Thursday, November 14, 2019

Legends Of The Fall Review

note; my spelling is legendary a jow it falls off the rails
legends of the fall
this is my review of legends of the fall from 1994 (when sonic 3 and shining force 2 came out on sega)
its got brad "the butt mo" pitt and anthony hopkins (whos actually a good actor) as well as aiden quinn from benny and joon and the kid from ET
i never really saw this all the way through and only saw a few mons of several parts
its duirected by the guy who did the last samurai and blood diamond
it starts with narration of how some people become legends amd about this guy who's mom pooped him out in winter
the narrator, this indian guy, trained the guy and was homies with guys dad
dad had enough of the yankee gov was f ing the indians so he went to the mouuntains to train in kung fu or raise a fam or w/e
so the kid bro was looked after by the bigger ones and their mom was often out and ditched em
this f'd 1 kid up
f'd bro goes out to fight and die against a bear in da woodz (warios woods??)
bear clws his arm but he takes off a bear fingr and his fam saves him
so in now timne indian guy gives someone letters from the fam of their life
so 1 bro comes back from college and haas a gf whos his future wife
they're teens now and its almost ww1
btw, great music by james horner
its majestic and epic
so brad pitt is still living on the farem and was the one who fought the bear a55
and the yongest is the college boy
wtd peopole dont care for this
are they on meth?!
youngesat was the kid from ET
aiden is the biggest bro
later this little indian girl sez she's gonna marry brad pitt
well, he is rather progressive in his views
so ET wants to fight zee kaizer cuz hes a commie college boy candya55 who thinks the serbs need protecting
spoiler; they started da war by wacking franz ferdinand
what next? sidingh with england in 1776?
so dad played by hopkins is glad his sons are back
so brad is good with horses and does not look like a teen
brad pitt, being the bad son, suggests to his good kid brother that he b0nes his future wife
is this like east of eden where the main guy is the bad guy?
also their mom ditched em so thats similar]
later some lawmen come by asking if dad saw this wanted man
dad sez hes going to san fran sodom
later ET wants to fight Zee Kaiser but dad knowas how war is bad and wants to keep em outta it
but ET is a dink and him and aiden go to Soviet Canada to enlist
so brad tries to get future wife to change ETs moind with a book dad wrote to get the yankees to stop attacking indians
alsop he almost makes out with her and aiden sees
so the boys say bye and go off to nam
btw, i just wanna say, i like films in the 1800s-early 1900s, based on books and from the early 90s
i'm loving this
far more than weird p0rb0 a55 bram stokers dracula
oh i think brad goes off to war too to protect ET
so later dad has dinner with the little indian girl, her fam and his homies and shows he respects the indians
meanwhile in korea, brad and ET fight the onfederates and many guys get blown apart
ET is bummed that war is not as cool as he thought cuz hes a freekin dumba55!!
ET gets nicked by a shiot and brab opitt jumps on him and tries to keep him from getting in danger
in the real version he was b0ning him
purvo a55 brad pitt
so ET regrets going to the USSR to fight the Japanese as he misses his gf and wants to marry her.
Had he listened to Dads he would be happy
also aifen gets f'd and is getting sent home
but ET went off on a recon mission whuile brad was visiting aiden and brad runs to save him on a horse like birth of a nation
brads horse blows out and bhe iced germans on horseback
is this where he got benjamin button from?
then ET gets the gas and gets caught in barb wise cuz hes a dumba555
the Kaiser's heroic soldiers shred him with machinegunfire as they totally use a machine gun for 1 guy in wire after gas
brad wastwes em and drags ET's corpse away
use ur finger to glow him to life
then brad chops him open and takes out his heart cuz i guess hes a cannibal too
oh and he smears his bros blood on his face
good f--k this is mental
then he sneaks across no mans land and murders germans who had nothing to do wiith his bro getting iced and chops off parts of em as trophys
man this is like east of eden
so aiden brings back ET's heart and they plat it to grow a candya55 tree
So ET's gf stays at their place and indiN GUY sez she f'd em up but not on purpose
so aiden falls in love with ET;s wooman and she dont wanna cuz it might cause him pain
so later brad returns and cries from not being able to save ET
also gf comforts him
later brad b00nes ET's gf
aiden finds out and wants brad to marry her cuz its the right tging to do
bard isnt too keen on it and aiden suggests brad let ET bite it for his wooman
Like with King David?
Brad sez if Aiden sez it again, they aint bros
I think DNA is stronger than your malcontent feelings
If aiden quinn got brad pit pegnant, their kid woould be inbred irregardless of if they wanna be related
soo Aiden goes to da city and gets work
later brad tries helping a baby cow caught in barb wire starring dat 5kabk from baywatch and caps it outta frustration
also i think brad pitt got gf pregnant
and i think aiiden is in with bootleggers in prohibition
so then brad and his homies go after a bear and brad is too candya55 to waste it
indian guy sez when mann/animal spill each others blood, they become one
is he gonna fuse with it into a furry?
later brad and dad and their crew are at a bar that dont serve induans
brad nearly attacks him but dad stops him as the guy had a stick to bust brads empty head
so brad sneak attacks him to force him to go against company policy
in the real version he b0ned him for that
later brad goes off and i think her pregnancy was a "what If" and not canon
so brad travels da world and dont email em even though they keep sending him mail
eventually he winds up in soviet Africa and hunts crazy monsters the the ell e fent or z brah
also ge's b0ning people i think and tells her to marry someone
so later aiden is gonna run for gov but dad dont trust em after that the yankees did to the indians
aiden runs anyway
so dad gets mad at aiden for liking et's woman and aiden tells him about how brad f'd things with et, gf, and him and dad and how dad's woman ditched him too
and how aiden loved gf too and f'd everything
dad has enough of his son's cr-p and kills him
welll, he sez he would ice him but tells him to gtfo
so that night dad f''d out and gets crippled and brad stops ssending letters
years later brad returns woth a buncha horses
sio brad reunites with dad who got strokred crippled just like east of eden
he brings a necklace of boar tusks which is a big deal as boars are super deadly
but aiden married the chick gf years ago and live in da city
brad visits em looking like his interview with a vampire character who got b0ned by tom cruise as they got da same hair
he refuses to see aiden cuz hes a c-ck sucker and books it just seeing the chick he b0nned
also the little gik=rl is now a teen and is gay for brad pitt
aaiden finds out the brad is back and has married indian teen
wtf the indian teen is named after brad pits mom
he married his mom?!
well, he is big on progressive things
later he's had kids with her and the bootleggers want brad to stop his private bootlegging
they only didnt waste him cuz his bro is a conressman
so its like unions
pushing the little guy out unnless they join you
lTER  brad and aiden reunite and meet brads fam,
btad named his son after his bro who bit it in viet nam
later brad is stopped on da road by the cops over his booze and they shoot the area around him
1 bullet hits his woman and i think she goes to h e double ireland
he goes berserk and beats brain damaged a guard but gets subdued, his cash toom, and hit in the head with a thing to brain his damage
after berrying the indian teen da aiden is at da farm and dad dont wanna see him cuz he blames da gov
spoilr; alcohol has killed far more than the bootlleggers
brad has to do 30 days in jail for crippling a cop and the officer who capped indian girl gets a reprimand
makes sense as he didnt mean to ice her and brad tried to murder the cop
hay brad! dot drop da soap!
nah, he'd love that!!
so gf sees brad in jail and they hug through the bars
good symbolism of their love and the things betwen them in sociery and their choices
also she has dreamds where shes his baby momma
today, on maury!!
aiden figures something up when her dr sez she missed her thing and when he called home, she was out
wasnt there a scene where brad pitt deals withhis indian wife being not welcome in a restaurant?
or was that a river runs through it?
so after 30 days of being b0ned by guards, he gets outta jail and prepares for war
just like the godfather, they wack all the guys they think werre responsible for indian teen getting it (even though it was an accident and this is straight up murder)
cuz brad was j-rkin off taking too much timefae cutting 1 guy, he nearly ices brad.
but brad sticks him on a pitchfork
also Et's gf blows her brains out like a self j fk ing
they berry her on da farm and aiden is bummed how he followed the rules and brad didny and they loved brad more
all this cz tat candy a55 thought it would be good to fight the Kaiser
his idiocy ruined the wwhole fam
brad looks at a photo of his fam when it was good and talks with dad
so then thr bootleggers union guys come by to ice brad
brad wants to be taken to da wood to be iced so his boy wont see nd dad pulls a shotgun and blows out 2 guys b4 they getta shot off
aiden takes out da last one and now has highlandered his way to the top of the bootlegging biz
oh and saved his bro and re earned his dads love
so the union is gonna want brads a55 for wacking their guys so he gibes em to aiden
the iondian guy wanted to take their scalps as hes some kinda necro fetist so he dances around with a knofe
so years later brad outlived everyone like pan in dbgt and bit it in 63 fro a deathmatch wioth a fata55 bear
indian guy sez brad lived in the border between this land and the next
the end
that was most grand
epic, cool, great music, good acting, and quite meaningful
well made and filmed and easy to follow
i liked this and its a good 90s classic
it ends in the 60s, when civilization went down the cr-pper from drugs and beatles
for legends of the fall 2 i want it to focus on the rise of aiden quinns character as a high rank cenator and becoming th leader of the bootleggers. also for legends of the fall 3, i want it to be about brad pitts charcater being fused with the bear and going to another dimention to help the sasquatch launch an attack to get this black magic item the humns have found. both are 16 bit games on tg16 sega genesis snes atari jaguar and gba where you play as the guy and fight your rivals in the 2nd one and fight through human levels in a beat em up for the 3rd one.

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