Wednesday, May 11, 2022

King Of The Khyber Rifles Review

Notew: I spell like Kaiba but if he didn't know English

King Of The Khyber Rifles

thids is my rebvirew on king of ther khyber rifgles from rthe distant future year of 1953(30 years before ther Japanese NES or Famicom came out)

Its based on a 1916 book by Talbot Mundy that i never read

its driected by henry king (oNOt the evil king henry of soviet england who was the castlevania oj simpson) who did Tol'able David, thew 39 Jesse James, the 51 vDavid and Bathsheba and The Snows of Kilimanjaro

it stasrs Tyrone Power from Marie Antoinette, Jesse James and The Sun Also Rises, Terry Moore from Gaslight, Mighty Joe Young, The Great Rupert, The 50s Daddy Long Legs, Cast a Long Shadow, the 60s Batman and Going Overboard wioth f--king adam sandler, Michael Rennie from The Day The Earth Stopod Still, The Robe and The 60s Batman, John Justin from The Thief of Bag  dad and Valentino, Guy Rolfe from Mr. Sardonicus,  Richard Wyler from Breakfast at Tiffany's, Murray Matheson from Plymouth Adventure, Frank de Kova from The Robe, The Ten Commandments, Teenage Cave Man, The Rise and Fall of Legs Diamond, Atlantis, the Lost Continent, The Greatest Story Ever Told and Coonskin, Argentina Brunetti from It's a Wonderful Life, 7 Faces of Dr. Lao and he Shakiest Gun in the West, Gavin Muir fromMary of Scotland, and sioome 1800s guys i never heard of

i never saw this but my dad has the classics illustrated comic book, which is wehy I'm reviewing it

So after title and cedits tio guys on horses roaming the wasteland, which is in color but widescreen, its 1857 asnd the evil engliush have ruled trhe evil indiia for a century

some english soldiers come by and somwe indians on a hill get readty to ice em but 1 indian comes dowbn and warns em qndthey take cover as the upper hill blows and a rock slide nails where they were

the indians attack with boomsticks abnbd the engklish retiurn fire

then reinforcements arriuve and the indians flee

the english use rope to send guys down to help the cart or waGON OR W/E THAT got nailed in the rocks

main guy talks with a reinforcemenbt ABOUT HOW some induians who serve the regent are loyal AND they get info from the warning guy that its khan who attacked em

he works from a base at the top of the khyber pass, which i think is where star wars ripped off khyber crustals as its not just samurai and westerns it ripped off

later in some villsasge is this chick who rides a horses a55 who i assume is gonna be the love interest as EVERY movie HAS to have romanbce forced up its a55

its a comnedy? needs romance!

Its action? Needs romasnce!

Its horror? Needs romance!

just to satifty theosde who NEED romance

well a lot of guys like fat chicks, so every movie NEED a fat chick in it!

Not just a little chubby, but full on 500lbs!

Works for The Learning Channel

so main guy gwets to the villasge andtells his superior of khan and how warner sez khan will arttack on "the night of the long knives" whicxh i think the nazies ripped off when adolph took out ernst roehm and his booty boys o he could be leader

the superior sez its a "HOLY" TRHng which makes me think its one of those pagan daemon worsghip things, like the nazies were into

superior asks why waRNER told emn and warner sez his brother went against khan and khan pulled out his tongue and skinned him

If this were made today we'd see him being skinned



and f u caps lock! stop raeping my text

after maiin guy leraves, the suiperior gets word theres a new rifle being shipped next month

back when england wasn't phobic of guns, althgough now they fear knives as after thery baned guns, the gaijin used em

and after knives are banned; they'll ban hammers as the crooks will use those

as said by chiron; attack the archer, not the arrow!

so later main guy andd his droogs are getting ready and  they ARE GOOING TO SEE A GUY WHO HELPED RAISE MAIN GUY AFTER HIS RENTS GOT ICED

f off xaps lock! sucvk my 7 inch uncut double slavic d0ng!

also main guy was born there and has a lkocxket of his rents and his mom was a gaijin

so main guy goos oot and goos too a place with a beklly dancer behind a see through curtain

the owwner of it sez nmot to believe the rumors of this place as his enemies spread em

main guy asks of a silk merchant who was there b4 and hears where he in now and he became a devout follower of his god

latert un this area, a guy sez as its 100 years of england b0ning india, its gonna end, and judgement will come for the english

main guy comes by and tells chick to gtfo as sh-t gon get f'd

she returnsd home to da village and wait i think its main guy and 1 guy there is drinking booze

alcohol kills more people rthan aids

also the guy drinking sdez his moms an irish and his dads a gaijin

chivk tells a guy that the dark prophet told of judgement comming and main guy saved her

this guy with her sez that main guy is half gaijin and she says shje noticed something of him

so is he circimsized? did thery bite off his msn thing end? or is he normal and unamputated?

the superriopr comes o them and asks the guy named heath why he moved outta his barracks and tells him that all soldiers are subserrvciantr to the regent irregardless of race

heath is racist i think and dont like hybrids

as for me; i'm half polish half slovenian, but fit in well with neither

at dinner they talk about the khyber rif;les thing who fight in the hills and had fams iced and homes burned, like the brits in rob roy and bravbe heart

also main guy is put in command of ther khyber guys but thery are a p o s  grpup with no dicipline and they dont salute and go AWOL often

oh and chicks dad is superior

so main guy sez his life story of being born here and rtaisaed by a gaijin after his rents was iced and his guardian had a son

but the son is now khan as its kinda like hokuto no ken with raoh and jagi fighting kenshiro

main guy is offered a chance to change jobs but he dont wanna

the next day we get force guys training and trherews an a55 load of horses and its the khyber rifles squad

chick is watchingh and i think its another chick and wait its not ands shes gay for him but hesd  not interested

she invites him to a thing on the night of the regents b day and at night theres a big a55 gonew with the winf/pride and prejufdicr dance

her dad sez that main guy cant come as hes half gaijin but he must fight for the regent

she gets p-ssed but dad sez he dont make da rules and has to follow em and she accepts it

she sez her feet hurt and sneaks out to meet main guy and sez shes ashamed of her own kind after they went racial, even though the indians are worsde wirth their class system that has familierrs ice those who lopve outside their class

also; White chick turns on hwer own kind after hearingh of 1 thing theyb did wrong to othert group? just like university!

if this were today she'd probably turn on ger gender and shave half her head and dye the rest blue

so main guy sez he dont mimnd and encourages her to go back but shes gay for him

good blue sky and sihoollete like in gone with the wibd

they dance as its either dawn or sun dowmn and its got ncer music

so then she goes back but is nice to him and the next day or w/e and siperior gets word from calcutta and SOMETHINGS GONNA NE HERE IN A WEEK but i couldnmt hear what he saids

then we see this guy riding out and the chick comes after him as women aint allowed off base w/o an escort and she's using him as 1

as i assume they'd b0ne her deaD if the natives caught her

as even today, someone is f'd WOC with out consent in india every 24 mins

didn't sodom and gomorrah get nuked for that?

oh its main guy i think and he goes to his past home and belonged to his moms homie

his rents fams disowned them for breeding outside their race and faith and class and when they were iced in the rebellion, this place was the only place that would have him

main guy and chick drink from chalices and a gaijin sings some gaijin song

eventually they go outy and see a big a55 storm like in Dune called the hammer of god (Which god?)

there's no timwe to get back to base so they hide in a ruined temple that i assume had daemon rituals

good effects on the storm btw

main guy sez theres a story that its this guys tomb and he was taken up by the hammer of god centuries ago and is still up there

sounds like aliens/daemons

as a boy his guardian showqed him it and cuz holy cows blood was spilled here, the ground wont grow except cursed fruit that f;s ur soul

they almoist kiss and the horse makes a sound and siome guys come there on horse a55

they fure on him buthe's in a rock basae and has better cover and takes 1 out

then the storm happens and he takes her hand and they run out in it

later at base thetroops do a search mission and 1 cannon shot is the signal to return

then we see main guy in the desert and its a vast expanse

chick is hiding from the sun as she's White and dont wanna cook or burn

some guys come by and he fires his gun and they come and save the girl and the sound f'd out on the youtyube vid i'm watcxhing this on

after they get back to basae the sound comes back and chick was given a mild sedative and rest

main guy sez the bad guys tried to take chick for a hostage and superior wants to sebd his daughter back to soviet england where jack the ripper is lurking

after main guy goos too beed the chivck wakes up in her bed and is hungry as she wasnt harmed and just walked around in thew heat for a bit

superior wants to send to to england but she don't wanna as she wants to marry main guy

also the head of the miluitary daughter in love with a soldier is like in Robotech how Rick and Lisa were in love

so dad dont want her to as she was just nearly captured and he wants her to be safe but she knows he means he dont want her dating a halfbreed and don't want her to face the shame from society from it

meanwhile, the rebels are dooing thi gs in the desert andf i think star wars ripped this off

the alarm is rung as a guy on horse comews in and its a dead gaijin with a note saying a search party was captured and if they don't give them the new Guns: they will send more bodies of their men to em

superior is arranging a team to get the guns and give empty gun boxes to em

main guy talks to superior that if they take out the khan, then the united tribes would crumble without their leader

Kinda like how in the 60s the commie Inejiro Asanuma was shanked by Shin Nipponjin Otoya Yamaguchi before he could become the next mao zedong and Japan evaded going down chinas black path of communism

So he wants to go iin on a possible suicide mission to take himn out but is ordered to not as therty need every man

at night he writes a letter and chick comes by his room and sez her dads sending her to h e double england and main guy sez its good as the guys attacking wanted her

she sez she loves him and he sez it can't work but she sez his renmts got it to work and they can try too

the sound f;'d out and she smooches him and he sez stuff i cant hear

later she gets up and its day and a guy seez

in the real version they were b0ning

so then superior talks with main guy about iicing khan at ther cost of 1 of his men

oh and its not main guy doing it talk to him

a guy sez main guy was last seen heading out and then we see gaijin usiung mirrors to shine light as signals over distance from rocks

main guy goes asks to see khan and sez he;''s his friend anmd this is enuff to get him to khan

he meets him and khan sez he never thought to see him again except in battle

main guy sez he can't take thge brittish racism and hes joining them

just like all those canadians ansd brits who left to fight for thiier kind in the 00s and 10s

khan is glad and hopes he's the 11st of many to join them and gets him clothes and cr-p, but has his number 2 watch him in case

thern we see a dancer in a belly shjowing top and mexican skirt dancing as to AmericaNS: ALL GAIJIN PRotoculture is the same

khan sez they weren't always friends and goes over their past cr-p and sez how his dad suicided after he offered dad a part in his domination of india

he wants to rule india but as ghandi showed; once you get rid of a common enemy; the tribes turn on each other and its civil wwar

a goon sez something and khan sez the camels carrying the guns were holding empty boxes

eventually khan spazzes out and starts throwing sh-t and tells everyone to gtfo

then gets a blade and asks the real reason main guy came

main guy sez he came to ice him and would have but at the base something happened that made him quit englND

khan sez its a girl and they let the indians die for the brits not not live with them

then brings in a soldier and sez this guy can marry her and live with brits as hes the ruight race and as soldier begs, auiin guy throws milk or spurm  or some White goo in his face and the goons take him off

khan believes main guy accepts him oh and sez after he gets inbdia, main guy canb have da chick

at night maiun guy crawls on da floor with a blade annd nearly cuts khan but khan was fake sleeping aND SPINS OUT WITH A GUN

KHAN SEZ MAIN GUY HESITATED cuz of his past AND HE is now caught and khan has him tied up with brits on posts

then main guy uses the last part of his plan; he charges his ki to overload himself and consumes the whhole area in a blinding light that disintegrates himself and everyone around

jk thats dbz

so a horse rider rides up and does stuff off camera and based on the expressions of the  guys, oh F he shanked a guy with a spear!

i thought it woulsd just queer out and do it off screen like silence of the lAMBS

yet khan spares main guy as a return to him not shaking him b4

kinda like with the 4 star dragon and SS4 Goku in DBGT

so main guy is returned to his base where he tells them he f'd up and the caught men were iced and he had a cance but it f'd

he sez he was spared for sparing his life and theres a coubncil of tribesmen whowill have em 5000 strong

also khan sez the guns wont be used against him but superior sez the khyber riuf;e squad was using em

thenhas main guy locked in his quarters and as hes walking, a guy sez the women are being sent by forced march to somnewhere else and chick will write to him and sez nothingh changed

oh its heath wjhos moving him

a note comes in and it sez therewsx mutany and uprisings in india all over

if it spreads to there, they'll be f'd and he has main guy taken outta confinement after like 2 mins like Dana in Robotech Season 2

then we see gaijin talkibng gaijin talk to a soldier

superior sez if khan attacks with all his tribes they're f'd so they're bringing the fight to khan with an attack of mountain soldiers of the khyder team from the rear

some men are going out as decoy and the base is under matrial law and no obe can enter or exit

then a gaijin comes in and sez to main guy that the khyber team wonmt use the new guns as its greased with pig fat and their god sez they cant do it

superior sez tats bull sh-t, or rather pig sh-t, and mAin ghuy sez he's gonna talkm to em and that superioprs number 2 or w/e spread the rumor oits bacon grtease

main guy tells them theres no bacon grease and he showes em he can use the gun as hes an india too

then sez; if you dont wanna follow me, step forward or take up ur rifles

the men take their guns and goes ogg with the mebn on the mission

they go up da rocks and go on foot while leaving their horses to be eaten by sand worms

but the troops don't think hes right about the guns and won't use em

they will however use knifes like in modern day england and go higher in

at the enbemy base they eventually jump in and ice guys ninja style but get capped as they didn't wanna go j fk

theres a smokey battylefield like in birth of a nation and in the tent; main guy fights his pseaudo bro  in an almost star trek way

they try to getta gun and wait, its a knife and outside guys catch fire and 1 thing blows for some reason

main guy is gonna be iced buy non bro but a guy throws a blade in bro khjans back

later at da base some horses come up and its main guy and the kaiba klan

then we see bag pipers playing scotcxh music and brits doing horse sh-t

main guy waves to chick and gives an order tohis khyber klan to ride around

the end

That was pretty good

good action, story, writing, acting, and i like the 1800s

its kinda western andholds up pretty well and shows how the brits are often the bad guys when trying to be good

is this based on a true story?

irregardlessnessly i liked it and its got a good feel

For King Of The Khyber Rifles 2 I want her to have won her dad over and allow her to marry him but then the uprisinhgs have grown worse and england has to take out all the rebellious people, So they go around not just execuyting them, but chopping em up and putting thewir parts to say wearnings in their language like with William Wallace. Also its an 8 bit Srpg on Nes, Game Boy, Sega Master System, Game Gear, TG16 Atari Lynx and 7800 where you send your troops in and fight like its Shining Force but between levels, you get mini games where you arrange pieces of those you iced into words saying thiongs like "obey" or "Serve the regent"

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