Thursday, September 20, 2018

Crossroads Review

note; oi spell like Brittny spears acts; like a55!!
this is my reviee on crossroard from 2002
its got Brittny spears and dan aykroyd from ghost busters
everyone sez this movie s-cked
lets If see if I think that
remember; I liked get rich or die trying, and the garbage pail kids movie
this is by Mtv?!
the jacka55 guys!?
beavis and butthead?!
looks like we're in for high brow cr-p
so it starts with these kids burying a box and making wishes
young Brittany is played by her kid sister Jamie lynn who was on nickelodeans all that
I liked that show
and Zoey 101
I never saw it but joking about it being nami sos
then she got pregnant at 16
to be fair, she put her career on hold to be there for her kid
so I have respect for her for that
the girls vow to open it for their highschool graduation
then its 8 years later and Brittany spears is dancing in her undies to 80s music that sounds like it should be in Robotech
oh its "open your heart to me"
then ghostbusters comes in and sez shes gotta hurry for some cr-p
later its high school this black chick mocks Brittany spears for being a virgin
after graduating, ghost busters sez Brittany spears wants to be a dr.
like... night shift nurses???
later shes at home and emo over being valedictorian not being fun
and she wanted to do stuff she didn't get to
most of that stuff is being irresponsible
staying out late and being a slacker and going to teen parties
if she did she might wind up in a maternity ward on guerrero st
I never went to parties or stayed out late
I also don't smoke, drink, do drugs, b0ne, or make p0rn0
i'm like chichi from dragonball
and not just cuz I went around in a speedo as a kid
later its the graduation thing and the 3 girls wanna go out at midknight to get their thing
playing at the graduation party is a hot guy they say just got outta jail after killing a guy
if he killed a guy he wouldn't be out so soon
then Brittany spears is about to b0ne a guy on prom night
prom night V; i'm not dat innocent
b4 they b0ne the nerdy guy reads a list of reasons they should
but Brittany spears gives him advice to not
he don't wanna g to college a virgin
why is virgin somehow bad?
you wanna wind up like Charlie sheen, magic johnson, john holmes, rock Hudson and Freddie mercury??
after the white friend is pregnant and the possible baby daddy wants to now f its his
and she attacks him for it
what a b--ch
later the friends meet to get da box
they had toys in it and they say what their wishes were
Brittany spears wanted to find her mom
but didn't
white friend wanted to leave their confederate town and see the ocean of California
cuz medical waste and aids needles on the beach are fun
white friend decides to go to L A to get a recording contract
and her girl homies wanna come 2
later the fam knows white friend is preggers
and Brittany spears tries talking to ghost busters about mom
but he sez she left and is the bad guy
and night Brittany spares leaves and her homies are there with jail guy getting ready in daytime
they drive to music
oh and Brittany spears wants to be dropped off in Arizona
jail guy is going gay for Brittany spears and white friend sez shes outta his league
yeah but that nerd who nearly b0ned her was
they then drive more to music
and get to alabama at night
he stops as he don't want the female drivers and wants to sleep in the field
but girls get him to go to the waffle house and a cr-ppy motel
this is how horror movies start
plus hes an accused killer
the next day Brittany spears is taking a shower and her homie flush
also her white friend wipes her hands on the towel Brittany spears wears
what is this? the 00s fantastic 4?
Brittany spears hears he killed someone and white friend only got him as he has a car
so she shuns him
after another day of driving to a song about a guy who could just kill a man, they shop
shopping and shoes and miniskirts and boys!
this is a bimbo movie!
black friend is gonna marry a guy and white friend don't wanna marry her baby daddy
and isn't thinking about her future
just wants a contract
later Brittany spears calls ghost buster dad but he goes on a whiny tirade and she hangs up
the next day the car breaks down
freekin cr-pmobile
Brittany spears finds out the issue
and knows how much it will cost
she'd be good in the wastelands of fist of the north star
they don't have enough cash to tow and fix da car
I could think of a few ways they could make money (p0rn0 music plays)
white and black friends girlishly fight and Brittany spears stops em
and sez they don't belong together
at da garage Brittany spears wants to give up the road trip
but white friend talks her outta it and has an idea
also they in louisianna
at night they go to a karaoke contest to win cash
at least they aint b0ning men for it
white friend cr-ppily sings I love rock and roll
so Brittany spears with 80s hair sings it
also they're dressed like anime characters (5kanks)
they sing the whole song and it goes on for a while
its kinda cr-ppy
im starting to see why everyone hates this film
finally it ends and they win
they have enough cash to fix the car
and they didn't have to be h00kers
the Brittany spears dances like a 5kank and a guy gets the wrong idea and gets too lusty
so killer guy slugs him out
later they go to a less cr-ppy motel and killer guy leaves
right when they make cash, they blow it on a high end motel and booze
its like mc hammer all over again
wait, they're drinking pepsi
later they laugh about if Brittany spears touched a guys man thing
its revealed black friend went to fat camp cuz her mom didn't want her fat
but now is p-ssed her daughter is less ugly than her
like a kung fu master who's student surpasses him
also as she sez this shes eating
now she'd be on my 600lb life
hose her off in the backyard!!
also white friend don't drink cuz 1 time she got drunk and some guy b0ned her
and now shes preggo
looks like the guy she punched, is NOT the father!
black guys; ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
this is why I don't drink
gotta keep my senses so no one sodomizes me
later they drive to texas and killer jail guy falls asleep
so the girls swipe his keys and drive his car without consent to music
he wakes up and makes em stop the car and goes out and goes mental
then starts b0ning them while screaming like a monkey and foaming at the mouth
hes really mental from putting up with their girly cr-p for days
at night Brittany spears asks him if he killed a guy
he sez he drove his stepsister to help her from his stepdad beating her a55
as he took a minor across state lines, hes a criminal and stepdad pressed charges
we never hear stepdads side of the story
maybe step sister threw the 1st punch and he was defending himself from her mania
da next day they climb a rock thing and look at the sun going up or down
at night black friend teaches white friend how to fight and Brittany spears has a moment with jail guy
then white friend sez something bit her a55
next day they drop Brittany spears at her moms place
how'd she find it?
this is 2002
the net is new
and she's from the south with a bunch of inbred cannibals
she meets her mom played by one of the 5kanks from secks and the city
mom asks why she came but Brittany spears sez she wanted to see her
kids logic that makes sense to kids
but jaded adults don't get it
its in character for her to think like that
like that punk from the cure thinking eating plants can cure aids
also she has half brothers
at night Brittany spears returns and sez her mom didn't want her and making her was a mistake
that's f--king evil
you don't tell that to your child
what a horrible wh0re
it might make her kid snap
Brittany spears otta skin her alive and wear it and go around as her so people think shes going around naked
I gotta admit, the film had chutzpa to make the mom so cruel
at least she didn't kill her daughter
later the next day jail guy and Brittany spears play music and sing
then smooch
later she calls ghost buster dad and sez she loves him
the they drive to more music
they go to soviet los angelas and are at the beach
later blaxk friend goes to see her bf in jail guys car with white friend
jail friend consents to this as he is b0ning Brittany spears
black friend finds her future husband has a bimbo at his place
also black friend realizes her future husband is the one who b0ned white friend pregnant
all because he has a blue beer bottle
because only 1 man in the world drinks bloo bottle beer
white friend runs when blaxk friend makes him confront her and falls down stairs
at the hospital she tells Brittany spears the baby bit it
that's really sad
he was innocent
and shes sad as she'd have made a good mom
this is a really tragic thing for a bubbly Brittany spears movie
so ghostbuster tirades Brittany spears over making him spend money to get there
and wants her to go back with him
after a while ghost buster and her drive off in a taxi
she asks him to let her go and she goes back to jail guy and smooches him in front of her dad
then does this singing thing audition to not a girl, not yet a woman
this goes on for a while
after that they bury their cr-p in a box and say they are saying goodbye to their past like in shadow the hedgehog on gamecube
the end
that wasn't so awful
its a decent teen movie
a bit dark and sad but not unwatchable
although the music numbers go on too long
but its a bright colored sunny movie for teens in the early 00s
like the degrassi next gen dinks would like
I didn't hate it
its not super great like the transformers 80s movie or birth of a nation
but its not horrid or despisable
for crossroads 2 I want it to be the 2010s and the girls meet up again. the black friend was force fed by her mom back to obesity and beyond out of jealousy and now she can hardly walk. the white friend is addicted to pregnancy out of mental issues and keeps b0ning guys to gets pregnant and selling the kids as slaves, and Brittany spears has become a bodybuilder assassin out of feelings of being worthless from her birth mom's words and wants to make something of herself. the half brothers come to Brittany spears and say their mom ditched em too and they just found out she's been having familys and dumping em for years and they want revenge. so they hire Brittany spears to take her out. its also an 8 but nes, sega master system, Gameboy and game gear game where you play as Brittany spears and hunt down the mom to get even. also her friends can help her out by finding them in the level. pregnant friend gives you enough points to get another life from the cash she made selling her kids, and obese friend lets you eat her body until you are at full life. also the mom has black magic powers and feeds off bad emotions she causes so she makes kids who hate her.

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