Sunday, September 9, 2018

Gladiator Review

note; in Yugioh the gladiator beasts are aids mo's. so imma spell like a55 here
this is my review on graliates (from 2000 or w/e)
its got russel crowe and joaquin phoenix (pronounced; joh uh qwinn)
it starts with text saying soviet rome took over as much of the earth up to England
and 1/4th of earth was ruled by caesars
spoiler; ghenghis khan took over wayyyyyy more
also its the distant future year of 180 and they are having some battle
r c (russil cro) is a high rank guy lading the romans
I thought rome was  the bad guy
the people rome is after sent a headless horseman back then chucked his head at them
I think Ichabod crane is gonna sue this movie over that (from h-ll)
r c is named maximus
fortress maximus from transformers?!
his toy was like 2 feet tall
that's like midget sized!!
so r c gives a speech to his men and they eventually start the battle after much prep
man they chuck flaming oil at them and skewer em on arrows
if America did this they'd call it a war crime
then the romeans come in and butcher the natives
r c is knocked off his horse but kills more natives
its not that violent
swords hitting people in off camera areas
no organs
no bones
no limb removal
no male organ removal
ninja scroll was more violent than this
btw this movie is super widescreen
like half the screen is black bars
flags are cup off half way up
heads are partly offscreen
it looks like a55
so the Kaiser or w/e sez r c is his best general
but r c wants to go home to his fam
the joaquin comes in after the battle and is kind of a prissy entitled millennial who only got where he is cuz of his dad
like that candy a55 Canadian justin trudeau
joaquin talks with r c about rome being a republic and wanting to call him to fight for him
Kaiser of rome sez to his daughter if she was born a man she'd make a good cesaer
sounds like hes gonna give her gender issues
later we see joaquin shirtless sword training
later Kaiser talks to r c about his life and what he did as cesawr
mostly war
r c sez his men were f'd for ceaswr and Kaiser/xesar sez he wont last long and wants a good legacy
also rome is going under
sounds like America from 2008-2017
r c tells Kaiser about his home
Kaiser wants to have r c drain da swamp that is soviet rome
but r c don't wanna as he don't know how
Kaiser sez its cuz he's not one of them that hes not corrupt
and joaquin s-cked and is corrupt
r c chats with the daughter and she has a son whos 8 like r c's son
also her husband bit it
holy cr-p we're like half an hour in
but nothing happened!
there was a fight and some talking
good pacing
later jo a qwin chats with Kaiser (his daddy) who sez r c is his successor and rome gon go republic
jo a quin sez years ago Kaiser sent him a list of the 4 best virtues
he had none
and b--ches about how his virtues wernt on da list
then gets prissy and cries like a whiny b--ch and wants a hug
Kaiser sez joaqwin s-cked cuz he f'd up raising him
they hug and joaquin sez he'd have butchered da world if kaiser would've loved him
then kills Kaiser by pressing his face to joaqwins chest
its not like he's got big b00bs or anything
like in x men evolution how the blob suffocated wolverine with his m00bz
or in dog the bounty hunter how beth was yelling at someone and should have said; i'll suffocate you with my M cups!!
btw this totally isn't like L bj and j fk (and later r fk)
joaquin brings r c over and sez Kaiser bit it in his sleep
daughter slaps his face like a girl and kisses his fingers
r c knows joawqin waked the Kaiser
and joaqwin knows this and has r c taken out to be executed
but r c headbutts the executioner, grabs the blade used to ice him, and takes out his assassins
but is nicked in da arm
so he rides all the way back to rome on 2 horses
then as he nears his home, soldiers get there 1st and run over his kid
he gets home to find his home torched and his woman offscreen from the feet up and charred
he's then caught by African slave traders
what is this? joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat!?
btw, jo a qwuim icing the past leader and becoming the new one was done by starscream in transformers the movie
1 slave trader wants his money back for being sold "queer giraffes"
he buys r c and knows hes a roman soldier from a tattoo on his arm
they brand their soldiers?!
r c is trained as a gladiator and later carves his tattoo off
then theres a gladiator match and r c takes down some guys.
when the guy hes shackled to bits it, he lops off the guys hand and fights on
but we don't see the hand come off
only a sword nearing it and it cuts away b4 impact
in violence jack it showed jacks hand being sliced off
holy f we're like 70 mins in
this has good pacing
later jo a qwin comes home to rome a hero and new Kaiser
but he wants to make things for the people and not the entitled senators
also he hold a sword to the back of his neck ,like a baseball bat
and don't wanna put up with chatty senators who get nothing done
but his sister (da daughter) tries to get him on track
he wants to make rome amazing
but they make it look bad
he holds 150 days of games
that almost 1 for every pokemon
meanwhile, r c is rising in fame with his skill at the killing people
also hes a Spaniard like eric lecarde/ricardo from Castlevania bloodlines
we see him take out a heavy armored guy and de head a less armored guy
then throw his blades at the owners saying "r u not en ter tained??!!"
later his owner tells him that jo a qwin is having gladiator games to honor the last Kaiser
but that Kaiser shut them down
also owner was a save and Kaiser set him free and gave him a wood sword as a symbol of it
now r c wants to stand b4 the new cesaer
btw if the ast Kaiser/cesar was so awesome, why did he wage war on England?
I mean b4 they had the regent
is that what turned the britz evil?
later joaqwin leans over his nephew and watches him sleep
looks like he wants to b0ne him
well.. back in greek/roman times...
then jowasin tries to seduce his sister
its natural
animals do that
when a dog is "purebred" or "highest pedigree" it just means its really inbred
most species practice inbreeding but only humans have inbred-phobia
later r c goes into the arena in armor and a metal head thing
an announcer who looks and sounds like Eugene Pallette from my man godfrey sez this is a recreation of a Hannibal battle
but r c leads his men to winning by standing together
this is kinda f;d
they recreate real fights by really killing people
didn't they have plays?!
suddenly the America slave owners don't seem so bad
holy cr-p
one guy got sliced in 2 across da waist by a chariot blade
bad a55
r c takes a horse and takes out a chariot
and joaqwin acts like hes mentally challenged to poke fun at them
they then chop up the other slaves and everyone cheers
joaqwin likes this alternate take on history where the battle goes the other way
he'd like wild wild west with will smith fighting a giant wood spider Gundam
also the Eugene Pallette guy is david hemmings from Camelot, the league of extraordinary gentlemen and gangs of new York
joaqwin comes down and r c nearly ices him
but nephew is there and he don't
he refuses to say who he is but then goes on a long speech saying his name, rank and backstory
joawqir has to choose if r c lives
but the people say live so he listens to em
the nephew looks like the kid from wonder, Jacob Tremblay
who is he?
holy cr-p its the son from unbreakable
man he had a good career
later sister/daughter goes to see r c and he sez his fam was cooked and crucified alive
his son survived getting crushed by a dozen horses?
she wants him to meet a guy who can stop joaqwin
they nearly smooch but he sends her away
later r c worries of joa qwin icing him and don't wanna eat his food
his homie eats some and fakes choaking, then laffs
his big black friend sez joa qwin has to ice r c's name b4 he can ice r c
then r c has to fight the unbeated heavyweight champion tigress who was retired for 5 years
hes played by Sven-Ole Thorsen who is homies with Arnold Schwarzenegger
in the fight are tigers on chains
r c still beats this huge bada55 and the tigers
joAQWIN sez to ice tigress but rc don't consent and spares him
and the crowd loves him
joaqwin comes down and tries to get r c to think they r the same cuz they ice people
but r c wants to ice joaqwein
but not now
so joawewin sez his son squealed like a little girl when crucified
and his woman make h00ker sounds when b0ned a lot by soldiers
but r c shows respect
later r c chats with his past minion and finds his past troops are bored
and sends minion to message daughter/sister
so r c meets with a senate guy and wants to bring his army in to save rome
then r c chats with his owner about letting r c go get his men
he tells his owner joawin iced the man who freed him
but that's after owner consents
joaqwin gets more unbalanced and gets dark around his eyes like L from dearth note or akira fudo from go nagai works
then he does some weird pseudo-b0ning of his sister
later joaqwin has the senator arrested and sister comes to see r c to tell him the plan happens soon
she sez joaqwin hates r c cuz both his dad and sister loved r c and not him
later nephew plays make believe of being r c and joaqwin is unsettled by it
what a candy a55
cant handle a kids playing pretend
at night he reads the nephew the story of Cleopatra and mark Anthony
and how mark was betrayed
and how the emperor had his ex homies fams chopped up or something
I wasn't listening much
so the joaqwin sends his men after r c and he gets away
later jaquio black males his sister into having his inbred kid or he'd ice nephew
so I guess I f'd up as I wasn't really watching as r c WAS caught and is tied in a not dark room
joaqwin chats with r c about how they both loved the Kaiser and he shanks r c
but has his men hide the hole in armor
then they go up to fight in the arena
they sword fight
jaquoo is wounded
then they fist fight
r c beats his candy a55
candy a55 pulls a knife but r c rwists his arm and neck shanks him
see you in h-ll candya55
he tells his men to free the prisoners and make the senator the new leader as a republic
then r c bites it while going to the greek roman afterlife to be with his fam
then everyone is free from prisons and here
and the nephew is near em even though he was in the stands a bit ago
sister/daughter says some stuff and his big black friend berrys a wood thing saying he;d see him again
the end
that I liked
its got good flow
good pacing
good acting and characters
good simple story that's easy to follow(when you pay attention it helps too)
nothing too complex
not everything has to be 30 plots at once going nuts
ridley scott does it again
and its mostly historically accurate
maximus never existed and is an amalgamation of several different people
kinda like mel Gibson in the patriot
and unlike titanic or bram stokers Dracula, it doesn't feel long
for gladiator 2 I want it to be years later and the sister/daughter has a new kid, the inbred kid of her and her brother!! but the republic is going under from not getting anything done and being corrupt like the ceaser said at the start of the 1st film. so the brothers team up and decide to take power as a team instead of letting the corrupt senate send rome to h-ll. but the senate wants them out of the way and sends hitmen after em. good thing they trained in gladiator cr-p and have magic armor from the gods. also its a 16 bit game on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar like chiki chiki boys wher 1 or 2 players fight the senate and their lusty hitmen. also the senate fuses together as the game boss into a large cube with extending limbs made of many peoples limbs combined.

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