Gladiator Review

note; in Yugioh the gladiator beasts are aids mo's. so imma spell like a55 here

gladiator

this is my review on graliates (from 2000 or w/e)

its got russel crowe and joaquin phoenix (pronounced; joh uh qwinn)

it starts with text saying soviet rome took over as much of the earth up to England

and 1/4th of earth was ruled by caesars

spoiler; ghenghis khan took over wayyyyyy more

also its the distant future year of 180 and they are having some battle

r c (russil cro) is a high rank guy lading the romans

I thought rome was  the bad guy

the people rome is after sent a headless horseman back then chucked his head at them

I think Ichabod crane is gonna sue this movie over that (from h-ll)

r c is named maximus

fortress maximus from transformers?!

his toy was like 2 feet tall

that's like midget sized!!

so r c gives a speech to his men and they eventually start the battle after much prep

man they chuck flaming oil at them and skewer em on arrows

if America did this they'd call it a war crime

then the romeans come in and butcher the natives

r c is knocked off his horse but kills more natives

its not that violent

swords hitting people in off camera areas

no organs

no bones

no limb removal

no male organ removal

ninja scroll was more violent than this

btw this movie is super widescreen

like half the screen is black bars

flags are cup off half way up

heads are partly offscreen

it looks like a55

so the Kaiser or w/e sez r c is his best general

but r c wants to go home to his fam

the joaquin comes in after the battle and is kind of a prissy entitled millennial who only got where he is cuz of his dad

like that candy a55 Canadian justin trudeau

joaquin talks with r c about rome being a republic and wanting to call him to fight for him

Kaiser of rome sez to his daughter if she was born a man she'd make a good cesaer

sounds like hes gonna give her gender issues

later we see joaquin shirtless sword training

later Kaiser talks to r c about his life and what he did as cesawr

mostly war

r c sez his men were f'd for ceaswr and Kaiser/xesar sez he wont last long and wants a good legacy

also rome is going under

sounds like America from 2008-2017

r c tells Kaiser about his home

Kaiser wants to have r c drain da swamp that is soviet rome

but r c don't wanna as he don't know how

Kaiser sez its cuz he's not one of them that hes not corrupt

and joaquin s-cked and is corrupt

r c chats with the daughter and she has a son whos 8 like r c's son

also her husband bit it

holy cr-p we're like half an hour in

but nothing happened!

there was a fight and some talking

good pacing

later jo a qwin chats with Kaiser (his daddy) who sez r c is his successor and rome gon go republic

jo a quin sez years ago Kaiser sent him a list of the 4 best virtues

he had none

and b--ches about how his virtues wernt on da list

then gets prissy and cries like a whiny b--ch and wants a hug

Kaiser sez joaqwin s-cked cuz he f'd up raising him

they hug and joaquin sez he'd have butchered da world if kaiser would've loved him

then kills Kaiser by pressing his face to joaqwins chest

its not like he's got big b00bs or anything

like in x men evolution how the blob suffocated wolverine with his m00bz

or in dog the bounty hunter how beth was yelling at someone and should have said; i'll suffocate you with my M cups!!

btw this totally isn't like L bj and j fk (and later r fk)

joaquin brings r c over and sez Kaiser bit it in his sleep

daughter slaps his face like a girl and kisses his fingers

r c knows joawqin waked the Kaiser

and joaqwin knows this and has r c taken out to be executed

but r c headbutts the executioner, grabs the blade used to ice him, and takes out his assassins

but is nicked in da arm

so he rides all the way back to rome on 2 horses

then as he nears his home, soldiers get there 1st and run over his kid

HIT AND RU

he gets home to find his home torched and his woman offscreen from the feet up and charred

he's then caught by African slave traders

what is this? joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat!?

btw, jo a qwuim icing the past leader and becoming the new one was done by starscream in transformers the movie

1 slave trader wants his money back for being sold "queer giraffes"

he buys r c and knows hes a roman soldier from a tattoo on his arm

they brand their soldiers?!

r c is trained as a gladiator and later carves his tattoo off

then theres a gladiator match and r c takes down some guys.

when the guy hes shackled to bits it, he lops off the guys hand and fights on

but we don't see the hand come off

only a sword nearing it and it cuts away b4 impact

in violence jack it showed jacks hand being sliced off

holy f we're like 70 mins in

this has good pacing

later jo a qwin comes home to rome a hero and new Kaiser

but he wants to make things for the people and not the entitled senators

also he hold a sword to the back of his neck ,like a baseball bat

and don't wanna put up with chatty senators who get nothing done

but his sister (da daughter) tries to get him on track

he wants to make rome amazing

but they make it look bad

he holds 150 days of games

that almost 1 for every pokemon

meanwhile, r c is rising in fame with his skill at the killing people

also hes a Spaniard like eric lecarde/ricardo from Castlevania bloodlines

we see him take out a heavy armored guy and de head a less armored guy

then throw his blades at the owners saying "r u not en ter tained??!!"

later his owner tells him that jo a qwin is having gladiator games to honor the last Kaiser

but that Kaiser shut them down

also owner was a save and Kaiser set him free and gave him a wood sword as a symbol of it

now r c wants to stand b4 the new cesaer

btw if the ast Kaiser/cesar was so awesome, why did he wage war on England?

I mean b4 they had the regent

is that what turned the britz evil?

later joaqwin leans over his nephew and watches him sleep

looks like he wants to b0ne him

well.. back in greek/roman times...

then jowasin tries to seduce his sister

well...

its natural

animals do that

when a dog is "purebred" or "highest pedigree" it just means its really inbred

most species practice inbreeding but only humans have inbred-phobia

later r c goes into the arena in armor and a metal head thing

an announcer who looks and sounds like Eugene Pallette from my man godfrey sez this is a recreation of a Hannibal battle

but r c leads his men to winning by standing together

this is kinda f;d

they recreate real fights by really killing people

didn't they have plays?!

suddenly the America slave owners don't seem so bad

holy cr-p

one guy got sliced in 2 across da waist by a chariot blade

bad a55

r c takes a horse and takes out a chariot

and joaqwin acts like hes mentally challenged to poke fun at them

they then chop up the other slaves and everyone cheers

joaqwin likes this alternate take on history where the battle goes the other way

he'd like wild wild west with will smith fighting a giant wood spider Gundam

also the Eugene Pallette guy is david hemmings from Camelot, the league of extraordinary gentlemen and gangs of new York

joaqwin comes down and r c nearly ices him

but nephew is there and he don't

he refuses to say who he is but then goes on a long speech saying his name, rank and backstory

joawqir has to choose if r c lives

but the people say live so he listens to em

the nephew looks like the kid from wonder, Jacob Tremblay

who is he?

holy cr-p its the son from unbreakable

man he had a good career

later sister/daughter goes to see r c and he sez his fam was cooked and crucified alive

his son survived getting crushed by a dozen horses?

she wants him to meet a guy who can stop joaqwin

they nearly smooch but he sends her away

later r c worries of joa qwin icing him and don't wanna eat his food

his homie eats some and fakes choaking, then laffs

his big black friend sez joa qwin has to ice r c's name b4 he can ice r c

then r c has to fight the unbeated heavyweight champion tigress who was retired for 5 years

hes played by Sven-Ole Thorsen who is homies with Arnold Schwarzenegger

in the fight are tigers on chains

r c still beats this huge bada55 and the tigers

joAQWIN sez to ice tigress but rc don't consent and spares him

and the crowd loves him

joaqwin comes down and tries to get r c to think they r the same cuz they ice people

but r c wants to ice joaqwein

but not now

so joawewin sez his son squealed like a little girl when crucified

and his woman make h00ker sounds when b0ned a lot by soldiers

but r c shows respect

later r c chats with his past minion and finds his past troops are bored

and sends minion to message daughter/sister

so r c meets with a senate guy and wants to bring his army in to save rome

then r c chats with his owner about letting r c go get his men

he tells his owner joawin iced the man who freed him

but that's after owner consents

joaqwin gets more unbalanced and gets dark around his eyes like L from dearth note or akira fudo from go nagai works

then he does some weird pseudo-b0ning of his sister

later joaqwin has the senator arrested and sister comes to see r c to tell him the plan happens soon

she sez joaqwin hates r c cuz both his dad and sister loved r c and not him

later nephew plays make believe of being r c and joaqwin is unsettled by it

what a candy a55

cant handle a kids playing pretend

at night he reads the nephew the story of Cleopatra and mark Anthony

and how mark was betrayed

and how the emperor had his ex homies fams chopped up or something

I wasn't listening much

so the joaqwin sends his men after r c and he gets away

later jaquio black males his sister into having his inbred kid or he'd ice nephew

so I guess I f'd up as I wasn't really watching as r c WAS caught and is tied in a not dark room

joaqwin chats with r c about how they both loved the Kaiser and he shanks r c

but has his men hide the hole in armor

then they go up to fight in the arena

they sword fight

jaquoo is wounded

then they fist fight

r c beats his candy a55

candy a55 pulls a knife but r c rwists his arm and neck shanks him

see you in h-ll candya55

he tells his men to free the prisoners and make the senator the new leader as a republic

then r c bites it while going to the greek roman afterlife to be with his fam

then everyone is free from prisons and here

and the nephew is near em even though he was in the stands a bit ago

sister/daughter says some stuff and his big black friend berrys a wood thing saying he;d see him again

the end

that I liked

its got good flow

good pacing

good acting and characters

good simple story that's easy to follow(when you pay attention it helps too)

nothing too complex

not everything has to be 30 plots at once going nuts

ridley scott does it again

and its mostly historically accurate

kinda

maximus never existed and is an amalgamation of several different people

kinda like mel Gibson in the patriot

and unlike titanic or bram stokers Dracula, it doesn't feel long

for gladiator 2 I want it to be years later and the sister/daughter has a new kid, the inbred kid of her and her brother!! but the republic is going under from not getting anything done and being corrupt like the ceaser said at the start of the 1st film. so the brothers team up and decide to take power as a team instead of letting the corrupt senate send rome to h-ll. but the senate wants them out of the way and sends hitmen after em. good thing they trained in gladiator cr-p and have magic armor from the gods. also its a 16 bit game on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar like chiki chiki boys wher 1 or 2 players fight the senate and their lusty hitmen. also the senate fuses together as the game boss into a large cube with extending limbs made of many peoples limbs combined.