Teenage Caveman Review

note; corman makes good moviesw with low budget. I make bad reviews with no budget. esp my bad a55 spelling

teenage caveman

this is my review on ten age cave man from 1958

its directed by roger corman whos awesome

its also called "out of the darkness" in soviet England

a was filmed with the title "prehistoric world"

people say its the worst film ever made

I assume they never saw the phantom of 10 000 leagues

it stars Robert Vaughn who was in the man from u.n.c.l.e. the 10 commandments, the magnificent 7, bullitt, the towering inferno, demon seed, superman III, and 2 eps of law and order svu

its got jonathan haze from little shop of horrors

ed nelson from a bunch of roger corman cr-p

and Robert Shayne from the giant claw

man these guys were is a lot of cr-p

so it starts with a voice over of how the universe started

bible style

then title

and credits to cave paintings

spoiler; cavemen were a myth

creation science disproved them

so some cavemen caught some big a55 animal and are bringing it back to their village to eat

main guy went too far from the base and the law forbids it

yet theres dinosaurs and good food out there

and main guy thinks da law holds em back

is this where judge dredd got it from?

the boss sez its dangerous out there

boss went too far once and sez its not worth it

also is something out there that kills with a touch

is that where Kenshiro from fist of the north star got it?

1 guy has a small fire that he tends too as its a gift

1 guy looks after a wheel for da same reason

main guy questions it

also 1 guy builds and breaks stuff

a beardo trys to set him streaight

later they gon hunt

but 1st they talk about symbol makers

main guys dad is 1

its a tradition as their line has visions

also its forbidden by da lah to question things

oh boss is his dad

dad didn't see the thing that kills but the past symbol maker (SM) showed him

its invincible to spears, bigger than man, and has claws

the law was given to keep em safe

after they make symbols the men go hunting

im not sure what they did though

did they paint on da walls?

it didn't really show it

on the hunt they fight a bear and I think it takes someone out

was dat a real bear?

or a guy inna suit?

im not sure

I think SM got it

they treat him

later beardo trys to get main guy to go past the law zones

its revealed f u break the law, u get shunned

and if u break it and the clan gets f;d they ice ya

later as the bear meat is almost done, main guy wants to go out in the forbidden zone

btw I think sm dad said they were doing this for 5 generations or lifetimes or w/e

so main guy and some homies go out to hunt in the forbiddenzone

oh and this film is fullscreen

no black bars

as they hunt main guy sez he really came here to disprove the law

and the rest of his homies stay with him

he breaks off a stick and its a flute sounding blow thing

then 2 reptiles with effects added to look more dnosaury fight

a gator and an iguana

gater grabs iguana and spins

1 hunter falls in water and its quicksand

he bites it

see you in h-ll

on the way back main guy throws 1 rock at a squirrel and gives up on it

spoiler; squirrels have dangerous parasites

don't touch em

he tries again and gets it

he sets a fire and cooks the squirrel

btw his homies are gone

the this really cr-ppy monster comes out and he books it

but bumps into a tree and is k o ed

later sm dad recovers and wants his son

but hes been gone for 2 days

a homie from the hunt tells of the hunt and how they left main guy

also no one has names here

they just say "fair haired boy" for the blonde in quicksand

beardo sez eve if main guy bit it, they're f;d cuz of him

sm dad draws a sun on the ground saying hes going out on da suns 3rd rising

you mean counting the 2 days u were out?

or starting now as day 1?

main guy wakes up and f's with tree branches

he makes a bow

the takes out a deer

later sm dad goes out 2 find him

as main guy walks carrying a deer(pretty strong) some dogs come after him

he fights em wth a mtal knife and dad comes in

both ice da dogs

at base beard sez they gotta execute main guy for breakin da law

and gods will bust em 4 it

but sm dad sez they haven't yet so they safe

dad suggests shunning him til hes a man

the elders agree but breardo trys to ice him

but elder sez enuff and everyone leaves

this is a weird episode of breaking amish

later this blonde female caveman gets nude and takes a bath

but we don't se her nips

main guy comes by and plays his flute he made of sticks

she gets dressed and is instantly dry

main guy wants to go back out to the forbidden zone but she sez if he dos it again he gon get executed

she mentions something about him waiting until the rites of manhood

1st; hes like 30

2nd; is he gonna be circimsized?

then an animal comes by the village

main guy somehow knows its from beyond the burning place where da law sez nothing can live

turns out its really a man on a horse

beardo sez its impossible fan to ride beast and gets da people to ice it

its like evolutionists going mental over creation science evidence

beardo; kill da beast!

me; I think Disney is gonna rip this off in 40 years

main guy sez they could learn from the horse man

horseman sez; peace

and beardo shanks him with a spear

main guy sez horse man could've goven em truth about da law

some cavemen feel for horse man and give him a bural

but beardo sez hes evil

its like how the left sees anyone who disagrees with em as sub human and to be purged

sm dad has been moved and suggests going out and getting supplies from the forbidden zone

but beardo sez he don't deserve to be sm and wants the position

the law sez if a high ranker breaks da law, his challenger takes his place

yeah cuz skill and merit are over rated

elder decides they all gotta stay there

what is this? a union?

the boss sez something and everyone has to do it?

so sm dad aint sm now

and he sides with main guy

so its time for main guys bar mitzvah

and they just ask him if he'd hold to da word and law

he consents

later elder shows him this meteor they found

but aint allowed to touch

beardo suspects main guy didn't mean his answers at his ritual

also beardo is new sm

and main guy don't trust beardo

and sez one day they gon fight til 1 bites it

what are they? X and Zero from mega man X?

later blonde cave babe comes on to main guy and wants to have a home with him

so he digs a new cave for em

later main guy tells his woman he wants to ice the monster

he gives a speech about how its for the good of da klans future

he goes out to do so

ex sm dad finds out and tells mom(whos not really seen nor mentioned b4) hes going out to save him

beardo finds out and tells the people to go after em and ice em b4 they all get iced cuz of t

the men dont wanna follow beardo across the river as its breaking the law

so beardo gives a speech saying its ok as if they don't they all gon bite it and they follow him

like liberals saying if u don't do what we say, people will be unsafe

eventually, main guy finds cr-pula monster and dad finds them

main guy sez if he ices it, then theres nothing to fear and the law will be over

what is this? final fantasy?

kill the bad god and everyones free?

then brardo and friends come by and wanna ice the good guys in front of the god ands it will know they wanna keep da law

then dogs come in and attack the people

I like how dogs are the bad guys here

so the dogs are done and everyones dead but beardo and the main guys

I think

maybe they cut the scene that sez what happened

main guy sees the monster isn't evil

then beardo kills it with a rock he dropped from a tree above em

why?!

didn't he wanna please it b4?

now he wacks it?

was he aiming for main guy?

wtf

also the monster is too tough for spears to stop yet a rock busts it?

also, he had to be pretty strong to carry dat rock up da tree

unless it was already there

if so, why was it there!?

so main guy picks off beardo with his bow

then the other people who disappeared after the dogs come by saying they otta ice main guy and dad

dad sez now the law is over

and inside the monster is a rotted geezer

they find a book on him with photos from the 20th century

now the klan is open to new ideas and will go past the law areas

and might find someone who can read the book

then geezer gives a narration even though hes dead about how he was a scientist and there was a nucular war that f'd da world

the radiation caused animals to turn into dinosaurs somehow

and made murtants

him and his fellow scientists were protected by radiation suits and got to live forever

the survivors set a list of laws to keep people safe

when the sceintists tried to contact the humans, their radiation iced em

hes the last one and radiation is gone

then narrator sez thjis happened long ago and men met other men and made machines and guns

it happened many times

and if it happens again, will we survive the next one?

or will it be... the end???

the end

that was pretty good

not too long

only a bit over an hour

decent acting

interesting lesson

good twist at the end

why does the future always have dinosaurs?

look at contra hard corps

also; the whole "past setting with monsters is really the future" is later done in vampire hunter D

this seemed to influence a lot of cr-p that came later

I liked it

its not boring

its not annoying

its clean and mostly wholesome

no gore or secks or swearing

its also kind of like that theory where the flintstones is actually the future after a nucular war

was this b4 the flintstones?

chex wikipeeda; yes

but this was pretty good

I liked it

for teenage caveman 2 I want them to find a computer in a bunker with a lot of movies on it and a bunch of cr-ppy reviews made by some internet nut who cant spell and mentions b0ning non stop. as they are the only thing that survived da war, the cavemen think its how it really is and they take the reviews seriously. leading to many funny moments of quoting the reviews as the movie plays on this huge a55 screen in the bunker. its a comedy where them getting it wrong is funny. also they wonder about the cr-ppy sequel ideas the reviewer has and why they didn't make those films, so they make em themselfes. its also an 8 bit nes, sega master system Gameboy, game gear and Atari lynx game where u play as cavemen making movies like the bad ideas the reviewer had.