Wednesday, April 21, 2021

Black Patch Review

 Note: i spell bad but  ur used to it so i don't gotta spell good

b;lasck patch

this is my review on black patch from the distant future year of 1957 (The year Henry Gloval was born i Robotech)

its directed byu Allen H. Miner who i saw nothing of and srars Leo Gordon from The Farbage Pail Kids Movie and Alienator with thsat buff bl;onde Teagan Clive, House Peters Jr. from Rebel w/o a cause anmd The Day the Earth Stood Still (the good one) and The Red Badge of Courage, Lynn Caertwriote from Queen of Outer Space,. A League of Their Own and The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, Peter Brocco from One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest and Spatracus, Strother Martin from butch cassidy and the sundance kid, thr man whoi shjot liberty vallence, McLintock! and the 50s A Star is Born, Ned Glass from Julius easer, and no one else i;m saware of

btw its in b/w and proper fuillscreen

so it starts with a guy ofscreen capping something, then riding out on a horse

latter we an eyepatch guy walking as credits go on during a machine doing music

so 1 eye sends a drifter outta town as hes a marshasll

then a cart with a fam comes to town and this teen helps unpack

then bad guy comes over to ominous tunes and hes the offscreen guy b4

btw i never saw this b4

bad guy gets a drink and 1 guy trips teen and mocks teen fior his mom being iced

teen goes berserk and attax him but is taken down so bad guy fights tripper

a fata55 sez to no do shj-t and bad guy goes and tells kid he beat up tripped cuz triopper p-ssed him off


baad guy goes to see the marshall but in jail sees a mexican who is an inmate but given free run as i guess the democrats run this city

bad guychex into a hotel and hears a chick hes waiting 4 is there and goes up and reunites

he asks her if he saw a guy named clay and she sez no

later 1 eye comes back and sees teen training with aiming a gun and mexico comes by and sez bad guy came for him  and 1 eye goes to da hotel

1 ye sez hes clay and reunites with bad guy and they are homies

also the chick is bad guys woman ND  bad guy (who i dont think is bad) sez hes going out tmorrwe to get into ranching

also 1 eye knows chick and outside bad guy sez 1 eye left chick waiting and he waited for her to get enough of him

so at night she goes out and meets 1 rye and they hug (which was pr0bably b0ning in the reasl version) and he sez hes different now from the war

later its day and guys come by saying theres a wanted guy who looks like bad guy and 1 eye sez its not likely that bad guy was it cuz he couldnt make the trip from towns in that tiume

so they go to see bad guy and pull a gun on him and bring him in

he wont tell em where the stolen money is and 1 eye sez for the bounty hunters to getta warrent, which will take 1.5 days

bad guy is jailed anbd says this is gonna f up chick

1 eye goos too see chick who sez she don't love bad guy like she loved 1 eye and 1 eye trys to getta laywer

at night 1 guy climbs on the roof of the jail and offers a deal through the window to bad guy to split the money and help him

bad guy consents and later chick comes by jail and sez to get a good deal by giving up the cash

bad guy sez to go to el paso (to get cr-ppy a55 tacoes? gag me with a spoon!) and he ses hes got a plan to get out

then the hotel fata55 has a guy puit bullets in booze and loads em into a gun and pulls the trigger

but the booze f'd the bullets and it dont fire

this p-sses off his bibmo and she goes top judge a fashion show in the garbage pail kids movie

later a guy goes by the jail, wait its 1 eye and tells mexico to go home

when 1 eye goes to the cell bad guy pulls a gun on him and bad guy lox him in the cell

but b4 locking it, 1 eye shoves the doors a55 and they fight

1 eye is out kold and bad guy goes out on horse but gets capped by the guy who gave him the gun and runs

1 eye gets there and i thnink sees the guy running and when he turns over bad guyy, bad guy firtes ther gun, but the bullets were in booze so they dont fire

thehn bad guy bites it and 1 eye finds fake money on him and throws it away

the people run out and chick is in there and thinbk 1 eye did him

wait, the money is real and main guy has it and in his offica gides it in the stove

he chex the gun and finds the bullets were f'd and goos too fata55es

he b--ch slaps fata55 and gives him the gun and sez to use it on 3

fata55 dont and 1 eye knows he knew the gun was f'd

so people in topwn talk and theres an inquest into the shooting andf 1 eye gets off as he had head blows and the people dont like it

later the bad guyys things were brought to chick by teen and fata55 wants the money and the minion who gave the gun and capped bad guy is b--ched at by fata55 over not getting the money

teen comforts chick who's all f'd over bad guy getting it and gives teen bad guys sh-t

1 eye sez teen is too young foir a gun and teen tells him off for wastingh bad guy

1 eye goes too chick and says he didnt cap bad guy but she dont buy it and hates him

she b--ches out and he goes and teen asks if shes ok but she's too f'd and 1 eye finds the money is gone

he goes to fata55 and strangles the minion and aks where the mnoney is

he looks for tyher cash but its in the harpscichord and he don't know it and leaves

later rumors get out about chick b0ning teen and teen trains with the bag guys gun

later a guy comes guy with a new gun thats better and they get a britmo who served the brittsh regent to hock it

also he's all f'd out, probably from his disabbility of being brittish and thus, devolved!

so they have a thing where they conmpare a single and the new double action revolver with teen who used bad guys gun

teen drawa from holster and using his 2nd hand to hammer the hammer, outshoots this crusty brit from the 1700s

people say teen is a bada55 for beating a guy who proibably fought in 1812 and the townsfolk and afraid of teen now

they wanna run him outta town or string him up but 1 eye sez teen hasnt done anything yet


so the townsfolk gossip and fata55 whos a frenchie and thus, the villian, brings in teen and gives him booze

alcohol leads to saying ands doing dumb things

and with teens, its worse

just look at the internet!

dumba55 teens eating tide pods or doing the skullcracker on tik tok

so teen and minin are drnk and teen rides drunk like a horse and fires off his gun a55

minion throws a bottle and teenn caps it and teen, being a duumba55 drunk teen, desices to draw on each other

but minion is not that stoopid and sez to cap a light

then 1 eye comes over and sez "go to jail" for public disturbance

they go quietly but teen sez he's gonna go at it with 1 eye one day

like x and zero in mega man x knowqing they must fight one day

so later they get relleasede and teen calls 1 eye bl;ack/tellow patcxh

later teen sees chiuck and shes leaving and he likes cuz cuz i guess they were b0ning

she wants him to give her the gun back and he wants her to stay or hi to go with her

cougar or mi|f with young teen?

is this American Pie??

teen seems unbalanced and thinks shers still in love with 1 eye and heards 1 eye and bad guy talking b4

teen goes mental and goews out in the wastelands to laay on the ground

if this were made today hed be cutting himselfd and j-rkin off

minion tells fata55 that teen likes chick and fata55 beats on his bimbo for mouthing off to him

later teen comes to fata55 aND Gets booze and chick is going, wait, its fata55es bimbo and she is refused entry to see fata55 so she cant ice him

she goes to the hotel and seez chick and teen thinks macontent thox about chick using andmocking him and frenchie fata55 eggs him on to ice 1 eye as "everyone hates him! its for the best!"

just like malcontents on the nternet try to drive pewople to suicide for poercieved "injustices"

teen goes out and eventually gets to 1 eyes place and calls him out and throws rox through his glass

1 eye eventually comes out and trys reasoning with the disgruntled teen with a gun

teen coounts to 5 and draws but 1 eye dont and tenn gets b--chy

chick comes and sez its all her fault and fata55 and minion had bag guy iced as bimbo told her

teen breaks down and puts the gun in his mouth and says "see you in h-ll" and his head blows off!

jk really he drops his gun and 1 eye sez "we gottas jorb too doo" and gives him the gun and they walk off to get frenchie

the end

that was pretty good

nice unexpected twists and good story

it dont really drag and has some flow and decent music

i like the way its filmed

good camera work and style

sorta like a 50s or 60s show

itts welll made and has good style and class

for Black Patcxh 2 I want them to go to see fata55 frenchie but he has ecsaped and is on the run. So the movie is trhem going from town to town following his trail ands fixing the wrongs he's done to the peopple, leading to 1 final battle with him after he's gotten a wood mech suit the size of a building assembled in his final hidden base zone and teen and 1 eye team up to stop him. Also its a 16 bit run n gun game on sega genesis, snes, tg16, atari jaguar and gba where you play as either teen or 1 eye and blast through minions of minor guys handling these towns and facve off with the wood mech as the final boss

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