Tuesday, April 6, 2021

Vampire In Brooklyn Review

 Note I spell el vam,piro seen yore

vampire in brtookllyn

this is my revieew on Vampire In Brooklyn from 1995 (The year there was the Gloval Civil War in Robotech)

its got EDDIE MURPHY FROM PLUTO NASH, Joanna Cassidy from Ghosts opf Mars and Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, and nno one else i;'m aware of

its directed by wes craven who did great films most of the time and people say this one s-cked

i never saw it but heard of it on that lucas brothers show

I'm watching tis on bounce so its edited for content but it was rated 18+ in America, korea, irelaND ANd the phillipiners, 16+ in ukraine, singapore, germany, finland, iceland  and arttgentina, and 12+ in portugal and france

oh and a srttunt woman bit it makingh this

so after credits we get narration of vampires leaving egypt and going around da world(zaa waruldo!)

now a vampire is in broolyn in soviet new york and looking for a chick

so this big a55 boat plows tyhrough the dock and these 2 guys working there dont notice as theyre watching some blonde on tv

so they check it out and nothing happens for a fdrw mins and then a dog comes in and turns into a p-mp

the transfromation is done in shadow on a wall

so later this b--ch is b--ching at her man and throwing his sh-t out and this italnaio nearly runs him over and wants money paid back

he;s gonna have the guy wacked but eddie comes in with a fog and they empty a gun into him

eddie gets up like count orlock and heals over like wolverine anfd pulls out 1 of the guys beating hearts like hes a mayan or aztec or w/e

the italiano is then b0ned dead or something

srsly, he jumps him behind a car and tears off his clothes

the guy runs and eddie finds him and eddie eventually bitws his own finger, and feeds the guy his blood to vampirize him

so then this chick reads her horrorscope (which isd witchcraft) and her and her partnet arrive at the dock and see the news there

oh i thiunk shes a cop

 and oner of the dock guys sez it was a wolf

can't let youy do that star fox!

eddy and is man go to the boat for his coffin and eddie uses his dbz mind powers to do sh-t

cop chick falls through the floor and finds the coffin and inside is a chick whoi bites her hand

eddie red main comes in and recognizes cop chick and runs and she chaes but he egst away

when she gets back dfoewn with her partnet sje finds the coffis is gone

later eddie is gonna beat his man but a guy shows up and eddie jumps away

eddie throws a bag of coins and the guy lets eddies maN have a place

eddies strangles his man and sez to not sit on his coffin and he wants to find the girl tonight

so later chock cop goes home and the windows bust and the coffin chick attackds her but its just a dream

wes craven doing a horror dream? totyally new ground!!

the next day shes at the station and sez she senses something aBOUT the case and eddies man starts eating bugs like renfield in bram stokers dracula

also his body pasrts start falling off liker hes got aids or something

cuz he drank blodd

so eddies man drives him around in a p-mpmobile and cop chick elsewhere tells her partner her dad was iced in the islands b4 she was born

cops asks a guy who sez thre bosat is from the bermuda trioangl;e and has vampires

while at this club or w/e chop chiock taslksd to eddy vedder who controls and catches a snake that might bite her

so she thinks she knows eddie from b4 and he sez he had a dream of a chick trapped and eventryually she gooes off

eddie stretches his mans lip like those disks they use in africa and it snaps back like rubbed

later chicxk cop sez she senses things anmd shhe introduces hewr cop partner to her room mate

also chick cop paiints things she sees in her knightmaresd

laater partner is going home and room mate brings his keys he forggot and after he goes, eddie shows up

later chick wakes up and is b--chy so she goes out and paints and i think eddy is b0ning her room mate

so i think eddie iced room mate by b0nming her dead and chiock cop goes to church and eddie turns into a preist

he walks and talks with he and the people grind him into the church

he starts burning but puts it out and he gives a SERMON abouthowtheres 2 siides to each story and bad is needed to show good

kinda like birth of a nattion? show the dark side of wrong to illuminate the bright side of light?

btw, if vampires are damaged by holy, that meansd holy is real, and God is real

cops partner comes in and she thinks he b0ned her room mate

later psartner sez he didnt b0ne her and they reconsiile

holy cr-p we're over an hour in

that felt like nothing

oh i missed something

eddie had em do church outside

thats why he stopped burning

so eddie and his man chat aboiut how to get chick cop anda muggere comes at en, so eddy eats him

then mugger goes iinto a restaurant and captures chick cop and tries to mug the place

a cat or dog or w/./e jumps him aND HE BLOWS IT APART

then chick cop beasts him out and he gets arrested

lster at the station a chick sez brooklyn is gonna be judged like in the bible

good! nuke soviet new york!

it worked for sodom and gomorrah!

they ain't b0ning people dead anymore

so bible chick tries to shank mugger and in the confusion, mugger turns into eddie

i guess it was just him faking beiing him

so later eddie meets cop chick and shes bleeding so she drinks her own blood

he offers to make her fussili for dinner and its revealed she dont got a bf now as she dont trust her partner

so they plan to havbe dinner and lateer partner comes by her place and sees her dressed up and going to dinner

eddie murphys p-m- mobile comes by and picks her up and when she gets to the eddys mans polace, hew's cast a spell on it to unslum it

as paretner tries looking for info on eddies man with eddies mans's b--ch, eddie has as nice dinner with her and dances

eventually he bites her while they spin like a beyblade and the next day, partner comes by eddies mans place looikg fdoer him

later psartner finds room mate crucified on a water tower or some high place

so partner goes to see chick cop whos sleeping all day and tells her of her room mate being iced and looking just like a painting she did

so she starts makiung out with him and starts tearing off his clothes

she growes fangs and tryes biting him but sees herdself in the mirror fading like back to the future and runs

she goes to eddie and sez she didnt consent to beign turned and he sez he gave her a great gift

she runs buyt he gets to her like witrh that guy beinmg better at ghost stuff in daNNY PHANTOM

he sez cuz she never broke bones and was healthy, its proof she belongs or w/e

she wants to go and he sez "go but theres only 1 truth, u bewlong to me"

eddie reveals shes the kid of a vampire like in the mortal instruments city of bones  M IS W BACVKWARDS!! MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE!!) and pre disney star wwars

so partner, whos name is detective justice, like some kinda comic hero, tells a guy of the room mate being iced like the painting and he has 1 of her and eddie

the guy tells partner cop chick is a vampire now and pulls a blade

later eddie eats some blonde bimbo who sez she understands how his perople were oppressed and brings her body forcop chick to eat

also eddy brock devolves more daemony and she spazzes out as the wind and lightening force 4 goes nuts

ed gein takes her to sdome place and shes gonna bite it, and wants tgo as its better than being a daemon

better dead than red

so the guy who owns the place  comes in and eddy triesd to sacrifice him to her but cop partner anmd the vampire hunter guy come in

eddies man decrodes and uses kung fu but is beat out and his eye falls out

va,mpire hunter shanks eddie but he gets away with chick

so partner goes tyo face eddie frieson and save the chick coip but gets his a55 kicked

chick cop then makes out with eddie and shankes him with the magic dfagger like in tyhe yugioh movie

eventually he bites it and de devolves to his normal look, then turns topp mist or w/e and the apartment f--s out and returns top normasl

so shes cured and smooches cop partnet and eddies man is till decrodes and missing an arm as it fell off b4

he finds eddies ring and puts it on and is healed like in sailor moon

but now hes ther new vanmpire in brooklyn and the guy he rents from is his butler

the end

that was not so bad

its got good 90s style

good effects and feel

its not great but its not awful

it goes by aty a good speed and has nice flow and don't really drag

eddie wanted it to be straight horror and wes wanted it to be comedy

i think it turned out prtty good

i mean its not ben hur or gone with the wind, but for a cheesy 90s vampire movier, its not bad

for Vampire In Brooklyn 2 I want it to be the 2010s and the guy who became the vam,pire at the end of the 21st one is a dark overlord who runs the yber city of brooklyn and hsas cyberized vam,pires working for him and putting their blood in drugs to turn people into his minions. Also there's a blonde chick with huge muscles and a spandex bikini like in american gladiators who is hhired by the people to bringh him down. Its also an 8 bit nes, game boy, master system and game gear, atari 7800 and lynx and tg16 game where you play as this chick asnd go through the cyber city and platform kinda like Master Of Darkness on Master System, but meets some weird 80s sci fi thing

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