Tuesday, April 27, 2021

On Deadly Ground Review

 Note: I spell liker this movie

On Deadly Ground

This ios my review forb On Deadkly Ground from 1994 (Tghe year Sonic 3 and Knuckles came out)

Itsd directed by steven segal and people say it s-cked

its got segal, michael cainme from goldmember and the swarm, r lee ermey from the texas chainsaw massacre revboot, billy bob thornton, Sven-Ole Thorsen from those schwarzenergger films, anmd bart the bear

aw gay! its widescreen!

so after credits to shots of nature to kinda mystic music, theres a fire at an oil thing

then segal comes over in a chopper tryng to look bada55

1 geezer sez the cr-p they use isnt up to code and the boss makes em use it

segal used to be one of the guys but now is a slave to michael caine for money

so segal sets a thing and blows it wityh only him and caine not ducking cuz they arte too cool for it

also he lights his cigarette with a burning fire, even though it was already lit

caine sez it was human error not fasulty cr-p that caused it and he wants to keep the opil to make cash off it instead of it fgoing into the ocean

also segal just blew the evidence of if it weas faulty cr-p

later at a bar a redneck is mean to a native guy in a really antisubtle way

geezer talks to segal about how a buncha guys bit it in the fire and segal dont care

sregal sexz he saw the cr-p had cracks and geezer sez he wants segal to look into it

so redneck is kind of an a55 to native guy and segal beats a buncha guys out for it

u guy he breaks the arm and chucks him through the wiindow, which is in alaska so the cold air will go in

faces him in a game where they take turns tapping each othetrs hands and if you miss, the foe gets a punch

its like yuygioh meets riki-oh

so after a beat down, segal sez, what does it take, to change the eessence, of a man

redneck secz, time! and now that he's humbled, hes gonna be a good guy

like the other yugi torturting a guy wiht black magic toi be good

or lovely angel b0ning the evil outta a guy in that Go Nagai Manga

so later caine films an add with cariboo about how he cares for narure

then aftewr doing it he b--ches about how the cariboo stink and he wants to be cleaned adfter touching 1

1 lawyer or w/e sez the long term benifits for surviving wifers of the guys hwho bite it are too generous and he's running outt atime

caine spazzes out and sez if it aint online and working in 13 days, the rights to the land go back to the natyives

lawyer sez a guy is talking of fsaulty cr-p and it could cause caine to lose billions so he wants a guy to take care ogf him

so segal goes in and looks through the files to find they are using defective cr-p and the new parts wont get in for 90s days

the system spots him logging in and accessing classified files

later geezer is at his 90s computer with the classified files and some goons come to his cabin with internet access

they find his computer has been downloaded or w/e and they torture him, by breaking hjis fingers to find the data

then they take a pipe cutter and do something toi him as its the tv airting we sdont see, also they trash his place looking for the data

so lawyer sez at a press conference that things are ok and in 3 months thingsa wiill be normal

a native guy talks about how the environment is being poisoned by ther oil thing and its devolving the people

a chick splashesd black goo on him saying the blood of her people is on him

segal sez he understands why caine is using cr-ppy cr-p as if he waits for the next shipment he wont make the deadline and asks "how much money is enuff"

also theres another accident on another place and caine sez he csan talk of this after and sends segal to fix it

they go over and egzal;goes in  waering a diving suit thing and finds geezers body and charges

they the bad guys blow the place and a nativber guys on a dogsled go over

1 sez he saw something in a vidion and they find segal alive somehow and bring him back to theirt canadian mad max village

later caine sez it was sabotage and the sabatogers got it in the thing blowing and it was segal and the geezer

meanwhiile the natives treat segals issues and segal meets the elder

elder sez segals like a bear wehich i assume is gonna trun him furry and goes some kinda surgery on him

so caine wants them to keep looking for segal as "ifg we dont find a body hes alive" like its chucky or sopmething

segal heals and goes out in a ceariboo or sasquaTCJH SKIN COAT AND FIGHHTS DOGSD AND tells the natives if the bad guys find him they'll f the village

elder sez hes healthy enuff to go on his journey and tells segal their creation story

there was no one on earth until day 5 and a man came from a secrted place fulkl ghorwn and saw a raven

he made animals and cr-p and raven worried man would f the earth and made the bear to keep man in check

sornds kinda ike the Bible

so segal is the bear to keep dangerous man in check to protect nature

they cast a spell on him, or somethign and he has a trippy vision about nature and how man has f'd it

on law and order svu; the earth defense group (EDG) is attacking people they fear/hate for their "crimes" against nature (like making suv's or building a home on forest land) the cops hassle this member about going to jail but he sez; you cant keep RAEPING THE EARTH! me; YES! I! CAN!! (starts h-mping the lawn) eat my d-ck you b--ch!

so later the bad guys comer to the villager and hassle em if thery saw segal and elder sez no

they find segals diving suit and when 1 guy smacks the chick, the elder does something and gets capped

so later segal comes back and the baddz are gone and segal sez bye to the elder whos almost bit it and 

so after the elder bits it they reveal they have a snbomobile the whole time but its for emergencues and segal and the chcck take it to go tyo the geezers cabiin

its trashed and btw, theres leafy green plants around it, despite being neasr the artic in pre soviet alaska

segal finds the disks and bad guys come in and segal beats a55

caine in the plant sez segal is a super elite bada55 like hes kenshiro or riki-oh or something

so caine gets mercenaries from the 3rd world and 1 is r lee

so segal sez the oil thing is gonna blow when brought online and is gonna pump poison back into the ground or w/e

so now segal is gonna blow the oil thing like hes on a gee haaad

btw most of the natives are played by asiasns

so chick sez they shouldnt bklow it and segal goes on a cr-ppy speech about how theres not gonna be a miracle of someone saving em and stopping tech and hes gotta do it

its pretty bad

so sega gets a buncha guns and goes off on a horse as theres no carbon emmisions except when it breathes and poots

so the mercenarties sez segal is only on record after 87 which means hes super top secret

segal goes to his storehouse and its fuill of arms and asplosives

he puts out a signal to lure the mercaneieres in and segal sends chick with a pack of cr-p and rigs his place to blow

as the chopper lands the cabion blows in slo mo and takes it out and sega cd goes oof oon horsebacka dn sets trap cards

the mercenaires on horseback think nthey got him and go after him but r lee spots a trap and when 2 guys go on they hit a 2nd tap and get takewn out

so thgey go on and sega 32x and chick jump a gap on horse and blow the cliff with a bag of asplosives

so sgea satrun gets to the oil place and and uses a pop bottle as a silerncer and takes a guy out

so segal takes more guys out and at the oil thing theres a lot of cops and the mercenatirs worry of capping segal with em there

seagl rigs the place to blow and tells the workers to gtfo and f's the systems so the power gets f'd

then he blows part of the plant and releases acid which is at an oil plant for some reason

the power comnes backa nd r lee goes on a monologue about how epic and bada55 segal is

then theres a shoot out in an oil plant cuz these guys are f--king inbred

how this? segal as batman??

so caines goons book it and lawyer sez she going to the toilet as i guess segal is so cool she's gonna shj-t her pants

segal catches the main goon who sezx he has evidence agianst caine but when he takes a swing at segal, segal throws hi into a chopper propeller

the lawyer drtives into a gasoline thing and the gas thing and the gas leaks to a fire and the fire makes the whole tghing blow!

spoiler; it wont do that! it'll burn! not blow!!

so segAL O MEAN CAINE GETS MORE GUYS IN TO GUARD IT AND i think 1 is the native guy who segal beat up the bully of at the start

so the place blows more and segal sends the elevator down woth a thing of aplsoneives in int asnd when 2 guys who he has no way of knowing were there open fire, it blowes and wacks em

so segal sets the station to overloeoad and r lee comes outta the muck with a shotgun and sez hes gonna ice segal

but segal is too much for him and takes the shotgun and blows him out

you know r lee, you couldn've just shot him instaed of talking about it

so in 3 minutes this planet i mean iol thing will blow and the bad guys cant udsre guns cuz its an oil plant even though they used em b4

segall takes em out and gets to caine and sez "what does one say to a man w/o a conscience" and goes on another speech

caine terlls segal to turn it off like segals gonna do it after blowign the plant

caine waslks away knowing segal wont cap him in da back and segal stings him up by the leg with a riope and hangs him over a water thing

then shoots the rope and he falls into it

so segal and the chick escape as the place blows for sa few mins

so later segal gives a speech about nature and how the big bad oil guys are keeping the super good tech down to make money

also theres a lot of footage poof nature and he keeps going on and on about how da urth iz f--ked and the companies are doing it

alsdo he sez how they control the media and laws and keep the people down and are damaging us

kinda like hormones and vaccines?

also he sez how we can't drink oiutta our faucents cuz of poisoin water like its detroit or michigan or w/e democrat run city is f'd

oh canada has boil water advisdories too and thats pretty coomie

also hes like a  fooot taller than everyone like hes in japan

the end

that was prertty antisubtle

preachy and over the top and most of the movie is "i'm segal! i;'m zee ubermenbbch! no one can stop me!"

its entertaining and fun and has good effects and is so bad its good

they got a briotish guy as thr vbillian like real life and nowadfays peope woould love it for being against oil and pro native

the fight scenes are good and its fun to point out all the logic errors and how it sucks segals d0ng

yeah its bad, but its the good kinda bad

if you want a dumb action film with over the top cr-p, this is good

for mon dadly ground 2 i want for miuchaerl caine to have been devolved by the chedmicals in the oil water he gfell in and trhe plant blowing caused him to turn into some kinda grotesque monstrosity. he gets revenge on the natives  and starts eating them to try to absorb their dna o return to human! also he fights nataive  cryptids and theiurt battles are all over alaska. its also a 16 bit game like king of the monstyers but on genesis, snes tg16,m atari jaguar and gba and you play as either devolved caine or one of the cryptids and fight throught alaskka.

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