Joe Dakota Review

Note: I spell like Joe Dement

Joe Dakota

This is mein review on Joe Dakota from the distant future year of 1957 (55 years before the world ended from the mayan holocost)

its directed by Richard Bartlett who diod nothing i saw b4

it stars Luana Patten from Song of the South, Charles McGraw from T Men/It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World/The Birds/Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here/In Cold Blood/Spartacus, Claude Akins from From Here to Eternity/The Twilight Zone /Eerie Indiana, Lee Van Cleef from Escape From New York/The Good, the Bad and the Ugly/How the West Was Won/The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Anthony Caruso from Blackbeard the Pirate, Paul Birch from the 50s WAR of the Worlds/Rebel Without a Cause/Day The World Ended/Queen Of Outer Space/ The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance/It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, George Dunn from Inherit the Wind/The Beguiled/The Andy Griffith Show, Gregg Barton from the 40s 3 muskweteers/The Red Badge of Courage, and other 20s guys ii never saw in anything

i never saw this b4 but theres a 722 film with the dsame name

ooh, its fullscreen and colored

so after logios and credits to soft msuic, we getta cowbow riding in on an a horse to a slum town of shacks and sheds

theres no one outside and everythings closeds like saoviet detroit

maybe the invid got em?

this is how horror mnovies start, ever see the 00s house of wax?

as hes about to go, he sees a yellow dress chick like that nintendo chick who sez everyone else is working

shes kinda b--chy and unfreindly, so i assume shes french or some other kind of devolved

so main guy goes off and sez i'll be back like hes arnold, whuich was from the future in several ways

btw this kovie is only 79 mins so they add like 40 mins of adds to make it a 2 hour filme

he hoos i mean goos oon too private property and guys are digging for il with a pulley system that raises this metal tyhing and drops it to hammer the ground in its earthen a55

after looking aorund the shed and talking to the guys, the property owner sez he cant walk as he pleases as its private property and main guy wants to know who lives in the shed

owner sez no one and he cant hire him as its a small thing and he advises him to not stay in this town

main guy asks how long they were drilling and how long the shed was there, but the ownerr wont say

the workers dump huim in the poil wihch will probalby kill him from poisoning

the make it looks funny and his horse donty recognize him as hes now jet black

the people dont trust him as he goos oof and think hes upo to something and want him ended

so he goes back to the slum toewn and is missing much of the oil and wait, its back now and chick sez if she knew he was going there, shed ahve warned him

sher gets him some cleaning thing and he has oily money and she gets him new clothes

pants medioum, socks large

me; that means he has a big weener!

so he sez hes here to see the old indian man who chcik sez is joe dakota

i wanna take his face, off!

who am i? I'm spouder man!

and death stalker too!

she sez joe dont live therte anymore and locks him out as he wants a bath

then shge'd see his long weener!

later she wakes up and sees him bathing in a trough, whuichj will kill, anything that drinks from it, and she'd see his long man thing

he's singing and is deblacked and she calls to him to get outta there as some guys coming over

we dont take kindly to naked emn round here, this isnt europe!

even though his thing is not in sight, ther women are sent in before their eyes are befouled

the men go up to him and are not pleasded

the guys fight him and he usesd his long man thing as an extra limb and kills them with his big hard ding d0ng

jk they say they otta arrest him and he sez he didnt think they'd be back so soon

they form a circle aroundf him and give him is towel so no one sees his enormous weenee

So he sez the money for the new clothes is out and the chick sold em to him but didnt see his 4 foot b0nert

he hits the plug and the trough dumps the soap and oil water ansd asks if they'll telll where the guy hes looking for it but they dont

so after roaming the wwasteland on his horse like Raoh in Hokuto No Ken, or Kenshiro in Hokuto No Ken 2, he goes to the shed and hgoes in

he lights the lampe and loox around and finds a dagger in a sheath, then leaves

in ther slum toewn, the people talk about how if they did right sending him away and the town used to be kinder and friendlier

1 italiano sez he uised to be friendlier and he told them of the oil on this guys land, i think dakota, and now they gonna be rich

but now they are scared of being found out of doingf wrong and each other and have to shun people

they gotta wait for a bit for something that can come any time and 1 guy wants to get rich as hes a farmer weho hasd to move on often until now

they drink dark tinted water that i think is meant to be booze but it has no fizz and looks like cr-ppy lool aid

so main guy goes to some place and gets something from this storage guy thing or w/e

theres a number of scenes w/o dialogue and where you just ecxperience the setting

its like a silent film, and i likes that

man we're 40 ins in with adds and it feels like nothing

not much happened but it keeps you interersted, kinda like alien 1

so then we get the chick oumping water and humming and filling the trough, which might still have oil in it and pooison the animals

after the exxon valdees spill, mosy of the worker scleaning it up died in a matter of years

so some chicks come by in a cart and chicks mom donty wanna come to the well or talk to mom

main guy returns and chick sez she knew he'd come back even though main guy didttn tell her

but he did say b4 i;;ll be back

he never said how many times

mom turns out to be her sister even though shes like 16 years oldfder than her, and main guy talks to her and goes in and sees all the guys

they are b0ning in a secks pit with hexagrams and swastikas all over and daemon statues around by torch light

jk really its just a bar and main guy asks where joe went

they say he left 2 weeks ago and didn't say where he's going so main guy is gonna stay there a while

owner sez, sure, be friendl;ly and he can staty, but maybe they can let main guy join their club

therse 2 guys in the club offer to play a game to decide who plays for drinks by punching each other off stools and tbney keep beating until 1 wins

what is this? tik tok?! guys beating on each other for fun?

so they wont let him pay for drinks unless he joins the club and main guy agrees as it seems harmless

so he goes up and gets slugged, then the other guy slugs him

then he has his turn and beats em both out with 1 punch each and wins

they he fist fights bothof em and wins as hes the main guy and kicks a55

owner sez hes got no place for him there and he sez he has a piece of land there

they say he dont and he sez he owns joe dakotas land and no one sold it so its his

they say he has a paper of ownership and main guy sez its notm legal and its not the joes mark

to settle this, he sez, get joe, but they say, joes gone, so he sez until someone finds him ro remembers, theres no drilling on the land

so the townsmen wonder if hes telling the truth or faking it and he might have researched to get enuff info on joe to get it

1 guy sez he might be the real deal, but ownewr sez if ur saying he's right, ur saying i;m wrong

owner sez  theres a chance the indian solf him land he didnt own and goes to the county thing

then we see him in the back of the shed with the indian joe dement with his arms and legs skewered on metal poles and sewed into the leather curtains on the wall so he can't get away and he says "you sell me land you dont own?! i'll have your a55!!

jk really owner smooxches sistere and she wants to have the town be better and they are in love and wanna use the oil to improve the town

he sez f main guy really owns the land, he might bre the only one who knows it and smoches her, but she sees his shotgun in his saddle

which makes sense as theres raisweers and wild animals out there

so ownwer goees to theshed by the oil well and has hgis gun out, but main guy has his gun and makes him drop it

owner sez he might have seen maimn guy at another oil place butmaiin guy denies it

main guy sez for owner to go and owneer walks off

as hewalks off, main guyt fires a shot and gets him between the legs and his man parts fall dowm his pants leg

jk really  the susters talk abouit main guy and owner and then at night, auin guy goes and taps a door and the italiabno goes to da doore

he goos in and gets a shave at 1 am and talks as italliwno is kinda not fully awake

he mentions thast owner wanted farmland but then found oil after buyiong the indian land

main guy sez he figures owner forced indian to ewll him te land and italiasno spazzes out and runs

then we see main guy in this place and as he opens the door with his rifle, chick is there and sez sjhe wants to know who he is

she sez hes not joe dakiota and joe sr didnt have a son and she was friends with joe 1

he sez joe borrowed his name andsent him a telegram asking for help and he asks who iced him

she sez everyone hsanged him and now its the ox bow incident

shbe sez they hanged him for trying to b0ne her w o c with out cionsent while drink

she got away and they striung him up and he dont buy it

he thinks they iced him for te land but she sez her dad got the deed to the land 2 weeks b4 the \lynching and he got to live there until he started

he dont buy it and she sez she hates him and b--ches out

btw, nowadays, the indian woiuld be a victium of the Whuites and be falswely accused and would be drunk as a way of coping with it

but back then we could have bad guy who were not White

so later its day and owner asks if chick is ok about the indian attack and she asks if he iced joey for the oil

owner sez she shouldnt even think like that aND DENIES IT BUT SHE SEZ she tallked to main guy over it

he is worried aboiut it and she sez she feels like its her fault dakota got it and she felt he owned it to maiin guy looking fior joey

owner is  her dad i think and sshe is sent in as main guy comes by and leaves a noose on this sign to the town

they think maiin guy is going to joes grave and there he puts a cross on it and riudes off

chick ses therwe only 1 guy joe would ask for hekp, his captain from the aremy or w/e and he could only write his name, joe dakota

they thertorize over if joey tried to b0ne her and or if they iced him ocer the land or oil

he has herrelive her encounter with demon joe and when she went out, someone she didnt see grabbed her and had booze on his breath

after being slugged out, she woke up and joey was there reaching for her and she freaked out

check ger butt for spurm!

she sez the attackers face was rough from niot being shaven andd realizes joey was only trying to help her

another man ruined by false accusatiions

so main guy rides outm, fallsm, gets up, runs back, wait its owenwe aND WAIT, OWNWR AND DAD ARE DIFFERENT GUYS, and ownwr c9omes back and finds the main guy found ouit about it

they say main guy is trying to get em to think about their actions and ownwr sez he only wants the oil welll abnd itys all just a trick

also all their fuutures are invested in the well and sister sez he's trying to help em against the main guy

so chick feels guilt but he sez its not ur fault

then the ground breaks through and oil p-sses from the earths a55

the townsamengo to stop the gusher of ABIOTIC OIL MADE NATYYUALLY BY TRHE HOWLLOW EARTHS and main guy hugs chick and goes outeven though she sez owner might cap him

main guy confronts owner for  framing the joe and sez he wont shoot him in front of witnesses

chick sezshe remembers the guy had whiskers and joe didnt grow a beard as hes indian and they are eviolved beyond it

jk evolution is fake

dad sides woth main guy and owner sez "whats the difference? an indian for an ouil well?

owner aims the gun on the townsmen and fores, which proves imdb WRONG as it sez theres no gunshots

owner has the people block the well and main guy fights owner in the oil as the townsfolk watch instead of blocking it

so main guy beats rthe black offa him and walks on like hes got something jammed in hs a55

ownsr starts a fire on a rag and throws it and it torcges the well

shoiuldnt it go to the core and blow the earth?

waitm, it wwas the italiano whos not the barber i think

so he sez its to return the town to its friendly way

dad sez thety are a god tiwn reALLY AND MAIN GUY SEZ HES COMMING BACK

THEN main guy pouts his gun on the grave, wait, its a naME of joe dakota, and hes like 2 feet taller than her

is she like 12 or something?

the end

tthat was pretty good

nice compact western

good pacing and flow

not boring whill not having much go on

its got a slow burn

sorta like alien 1 or x men 001

its got a good story and twists

good acting and style

it holds up

for Joe Dakkota 2 I want Joe to hear of a similar attack on a girl like the one that happened to the girl in the 1st one and goes off to find it. Also the girl comes along and can sense its the guy who attacked her with her ki. also its a point and click text adventure on Sega Mastyer System and Game Gear, Nes and Game Boy, TG16,m Atari Lynx and 7800 where yuou play as the main guy and the girl spazzing out is the sign you are getting close.