Texas Across The River Review

 Note: I spell like a Texas

Texas Across The River

this is mty revioew on texas across the rioiver from the distant fiture year of 1966 (30 years b4 the N64 pooped out with the abominois mario 64)

its dirextesd byt maerk gordon from highway to heaven, i mean michael gordpn wjho diod Cyrano de Bergerac, Pillow Talk, and other things i never saw

Boston Blackie Goes Hollywood?>! like blacula or blackenstein or dr black and mr hyde?

it stars Dean Martin from, you know, i never saw him in anything, but i did see his bootrleg in Bela Lugosi meeta a Brooklyn Gorilla, the openly french Alain Delon from Asterix at the Olympic Games, Peter Graves from airplaiine 1 and 2, the 40sa Angels in the Outfield, The Night of the Hunter, Addams Family Values and Looney Tunes: Back in Action, Michael Ansara from Julius Caesar, The Ten Commandments, The Greatest Story Ever Told, the GOOD Star Trek, the 90s Batman and Batman Beyond, Linden Chiles from shock treatment, Andrew Prine from Chisum, Amityville II and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, George D. Wallace from Forbidden Planet, The Night of the Hunter, Minority Report, Bicentennial Man and Multiplicity, Don Beddoe from Cyrano de Bergerac, The Band Wagon, The 50s A Star Is Born and Pillow Talk, Richard Farnsworth from Gunga Din. Gone with the Wind, Red vRiiver, Mighty Joe Young, The Ten Commandments, Spartacus, Duel at Diablo, Blazing Saddles, The Outlaw Josey Wales, The Grey Fox, Little House on the Prairie, the GOOD Anne of Green Gables, and Highway to Heaven, anbd a bunxcha dinks from the 1910s I never heard of

I never saw this b4 but i think it got good reviews

aw gay its widescreen, but its colored 60s style technicxolor

so after logo we get title and credits to paiinting of what i assume happen in da movie, and a song

music by devol, like, delvoilved? its french??

then theres a car chase but its the 1800s so its on horses a55esm,, wait, its just them heading to a wedding

its louisianna and thisd confederate chick is marrying a guy and hes plsaayed by a frenchie in huanface faking being a confederate

so these soldiers come over and cancel the weeding  and i think they're yankees and so is humanface wh is mad at her for kissing other guys and i think he b0nes her wopc; with out consent

wait, its not frenchie in human face and its yancy who claims to be her future husband

tthe yankees carry offhumasnface and the other bf is named yancy, or yan and he dont like her martrying  humanface

humanface escapes and climbs the wall after hearing gf scream  and has a swordfight wuith yancy and his sword keeps btreaking as its probably made in soviert china

after his sword f's out, he uses kicks and is bumped by a guy opening the door and bumps yan out da window

yan goes to h-ll the final friday  aBND THE yankees say iots  murder and as the men with yanmcy are yancys cousins, gf sends humanface to Tewxas to meet her rthere

as she doesnt get how big Texas is and the yankees go after him as he rides on a big black horse

gf hugs yans cousin and on the path off, humanface swapos cxlothes woith a guy, and as hes french, he probably b0nes him

that wwas only 10 mins?!

so later humanface isa wqanted fgor murder and dean is friends with an indian aand keeps being beat out of the calvZry shop

he wants men to fightr commanchi but the us cxaLVARY WONT give em it as Texas isn't pasrt of theunion

a guy wiuth a gun game offers em a cchance for a 20$ turkery if a pplayer shjoots off the feathers of this thing and humanface puts up his hgorswe as collateral to try

dean and indian see him doing well but hes outta ammo aand is gonna lose, but dean offers his gun and he wins and smooches dean as hes froim spain, even though thats a frenchie thing

the yankees come for em, and dean shoots a vbanner on em and escapes

so the yabnkees chase and go around the areavand are sent the wrong way by a guy i mean the dean pretebnduing to be a wagon masn

humanface has a tuerkey and they go through the river on horse a55 and at the night they eat the turkey

cuz his name is balthazar, dean calls him baldy and he invites him to go through commanchi territory and he consents, but then can't as hhes a wanted man

he sez it wasn't that bad and dean sez hes gonna pretend he didnt say it

then comes his indian friend and hmasnface thinks he sqw him b4

they go through comanchi turf as its night and the commanchi think the moon is an evil spirit

which kinda fots as the cresent moon is associoated wuih the d=vil

oh and the ndiaN IS PLSAYED BY OPENLY JEWISH joey bishop who's el polen zakken

so later they go by some cattle and humanface goes to the stream to clean up abnd a big black bull sees him with his red shirt like star trek an comes at him

so he does matadfor cr-pr to handle it, then a swarm of cows come and humanface hiodes

after the cows run through, the commanchi cmer by but are scared off by gunshots or wsomething, and they decide to go through the commanchi graveyard as the comnannchi thinks its haunted

humanface realizes that indian turned him in to the cops as a way of getting him to boduguiasrd them and he slaps him to chal;lenge him to a duel;

dean diont wanna until after he delivers his revolvers or w/e hes doing and humanface tells dean to call him "your grave" so he calls him Grace like the spanish chick from Student Bodies

so then they'ere in this rockly place like power rangers and this shaman is doing a ritual at this chick on a horses a55 and has sanakes come outta a pot

frenchie saves her and falls and is bit by the snake and dean caps the snake

they cut his let and this somehow treats poison in his bloodstream and they gotta suck out ther poison but neither guy wants to

so saved chuick sucks it out, which in the real version was probably bit on his man thing

they see smoke signals thats in comanchi so indian cant read it, but saved chick can annd it seZ of cattle coming  fromn da eaast

shjes from a village caled White Village, which I thinbk means it has Americans in it and dean and indian goo oof

btw sucking out poisoin does nothing as the bloodflow carries it around right after the bite

so dean i mean humanface blacks out dean aand homie go to the cattyle guys to wartn em of the commancheese

later dean maartin sees a blonde shampooing uin A POND And he tells her to hurry up and she dont wanna be seen butt hole naked

shhe finds her clothes were jacked and he gets her a blanket i meabn, cloak and gets in the water to put it on her

this is how p0rn0es start

also i dont think they got shampoo in the 1800s

an comanchi jeckedthe dress and its cheifs son whjo dont like his acts

evil hero necroid shaman follows humanface and saved girl and she starts comming onto him asa he saved her

shaman, who's blonde like the morman intoions, follows but bangs his head on a tree and falls out

so then its night asnd the dean comes onot the bathing chick whos blonde and has his indian friend fake being comanchi to gte her to b0ne him

she recognizes the guy as his friend and slap[s him

if only he could just be hnets and just say: hay jiggle, nice bod, wanna b0ne?

or; yo bimbo! nive butt! what times it open?

so humanbface comes by this place and they thought he'd be dead from all the cr-p the dean told em

he wants to see the girl he wanted to marry but shes not here and he wondwers if theres another Texas

then theres a comanchi sighting and itsDestiny HERO Archfiend Shaman who wants the saved chick

the town wants to sacrificce the saved chick and humanface dont want her ritual sacrificed

but saved chick goes back and he goes after her and they meet ta bucnh of comanchi

the chrifs son goes to fight humanface and its a gunfight on horses, not unline a card gamne on motorcycles

humanface falls off his horce and knocks off the son, then goes to escape with saved chick on his horse

son gets iup and fights him withreally cr-ppy moves and keeps getting bumped into things as he's seeing multiple guys

after matador moves toi get him to jump in a lake, the other comanchi chase and he sends saved chick off and goes to fight and die, but americans come in and scare em oiff

dean comes back and son tries to j fk humanface but hits the dean in the dean a55

dan and indian goes off and humanface is given catttle for his heklp and can start his own land

so later dean and indian chum complain and confederZte gf comes by and indian says dean was arrowed and needs help as theres no dr

she goes to see him and he fam,es being ill and mentally f'd and hugs her

meanwhile, humanface is shown how to tame cattle by saved chick by using fire to drive the longhorns from herd, then on the 4th day, let them drink

they use torches to scare em off an the area is tiunted to look darker and nighter

the cows sense dead water that will ice em uif they drink it so the haumanfascxxe and saved chick stop em by chasing em

chick shows i mean throws the torch in the pond and it catches fire as its oil and then they take em to a real water thing in the day

somehow they are tiame now and the comanchi speak english with doodles as subtitles saying thee White Man is here and gonna bring guns, so they gotta get em out

the other texas guys thank him and realize hes the guy confederate gf is looking for him and saved chick is stuinned he has another gf and she wants to b0ne him and haver his devolved babies

so its been 3 days and dean faking being delirious and when humanface comes in he sees confederate gf and dean in bed and thinks they are b0ning

dean wants confererate gf and sez humanface is b0ning saved chick

when humanface is gionna out the dean for being shot in the a55, the dean slugs him and humanface sez its not the fist of a ill man

they go to duel and this geezaer cvomes in saying Texas in in the union for no and the calvary comes in and they see humanfac who dont wanna run

gf sezto eascape and he does and the unioniters chgase him and the friends say they liked him and will mioss him in h e double claifornia

the dean compforts gf and and saved chick helps the humanface escape

the Texas Jin ask the dean for help and he agrees to impress the gf

so then we see the comanchi having a thing and i thiunk the indian homie is with em

the calvary searches for humanface and saved chicxk but cant find em

at the ranch, the dean wants to give water to the longhorns in 2 days instead of 3, like feeding gremlins after midnight

then the comanchi come for the tiown and the topwn fortified the defences with wagons, like autobot cuty transforming in the transformers movie, or the zone base in transformers zone

indian homie is spazzing out and chiefs son tries to fitre a dflame arrow but his bow snaps

noiwadys, they never have an idnian as the screw up joke character, only Whites get it

so the indians attack and the town opens fire and the dean wants indian hiomie to go out but he dont wanna

indian homie fires and does well and the schoolhouse gets burned and they think the caldvayr will see it

not sonics schoolhouse!

a burning schoolhgouse?! itys the outsiders! johnnys gonna go to h e double mexico!

so the calvary goes around and doing diddley d0ng and humanface sez its been 2 days and she said little

she dont wanna say but goes on in a weird poetuic way about someone not seeing something

evantually she reveals shes gay for him and she reveals that the solfiers are only looking for him and cant see the smoke

to he has to save the village at the cost of his life by leading the soldiers back even if they string him up

so at the town, the americans are running low opn ammo and son accidentally gets the chirlfs headthing on fire

indian homie throws the gun and we replay the scene of the guy falling off a horse

dean sez bye to gf as it looks lime they're f;'d and then the cows gte out and chase off the iocomanchis

humanface runs past the comanchi as the calvary chases him and they dont notice the comanchi

later they are having a trial offscreen for humanface and its pretty biased

saved chick goes to bring humanface a gun in a boh kei and its found

the head yankee figures therss no weay the yancy was iced by a door bumping heim into the guy out the window, but it happens to him and he falls in the trough and they release him

humanface faces dean in a duel and have 10 paces but dean dont wanna do it that way as he dont get it

drean wants to walk out, walk back then draw so humanface dopes so

they fire and the horse gets its ding d0nmg blown off and it flies into the dean martins mouth!

jk really they walk up and then are face to face and they dont weanna shoot each other

they agree to gave dean slap humanface and and he does, then they slap at each other showing how hard they slapped

this just devolved into the 3 stooges

then the saved chick and gf have a CATFIGHT AND THE GUYS PUILL EM APART AND DEAN GETS THE GF AND humanface gets the saved chick

but it was a trick to stop the fight and the guy diigging huumanfaces grave gets gets oil and they wanna givbe the land to the indians

the chif sez"who wants it?" and rides off

thern credits to the song

the end

That was pretty good

Nice fun, good acting and music, nice effects, good jokes, gopod action

Its clever and has some good wit and 

it holds up and has a good feel

glad I saw it

Fo Texas Across The River 2 I want it to be in the Civil War and the gang reunites with their teen kids to fight the unionites attacking Texas by challenging the leader of the troop of each thing to a fist fight and winner wins the battle and loser is enslaVED by them. Also its a 128 bit Fighting Game like Capcom Vs Marvel on Sega DreamCast, GameCube, XboX and PS2 where its up to 4 players where you have a free mode where you choose any player or 2 players and fight to the end, Or a Stoiry Mode where you play as a Premade Dup and swap between em and 1st to be KOed is out. Its doe in hand drawn sprite graphics and has an anime style and the final boss isd abe lincon and ulysses s grant who after beatuing them, fudse into 1 super abominatioin and you gotta take em on. Also it can be 2 platyers fighter 2 others at once and up to 4 players witrh team comboes and the main characters are a guy and girl who are the kids of the couples in the 1st movie