Pompeii Review

 Note: i spell good but not as not good as this films accuracy hitorical

Pompei

Thisa is nmy review on Pompei from the distant future year of 2014(The year of malcontent uprisings in Robotech)

Its directal by Paul W. S. Anderson who did Mortal Kopmbat 1, Event Horizon, Resident evil 1, Alien Vs Predator 1, Resident Evil 4, Resident Evil 5 and Resident evil 06

it stars Kit Harington from Silent hill revalation, Emily Browning from Ghost Ship and Darkness Falls, Kiefer Sutherland froom Stabnd By Me and Flatliners(Or was thaT KEVIN BACON?)(waitm, its him), Carrie-Anne Moss from Fido anmd Memento, Jared Harris from The last of the mohicans, natural born illers, the 90s lost in space, Mr Deeds, Igby goes down, Resident evil 2, benjamin button, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones and 1 ep of SVU, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje from Congo, Ace Ventura 2, The Bourne Identity and Get Rich or Die Tryin', Jessica Lucas from She's The Man, the 2010s Evil Dead and Gotham, Currie Graham fro Hitchcock, Sasha Roiz from The Day After Tomorrow and Land ofd the Dead, Dalmar Abuzeid ffrom f--kin degrassi next gen and the f'd up, depressing, dark, feminist, reviusionist anne of green gables thing anne with an e, Emmanuel Kabongo from Flashpoint and Star Trek: Discovery, and a buncha 80s and 90s born homies i never heard of

i never saw this b4 but herd it was cr-p

So after too many logos we get credits and cg of people sealed in volvanic dust wiuth text saying people thought the gods left em

then tioitle then north breittania AND SOME IKID waking up as the celts attack his village

weren't they irish? those guys are kinda surplus to requyuiremewnts

so the kid standfs there spazzing out as his mom tries to save him but gets iced and kiefer sutherlannd, the descendant of the eugenist who made canada have "free" health care, has the rebelling celts executed

so the kid survives in the pile  bodies like with guts in berserk being pooped outta a corpse in a tree and theres upsiodedown corpses hanging in a tree

11 name in the credits; jon brown, like the malcontent in the 12800s

so kid is cauught and enslaved by the romans or greeks or w/e, i dont care its the same thging

then in the capital of brittania  the regent sez he thinks the place s-cked and ceaesr saw so,mething he didnt

this gladiator celt wjops a manl;y dude for the 000s but in the 80s would be a girly man iss a cekllt who easily waSTES A DUDE

so hes sent to pompeii past gaul with Asterix and Obelix and theres sime muscle slave body builders

this caret with a rich guy f--ks out when the horse gets f'd and celt slave tends  to it and snaps  its neck with a light turn to put it to sleep like a sadd canadian

princess or w/e sez it was the kindest thing to do and thankas celt slae anndhe slaves lidt the cart outta the hole in the eartths a55

princess's friend sez shes into slave and sghe likes his strenght and  not just muscvles

al;so musclke slaves being stronger than humanns is like exo squadd

so princess comes back to soviert pompeii and was sick of candy a55 rimeand brought a load of cr-l; with her

man we're like 15 mins in, that felt like nothing

so the slaves are put in their bin and princess looks at her milky white horse like ben hurr 

on the slave area is a big black guy and the pelace looks like a prison and main slave is asked what his name is cuz he iced a guys brother

a fight breaks out and he's head is poutr under water until be breaks out and kicks a55

regent guy sez they are toi care for the slaves as if they break they cant make money off em and sees 1 can be fixed witrh a f;d handf

slave master whoi i think is a frenchi and thus less evolved than real people, is p-ssed at main guy for fighting and black uy won 2 wine rations for a bet on the fight

out by the mountain, this aftrican isd on horsebacka ND THE FGFOREUND f--ks out and i think it eats him

after flashbacks of the celt village geing f;d, slave wa=kes up, as dreams are recording o the past, not new memories or vidions in herem

black guy is his cellmate and sez if he was gonna ice main guy' he';;d hhave done it by now

main guy dont wanna tell his name as they are gonna kill each other at some pojt and the n in this colloseum the slaves train

black guy puts on a leather strap on his arm like its hokuto nom ken and he is told he's decrodiong but he sez hes a free man if he wins tomorrow by roman klaw

is that a jamacian acxcent hes got? didnt think thjeuy had thast in the 000s

he faces main guy and i think they use wood swords and after being beat down 2x, main guy takes his wood

as they roll on the ground, the borther of the guy main guy iced tries to shank him but black guy kicks him away and saves main guy as he wants to be the one to end him like vegeta in dbz

so later ppeincesses rents and 1 is a senator  and his wife is trinity frtom the matrix meets kifer who seems a bit brittish despite being greek or roman or portuguese or w/e

so princess dad wants to have a new aquaduct and theres somnething about a new emnperor

preincess whines about dad letting a roman senbator in there and she dont like emperor titus  and romans and trinity wonders what happensed to her in roime bu she dont sasy

i assume some tries to greek her a55 with a b0ning

white horse comers back and her african sdidnt make it and they wonder where he was

also his name was felix and like the cat but the cat is black and thats racist

so in the cells main guy talks with black guy about how 1 more fight and hes free and main guy dont trust the gov cuz they do evil but blakc guy does

slave is told his flaws in his fighting styuyle and he tells black guy what he saw in his fighting styule flaws

your kung fu is from the old school

so the blakcv guy and main slave are broguth out and he sees thiss roman guy who i think iced his mom 15 years ago or w/e

regent who i think ius guys the i mean just the slave owner shows them to these chicks who wanna b0ne em

prtincess dad talks with keefer about the plan to upgrade the city and agree as keefer thinks its a good investment and they do the romnan handshake

keefer sez they sign cr-p after the games  and has interest in his daughter

princess and her homie see main guy and dad brings dauhgter to see keefer

isnt he like 40 years oldfer than her? also; shouldnt he be intoi young guys?

keefer is allone with her and sez in rome he thoughty they had an understanding and wants her to return to rome as his woman

she dont consent and gets out b4 he goes weins=trein on her

so theres a tremor and the horses spazz out cuz they can sense the ki of ther earth as it trembles and rewsonates and this cup of coffee sjhakes like jurassic park

princess has main guy hanfl;e her horse, and if this was makde later, it would be about him and the horse as a couple cuz they're greek or w/e

he uses his ki or w/e to calm the horsen and conneccts to it like in avatar withought plugging his hair tentacle b0ner into it

the slave guy sez its not ssafe to go in btu she goes in anywary andf sees him risding it

he sez he asked the horse and i guess hes tarzan now and his people were horesemen who were slayed by the romans

she sez shes not roman but a pompeii citizen and not part of them and dont like romes eagle like in germany or america or w/e

he sez his dad would have killed em all which is a very civilized way to do things

she sez if they catch him there the;'yd punicsh him and this guy asks if everythings ok

she climbs on the horse wiuth him and holds his waist and bolts out as a fire thing falls and starts a fire

they go up the mound and its sun coming up soon and the sky is black

wait thats moon light and she sez to tell the guys ity was her idea to come out here and almost kiss

but the gods dont want this and the groudn rumbles and she wants to eb lesft there and he can go awol

he sez he's tell the guards he was brought there her i mean brought hert there by force and they go back but hes arrested

she sez she made him do it and keefer asdks her iwhat she'd do to spare him and she sez shers be greratful like the dead

slave recongizes keefer and keefer has slave whipped 15 x as the people watch and in the real version j=rlked off to it ciz theur euitotrash

the roman who iced slaves mom sez main slave gfights and dies 1st nd princess fgeels bad for getting him the whipo but he didnt make a sound

her homie sez its not her fault but poreeiuncess sez keefer was gonna b0ne her but she left b4 he could

holy weinstein batman

trgheres nothing holy about it olde chime

so in the cell the black guy waters the slaves back to grow new whips and the earth trembles for a bit

black guy sez its da godz and they got a plan and main guy sez he saw the man who iced his fam and the gods spared him for a reason

black guy sez the rtomans took his fam 20 years ago and the god will bring them to him again

main guy sez his name is milo or w/e and black guy sez its artecus or atticus

man, we're an hour in with adds, that didn feel like mich

slavce regent talks with a slave manager to have atticus black guy fight and die instead of being freed and slave manager sends black guy and main slave gfo up

in the good seats, keefer is drinking winfe i mean wine cuz hes ruirtopean and princess sits by him

slave regent sez this seems cr-ppy and its not safe and the guy he talks to sez he'd assume the liability

btw they talk pretty brittish in here, i keep expecting em to go clockweork orange or oliver

so the games begin with saying that keefer beat da celts and he gives thatnsk to his gods and starts it

so main guy and black guy are chained to rocks with others and fight a  buncha romans in armor and shields

main guy sees a different black guy getting it and goers violence jack on em

the balck guy and other chop dowen the pillar they were chained to and it crushes some guys and main slave uses his chain to clothes line guys while riding a horse which dont knock him off until the romans grab and pull it

after a quick fight where he takes out the guy who wanted to end him for ending his brother, main guy gets thsi eagle pile and breaks it then throws the rod at keefer who's minion who iced slave mom counters with a sword slice

keefer summons his snipers and the people chant live but b4 he gives the thuimb, princess gives thumbs up(which actuallyy means end em but the wqriters dont care about historical accuracyy) 

keefer b--cxhes at her anbd sez he's gonna break her and hmake her his property and keefer has her sent off to the villa

then keefer sez the slave is the pompeii champion who will fight the roman one and the slave regent is carried outta town by his slaves on a cart with handles like a 4 man wheelless rickshaw

princess is sent to this room and locked in and guy who iced main guys fam faces slave

after main guys sword and shiled cr=-p out and lkiller has him at knife pojnt, he gets himanothe rtsowrn but its full and gives em a good show

they fight and this is like WWF in the Bibler Days and the earth shakes and keefer sez to end main guy now but the mountain bursts with black smnoke

so the staduuim crumbles anbd main guy and killer get in the slave cells where main guy pulls a level and opens all the cages, as they totally had that in the frteekin greco roman times!

killer gets away and locks the slaves in and the other guy gets beat or bn0ned dead by  slaves

princess mom trinity ses to her man to ice keefer and he treiews but keefer gets up and outmuscles him and shanks him then leaves em to die as terinity is mortally wounded again

keefer gos to tyhe harbor and slave regent gets to the harbor and pays his way on and this is really ripping off titanic

so main guy and black guy see the sky blacken ovbetr with dust like its f--kin hiroshima and he finds trinity biting it and telling him to save the princess in the villa b4 biting it

so then fireballs coem from the mountain and its like armegeddon with bruce wiullis and maIN GUY AND BLACK GUY Asay the';;ll meet AT THE HARBOR AND HE GOES TO SAVER THE RPIUCNESS

princess homie trues to dave her but the  house starts cr-pping out and caves in

main guy gets there and sees her out and carrys her offand give her water and shes glad he came back for hert

she drinks what is probably filled with volcanis dust water and half ther area sinks into the water and takes the homie with it

dont worry, shes gonan be ok, the curresnt took her to a hiospotial plasnet

keanu or keefer or w/e sees the crowd is too much to get through so eh chops hsi way through em

slave regent's boat egts nailed by a metero or w/e and it seems this is the end for cybertron

theres a big shockwave and ther boats turn over and i think the water lewaves and trap emthen theres a tidal wewave

blakc guy runs as i guess he cant swim and this girl falls and is too devolved to stand up and blakc guy saves her

a boat goes down the city street and the water rushes in and gets stopoped by an overpass or w/e and the balck guy and the ret-rded girl escape

then rocks start falling and taking people out and main guy and princess hide in a stone housen  as she thinks its the end of tyhe world and wonders why the gods let it happen

havre you rread of the gods?! the greeko roman ones went off turning into variuous tjhings and b0ningf humans and animals!

they cursed people for small things and destroyed nations!

they dont care about you! they're godds! they arte as far beyond us as wre are paast bugs!

thery meet up with blakc guy and see the harbor is f'd and its too far to go on foot and they go to the arena to get hroses

she sees her rewnts busted place and black guy goes to get the horses and she goes toi her rents bodies

she says "i wish, we could have maed lopve, just once" and takes a bite outta each

jk really someone comes behind her and in the slkkave pit the blacvk guy grabs main guy and warns em of rtomans everywhere

they sneak around like metal gear and keefer chains chick to this thing to go to rome

but main guy and blakc guy comne sout and keefer offers 1000 denari to the man who end him, even though its tyhe f--kin apocalypse and money is useless

main guy and blakc guy easily slice through the roman soldfiers like X and Zero in Mega Man and black guy goes to face the killer as main guy goes to sqvr the princess

this feels like a c-clk sucking video game

so keefer rides out in a 4 black horse chariot like f--kin ben hurr and blakc guy swordfight killer

main guy chaes 4 horse powreetr wiht princess 1 white horse poert and princess pulls off some wood from the chariot

killer shanks blakc guy and blakc guy brweaks the blade off in him and overpowers him to take killer with him to h e double england with a neck shot

i knew the blakc guy would sacrifice himself to save the white virgin couple, juyst like jason X

so keefer hits princess and spazzes otu and crashes and falls out and maiun guy gets there and swoirdfights

they fight and keerfer is like 40 years oldffer than main guy ceuz he was a high rank roman when main guy milos secret castle was a kid and main guy shanks his arm as a metero hits near em

keefer goes to princess and main guy jumps liek 30 feet andf fighhts until he has keefer handfcuffed to the wall to die

keerfer b--ches and main guy sez his gods are comming for keefer and leaves hjim to die

then the fire from the volcano goes over em and kills keefer by muffifying him in volcvcanic duist which is worse than just shanking him and ending him cuz it takes a bit to fully die from it

the blakc guy sez some speech about dying a free man and dies the same way that keefer did even though hes a good guy

the white virgin couple sees the horse cant carry em both cuz its a cr-pmobile and they let it run free and smooch as the fire dust consumes them

and then we see the cgi statues of them mummifued and solidified in volcano cr-p and credits

everybody dies

the end

that was actually not too bad

its a disaster film and love story kinda like that Osamu Tezuka Buddha story or Phoenix or w/e

its giot a bit of that Go Nagai thing where everyone dies hoirrible

the effects were kinda obvious but worked

not really any swearing i recall, only some violence in gladiator style

i thought it was prpetty good, not the best thing ever like transfortmers the movie or bierth of a nation or sunrise, but it holds up

the acting weas good but the brittish accents in greek times? not sure thats canon

weasn't this on the history channel? i mean at least this actually happened! unlike 2001 and 2012

It goes by at a good pace and doesn't drag but has good flow

For Pompeii 21 I mean 2 I want the cousin of the main chuick from the 1st mvoie findign out and going on an adventure to mt olympus to ask the gods why they did this, also she fights vartious greek yokai along the way and gets a magic armnor to porotect her and after completing the godsd tests, they revive her cousin and slave friend and the black guy, also its an 8 bit plat form game on nes, game boy, sega master syustem and gamne hgear, tg16, atari 78000 and lynx where you play as her and its like castlevania but greek.