The Beast Of Yucca Flats Review

 Note: My computer screen died so I'm reviewing this on a tv with my laptop plugged in and watcxhign off a DVBD on my laptop, so imma spell bad

The Beast Of Yucca Flats

This is my review on The Beast Of Yucca Flats from the distant fduture year (To Bela Lugosi) of 1961 (50 years before the  1st robotech war and 70 beofre battlestars the return of convoy transformers)

Its dirtrectal by Coleman Francis who did nothing i szwq

it stars Tor Johnson from Angels in the Outfield\Plan 9 from Outer Space, Conrad Brooks, who's polish, or el polen zakkemn, fromPlan 9 from Outer Space , and no one else i saw in anything or is on back door wikipedia weho thinks lee harvey oswa;ld iss an assassin but oj is inot a killer

I never saw this but people say its bad

I'm watching this onb a movie box set of public domain dbds with double sided disks and a guide that tells you what is on what

it starts with a chick afetr a shower and a guy strangles her and i think b0nes her corpse

its like shinji from ecangelion after growing up

then title and credits

also its in proper full screen and is in b/w

a narrator sezx this soviet dr escaped the ussr and came to the yucca flats to meet Americans

his name is  josef ji something ski and itys like jojo

hes played by tor jonghson and theres 2 soviet agents after him

a gunfight breaks out and jojo gets in a car and the soviets chase him

As a polish catholic american from ther 80s, i;m pretty sure the sovbiet did bad

So the jojo has data on mans 1st rocket to the moon, and not the fake nasa one lol

so 1 car pulls over and gets behind the other and chases itand thjey get to the yucca flats

jojo walks off as both sides cr-ppily gunfight a few feet from each other

fata55 jojo walks on looking like the kingpin in spider man and the gov guy defending jojo gets it

jojo is hwere a nuke is being tested and hhis briedf case is burning and i think stan lee ripped this off for the hiulk

you kno, in 1 part of the Bible, it says how a nuke affects people with tongues and eyes melting out or w/e

later this car wqwith a chicvk and duide in it stops and big hands ice the guy as he worked on the car

the woman puffs a faeg and never noticed as it was a silent hit and from inside the car, these grey hands strangle her from behind

he can phase shift through matter?

so a decroded and devolved loking jojo picks her up and carries her out but we dont see her face i mean his face full

he carries her off to probably b0ne and well, to be fair, he IS a soviet, look what they did to german women in the 40s!

later a mexicany looking dude finds the chicks car andlater a car drives to town

narrator calls him deasert patrol and weait i think its mexico calling desert patrol to check the car and the body

so desert patrol comes by the car and gets his gun and turns off the lights

he chex it out and narrator sez hes joe dobson and finds the body a purse and footprints to the wZsteland

he drives off and leaves the body to be eaten by critters and devolved tor jojocarries the chciks body

doobson goes to this guy jims place and hes got a blonde in his bed he b0ned

jim os joes partner and not in bed but on the force and was in korea

this narrator feels like title cards in a silent movie

jojo gets the body in a cave and i think b0nes it and this is a lot like plan 9 with him beign a normal guy who got no libnes being devolved into a monster

so jim and joe comes out and search the yucca flats and jojo gors off with a stick

joe and jim go on clifs to find the cave and the narrator sasy a lot of the action like beign 1000 feert up and describing the devolved jojo

so they find thre smokcer chickand somehow shes still alive and somehow carry her back but i think she bit it

so word is out of something in ther yucca flats and thre people are worried like the media wants em to be

later this fam, the rtadclifs, liek harry harambe potter. comes by and has 2 kids who feeds sodapop to pigs, and not the ponyboy brother from the outsidcers

the dad gets the car gassed up and they saw pigs and a coyote and they leave

jo its daylouight and sunny and hot and jin and joe are in the yucca flats and looking for whats icing people and have guns, unlike the destination truth guys or 2001 a space odyssey guys

the dramatic music sounds like the cape feare msuic from the simpsons and wwhile driving the radcliffes car f--ked out

jim and joe are gonna parachute FROM AN AIRE CRAFTE AND WAIT I THINK ITS JUST JIM AND TRY TO GET THE KILLER

the radclifes cant find their boys and the mom looks like a nerd

now we're ghopnna get michael cxera as harry  potter!

maybe the kid from hoem alone

so after many scenes of the aire crafte going around and dad looking for his boys and not his gon-ds, we see the kidfs i thinkand dad gores over a wire fence

he sees a sign sauying its a missile range and eventually joijo shows up and i think he wants to ice and b0ne the kids like hes a school teacher

moustache jim sees jojo in his hsi aero plaine and opens fire with a rile w/o any wind on him despite moving aty hgih speeds and leaning out the window

wait i think hes firing on the dadwho rtuns

j fk time!

unless he'sgolgo 134, i doubt he can sniper a guy from a MOVING AIRE CRAFTE!

but holy cr-p one iof his shots got lucky and he harambe'd the guy!

so he parachutes down and i thinkdad survived and played robopossum and escaped

mom, is wandering around and looks like a nerd and dad gets back and drives off leaving his wife and kids bejind to be eaten by sasquatch

jim and joe reunite and drink i think moonshine and the boys walk to the roadand wait its mom who was at the road and the boys are llost

the lost boys, by joel sodomazinger

so da boyz make it to water thats probably irriadated and drink from it

the jojo is near em i think, its not clearly edited and the boys sit uncer a tree that seems like the frankenstein scener with the girl

so the jojo finds em and devolvedly moans and the boysn  run

was the nuke a muissile full of flu shots??

so the boys are in a cave and eventuallyu the jojo comes in and acts like hes ret-rdedbefore going out and throws a rock an spazzes out

he misses his woman body he b0ned and probably is hard right now and wants to jam it in something

he lays on the ground and i think goes to sleep anmd was proibably h-mping the gorund in the real vdrsion

i think the boys get out maybe, i wasnt looking and some neighbors were brought into the yucca flats to help

k now the boys sneak oout and the jojo wakes up and throws rocks like some kind of ape or sasquatch and the boys casually escape

so jojo is chasing the bopys and jim and joe see him and put 1 in the back like yamcha in drtadon ball evilotion

i think hesd buity it and you'd think the nucular thing would make him able to take more damage

bimmy and jimmy find the body and he wakes up as i guess he had an extrta guy and throws emn aroiund and i think strangles jim

eventually jim figths back and joe puts a ferw more bullets in jojo to save the jim

dont worry, hes out cold, he;''s gonna be ok, he just needs some rest,i can see his parachutes, hes safde

so tyhe guys walk off and jojo moves but i think was turning over in his open grave

mom sees a jack rabbit and not a jackalope or jack a55 and the boys somehow find their way to her

the rabbit eats some of jojo and he grabs it and i think kisses it but bites it again and the rabbit goes off

the end

that wasnt so bad

yeah its got a lot of aimless wandering around and stuff plain dont add up at tuimes

but its not boring and its not so long,m, only under an hour or sop

uts somewhat creative aND tor does a decent job as a devolved soviet

its a warnin of the dangers of progress and how the best of us can be ruined by science gone wrong

i didnt hate it, its kinda tough to tell if someone is near or far as the the scenes werws shot in different areas and therte's no connection

but it did an ok job with it and its a fine 50s style atomic age horror fgilm

sorta like frankenstein or der golem or w/..e

for The Beast Of Yucca Flats II I want the area to be sealed off in an eenergy done that keeps the monster inside, but its revealed that the sceienct who left the soviets was actually a double agent and volunteered to go there to be nuked to devolve with an agent in his body to become a mutant and attack america from within,  so a reasl soviet escapee gets to america and tells em of it and how the sceintist is gonna have a mutatuon soon that will make him too strong to stop and he has the cure, the gov dont believe him and when the jojo in the 1st movuie devolves further from the element in his having a half life reached, he becomes a gelatinous mass of mone filled tendrills that makes it through the barrier and melts people into brown compost with a touch, and the only one who can save america, is the guy who left the sovciets and has the element counter implanted in him. also its an 8 bit sega master system, game gearr, nes, game boym, tg16 ateari lynx and 7800 game where you play asd the escpee and gotta get out of the jail and make your way to the mlnster and use a plasma canmnon built into youir arm by the Polish underground to take on the jojo mush, aslo its kind of a point and click thing like that game gear phantasy star thin=g..