Monday, February 13, 2017

Jaws Review

note; spelling is am an of on bad or grammer
this is my review on jaws
its from stevin speALBURG
its based on the true story of the early 20th century where a shark ate a buncha people
its got rob Schneider I mean roy scheider and Richard dreyfuss
wtf, this was based on  a book
but the book was based on a true story
tcm calls this TV MA
BUt in theatres it was PG
aw gross
its effing wide screen!
find da cure!
it starts with a camera going through the water and the jaes theme
the teens at a beach thing at night
I assume they were b0ning in the real version
the teens drink beer
I assume they were doing chronic in the real version
it got lighter when the camera moved out from the party
I thought this was night
so this blode bimbo goes swimming with a guy she wants to b0ne
but something is under her
she gets iced
oh and the guy never made it to da water
I think he OD'ed
hes lucky the tide didn't come in and eat him
then some adults wake up
they jokingly talk like either boston or jersey people
that's racist
the main guy gets a call and goes to work
wtf they are at amity island
is dat where the ville horror happened?
at the beach they find a chick being eaten by crabs
we only see her arm and the crabs swarming her
imagine if someone catches and eats those crabs
full circle
the main guy wans to close the beach but its never been done b4
he keeps getting pestered by minor problems like karate kids breaking a wood fence
if they break his fence, he should break them!
the main guy goes to the beach to stop boy scouts from swimming in it for their swimming badges
but the head of the town sez money is more important than lives((pro choice argument)looks like he's liberal) and wont let him close da beach
the main guy sees a girl scrang but shes just having fun
a geezer sez the main guy never goes in da water
maybe he has rabies
then the jaws theme plays and the shark eats a little c-ck sucker
everyone swarms outta the water
but the mom notices her kid bit it
see you in h-ll son
the people put up a reward for the shark assassination
you could buy 600 yugioh packs for dat
then a inbred looking guy sez hes gonna wack it
he talks like the gy frm pet semetary
he sez he'd do it for 10 000$
the town leaders say they'll get back to him
the main guy researches sharks and sez some can live for 2000 - 3000 years
main guy wants his son out of the boat on the water
the wife sez no but after seeing an illustration of a shark attacing a boat, gets him out
main guy looks through pictures of sharks and their victims
shows someones leg ripped open
also a megalodon mouth with people in it
if it was a megalodon you'd know
some guy try to get the shark but it nearly gets em
or does it?
was the ahark even there?
later more guys wanna shark hunt and the main guy sez; ur doing it wrong!
a specielist meets with the main guy
he checks the body from the movie start and sez its cut in 2 and missing its guts and limbs
we don't see it except the arm
he gets p-ssed at main guy for not doing enuff after the attack
the buncha guys hunting catch a small shark amnd everyone thinks its over
but the specialist sez its probably not the one
he wants to check its digestive system but the mayor sez no
he don't want the crowd to see the boy who got eaten spill out over the dock
the eaten kids mom is p-ssed at the main guy for not doing enuff and blames him for her kid getting eaten
later the speciwelist has dinner with main guy and his woman
he was nearly eaten as a youth or something
now he studies sharks
he plans on going somewhere for some reason
they talk about sharks and their habits
then  the specielist cuts open the caught shark
imagine if he had a fish fetish and b0ned dead fish
he pulls out meta from it and struggles to breathe from the stink
they go out on the water to find the real killer
on the water its revealed the specielist is rich and bought the boat himself
its full of high tech 70s science cr-p
they find a guys boat
the specelist goes under water to check out the boat cuz hes metal
thi reminds me o the gater fetish guy from lake placid 1
thinks the monster wont ice him if he respects it
in the water he finds a body
the next day the say a great white is there and will stay al long as theres food
that's racist!
they wanna close the beach but the myor don't consent
the mayor whines about a sign having a shark fid drawn on near a bikini chick on the water
this mayor sounds liberal
complaining about minor cr-p and ignoring REAL problems
the specialist sez he cant go to australia as hes dealing with a shark now
also some kids play an arcade game about shooting sharks
the mayor has a guy go in the water with his fam to get more people in the water
more people go
in da water they see a shark fin
everyone freaks the f out
1 dumba55 chick just stands in the water screaming
but its just kids in scuba suits with a fake fin
that's pretty f'd up
they nearly shredded those kids with gunfire
maybe they should've
that would show those c-ck suckers!
in h-ll!
then they see a real shark
and it eats a guy
we see his leg fall in da water
they otta get some kung fu guy to face it
he can use his Ki to mess with its electrical senses
oh and another kid bits it
wait, hes ok
the mayor sez he was acting in the owns bet interest
I think hes working with the shark
giving it bodies in exchange for some power
maybe the shark ate his rivals
the mayor pays to fun the inbred guy, specialist and main guy to hunt
the inbred guy don't think high of the specialist
on the water the specialist goes mental over a guy nearly doing something with a can of compressed air
it could blow them apart
remember in riki-oh where the warden hit the guy with a bullet full of super compressed air?
he inflated like a balloon and blew apart into bacon bits
I love that s its stupid and awesome
I love da 80s
that live action riki-oh movie was boss
blicketee black
the inbred guy gets a catch on his fishing line
he gives orders to the other guys
this could be a good video game
he speciaelist thinks its not a shark
but it bites through the line
this reminds me of spock and McCoy how ones more human and ones logical
the inbred guy is McCoy
the speciaelist is spock
as main guy shovel chum the shark shows up and is big
main guy sez they're gonna need a bigger boat
but in the 1800s hey hunted whales in smaller ones
the shark goes by em and its 25 feet long and  tons
lol the boat is called da ORCA
inbred guy shoots the shark with a spar guy linked to floating things
it goes under
at night they show eachother scars from previous encounters
inbred guy sez in ww2 he was on a Japanese mission and his thing went down
the sharks got em and they wernt saved as the thing was secret ad no help signal was sent
his story goes on for a while
they hear whale sounds
but I think its some other monster
then something busts up the boat from outside
they go out and see the shark
the next day they find the floating thing
ad the shark attacks
the main guy tries to radio for help but the inbred guy busts the radio
inbred guy shoots it with another floating thing connector harpoon
they chase the shark and it turns and fights em
they open fire
it took 87 bullet to bring down a berserk elephant in Hawaii
they tie the floaters on the boat and the rope nearly cuts off the specielists legs
but he gets out
imagine if it broke his parts
the boat starts effing out
its bustin and water is getting in
they decide to send the specialist In a cage to inject the shark with liquid aids or something
the cage don't work and the guy escapes into he ocean floor
they try pulling the cage up but it breaks
the boat starts going under and the shark bits the inbred guy in 2
then eats him
the shark attacks the inside of the boat ad eats an air tank
main guy gets to the top of the boat and shanks the sharks face with a spear
shark chews the tank and main guy snipers it and shark blows apart
its chunk sinks amid blood pouring out
then specialist comes in AFTER the fight is over (like Vaiya I M D GEIST) and laughs with the main guy
they go back to the town on a raft made of remains of the boat and floaters
the end
that was pretty good
the kid who got eaten was Jeffery Voorhees
j Voorhees bit it in the water and they didn't find a body
for jaws2 i'd like for sea demons to capture the main guy and specialist for killing the shark and put them on trial in atlantis. turns out, the shark they killed was innocent and only fighting back in self defense and the real kiler was a mosasaur who went rogue and the shark was trying to stop it as a atlantis cop. the specialist is fully tuned inside out but kept alive as a twisted mess as punishment and the main guy gets away and tries to warn the people of the mosasaur on the loose. but no one believes him and more people are eaten. oh ad inbred guy is back after being saved by sea demons and rebuilt with ancient sea demon tech as a cyborge under thei control.

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