Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Titanic Review

note; this movi is like 6 hours so theres gonna be typoes(oh and the review kinda goes on forever(like the movie))
this s my review on titanic
I only really saw it 1x b4 and dat was in da 90z
I didn't care for it
also, its like 2 vhs tapes for 1 4 hour movie
I can hold 6 hours of power rangers eps on 1 vhs in slp/ep
theres no need for it to have 2 vhs tapes
f quality
I don't care if its 240p
high def is pointless
At least on vhs its fullscreen
no awful black bars
i'm watching this on amc btw
they cut the swear words and nude scenes
btw the geezer in here was the blonde chick in the old dark house and invisible man and GROSS!
she was a commie!
I checked her wiki page
the film starts with footage trying to look like da 1910s of da titanic
then some underwater spaceship going at the sea for and finding the titanic
whats with james camerons obsession with this disaster
on myth busters he said; heres a game I like to play, if I'm captain, how many people can I save?
that's some serial killer cr-p
in an alternate reality; james cameron is an aquaman villain who sinks boats due to his obsession with the titanic
its not some romantic event
1500+ people bit it
this is like those chicks who fall in love with serial killers
the water team probes the titanic
these people are sick
they wanna look under a bed
this is how naecrophilia starts
they graverob a metal box and bring it up
inside is soggy cr-p
they wanted a diamond
btw this is widescreen
one soggy cr-p they got from it is a drawing of a blonde
meanwhile, this geezer watches tv and sees the drawing
she calls em and tells em shes the drawn woman
they bring her over and say she was 17 on the titanic
turns out the diamond was stolen from (as jerry Seinfeld would say) some gay French king(lewy) and cut into a heart shape later
the geezer was wearing it the day the totanic sank
they show her the cr-p they got from her room
thy show her cgi of how the totanic sak
that might f her up
wanna show some 80s films to a viet nam vet too?
she looks at underwater footage of the ttanic and has flashbacks and freaks out
she keeps saying its been 84 years
but that was only true in 96
and this came out in 97
then she tells her story and we get a flash back to b4 ww1
warn Austria!
we can save franz Ferdinand!
nuke the serbs!
young geezer and her mom arrive to board
so many innocent people
spoiler; most of em wont survive the week
geezer narrates how she didn't wanna go on it as its taking her back to America where she don't wanna be
she calls it a "slave ship"
but shes from the 1800s
she may have known slaves
then Leonardo decaprio plays cards and wins tickets to the titanic
the poles or w/e hes playing are p-ssed
like the malcontents when trump won
noo! we don't get what we think is good!
you c-ck suckers dodged a bullet!
its like bratty teens who got a sega genesis instead of an Atari jaguar and are whining saying "but the genesis isn't 64 bit!!"
they leave on titanic
btw theres a lot of kids on here
you sick c-ck sucker james Cameron!
real people died
and you make a romance about it
like Michael bay
making a romance movie about pearl harbor
what next? a nine 11 romance?
maybe something about gacy?
to be fair, the new birth of a nation is about a mass murderer as the good guy
and don bluth did Anastasia
f it!
stop making happy movies about horrible things!
and ed gein the musical was more of a comedy
the next day I think, the captain sez to go full speed
we get a long thing of how the speed up works
leo sees dolphins outrunning the titanis
run those butt holes over!
also; I dreamed about watching dolphons from above just b4 watching this
leo sez hes "king of da world"
he thinks hes hot sh-t
a hot steam load
at dinner the young geezer smokes
when talking with the namer of titanic she sez to read dr freud and his views on men and size
she sed he has small parts!
at least he has parts!
women dont!
leo notices young geezer and gets a b0ner
later geezer narrates how he sees her life as endless richness and its bad to her
at night the young geezer runs to the end of the boat and might jump
but we know she don't
shes alive now telling the story
also if she did suicide it would mean she killed her future kids and grand kids
why's she so mental?
did someone just b0ne her?
leo talks with her saying hes gonna jump in after her if she jumps
also the water is cold
he sez in his home country is Wisconsin they have cold winters
he goes on about falling through ice and how awful cold water is
as she climbs up she slips and he saves her a55
when the crew arrives they see her on the ground and him on top of her
but they both are clothed
if he was b0ning her theyd be nude
her fiancée is gonna b0ne leo dead for it
but she sez she slipped looking at the propellers and he saved her
her fiancée sounds like a black guy
we're 1 hour in
6 to go
they invite leo to dinner
the fiancee gives her the diamond
leo tells his backstory to young geezer
lol his name is dawson
like dawsons creek
I never saw dat show
but I knew of it
she tells leo her 1st world problems and how she dislikes her fiancée
she refuses to answer if she loves her fiancée
they have a fruity minor fight
she sees his drawings and likes em
some are kinda pedo
some are nude
he sez this 1 girl had great hands
but was a 1 legged h00ker
he has a hand fetish
after hours of talking, she wants leo to teach her to be like a man
he shows her how to spit
she s-cked at it
then her mom comes by
this is like in Seinfeld where the George was eating out of the trash or wiping off a guys windshield with newspaper
this redneck lady gives leo a suit
I assume they b0ned b4 getting into it
they have dinner
she tells the leo who everyone is
the rich are d-cks to him but he makes nice
this is racist against the rich
but they grow to like him
wait til they find out he thinks global warming is real
they men go to smoke and leo gives her a note b4 leaving
she meets him afterward and go to a party with the poors
turns out she can dance
she drinks root beer a lot and someone spills it on her
she stands on her tippy toes
that's like kung fu
I went to get my spaghetti and as I was getting it I saw the fiancée getting p-ssed at someone
the mom sez the young geezer cant see the leo anymore
turns out the geezer fam is outta cash and needs to marry into some
my grampa came to soviet Canada after the war with nothing
he worked hard and brought his wife and son over from Slovenia, bought a farm, had a buncha kids, and his kids went on to be successful
but this a55 hole cant go back to being normal
later leo tries to get into the rich area but is turned away
the next day, leo jacks a hat and jacket
the young geezer notices theres not enough life boats for everyone
leo sees her and she claims she loves the fiancée
leo sez its not a good thing for her to do
she goes back
at lunch she sees a little girl taught manners
then she goes to see leo
he has her close her eyes, stand on the front of a boat and spread her arms like a cross
she thinks she's flying
them in the front of the boat and the wind reminds me of that greta garbo film I reviewed
then they make out
back in the 90s the geezer sez that's the last time titanic saw the sun
we're 2 hours in!
this takes forever to get through
the crew whines about how the captain was going too fast and ignored the ice warning
back in the 10s young geezer and leo go to a room to have him draw her nude
she wears the diamond
she gets nude and leo gets a b0ner
he draws her on the couch after posing her
on the tv version we never see her t-ts
I bet they aint that big
if leo was most guy's he'd draw her b00bs extra large
we see a drawn nipple
that's too much for youtube
btw, shes 17
legally the same as a 9 year old
leos a child mo les ter
after he draws a nude 17 year old(which is against the law in Canada and some parts of America) she sez she didn't b0ne him
also the fiancée is looking for her
he finds em but they escape down an elevator
he follows but they escape in the boiler room
they escape to a car In the boiler room and b0ne all sweaty and greasy
the fiancée finds a note from the geezer young and a drawing of her nude
leo and her go up and say when the ship lands, shes going with him
also 2 guys watch them from above
they then notice the iceburg
they try turning and try making look like somethings gonna happen
but we KNOW what happens
thee was a cgi thing of it 3 hours ago
they hit it and it opens a hole in da boat
water gets in and they try sealing the areas and workers try to escape b4 it seals
fiancée catches her and searches leo
his jacket isn't even his and they think he jacked the diamond
the captain and crew realize they're going down
they expect it'll take 1-2 hours
that's like 1/rd as long as this film!
here is where the film should've started
the rest was filler
in batman returns on sega genesis; the game starts with the penguin icing the ice queen
meanwhile the fiancée is slappng the young geezer and a minion comes in saying; captain sez put on ur life vests
theres 2200 people on board
over 1500 bite it
I otta make a film about ted bundy and start with the 1st 75% of the film being about his neighbors being romantic and in love, then the last act is them getting eaten and b0ned by him
leo is handcuffed to a pipe in the basement
captain hears the next help arrives in 4 hours
they put the women and kids in boats 1st
but they need men to make money for da fam!
otherwise the kids and moms might have to be prostitutues
some rich guy slugs leo in the gut for his fiancée boss
eat that u candy a55!
imagine if he was b0ning him in the real version
at the life boats the mom goes on but the young geezer books it and goes back for leo
he forces a guy to take her down an elevator but he freaks out when theres water there
she goes to save him and sez she knew he didn't take it
she runs out to get help but theres no one left
she gets an axe and upon returning, the water is higher
she gets to him and he hs her practice on a desk
she chopps the handcuffs open and they leave
why not chop through the pipe?
the fiancée sez they aint letting men on and goes off
the crew are only putting 20 people into a 60 man life boat
fiancée gets cash and his rich guy homie who slugged leo has a gun
the crew is holding the men inside the boat to sink so leo gets a bench and rams the door
this seems to be what feminists want
also his homie from the poker game is back after j-rkin off in the closet the whole movie
fiancée and rich guy are gonna leave but they hear the young geezer and leo are at another boat
she gets on 1 boat and fiancé sez he and leo are going on another boat
after she leaves he sez to leo he has a way off but leo wont get it
she jumps off the boat and runs back to leo
they make out
in slo mo, fiancée pulls his rich guys gun and goes after leo and her
he wants to send em to h-ll himself
but he wastes his bullets
they get away and he realizes he put the diamond in the coat
and the coat on her
in the ship they find a wiener kid whining
they grab him and run
they find his dad and he runs
then a wall busts and water wets em
WELL that kid bit it
they get trapped behind a grate
but a guy helps em
but he drops the keys and books it
ahh! all these flashing lights
its like a seizure machine
they get out
fiancée gets his cash he bribed the guy with thrown back at him
your money cant save u anymore than it can save me
the poker buddy gets capped and someone else too
fiancée grab a kid and sez hes all she say so he gets on a lifeboat
the band stops playing and says bye
see you in h-ll wally
one guy plays and the others return
as they lay we see people in the boat waiting to sink
this is f'd up
the ship FINALLY starts going under
its about effing time!
I mean yeah the 10 commandments was a bit longer
but that took place over 120 years
I thought the captian blew his brains out
he didn't in here
the a55 end of the boat goes straight up and the young geezer realizes this is where they 1st met
the end of the circle
the boat breaks in 2 and falls
I remember getting a 3d puzzle of the titanic in da 90s
it came with a 2d puzzle of the ocean
no landmarks or animals
just waves
my bro finished it
the boat goes straight up again for some reason and starts going under
leo sez its gonna suck em under so take and deep breath
under water she loses him and floats up
I held my breath the hole time they were under water
its down!
end this sucker!
its kinda f'd how erich von stroheims epic masterpiece GREED was cut from 10 hours to 4 hours to 2 hours and lost its goodness
but this cr-p goes on forever
le and her find a wood piece and she gets on but it cant old both
so he stays in da water and she is on his wood
the confederate lady wants them in the boat to go back but the rest don't as the people will pull em under
she whines but the brit puts her in her place
eat it b--ch!
one boat decides to put its women and kids into another boat and go back
later leo is frozen like jack Nicholson in the shining
leo tells her that she's got a future and is gonna grow up to be a geezer
hes psychic
maybe hes got other powers
we get a forced tacked on moment to make us feel for these 2 c-ck suckers while hundreds of people have bit it too
later boats comes and they find no survivors
she wakes up and leo is frozen solid
use fire punch to thaw him out
she tries to call to the boat but cant talk
she snaps leo off and sez she wont let go
then dumps his frozen a55 into da ocean
wtf he sinks
but bodies and ice float
she otta say; see you I h-ll Leonardo decapreeo
she uses a whistle and they get her
back in 96 the geezer sez out of 20 boats, 1 came back and only 6 survived the water
for hours thy had nothing to do in da boats but wait
you sure you don't wanna film em in the boats for 6 hours j-rkin off?
this movie is already 4.25 hours in
what more would -9 extra hurt?
after getting saved the fiamcee survived
but she hides from him
she sed he married and was hit by the crash of 29 and ate his gun
geezer sez she never told anyone about leo until now
theres no info on leo
she sez he exists only in her memory
that's ripped off of mad mad 2 the road warrior btw
the gy who opened the save 5 hours ago whines about never getting the diamond and wasting 3years on this
then the geezer stands on the rails and drops the diamond in the water
effing dumba55
at night she is in bed and we see 20s photos of her life
she dreams of going back to the titanic and its refreshed again
and she sees all those people who bit it 80 years ago
the end
that was an ordeal!
too long!
its well made but kina hokey and forced
but its just too long
ooh, david warner was the rich guy with da gun
Kathy bates was the confederate lady
gag me with a spoon
for titanic 2 i'd like for the jewel she dropped to reach the titanic and revive Leonardo. he returns all corpsey and eaten and finds the geezer and is grossed out. but they b0ne anyway. also its revealed that the fiancée didn't suicide but got into the black arts and is able to stay young by eating babies and the jewel is what ne needs for a ritual to gain full black powers.

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