Monday, February 6, 2017

Cool Hand Luke Review

note; my typoes make it better
cool hand luke
this is my review on cool hand luke
its got paul newman from the spaghetti sauce jars
hes polish(like me)
it starts with paul getting pinched for a crime
then as the credits roll we see a chain gang
they need permission to take off their clothes or wipe sweat off
it builds discipline
if they had discipline they wouldn't be here in the 1st place
they read the list of crimes and newman got drunk and cut down parking meters
he was in the war and got medals
but stayed a buck private
btw this is super widescreen
like half the screen is black bars
btw I never saw this b4 so this is a new experience 4 me
the inmates get a list of rules
breaking them gives em a night in the box
1 rule; no b0ning
no fighting(except on Saturday)
btw this takes place in a confederate state
the new meat is given cr-p for being green
1 guy is called tramp as his prison name
like Charlie chaplain? or Madonna?
newman turns down a card game
the next day the inmates are getting sent to ditch work on a hot day
1 guy wants to pay another guy to do his work
it works!
later the guy who sold his job still has to work
big gov interfering on private enterprise!
what is this? soviet Canada?
as they work the sun starts coming up
1 guy who I guess blacked out is put in the truck
they should've put him  in an over and cooked him for the prisoners to eat!
then they eat what looks like beans and butter
like; a whole chunk of bought it
the guard caps a bird in the air
nowadays they'd twist this to look like he's evil for it
its just a bird
people eat birds
h-ll, spiders eat birds
those big a55 spiders from the rainforest
later a naked pan starts putting on a robe and he is locked into an outhouse looking thing
better known as
EVERYONE SEZ newman is a war hero
the inmates say the outhouse guy is there for back sassing a superior officer
sounds like typical military protocol
btw I think the guy from naked gun is in this
the guy who got beat up when he fought that guy for "beating up a cripple" in naked gun 2
the guys see a curvy blonde washing a car and lust after her
and se's only wearing a loose shirt
if this was made today it would show them having b0ners
this is like a Minerva mink cartoon from animaniacs
as she washes the car her b00bs press against the window
if this were made today it would make the men look bad for finding her hot
also some guys would be b0ning eachother
later, in bed, the naked gun guy continues to lust after the blonde and talk about it
I think hes trying to arouse the other inmates
I assume this is the movies way of saying they were j-rkin off
cuz thy cant say it normal as its the 60s
the next day, newman boxing fights the naked gun guy
despite being polish, newman is no match for him
imagine if this was a b0ning match and they were b0ning eachother
oh wait, MMA wasn't invented yet
newman get his a55 kicked
he keeps getting up but beat down
eventually he gives out
but keeps trying to fight
hes like a samurai or Mongolian
fighting til the end
naked gun guy walks away as newman staggers around
later newman is playing cards with the guys
as its not yugioh, I don't understand it
naked gun guy gives advice to the opponent
they get in some kind of bidding war
the opponent surrenders but newman was bluffing
naked gun guy calls newman "cool hand luke" and calls him "my boy"
if this was made today they'd be b0ning
later newman meets his mom in a truck
thet smoke and she regrets hoe newman turned out
also newman may have been illegitimate as his dad ditched em
mom sez dad would've beat up newman
maybe they he'd've turned out right if he got his a55 kicked more
his nephew asks why newman don't have chains
he sez they are for punishment
that means he's probably gonnA HAVE chains later
later they work on a road
because of newman the men work really fast
they finish ahead of schedule
later its raining and naked gun guy sez newman can eat anything
newman sez he can eat 50 eggs
they place bets now!
they think he'd burst open
also if he pukes its game over
naked gun guy trains him with belly rubs
he starts eating and we get kind of a montage
if this were made in the 80s we'd get a cool rockin tune
did newman realy eat that many eggs for this scene?
his belly expands like he's pregnant
good thing he polish
we love to eat
polish grandmas be like; eet eet! yuu must eet!
they start helping him eat
force feeding?!
male expansion!?
is this some fetish thing?
he makes it to 50 eggs
he lays on a table with arms out like hes on a cross
well, he is jewish
later they are chain gang working and th guard blows away a rattlesnake
it starts raining and everyone runs inside the truck
newman stay out and eggs on God to ice him
later newman gets a letter and sings a song on a guitar/banjo
later for some reason newman goes to the box
the guard sez sorry but hes doing his job
newman sez it being his job don't make it right
they give him a pot to poop in but no paper
they say newmans mom bit it and he's released
later the inmates dance and newman cuts the floor as the noise covers the sawing
naked gun guy gets the guard to read p0rn0e
a guy tries to escape but is caught and beat
also newman escapes
now he's gotta stay on the lamb forever instead of doing his time and going home
the next day newman is still running
the guards and hounds chase him but a dog gets caught in barb wire
it gets free and the chase goes on
newman jumps off a bridge like rob roy and into a river
later the guards come back with a dead dog
lol the dog's name is blue
like the hermaphrodite in violence jack
an inbred sounding guard cries over a dog
candy a55!
later they bring in newman and chain his legs
the captain sez its for newmans own good
newman talks back and the captain beats his a55
he sez to the inmates he jacked a car in a parking lot and got caught by the cops
later newman goes into the woods to take a big black greasy dump
he has to shake the bush to show he's still there
when he don't the guards shoot at him
when he don't reply after a few shots they check and hes gone
he comes across a black farm and bets some kids they cant axe off his chains
newman rips off part of his pants and has the boy get him chili and curry powder
newman uses the axe to break the chains and sprinkles the spice on his trail
after he books it the dogs come and sneeze at the powder
later the inmates get mail and naked guy guy gets a magazine
it has an image of newman with chicks
later a new inmate asks to se the newman picture
he pays to look at it with a cold drink
how'd he get a cold drink?
and why don't the naked gun guy have it?
the guards bring luke back in
he's all beat up
they probably b0ned him as punishment
they ask him about the picture and he sez its fake
he freaks out and wants to be left
later he's sent to the box
later at dinner everyone eats from his plate
later he has to dig a ditch himself
then they make him fill it
this is like kung fu training
he snaps and grabs a guards legs in a hug
but is beat down
then returns to hole filling
at night he's still filling
why not just shove he dirt from 1 side in?]
work smarter, not harder!
he gets beat again and cant take it
he begs to not be beat anymore
if you cant do the time, don't do the crime
if ja aint got da cash, ur out with da trash!
they say if he runs again he gon get iced
as they bring him in, 1 guy ears up the magazine image of newman
man this movie goes on forever
it could've ended 3-5x by now
its like the buu arc of dbz
later is out on a chain gang thing and pulls out a turtle from a river on a stick
or maybe its someone else
luke car jacks a prion truck
and he took the keys to he other trucks
oh and naked gun guy is with him
he thinks newman faked being busted but newman sez its real and he never planed to run
At night naked gun guy sez they're gonna get a 3rd guy out
but newma goes off on his own
newman goes into an empty place and talks to God about his issues
then the cops show up outside
naked gun guy comes in and sez he got the cops to not ice em if they come in peacefully
sounds fair
he says something mocking to em and they open fire
naked gun guy brings him out but naked gun guy attacks an officer
the cops decide to take newman to the prison hospital an 1 hour away
one guy sez newman wont make it
later naked gun guy sez newman smiled and they took him away the film finally ends with a montage of newman and a zoo in of the magazine
dennis hopper and wayne rogers were in this
the end
that was pretty good
was this based on a true story?
btw, the main reason newman attacked the parking meters was cuz hes drunk
if it wernt for booze he'd have lived well
for cool hand luke 2 i'd like for the naked gun guy to be telling stories of newman being out and away and some big hero. it riles the inmates into a riot and they bust up the place and b0ne the guards dead. the head guard has enough of this and brings in a secret he's kept for years, that luke was kept alive and force fed eggs until he is over 800lbs and used in fetish magazine photos. they bring him in and the inmates don't believe it and get back at this "mockery" of luke by b0ning his fat all over. luke reveals it IS him and the inmates cat take it and start committing seppuku out of the 1st shame they felt in their lives as most are degenerates yet they grew to respect the legend of luke.

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