Pearl Harbor Review

note; my typing s-cked. that's ok. I hear so does this film

pearl harboir

this is my review on pearl harbor

I saw it b4 but didn't really pay attemtion

but team America had a song about it

its got that c-ck sucker ben Affleck

u s-ck ben afflectk!

its by Michael bay

his films s-ck too

it starts with 2 kids playing ww1 in a fake plane

1 of their dads flys a red plane (like the ww1 hero the red baron)

the kids play in his plane and turn it on

they kinda take off

it stops after a bit

lucky for them they don't bite it

later its ww2 and france is getting its a55 kicked

but America isn't joining n

at a air base the kids are teens or something and nearly crash into eachother in planes

is this top gun?

ben gets his a55 busted by commie a55 alec Baldwin

he sez ben is getting sent to candy a55 England to fight in the air force

but America might go in soon

the other kid now teen josh hardnett is malcontent over it

meanwhile, some girls chat about being nurses

at a medical test ben Affleck fails an eye test as he cant really read

is he inbred?

that would explain a lot

he gives a speech about how reading isn't needed to be a pilot

what if he cant read his orders and blows the wrong place?

she passes him

the nurse then gives him a needle in his a55

he asks her to dinner

she stabs his a55 again

he gets woozy as he already had that shot and falls, busting his head on a desk

good thing its empty

later he gets her champain and the cork busts his nose

she puts his head back WHICH YOU SHOULDNT DO AS THE BLOOD GOES DOWN UR THROAT

then they kiss

flash dance back to her telling her homies on a train its been a few weeks and she remeets with ben

he has an origami bird

ironic if u know the story

then they go to a dance

the navy is sending em to pearl harbor

bens gf wants to b0ne him

so they go out in a boat to another boat and make out

after b0ning they go back and he reveals hes going to war

shes unhappy a guy in the military has to go to war for some reason

he tell her to not see him off as saying bye to her 1x is hard enuff

HARD ENUFF?!

PURVURT!

they part with forced sad music

at the train station hes on the train but she shows up

but don't see him

aw f

her name is evelyn

that's my cool 90s aunts name

in gaye olde endlande ben gets a plane from a guy just bit it

in a meeting that cripple commie f dr wants to reduce Americas forces to help the brits and soviets

irving thalburg said they were the bigger threat

a dictator dies, so does the dictatorship

but communism is harder to uproot

not that I support then nazzies

but the commies were worse

-20 is warmer than -50

meanwhile japan wants to go at America as they cut off the oil they were sending to japan

that's bad logic

we want their help so we attack them?

its like protesters trying to damage the cities and economy to make the people they elected pay attention to em

at pearl harbor someone talks about painting b00bs on planes

make em bigger sez 1 guy

are you trying to distract the foe?

good logic

the kunoichi (female ninja) wear skimpy outfits to distract their targets and foes (not a joke)

so mai Shiranui and miko mido were accurate

the admiral gets orders to send more forces away

also they bunch their plans together to make em easier to protect

that don't sound right

meanwhile, japan plans to attack pearl harbor

meanwhile, ben Affleck goes to war and gets shot down

meanwhile, cuba gooding jr boxing fights a guy

as usual, the blacker guy wins

later cuba gets his boxing wounds fixed by evelyn

hes a cook but wanted to go to war and be a man

josh hardnett talks to evelyn about ben affleck going back to h-ll

we're only 45 mins in a 3 hour movie and we get a sad moment

in America; they read Japanese communications but don't believe they are coming

at a movie(the great dictator by Charlie chaplin) they see a news reel and it has planes bustin

josh and evie freak out and leave

he tells her a story of ben Affleck trying to fly on fake wings on his arms

maybe that's how he broke his brain

then again, its not smart to try

kin of a chicken/egg thing

creationism says the chicken came st

at night josh  hardness sees evie to return a hankie

at the base the next day evie comes by and josh hardnett is malcontent over taking ben afflecks woman

he takes her on a plane ride at sun set

at night they return and b0ne

why is there a room full of white sheets in a navy base?

this gov guy sez pearl harbor is gonna get f;d but don't have good enuff evience

his superior sez no as they cant afford it

esp since f dr's new deal failed

just like that other prez's plan to fix the economy

the one after bush

meanwhile (I think) ben Affleck is saved by the frenchies from the water and returns to evie

she goes mental and has issues with this

then josh hardnett comes in and ben rolls a 20 as he somehow figures out they were b0ning

at a bar ben Affleck is ind of an a55

josh sez that ben left them to fight someone elses war and they eventually fight

kick bens candy a55!

imagine if instead of a fight it was a b0ning match and they were b0ning eachother

wait, that's MMA

the cops come and they get away and talk

the next day the Japanese attack and the gov guy gets word

they left out the part of f dr getting word of it but not doing anything as he wanted to go to war and wants America to choose to fight

theres a lot of Michael bay explosions

and the film is only half over

at least it wasn't as drawn out as titanic with over 2 hours of filler b4 getting to the ice burg

btw theres too much cgi

and its pretty cr-ppy

imagine if Michael bay did Hokuto no ken/.fist of the north star?

people exploding into blood and chunks

cuba's captian bites it and he has a quick sad moment

the Japanese planes attack the us planes and bust em

its like that level as eggman in sonic adventure 2 battle

cuba uses a big gun on em

reminds me of advance wars 2 black hole rising on gba

josh hardnett sez; I think ww2 just started

wtf

its been going on in Europe and Asian since the 30s

imagine if in outbreak with dustin Hoffman they had someone say; I think aids just started

then a boat slowly goes down

man this rips off a lot from titanic

but I like this more

a buncha guys are trapped in a sinking ship

in the real story they survived and got out after days in dark

the alleged Japanese planes attack people in da water

meanwhile f dr gets word of the attack and is surprized

way to rewrite history a55 hole

next you'll say Truman wasn't in da klan

evie nurses a guy with an open neck

ben Affleck leads a braveheart like charge with guns but most bite it

they get a few planes in the air and the Japanese planes go after em

I should mention that these japan planes were made by the guy wo the miyazaki movie "the wind rises" was about

I think

they have an air fight like in Robotech

but not as cool

the Japanese say they won and theres no need for a 3rd wave and they withdraw

the base people regroup and take toll of the shredded

then they get word that japan is gonna attack pearl harbor

in japan the guy who attacked directly says he fears this awoke America as a sleeping giant

what did ja think was gonna happen?

they get attacked and do nothing?

this is the 1940s not 2010s!

f dr gives his speech

at least hes willing to say what the attackers are

not calling it workplace violence

f dr wants to attack but they have no safe way to get them there

f dr gives a speech to his men and when hey say it cant be done get tries walking on his dead legs to show it can be done

did that really happen?

also

did f dr's parts work?

evie talks with ben I think about something

I'm not sure

she talks to josh hardnett and sez she loves him

good

dump ben Affleck

hes a candy a55

later its march and alec Baldwin gives a speech

hes gonna train em to do something

we get a montage of them learning to use the new planes

oh they're lightening the planes

alec Baldwin succeedes in doing some plane thing

later they go to attack japan

but as the return boat is going home they gotta go to china

evie uses a soldier she saved to get access to some thing for the attack

also alec badwin is going on the japan attack

is this why he was president of the film actors guild in team America?

then the Japanese are nearing so they attack em to stop em from giving aay their position

even if the planes don't have enuff fuel they choose to launch the planes

they make it off the boat an in da air

F dr gives another speech and the americans attack japan

but japan fights back

i'm acutally watching a review on angel blade as I watch this movie

bens plane runs low on fuel but they make it to land

but its japan territory

after a crash land the Japanese soldiers attack

but josh hardnett saves him and crashes

he eventually bites it in ben afflecks arms like in wings (1927) but not as good

i'd love it I his last words were; see you in h-ll ben Affleck!v ahhhhhhhhhh!(burns)

why didn't ben Affleck get an award for this?

they always give awars to actors playing mentally disabled people

ben returns with jos hardnetts body

we get an epilogue about what happened to the cast after

well, just cuba

also it has an underwater shot of the boat that went down

just like titanic

after the war ben and evie have a kid (probably josh hardnets son) and they fly

the end

wtf on Voight as in this

if he was f dr then the rednecks could b0ne his dead a55

I kinda enjoyed this

yeah ben Affleck s-cked

but its entertaining

for pearl harbor 2 'd like for japan to have taken over Russia and America and ben affleck's son is a disgruntled teen who works for the japan to stop his alleged father from stopping them. also its revealed that hes josh hardnetts son and the son blames ben for his real dad biting it as he bit it saving ben. oh and the son got surgery to turn Japanese and enhance his strength and speed with cybernetics and had built in katana blades in his body. but ben Affleck has eaten josh hardnetts body and gained the total power of 2 men and goes around fighting Japanese supporters with his combined hulking body