Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Pearl Harbor Review

note; my typing s-cked. that's ok. I hear so does this film
pearl harboir
this is my review on pearl harbor
I saw it b4 but didn't really pay attemtion
but team America had a song about it
its got that c-ck sucker ben Affleck
u s-ck ben afflectk!
its by Michael bay
his films s-ck too
it starts with 2 kids playing ww1 in a fake plane
1 of their dads flys a red plane (like the ww1 hero the red baron)
the kids play in his plane and turn it on
they kinda take off
it stops after a bit
lucky for them they don't bite it
later its ww2 and france is getting its a55 kicked
but America isn't joining n
at a air base the kids are teens or something and nearly crash into eachother in planes
is this top gun?
ben gets his a55 busted by commie a55 alec Baldwin
he sez ben is getting sent to candy a55 England to fight in the air force
but America might go in soon
the other kid now teen josh hardnett is malcontent over it
meanwhile, some girls chat about being nurses
at a medical test ben Affleck fails an eye test as he cant really read
is he inbred?
that would explain a lot
he gives a speech about how reading isn't needed to be a pilot
what if he cant read his orders and blows the wrong place?
she passes him
the nurse then gives him a needle in his a55
he asks her to dinner
she stabs his a55 again
he gets woozy as he already had that shot and falls, busting his head on a desk
good thing its empty
later he gets her champain and the cork busts his nose
then they kiss
flash dance back to her telling her homies on a train its been a few weeks and she remeets with ben
he has an origami bird
ironic if u know the story
then they go to a dance
the navy is sending em to pearl harbor
bens gf wants to b0ne him
so they go out in a boat to another boat and make out
after b0ning they go back and he reveals hes going to war
shes unhappy a guy in the military has to go to war for some reason
he tell her to not see him off as saying bye to her 1x is hard enuff
they part with forced sad music
at the train station hes on the train but she shows up
but don't see him
aw f
her name is evelyn
that's my cool 90s aunts name
in gaye olde endlande ben gets a plane from a guy just bit it
in a meeting that cripple commie f dr wants to reduce Americas forces to help the brits and soviets
irving thalburg said they were the bigger threat
a dictator dies, so does the dictatorship
but communism is harder to uproot
not that I support then nazzies
but the commies were worse
-20 is warmer than -50
meanwhile japan wants to go at America as they cut off the oil they were sending to japan
that's bad logic
we want their help so we attack them?
its like protesters trying to damage the cities and economy to make the people they elected pay attention to em
at pearl harbor someone talks about painting b00bs on planes
make em bigger sez 1 guy
are you trying to distract the foe?
good logic
the kunoichi (female ninja) wear skimpy outfits to distract their targets and foes (not a joke)
so mai Shiranui and miko mido were accurate
the admiral gets orders to send more forces away
also they bunch their plans together to make em easier to protect
that don't sound right
meanwhile, japan plans to attack pearl harbor
meanwhile, ben Affleck goes to war and gets shot down
meanwhile, cuba gooding jr boxing fights a guy
as usual, the blacker guy wins
later cuba gets his boxing wounds fixed by evelyn
hes a cook but wanted to go to war and be a man
josh hardnett talks to evelyn about ben affleck going back to h-ll
we're only 45 mins in a 3 hour movie and we get a sad moment
in America; they read Japanese communications but don't believe they are coming
at a movie(the great dictator by Charlie chaplin) they see a news reel and it has planes bustin
josh and evie freak out and leave
he tells her a story of ben Affleck trying to fly on fake wings on his arms
maybe that's how he broke his brain
then again, its not smart to try
kin of a chicken/egg thing
creationism says the chicken came st
at night josh  hardness sees evie to return a hankie
at the base the next day evie comes by and josh hardnett is malcontent over taking ben afflecks woman
he takes her on a plane ride at sun set
at night they return and b0ne
why is there a room full of white sheets in a navy base?
this gov guy sez pearl harbor is gonna get f;d but don't have good enuff evience
his superior sez no as they cant afford it
esp since f dr's new deal failed
just like that other prez's plan to fix the economy
the one after bush
meanwhile (I think) ben Affleck is saved by the frenchies from the water and returns to evie
she goes mental and has issues with this
then josh hardnett comes in and ben rolls a 20 as he somehow figures out they were b0ning
at a bar ben Affleck is ind of an a55
josh sez that ben left them to fight someone elses war and they eventually fight
kick bens candy a55!
imagine if instead of a fight it was a b0ning match and they were b0ning eachother
wait, that's MMA
the cops come and they get away and talk
the next day the Japanese attack and the gov guy gets word
they left out the part of f dr getting word of it but not doing anything as he wanted to go to war and wants America to choose to fight
theres a lot of Michael bay explosions
and the film is only half over
at least it wasn't as drawn out as titanic with over 2 hours of filler b4 getting to the ice burg
btw theres too much cgi
and its pretty cr-ppy
imagine if Michael bay did Hokuto no ken/.fist of the north star?
people exploding into blood and chunks
cuba's captian bites it and he has a quick sad moment
the Japanese planes attack the us planes and bust em
its like that level as eggman in sonic adventure 2 battle
cuba uses a big gun on em
reminds me of advance wars 2 black hole rising on gba
josh hardnett sez; I think ww2 just started
its been going on in Europe and Asian since the 30s
imagine if in outbreak with dustin Hoffman they had someone say; I think aids just started
then a boat slowly goes down
man this rips off a lot from titanic
but I like this more
a buncha guys are trapped in a sinking ship
in the real story they survived and got out after days in dark
the alleged Japanese planes attack people in da water
meanwhile f dr gets word of the attack and is surprized
way to rewrite history a55 hole
next you'll say Truman wasn't in da klan
evie nurses a guy with an open neck
ben Affleck leads a braveheart like charge with guns but most bite it
they get a few planes in the air and the Japanese planes go after em
I should mention that these japan planes were made by the guy wo the miyazaki movie "the wind rises" was about
I think
they have an air fight like in Robotech
but not as cool
the Japanese say they won and theres no need for a 3rd wave and they withdraw
the base people regroup and take toll of the shredded
then they get word that japan is gonna attack pearl harbor
in japan the guy who attacked directly says he fears this awoke America as a sleeping giant
what did ja think was gonna happen?
they get attacked and do nothing?
this is the 1940s not 2010s!
f dr gives his speech
at least hes willing to say what the attackers are
not calling it workplace violence
f dr wants to attack but they have no safe way to get them there
f dr gives a speech to his men and when hey say it cant be done get tries walking on his dead legs to show it can be done
did that really happen?
did f dr's parts work?
evie talks with ben I think about something
I'm not sure
she talks to josh hardnett and sez she loves him
dump ben Affleck
hes a candy a55
later its march and alec Baldwin gives a speech
hes gonna train em to do something
we get a montage of them learning to use the new planes
oh they're lightening the planes
alec Baldwin succeedes in doing some plane thing
later they go to attack japan
but as the return boat is going home they gotta go to china
evie uses a soldier she saved to get access to some thing for the attack
also alec badwin is going on the japan attack
is this why he was president of the film actors guild in team America?
then the Japanese are nearing so they attack em to stop em from giving aay their position
even if the planes don't have enuff fuel they choose to launch the planes
they make it off the boat an in da air
F dr gives another speech and the americans attack japan
but japan fights back
i'm acutally watching a review on angel blade as I watch this movie
bens plane runs low on fuel but they make it to land
but its japan territory
after a crash land the Japanese soldiers attack
but josh hardnett saves him and crashes
he eventually bites it in ben afflecks arms like in wings (1927) but not as good
i'd love it I his last words were; see you in h-ll ben Affleck!v ahhhhhhhhhh!(burns)
why didn't ben Affleck get an award for this?
they always give awars to actors playing mentally disabled people
ben returns with jos hardnetts body
we get an epilogue about what happened to the cast after
well, just cuba
also it has an underwater shot of the boat that went down
just like titanic
after the war ben and evie have a kid (probably josh hardnets son) and they fly
the end
wtf on Voight as in this
if he was f dr then the rednecks could b0ne his dead a55
I kinda enjoyed this
yeah ben Affleck s-cked
but its entertaining
for pearl harbor 2 'd like for japan to have taken over Russia and America and ben affleck's son is a disgruntled teen who works for the japan to stop his alleged father from stopping them. also its revealed that hes josh hardnetts son and the son blames ben for his real dad biting it as he bit it saving ben. oh and the son got surgery to turn Japanese and enhance his strength and speed with cybernetics and had built in katana blades in his body. but ben Affleck has eaten josh hardnetts body and gained the total power of 2 men and goes around fighting Japanese supporters with his combined hulking body

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