Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Double Dragon Review

note; I plaed the games. they were good (except 3). but is da movie? my spelling aint!!
double dragon
this is my review on double drahon from the distant future year of 1994
its based on the 80s game that I beat on sega genesis and Gameboy
on sega I ordered runark aka growl from the soviet union
the label sed runark but the game was DD1
and its in Russian
and its the PAL version
so it ran 20% slower on my NTSC sega
I don't speak Russian but I have experiance in video game menues
so I played and beat it
and it was pretty good
so this film has mark decascos from the crow stairway to heaven
allysia millano from some 80s show
and the t 1000 from terminator 02
according to wikepedia, he's a good Christian
and he was in swat kats and the 90s johnny quest
I liked jq
and he was born nov 05
both guye fawkes day, and the b day of chichi from dbz
so it starts with narration about how long ago, shadow warriors attacked an ancient Chinese city
the king ritual sacrificed himself to make a magic medallion
yet he saw it as too strong so he broke it in 2 and gave each son half of it
I thought he sacrificed himself to make it
you just said it narrator
then we see chimese warriors attacking a vllage in a clean pg way to find the medallion
but the villiagers had their tongues removed
good f man!
I thought the king cares about his people
here he's mutilating them!
so the bad guy follows a villiager into a candle filled cave
he gets the medallion half from a statue on it and opens his high tech briefcase to type something in
I thought this was ancient china
and the bad guy is a blonde haired blue eyed white woman (not sailor venus)
its linda lash, the chick you beat up in the games
then its in new angeles in the distant future year of 2007
2 years after transformers the movie
and 2 years before Robotech season 1 began
and its after a big quake f'd the city
just like violence jack
then the narrator (revealed to be the t2 guy) sez after the sons won, thy hid the medallions to keep em from being sed for evil
then theres a minor quake
t2 sez the quake 7 years ago was something that helped him get bit
and now he has the double dragon
but see he only has 1 of the halfs
good music btw
he hold the half and it makes him have cr-ppy 90s effects on him
then its a kung fu match with marc desacvsos as jimmy lee
1st; in the games, billy had dark hair and jimmy was blonde
2nd; I assume their name is lee like Robert e lee and not the Asian lee
jimmy gets disqualified from the match after falling for taunts by the foes when the ref wasn't looking
so he attacks em
fighting at a kung fu tourney?! meshuggah!!
then we get news and adds wth vanna white
and andy dick is the weatherman that sez theres black rain hat dissolves people
also theres a cerfew
good to see that in the future los angelas is still a cesspool
that's what u get for voting democrat for decades
later billy and jimmy are driving after cerfew in the slums with a chick
they stop to help a chick but its really a guy
its a trap to lure victims in for a gang lead by bo abobo
abbo is a roid rager who can benchpress 800lbs
also billy and jilly have a car computer to tell em gag member stats
they want 50$ to let em go
and accept credit cards
is this a union?
so they book it with their rocket boosted car
abobo follows in his big a55 truck and gets their info from his car pc
the lees throw a map on abobo's windshield so abobo uses a cr-ppy 90s cg program to see em
btw abobo AND his homie laugh and talk like beavis and butthead
then the lees use a car of hairspray or spray cheese or w/e in their rocket booster and crash
but abono gets caught in a tight alley
abobo gets out and is gonna fight em but all these gang members come out behind em
some hidden in grafitti on da wall
ABOBO books it and marion played by allissa Milano is the gang leader in here
she wans em to team up with the lees to stop da other gangs
but they don't consent
then the chick tells e the lees dad was in an excavation of the medallion half they got that collapsed
chick snow looks after em
and the other piece was hidden where no one would find it
this half boost body power and the other half boosts soul power
you mean ki?
and it can turn people into someone as strong as steel
and its the sourse of much destruction
abobo tells t2 about the lees and they have the 2nd half
he hearly got it when wanting the 50$
t2 sez with the amulet, the city will be his
t2 has abobo have super roids against his will
in the news Madonna ditches her newest husband tom Arnold
and vice president jerry brown was in bangledesh
maions at home and the news sez her gang took out a plane
her dad b--ches about em but marion sez the plane might've been filled with drugs
she wears a wig and gang lifestyle from her dad whos a cop
she tries defending her gang but dad wont have it
later bimmy and jimmy are training a team move and t2 comes to their place
chick remembers t2 but he has a new name from then
a Japanese name
wow they got the 2000s right
whites wanting to be Japanese
and using Japanese names for their screen name
he reveals he has 1 medallion half and billy comes in with the other one on his neck
the bros run and chick fights t2
wow t2 slugs a woman
nowadays they queer out and have her defended or superior as they fear feminazies going on gee haad
the lees use 3 ninjas style cr-p to get away
t2 sez when the excavation collapsed he though chick bit it
hes unphased by her attacks and uses the half he has to turn into a shadow and go on the floor
then abobo comes in after the bros looking like a really cr-ppy power rangers guy
this is why u don't do drugs kids
hes like ivan ooze with aids
he makes pooty noises as he moves and thrown bricks bounce of him
chick knocks him away with a punching bag
but shes possessed by t2
imagine if he turned into liquid metal and poured himself in her and expanded her like in dbz with vegito and buu?
the bros lock her in a cage and he shadow runs out and away
why not possess the bro with the half and get it?
wait, he's in the room
he has his men pour gas and torches the place with chick in the cage
they get her out but t2 grabs em
so they slug him away and get out
she locks the bros outside and her in with t2
he slugs her out and teleports out
I know she's trying to catch him in with her to blow both with the place
but she did nothing to stop him
just stood in front of the door with the bros banging on it
and she freekin KNOWS he has the medallion powers
at least in dbgt when the good shadow dragon tried to stop omega shenron there was a chance it could've worked
he didnt know of omega's powers that saved him
the building goes up and the bros are thrown like 10 feet in da air
they are ok
but the chick went to h-ll
I gotta say, this movie has chutzpa actually having the bad guy actually ice someone
most pg movies are too candya55
look at agent cody banks or the master of disguise or the 3 ninjas or home alone or pokemon movies
this is more like the land before time or dragonball evolution
they could've easily said "he's captured" or "sent to another dimension"
here they wasted her
its like batman beyond
and the bad guys feel no same
so t2 wants to get the gangs to get the other half from the bros
even though they are still in the area and he has powers and can easily find and get hem right now
then marions bro is in a vr goggles thing in a cr-ppy roller coaster thing
they predicted that too
when I was in grade school in da 90s
I had an idea for a play about the future
where some kids play on 3d and vr Gameboys.
years later we got both happen in video games
then a buncha mad max rejects in not thunderdome are having a thing
someone wants to unite da gangs
oh its t2
he sez hes in command
and strangles a geezer who defies him in his  shadow mode
btw I think dats a ref to da final boss in double dragon 02 in arcades and sega genesis
holy cr-p I think he just killed that guy
onscreen killing
even the 1990 ninja turtles couldn't have that
the crowd love him now
oh and abobo survived a building going up with him in it
the lee bros (who should be named Robert and Englund) get bummed over the chick biting it
and not telling em about da medallion unto its too late
they argue and reconcile
jmmy figures as they got 8 hours of daylight, they have time til the gangs come out
then they run into gangs and kung fu fight in a junkyard
shouldn't this be a construction site?
just jump kick or elbow sash through em
wtf theres a gang on bikes
not motorbikes
they run and hide in a building a the gangs are busting in
but they find a motorcycle
it breaks
they get out in a boat and knock guys into the water
right after saying the water is deadly to touch
and a guy b4 splashed water on a fire and it burned bigger
then gang members go after em on jet skis
shouldn't they be surfing?
that's ninja turtles and shinobi
1 jet skier fires a missile that lights the cr-ppy l a water on fire
the fire blows a whole area of chemicals
the bros hit a sign and the oat blows
but the bros are safe in the poison water
1 sez if u drink it, u get the runs and ur hair falls
is it radioactive?!
da news sez the river caught fire again
but cops were attacked in daylight by gangs for going to investigate
why s the California news siding with cops being attacked?!
normally they side with thugs, drunk drivers, and killers who the cops try to stop
lol right after I typed dat, the news interviewing the cops side with the gangs
maybe they r misunderstood?
they have rights too
why are you aggravating da gangs?
this movie is accurate
put it on the history channel
and the cop responds b telling the news; theres 23 mins of daylight left
and they all book it
smarter than most reporters
at least these ones know the goons they defend will eat them alive if caught
so t2 flips out over them not finding the half and tells his men to go
and has linda lash to stay
are they gonna b0ne?
the bros wanna beat t2 and go to marion
at marions gang hq, she's force feeding abobo
good f so much fetish
btw how are ropes keeping him held?
he can bust through brick walls!!
so marion is forcefeeding him as torture to get info from him
nowadays that would be seen as bad
also abobo poots and marion locks him up so he has to breathe his own stink
da bros go to the marion hq and they fill eachother in
but she don't believe them about the medallion
billy has e try it at da same time and it does nothing
so they join marion
the gang swarms in t2's building and marion and da bros go in the vents
also shes in cut off jeans and the bros check out her a55
she plans to edit t2's gang info thing to make profits look unfair to cause chaos
that's how liberals try to spread hate in countries
make people fight over wealth and alleged unfairness
bros go off to get the other half
and marions dad is in a meeting with t2
he wants to team up
da bros try to get the half with a metal paper clip thing
and marions dad turns down t2s offer to team up and work for him
t2 gets the half and linda lash sees the paper clip thing and stabs the ceiling with a naginata
the bros and maruon fall out and t2 sees they are alive
linda lash (which sounds like a p0rn0 name) tries to ice em
but dad stops her
2 trix the bros into jumpin down a chute w/ ropes
and marion follows
the t2 with his half activated
the trio find bodies in the la they made abobo and 1 comes to life
dad takes out linda ash by crushing her under a heavy metal thing
the bros take out the guy revived by crushing him with a metal slab and t2 in shadow form shows up
they use a fan to suck him away but nearly get caught in it
btw the chick biting it and them after him for revenge was a ref to DD2 where marion gets gunned down
t2 possesses another body an hugs jimmy out cold as bimmy and marion escape
meanwhile, da gangs are busting the city at daytime
the cops made a truce with em to let em own da night
this is why you don't make deals with bad guys
i'm looking at you America from 09-16
dad cop wants to take back the streets
but other cops don't consent
t2 reveals he iced bimmy and jimmys dad to get the medallion
later back at da base main reveals the medallion kept t2  from getting billy bod
also they almost make out
but he bad gangs bust in
and they kung fu fight
oh and at the boat level, this guy ho was with abobo b4 lost an eye when billy or jimmy or w/e popped it with a metal rod as he looked in the shed the boat was in
now hes got an eye bandanna
eye removal in a kids movie?
bad a55
and they keep throwing gang guys in this lime green liquid in the base(I assume acid)
Alissa shoryuken's linda lash out
abobo sees how mutated he is in a mirror and goes nuts
he easily snaps out of his leg chain holding him
then jimmy is back but is controlled by t2 and fights billy
just like in the games
billy gets his a55 kicked
t2 as jimmy tells the story of romules and remis from greek history
odd enough, t2 as jimmy punches open a double dragon arcade machine in the fight
this gang has an arcade?!
they ripped off tmnt!
billy throws away his half but it turns into 90s cg and returns to him
jimmy t2 kicks billy through a concrete wall
but hes ok as he turned on his half
t2 sez give him it or jimmy bites it
and tries crushing jimmy with heavy cr-p
but billy saves him
why not just punch a hole in urself as jimmy?
billy tries beating the t2 outta jimmy
it works
but t2 gets the other half and combines em
btw the 2 halfs of a gold thing was used in Yugioh gx season 2(ep 20ish to 30ish)
t2 clones himself and becomes shadow wariors
the fight da bros with swords
abobo comes out and reveals t2 is weak to light
btw star trek discovery ripped this off
and his swords burn away anything that touches em
allysia millanion turns on a generator and the lights weaken em
the bros use their team move and beat him together
they get the halfs and link em
then get cr--ppy red and blue outfits and the chick tells em to guard the powers or w/e
btw this was done in star wars and transformers the 86 movie when obi wan and optimus told luke and rodimus in da final battle
now they have dragon ball powers and beat on t2 as he jokes
jimmy possesses t2 and maes him punch himself
this is so bad I smiled
then cop dad comes in and jmmy as t2 gives dad cop a check for millions
dad cop arrests t2 and the night cops arrive
t2 wants da check back and sez; if u think i'm bad, wait til u meet my lawyers!
he sez it in such a great way I smiled
so over da top
marion gives da bros a powered up car
da dragon wagon
and abobo who's still a mutant is good now
then they drive off with abobo driving to 90s music
paul dini did the story!?
but he did batman the animated series!!
btw if t2 couldn't beat the bros with the amulet, wat challenge could he pose vas them with it?!
the end
I gotta say
I enjoyed it
good 90s fun
cheesy and silly with good action
they had the chutzpa to ice someone
eye removal
this movie wasn't as bad as everyone said
the t2 guy gave a good show with fun and sometimes bada55 moments
and he's not some goofy super Mario bad guy who cant do sh-t
hes a real threat multiple times while still being able to make us grin
the opposite of lothor in power rangers ninja storm
if u liked 90s cheese, this is for u
for double dragon 2 I want the main bad guy from the 1st to have a trial but got away with it and sued the city for false cr-p and won with his sneaky lawyers. now the city is bankrupt and has gone full 3rd world. no running water. no power. no cops. abobo wants revenge on him for mutating him into a grotesque abomination but his body starts mutating worse. soon he's a mess of bones and organs that's bullet proof and eats people by dissolving them into him like john carpenters the thing. the movie follows him and his adventures going through the sewers as a mushy pile as he tries to find his way to the bad guys fortress and fights other mutants and deformed animals in there. its also a 16 bit sega genesis and super Nintendo game where you play as him trying to find his way to the boss for a cure and finding out eating the dragon brothers will return him to human forme.

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