Sunday, June 3, 2018

The Revenant Review

note; I never saw this movie but I saw the 70s or w/e version
the revenant
this is my review on he revenant(2010s ver)
it won Leonardo decaprio the Oscar I think
lets see if he deserved it
huh, its rated 18+ in soviet Canada
is this a p0rn0?
so it starts with some random images and scenes of leo with some people in some place
I think its his fam
then after a long thing of water flowing we get hunters in da woodz
according to the closed captions, one is named glass and 1 is hawk
what is this? mad max?
leeo opens fire and then its in a camp where they catch pelts of animals
then they start getting snipered by arrows
leo who's cutting a dead deer hears em and runs
its an indian attack
i'm surprised they allowed this is a modern movie
nowadays its all the evil white man going after them
pretty god violence in here though
1 guy got an arrow through the eye
like heath ledger and his magic pencil in that movie
no not brokeback mountain
so the whites retreat and Indians still open fire on em
man this IS like mad max
1 indian sez he daughter isn't here so hes gonna steal their pelts and give em to the French
yeah looking for your kid justifies this massacre of guys you don't know on the assumption they might know something
so leeo wants to get off da boat and go by land
they do
so they gotta get back to safe territory b4 the Indians get em
what is this? the warriors?
1 guy is p-ssed he worked so hard 4 da pelts and gotta ditch em
glass is said to have killed a buncha people to survive something
the p-ssed guy is fitzgerald
millhouse; don't trust him itchy! he's irish!!
imma call him fit
btw leo is named glass
then a big black bear comes in and starts eating leo
but changes its mind and leaves him al chopped up
it comes back and leo caps it
so it goes back to eating him
then takes another break
make up yor mind you huge sack of cr-p!!
when it goes back again leo knifes it and both roll down a hill with the big black bear on top of leoo
his homies find him and are p-ssed he fired his rifle a it might attract Indians
some homies don't think hes gonna last and wanna put him to sleep
but they sew him together
later the Indians wanna trade their stolen pelts with frenchies
but frenchies don't wanna give up horses
Frenchie sez the pelts are stolen
so head indian goes on a trade about how whites are bad as 2 whites took his daughter
so if an Italian wrongs me then I get free reign to go after all italianos?
so the frenchies give him the horses
yeah cuz 2 wrongs make a right
btw hawk I think is glass's son
so the survivors go across the h-llscape of wild america carrying whats left of lyo
1 guy nearly blows off leos head but changes his mind and offers 2 guys a bonus to stay behind to look after him
as leo is da 1 who said to get out da boat
at night leo has flashbacks to having an indian wife
also his son nearly bit it but leo saved hm
also leo has a scene of a pile of bison skulls
yet this is the 1820s an that didn't happen until decades later
is this a vision?
is he psychic?
fit I think when talking about his experiance wth other Indians, mentions them not taking your "topknot"
is this samurai now?
so fit urges leo to give consent to ice him so the indians don't get his boy and fit
he takes leos blink as a yes as hes too mutilate to talk and tries to ice leo
but hawk (not the G I Joe guy) tries to stop him and they argue
things escalate and fit shanks hawk
and leo cant do anything but foam at the mouth and make groaning noises
later the 3d guy paid to stay comes back and fit sez he aint seen hawk
later fit sez Indians are coming and they gotta leave leo
3rd guy complains so fit berries him alive
but his head is above ground
n its been an hour with adds
that felt like nothing
btw this whole; berried alive and left was done in riki-oh
but there he ate the dog pieces yomi stuffed in his air pipe
lyo crawls out to where is kids body is
I assume he's gonna eat him
he needs protein for healing wounds
no food around
its only logical
later 3rd guy puts together the holes in fit's story and finds fit lied about seeing Indians
he holds fit at gunpoint but fit disarms him and puts the rifle to 3rd guiys head and fires
but 3rd guy is a teen who forgot to use powder in it
fit did it to save them as it was a waste to stay there
leo gets the blankets there and crawls on the snow
along the way he finds a bison skeleton and scavenges
the Indians find the camp and the uneaten son
leo gets to a stream, drinks and starts a fire with hay, a rock and a razor
then puts the fire on his neck hole
btw the whole; neck wound stopped him talking for a while, thing was used in planet of the apes
later Indians come by and leo goes in the freezing river to escape em
I just saw a similar thing days ago in the buster Keaton movie "our hospitality" where he and his gf nearl went over the falls in a river
later fit and 3rd guy go by a dead indian village
theres 1 survivor and animals
later fit tells a story of his dad finding The Lord
but it turns out he as talking about a squirrel he ate
that's kinda twisted
If he wasn't Christian people would complain
so leo made a fish trap outta rocks in a U shape as fish cant turn around and he eats 1 alive
super fresh sushi
then he climbs up the hill by the river and finds endless bison
were they there the whole time?
later its night and an indian there shares bison he iced
the next day he tells the indian his story
the indian sez his fam got iced and he wants revenge
and to ride with him
did they just not communicate during those dozen hours they were together?
on the way the indian sez leo's bod is rotten
so 3rd guy and fit make it back and fit sez he did the job
they get paid but 3rd guy don't want it
btw as the Indians DID wind up finding the camp, it could be argued fit did the right thing
as they'd all be iced if they stayed
later its a snow storm and the indian makes a fire and shelter for leo
I think leeo dreams as we get religious images and a wrecked church that he visits
in it he hugs someone but then its a tree
he wakes up later and finds the indian hung from a tree with a french sign
man we're like 2 hours in and it don't feel it
in the French camp le comes to, 1 Frenchie is b0ning an indian woman w/o consent
so leo stops him at gunpoint and saves her
good thing he had a gun
otherwise that Frenchie might've b0ned him too
leo gets a horse and escapes but drops his water can
also he takes out a Frenchie with 1 shot
later fit wants to go back and get the pelts after the army gets there to defend em
but fit bought more goods than he was owed by he company and owes 300$
later leo wakes up and indians are after him
so he horse rides away but goes off a cliff and is saved by a tree
the horse bit it so he opens it up, pulls out its guts, gets nude and crawls inside
wow that horse has a lot of guts
also star wars did this 1st
the next day he crawls out of the frozen empty horse and travels
later a Frenchie comes by the base and says he was attacked
they see he has leos water thing and think it might be hawk
but fit dont let on
men go out at night to find him
they find leo and 1 guy (I think the leader) looks for fit
but he booked it to texas
leader beats on 3rd guy and nearly caps him
hes to be charged with treason
and leo does nothing
later leo tells them 3rd guy is honest and fit iced his kid
and he wants to go after him
so leader and leo go on a hunt and leo sez he previously iced a guy trying to wack his son
a ref to his icing someone at he start of the film
so leader finds fit and they pull guns and 1 fires
pretty sure fit is safe
as they gotta have leo take out fit
so leo goes there an leader bit it
also theres an avalanche in the background
so leo is riding his horse with leaders horse carrying whats left of leader
and fit pulls a j fk and snipers him
but it was really leader riding the horse with a branch up his a55 to keep him straight
and leo was faking being him
so he sneak attacks and they run
somehow fit gets away and leo walks in the river to avoid tracks
after some cat and mouse both are walking along the riverslow cuz they busted up
fit sez he had to ice hawk cuz he wouldn't stop screaming
he also blames leo for raising a girly boy (which triggers leo and he attacks)
they fight and stab and fit bites les eat like mike Tyson
fit gets belly shanked and leo gets a blade in the hand
leo shanks fit's leg and strangles him
fit sez this wont unkill his boy
leo stops killing fit, puts him in the watet, the Indians on the other side of the river get him, and knife him dead
that's pretty cr-ppy
why cant we have a god guy killing a bad guy anymore?
remember commando?
Arnold threw a metal pipe through bennet
also why do the Indians get to kill him?
is it like throwing a guy to the sharks?
also the Indians were the whole reason he got eaten by the bear in the 1st place!
he was only there as the Indians attacked his group!
he goes all the way out there for revenge and just quits
its like in bridge on the river kwai
col candya55 spends the whole movie whining about not making his higher rank brits slum with the common soldiers
then in the end they do anyway
it f's the whole movie
so in the end leo wanders the wasteland and finds his woman
its probably in his head or a sign he's biting it or w/e
also this was done in the 1986 fist of he north star movie with Kenshiro finding yuria as a vision or w/e
oh and the chick the Frenchie was b0ning as the girl the Indians were looking for and was with them when they iced fit
that's pretty sick
you saved my kid so imma ice someone for you
the end
most of that was good
it was almost 3 hours long but didn't feel like it
good effects and filming
good editing
leo was his usual self in here in terms of acting level
he won best actor cuz the other nominated guys wernt so great
kinda like shakespere in love winning best picture
but the ending where they cant have a main character killing the bad guy just ruined it
good thing Hollywood hasn't tried any Go Nagai movies
imagine cutey honey where she lets sister jill go and Kekko kamen takes her out
I should note that in the real story, leo's son didn't exist and leo only wanted his gun back from fit, which he gave him
but they decided to make this more like the crow
for the revenant 2 I want leo to wake up in a strange forest civilization. turns out, he was saved by a sasquatch tribe and they want to use him for rituals to gain power. wait, they wanna experiment on him and have patched his wounds with bio parasites which connect to him and give him powers and abilities. he is trained by the sasquatch and they use him as a soldier in their missions to try to stop America from fining them by taking anyone who comes too close out. its also a16 bit sega genesis and super Nintendo game where you play as leo and hunt down people who come to the village and unlock new powers by feeding their bodies to the bio parasites

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