The Revenant Review

note; I never saw this movie but I saw the 70s or w/e version

the revenant

this is my review on he revenant(2010s ver)

it won Leonardo decaprio the Oscar I think

lets see if he deserved it

huh, its rated 18+ in soviet Canada

is this a p0rn0?

so it starts with some random images and scenes of leo with some people in some place

I think its his fam

then after a long thing of water flowing we get hunters in da woodz

according to the closed captions, one is named glass and 1 is hawk

what is this? mad max?

leeo opens fire and then its in a camp where they catch pelts of animals

then they start getting snipered by arrows

leo who's cutting a dead deer hears em and runs

its an indian attack

i'm surprised they allowed this is a modern movie

nowadays its all the evil white man going after them

pretty god violence in here though

1 guy got an arrow through the eye

like heath ledger and his magic pencil in that movie

no not brokeback mountain

so the whites retreat and Indians still open fire on em

man this IS like mad max

1 indian sez he daughter isn't here so hes gonna steal their pelts and give em to the French

yeah looking for your kid justifies this massacre of guys you don't know on the assumption they might know something

so leeo wants to get off da boat and go by land

they do

so they gotta get back to safe territory b4 the Indians get em

what is this? the warriors?

1 guy is p-ssed he worked so hard 4 da pelts and gotta ditch em

glass is said to have killed a buncha people to survive something

the p-ssed guy is fitzgerald

millhouse; don't trust him itchy! he's irish!!

imma call him fit

btw leo is named glass

then a big black bear comes in and starts eating leo

but changes its mind and leaves him al chopped up

it comes back and leo caps it

so it goes back to eating him

then takes another break

make up yor mind you huge sack of cr-p!!

when it goes back again leo knifes it and both roll down a hill with the big black bear on top of leoo

his homies find him and are p-ssed he fired his rifle a it might attract Indians

some homies don't think hes gonna last and wanna put him to sleep

but they sew him together

later the Indians wanna trade their stolen pelts with frenchies

but frenchies don't wanna give up horses

Frenchie sez the pelts are stolen

so head indian goes on a trade about how whites are bad as 2 whites took his daughter

so if an Italian wrongs me then I get free reign to go after all italianos?

so the frenchies give him the horses

yeah cuz 2 wrongs make a right

btw hawk I think is glass's son

so the survivors go across the h-llscape of wild america carrying whats left of lyo

1 guy nearly blows off leos head but changes his mind and offers 2 guys a bonus to stay behind to look after him

as leo is da 1 who said to get out da boat

at night leo has flashbacks to having an indian wife

also his son nearly bit it but leo saved hm

also leo has a scene of a pile of bison skulls

yet this is the 1820s an that didn't happen until decades later

is this a vision?

is he psychic?

fit I think when talking about his experiance wth other Indians, mentions them not taking your "topknot"

is this samurai now?

so fit urges leo to give consent to ice him so the indians don't get his boy and fit

he takes leos blink as a yes as hes too mutilate to talk and tries to ice leo

but hawk (not the G I Joe guy) tries to stop him and they argue

things escalate and fit shanks hawk

and leo cant do anything but foam at the mouth and make groaning noises

later the 3d guy paid to stay comes back and fit sez he aint seen hawk

later fit sez Indians are coming and they gotta leave leo

3rd guy complains so fit berries him alive

but his head is above ground

n its been an hour with adds

that felt like nothing

btw this whole; berried alive and left was done in riki-oh

but there he ate the dog pieces yomi stuffed in his air pipe

lyo crawls out to where is kids body is

I assume he's gonna eat him

he needs protein for healing wounds

no food around

its only logical

later 3rd guy puts together the holes in fit's story and finds fit lied about seeing Indians

he holds fit at gunpoint but fit disarms him and puts the rifle to 3rd guiys head and fires

but 3rd guy is a teen who forgot to use powder in it

fit did it to save them as it was a waste to stay there

leo gets the blankets there and crawls on the snow

along the way he finds a bison skeleton and scavenges

the Indians find the camp and the uneaten son

leo gets to a stream, drinks and starts a fire with hay, a rock and a razor

then puts the fire on his neck hole

btw the whole; neck wound stopped him talking for a while, thing was used in planet of the apes

later Indians come by and leo goes in the freezing river to escape em

weird

I just saw a similar thing days ago in the buster Keaton movie "our hospitality" where he and his gf nearl went over the falls in a river

later fit and 3rd guy go by a dead indian village

theres 1 survivor and animals

later fit tells a story of his dad finding The Lord

but it turns out he as talking about a squirrel he ate

that's kinda twisted

If he wasn't Christian people would complain

so leo made a fish trap outta rocks in a U shape as fish cant turn around and he eats 1 alive

super fresh sushi

then he climbs up the hill by the river and finds endless bison

were they there the whole time?

later its night and an indian there shares bison he iced

the next day he tells the indian his story

the indian sez his fam got iced and he wants revenge

and to ride with him

did they just not communicate during those dozen hours they were together?

on the way the indian sez leo's bod is rotten

so 3rd guy and fit make it back and fit sez he did the job

they get paid but 3rd guy don't want it

btw as the Indians DID wind up finding the camp, it could be argued fit did the right thing

as they'd all be iced if they stayed

later its a snow storm and the indian makes a fire and shelter for leo

I think leeo dreams as we get religious images and a wrecked church that he visits

in it he hugs someone but then its a tree

he wakes up later and finds the indian hung from a tree with a french sign

man we're like 2 hours in and it don't feel it

in the French camp le comes to, 1 Frenchie is b0ning an indian woman w/o consent

so leo stops him at gunpoint and saves her

good thing he had a gun

otherwise that Frenchie might've b0ned him too

leo gets a horse and escapes but drops his water can

also he takes out a Frenchie with 1 shot

later fit wants to go back and get the pelts after the army gets there to defend em

but fit bought more goods than he was owed by he company and owes 300$

later leo wakes up and indians are after him

so he horse rides away but goes off a cliff and is saved by a tree

the horse bit it so he opens it up, pulls out its guts, gets nude and crawls inside

wow that horse has a lot of guts

also star wars did this 1st

the next day he crawls out of the frozen empty horse and travels

later a Frenchie comes by the base and says he was attacked

they see he has leos water thing and think it might be hawk

but fit dont let on

men go out at night to find him

they find leo and 1 guy (I think the leader) looks for fit

but he booked it to texas

leader beats on 3rd guy and nearly caps him

hes to be charged with treason

and leo does nothing

later leo tells them 3rd guy is honest and fit iced his kid

and he wants to go after him

so leader and leo go on a hunt and leo sez he previously iced a guy trying to wack his son

a ref to his icing someone at he start of the film

so leader finds fit and they pull guns and 1 fires

pretty sure fit is safe

as they gotta have leo take out fit

so leo goes there an leader bit it

also theres an avalanche in the background

so leo is riding his horse with leaders horse carrying whats left of leader

and fit pulls a j fk and snipers him

but it was really leader riding the horse with a branch up his a55 to keep him straight

and leo was faking being him

so he sneak attacks and they run

somehow fit gets away and leo walks in the river to avoid tracks

after some cat and mouse both are walking along the riverslow cuz they busted up

fit sez he had to ice hawk cuz he wouldn't stop screaming

he also blames leo for raising a girly boy (which triggers leo and he attacks)

they fight and stab and fit bites les eat like mike Tyson

fit gets belly shanked and leo gets a blade in the hand

leo shanks fit's leg and strangles him

fit sez this wont unkill his boy

leo stops killing fit, puts him in the watet, the Indians on the other side of the river get him, and knife him dead

that's pretty cr-ppy

why cant we have a god guy killing a bad guy anymore?

remember commando?

Arnold threw a metal pipe through bennet

also why do the Indians get to kill him?

is it like throwing a guy to the sharks?

also the Indians were the whole reason he got eaten by the bear in the 1st place!

he was only there as the Indians attacked his group!

he goes all the way out there for revenge and just quits

its like in bridge on the river kwai

col candya55 spends the whole movie whining about not making his higher rank brits slum with the common soldiers

then in the end they do anyway

it f's the whole movie

so in the end leo wanders the wasteland and finds his woman

its probably in his head or a sign he's biting it or w/e

also this was done in the 1986 fist of he north star movie with Kenshiro finding yuria as a vision or w/e

oh and the chick the Frenchie was b0ning as the girl the Indians were looking for and was with them when they iced fit

that's pretty sick

you saved my kid so imma ice someone for you

the end

well

most of that was good

it was almost 3 hours long but didn't feel like it

good effects and filming

good editing

leo was his usual self in here in terms of acting level

he won best actor cuz the other nominated guys wernt so great

kinda like shakespere in love winning best picture

but the ending where they cant have a main character killing the bad guy just ruined it

good thing Hollywood hasn't tried any Go Nagai movies

imagine cutey honey where she lets sister jill go and Kekko kamen takes her out

I should note that in the real story, leo's son didn't exist and leo only wanted his gun back from fit, which he gave him

but they decided to make this more like the crow

for the revenant 2 I want leo to wake up in a strange forest civilization. turns out, he was saved by a sasquatch tribe and they want to use him for rituals to gain power. wait, they wanna experiment on him and have patched his wounds with bio parasites which connect to him and give him powers and abilities. he is trained by the sasquatch and they use him as a soldier in their missions to try to stop America from fining them by taking anyone who comes too close out. its also a16 bit sega genesis and super Nintendo game where you play as leo and hunt down people who come to the village and unlock new powers by feeding their bodies to the bio parasites