Monday, July 12, 2021

Proxima Review

 nopte; i spell out of this world


this is my review on roxima from 2019(the year of sh-t from robvoptech and transformers)

its got eva green and matt dillion and no one else i know

its directed by some frenchy and i never saw it b4 but people say its good

so after credits we get some gaijin speaking french and i closed the reviewe thinking i was in frtench but had to retype this after seeing they also sperak human

so this chick is training for a space thing and hasd a kid she bathes

a frenchie takling a bath?! what next?> her shaving her sweatry pits??

then title and she's in a place and theres a mneeting and guys talk human

she speaks unsubtitled french with some guy as i guess they dont want us to know whats going on

at least silent films have title cards

so later its a get together and this human is going to mars or soemthing and the soviet guy can't make it as i guessed his body f--ked out from years of smoking, drinking, fighting, drugs and b0ning

french chick is gonna goon the mission and can speak english like a real human, which means she was just being an a55 speaking in akumna gajin for the 1st part and not letting us understand

then she speaks the daemonic tongue of french to her daughter to devolve her wit its evil words

matt damon i meen dillin is at a bbq and his woman comes by and chats with freenchie about how frenchie is gonna leave her kid with her ex husband and dillin female is gonna raise her sons

then we see french going through a museum about space and mom gets her

later frenchie is with her daughter at a school and they meet a blonde who speaks in unsubbed french

urusai! yamero! jigoku eochiro! shine kuso jin! omae tachi wa gaeru gaijin!

later frenchie and her kid are out in da wild and by a pond

they go back and mom puts on her space uniforme, which isn't as good as the robotech oens

she talks with another frenchie isnt thier gaeru no go and mom brings kid to dads place

dad and mom chat in their gaijin talk and leave the kid unsupervised

she wanders into the road and an 18 sheeler creams her

jk thats pet semetary

Later they are at a restaurant and dad speaks german and they eat chicnese

its like the movie doesn';t want us to like it

well, it IS french!

kid takes a photo of her rents with chopsticks in their mouthes and later its night and mom talks french to her kid

mom leaves and sez bye to dad and unlike silent films where theres movement that shows what the characters say withg actions, they are kinda limp here

so frewnchie goes to this soviet base and chats with ther teacher i think who is a is soviet

she looks around the apartment with a camerra and later gets blood drained for rituals or tests

so she gets a psysical and later calls her butt buddy at night

later its day and she meets more soiets and her understudy who will replace her if she gets aids or w/e

they meet dillon and soviet goes to get some booze, whisch shouldnt be allowed, and frenchie and dillin talk

dillon sez she otta not take on too much repsonsiblity and she gets triggered and leaves after a drink

imagine if the soviets put parasites in her drink?

later she watches a video of dsillio talking of the mission and then she goes into a spinning thing for g forces

its too much for her and her eyes pop!!

jk she makes it but later barfs

later shes getting dressed and talks on da fone with her kid

so she gets i the space suit, which isn'rt as cool as the God Masters in Transformers, and later does a VR simulation of beimng outside the station and crawling around like spider man

as we see the vr, she comforts her f'd up kid

then we see her in the power armor space suit and goes in a pool to train

when are they gonna get to space?!

Even Robotech II The  Sentinels had actual cr-=p happen while they prepared to go to Tirol

so the music gets dramatic and she gets this guy in the fake space thing in da pool

later they're changinmg nd i think we see her nips and matt dammon seems into her

later she narrates but i dont speak french or ape screams so i dont know what she sez

but it shows her training and other weired space prep and then its kid reading her blog or w/e

she dont know a wordand dad helps her but in German

later chick french is in the woods with a parachute and flair and walking and matt daemon f'd his ankle

later the trio is in the woods and talking about their fams and it looks like star wars in 1 shot

did they already do the mission and it was all offscreen?

later back in the base kid comes by andf wait I think shes just at camp and watches the landing pod boated across the lake

so the astromen go by and kid reunites with mom

later mom and kid r in pool and later the trio are told what to doin the ocean after the mission

kid was under the table but vanishes and mom searches

sher finds her inside out with dogs eating her gutsas she says mommmm meeeeeee!!

jk she was foundin the park andf mom yels a bit and kid maes french sounds

they're both kinda b--chy and later dallis tells her this aint da plsce 4 a kid

she sez F u and he replies in kind

later she goes to her room and da next day id and soviet get up b4 her and leave a note and go

so frenchie goes back to trtaining on a treadmill in an air mask

her leg has rott and a dr treats it

later shes bummed and calls her baby daddy and he comforts her in english

later kid skates on ice and mom trains more and narrates in soviet french

dad sends a vid ofkid onn a bike and later kid uses a telescope to watch kids in da park


in a training thing shee spazzes out dies or something

they pull her a55 out and later we see a 1st person view of a playground

later chick and matt go to da store and he promotes gloobal warming

at da store they see magnets of them and buys a big a55 teddy bear for kid

later shes out in the rain by a swamp and dogsa spazz out in the wild

se carrys a ladybug and narrates some french cr-p and puts items in a box and mails it

but what if the mail doesn't identify as male?

so she goes to a party with cake and daughter cant come for some reason

she fakes a smile and does press and matt dillin is caled sean paul like the Jamaican dancehall recording artist

kid does a vid of her fiming items and talking in frenchie talk

later they play ping pong and dad brings kid over and theres a glass wall between em

kid talks french to mom and they do the star trek 2/midnight express thing of hands touching on either side of glass

later mom is crying and covers it by running the sink and wasting water

at night sahe sneaks out like a cr-ppy ninja and sees her butt buddy and daughter

they drivve and getsa to the launch base zone and sneak under a fence that dont even tougch the f--kin ground, which makes it useless!!

they see the rocket whjich isn't as cool as robotech or omega supreme

she goes back and daughter likes mom again

so she lubes up withblack slime and we see her t-ts and my mom whined about "do they have to show that? why not show matt duillon naked?"

so we should see matt damons 4 incher hanging out of his breifs

but its a european film! europe is ok with naked scenes!

rwennosaunce art of paintings of naked men!

greek starues of naked men!

european models doing nude work!

its not purverted! its europeaN!

so they get ready to go to cybertron or w/e and have talk and tech prep

eventually the rocket shakes and little kid daughtewr girl says wat the P A sez b4 they say it

liquid oxygen? thats like negative absolute zero!

so the rocket then blows apoart in a forey burst and the hidden fuision reactor goes off and the whole area is nuked as we see the flesh burn off their bones

jk really they launch and the next day kid reads a thinbg from her mom and puyts it in her coat

they see horses in the soviet wasteland

then credits of what i think are real astro people who went up to the stars

but the text is blurry and theres wierd 80s music

the end

that wasn't so great

i ddin't hate it but i couldn't get most of the story

maybe if there were subs i'd like it but theres not much happening and uits all prep work and ends with them lweaving and we dont see what they were going to

its like if lord of the rings was just themn getting ready to go off to bring the ring and ends when thery leave

the acting was kinda bland and the characters weren't very engaging

at least with silent films we can see whhat they mean with their gestures

here its just nothing

its not as bad as 2001 a space odyssey and its not hateable

but its not great

for proxima 2 i want they to be on mars and find an anciuent temple. inside are ancient robots from space daemons and other alien tech that was not meant for man. the soviet get is revealed to be send there to get them and bring them back to revive the ussr and he activates the daemon robots to take out the human and french astromen! But they rebuke the daemon robots with Holy Words and the daemon robots take damage from Holy Words being spoken at them! Also its a 16 bit beat em up on snes, sega genesis, gba, tg16 and atari jaguar where you play as the hguman or the frenchie and fight weith holy words instead of fists and take on the daemon robots with increasing power formes as the soviet guy activatesd them deeper in the temple.

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