Sunday, July 18, 2021

The Mortal Instruments City of Bones Review

 Note: I spell better than this movie is at movie-ing

Thje Mortal Insttruments City of bones

this is my review on The Normtl; instrinmrnts cxity of bones from the distanrt futruyre yewear of 2013 (When stuff in Robotecvvh haspopewned)

its directal by Harald Zwart who did cr-p like agent cody banks and the karATE KID WITH WILL SMITH JR

it stars Lily Collins from The Blibnd Side, Jamie Campbell Bower from Harry potter and twuilight, Kevin Zegers from Dawn of the Dead and Air bud, Lena Headey from the cr-ppy 90s jungle book movie, Aidan Turner from the hobbit, c c h pounder, Jared Harris from mr deeds and axe cop, Jonathan Rhys Meyers from alerxander, Kevin Durand from austin powers, Robert Maillet from pacific rim and 300, stephen r hart from are you afrAID of the daRK and bakugan, Chad Connell from degrassi and Harry Van Gorkum from batman and robion

i saw this b4 and have wanted to reviedw it for a while

its based on one of those teen tevels like i am number 4, haRRY potter, twilight, percy jackson, ect and opeople say it s-cked!!

they were gonna make sequels but no one liked this so that went

wtf they made a tv seeries of this?!

Shadowhunters: The Mortal Instruments lasted 55 eps!!

so there's a bunch of books to thgiws aND I NEVER READ EM

so after a few logos we get a titler and this is pretty f-kkin widescreen!

on a widescreen tv we still get black bars!

so this chick is draweing this klan symbol on things and it appears all over in mirrors and sh-=t and her rents notice her subconsiously doodling it

she wants to go to this clubn for a poetry reading and bytw, this is a long a55 movie

over 2 hours w/o adds

so she goes to this emo poetry reading and its pretty cr-ppy

also she drinks coffee with this guy and pnotices the symbol again in her codffee

then its night and she sees the symbvol on a sign and asks a guy about it but only she cxan see it

she goes to as rave and its full of 90s streets of rtage/mad max freaks

they look goth and emo and like hermaphrotides

in da club she sees this guy get iced by somer dudes and screams(which it totally a good idea as now they know ur there and saw em)

she leaves and goes home as her guy ftriend sez they pump drugs in the air at clubs

oh aNS THIS IS in sopviet new york so murders and drugs asre common there

just watch law and order

da next day she sees notes of the symbol all oiver her room

mom wants to spend time with her but she dont and wonders about who buys her koms art

she goes and mom finds the pix in her room

chick is with her guy homei and sees the blonde who shanked the guy at da club outside

at home mom is attacked by mnad max duedes with a dog

blonde sez shes from the human world and most people can't see him

mom fights th dudesd and calls chick but shes not answering so she calls guy friend

she finally pix up da fone and mom sez not to comer home and to go to this guy and hangs upo

then drinks something and bites it

dad goes intoa  padded room and chick runs through townbto go home despite her mom saying not to, and finds it trashed

a big black dfog comes agter her anmd transforms into some abominationm like that guy in batman beyond or the thing

she uses spray cans and lighter fluid and blowes it on the stove while hiding in as closet or something

it regenerates but blonde guy wastes it with his He Man Sword

he sez its a daemon which totally wasn'ty done in Devilman in the 70s

also he sez they can posess anyone and you can't trust anyone

again totally not like devilman from the 70s

Btw, mutant dogs? totally not like resident evil!!

chick sees her neighbor cch poinder who can see blondie cuz hshes a witch

quarter pounder has chick choose a tarot card that chicks mom painted and gets the ace of cups

blonde sez its the mortal cup thats hi kinds super artifact

also her mom was a shadow huntrer, totally not rick hunter and the shadow chronicles in robotech

she learns her memories were blocked to protect her by her mom and she saYS: I don't remember anything she'd want me to forget. 

if you don't remember it how do u know she'd want u to forget it! freekin dumba55 teen cr-p writing!!

she hears something and beats a guy but its her ned friend and she tells him her moms missing and theres a guy he cant see

but blonde shows up and can be seen and nerd quiotes ghost busters

chick b--ches at nerd over not picking up the moms phone call and he sez if it was importent he'd haver picked up

chick; how do u know its not important if u dont pick up?!

so then its raining and they go to this place and nerd stands outside and blionde and chick go in

hidden behind a book thing that blonde can make clear, they see who i thought was her dad being tortured for the cip, which i just realised is like the holy grail in king arthur and indiana jones

nopt dad sez he faked being good to find the ciup[ and they dont buy it

blonde fights em and chick escapes

nerdlinger sees cops and bugs em for help but its really daemons and blonde wastes em

she whines that not dad was good to her but blonde sez the memories were fake

also he vows to protect her like jutpier aSCENDING, WHICH, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE THE MATRIX GFUYS DID, RIPPED off something bettert han it

so they go to this invisible castle in soviuet new yorklike its f-kkin harry potter and she blacks out so he uses his magic sword to heal her

later she wakes up with runes on her skin and blonde sez humans cant survive it so shes a shadow hunbter

so theres not many shadow huntere left and the only way to make more is to be born of one or drink from the cup

totally not like the stione cutters where u gotta be the son of a memnber or save the life of one

she goes to this big room like in beautyn and the beast (good version) aND he sez to the boss that they;'ll be out in a day

the head of the groupsez her mom was 1 of the best and all ghjost storeius are tgrue

so are they gonna fight sasquatch?

nerd is told that vampires and sh-t are real but zomvies aint

also blonde saw his dad iced as a child

totallyt not like bruce wayne

head guy sez the Anbgel Raziel used his blood in a cup and any who driunk it become half angel

1st; theres all this stiff in trhe bible against drinking bklood

2nd; angels dont do that

3rd; if angels are real,m don't tyhat mean God is real and they can just pray away the daewmons?

man this has a crazy story! its got angels, half angels, demons, artifacts, the main chick comes into this crazy new life after discovering her secret power. hidden cities kept from humans. its like if wedding peach had a kid with harry potter!

also her mom being super high rank and being sent away and she comes into her powers is also like weddimng peach

so blonde and chcik go to this crypt and find the city of bones

he is, the dark knight

who am i, i';m spider man

the trrasure is called, one piece!!

so these druid guys and all ove ran dput her in this room with an eye oon it, totally not like the millennium thing in yugioh

thern a shwon in the ceiling zaps her, totally not like in zelda, and she has a flash back

she sees her mom and her and not dad in childhood and her mom giving the cup of ace to cch pounder

after she spazzes out she draws sh-t on the floor in the dust and blonde draws lines onm the dots and makes it spell BANE as in ultras magnus bane the mage

how do you know what lines toi add from random dots on the floor?!

thats some da vinci code autism!!

so they go to some place that looks like lord of the rings and its some marulin manson club with emo msuic and they meet magnus who's into the nerd

btw, kids who are half angel are evil and the reason we had noahs flood

so magnus sez he has to refresh then memoryu thing and when she stareted drarwing the rune,m its proof to get it refreshed

nerd drinks a thing and its posioned and some big guys take himn to b0ne

also the guy said to be her real dad who did it was just a soldier who bit it and the real guys wife who ddin;'t want it and mom used it

totally not ike [phobee in friends mom using a photo of the ghuy a frame came with as her dad

so magnus sez her mom was runnign from shadow hunters and chick and blodcne go to a church to get arms and blonde sez he never saw an angel while fighting daemons and dont believe

i never saw a whale in real life as i was never in the ocean, are trhey real??

so guy i thought was blondces boss but really is his cowoirker and the heroes go to some place and i think its a rotting building and see blood on da floor

man we're an hour in

that felt like nothing

so they find her hanging on cjhainsin a shaft, total;ly not like that guy in thre texas chainsaw massacre and save him

looks like some kinda freakyt go nagai/yugioh SM thing

the vam,piurtes attack as they escape, totally not like twlight or buffy and they fight em with magic items

toitally not like nami sos/sexy sailor soldiers with the hunters fighting secks daemons

chick shoots a vam,pire trying to give her aids with a magic gunb, again, not like nami sos and that platinum haired leather babe naoko arai

they get to da roof and a big a55 wold is ther ewand helps em but she sticks with a b lade

also i guess they've been out all night as now the suns up and the vamps back off

laater at the base, blonde plays pianio and sez playing the right notescan expose daemons

totally not like gohans whistling f--kin up piccolo and lord slug in dbz

also therers a portal that leads to whereever you wana go

but you need super training to use it or it cxould have u lost

totally not like night crawler in x men

or the dead zone in dnz

he uses it to feel her hair by moving his hand across the room

totaly not like janemba in dbz

he takez her to da garden in a tower like a bad jrpg and he sez he got a pet for his birthday and told him to make it obdeint

he cared for it and it loved him, which wasnt the mission, sodad iced it

actuallly dragion ball suyper kinda ripped that off with broly and his pet, but supoer is a55 so it fiits

they make out in the garden to 20000s  music and it rains like in spider man 1

then nerd finds out and theres a tiff over who she wants and they get b--chy over teen drama sh-t

whop do you want? the cool brooding loner? or the nerd?

nerd sez he loves her like its star ship troopers with carmen dizzy and rico and that blonde is using her to get da cup

nerd goes hoime and  blonde laser tattos hmself as they cant show hnhim cutting himself whhile cryong tears of blood and pooping spurm

larter she notices a  drawinbg of a cup and pulls it  out of the book like f--kin mary poppins!

head guy sez only her mom can do dat and she ttells bnlonde she knows where mom hid da cup

so she goes back to the cch pounterss p;ace and asks for the tarot cwrds and she sez noit to bring weapons as its a peacefil house

some metal dust moves around and the 2 others who aunt the main guys go after it

cch gives her the cards and blonde plays piano and it f--ks her up

chiuck pulls out the cup from the card and cch devolves intio a deadite and fights em

she grows a tentacle and gets da cup and coworker grans bet but isd shanked by the tentacle

cch gets away but meets nerd outs9ide who sees chick inside and fioghts cch with a shovel

tthe hunters waste her wirth their items and she gets backl da cup

she hugs nerdo and the shanked guy isnt doing well

later chick bringds the cup tro head guy and he sez hes cursed topo not go outsiode  and opens the gate to breing the bad guy over and give him da cup

he tests the cup by putting his blood in it and wants her to drink his blood

she dont wanna and he wants to save his race and  says shes his kid and he had mom his blood while she wasd pregnant with her

chick puts the cup basck in da card and runs through the gate, totally niot like a stargate

in this silent hill looking placer this blonde kid comes up but a werewulf gwets her and puts on clothes

iits not dad who takes her to a place and sez thew gate brought her there as she wanted it

head guy wants to be cured as he gave bad guy the cup and bad guy puts spears in the ground in a pentagram sahape like exodia

bad guy sez head guys is all in his head and bad guy has guys asfter him

also hes gonna tewll people they are his kids and to break them so they'd follow him

so theres this pillar of light and ultra magnus comes back to help the surviving hunters

so not dad sez bad guy is her dads and her mom left him with the cup and burned the place and left 2 bodies so tthey;'d niot know he and his son lived

bad guy sez blonde is his son but he's not buying it

blonde a ring hat sez w. but the bad guy proves it turns his W ring over to say M.

that's pretty bad right there. 

his whole life is in doubt because m is w unside down

who not turn it sidewars and say its c3po froim star wars?

btw, totally not like star wars with the kids  wqgho kissed being from the saME BAD GUY DAD

SO THE NERD AND OTHER HUNTER FIND mom floadting above a bed like the exorcist or hiow hyogas  mom isas unbder da sea in saint seiya

they call chick and not dad and hius werewolf homies come over to help

totally not like twilight noir underworld

so count magnus leee from vampure hunter D heals the tentacklled hunter and all these birds come in and hunter chick fights em

not dad and the rest come by and start getting picked off by daemons

they're trapped in a room and in slo mo, chick carves sa rune in her hand annd does a final shine attack luike in dbgt to stop the daemons

its an unknown rune and vanishes soon after

totally not like jason borne being super skilled and  not knowing how

soo the daemons thaw out and they fight em and bad guy ttalks to his woman in a coma

chick gets  him at knifepoint but blonde saves him and reveals they are brother and suister (Which according to wikipeda, is canon) and bad guy sez sghe's in love with him

she spaazzes out at this and female hunter uses a flame thrower on daemon bireds

bad guy manhandleschick and backhands blonde andf nwerd tries to turnn off a lrever but a part is not there

blonde and dad sword fight, totally not like star wars

oh blonde piulled out a spear from da pentragram and it stopped the sommiming

bad guy puts it back and ther gate opensd but the cup card is gone

so chick hunter is flame throwering daemons, which i aassume is holy fire,  and bad guys minions go looking

1 finds not dad and he wastes the goonby eating hisd neck

blonde swprd fights dad more annd hunter chick gets htso nerd flaame throwwers

some hooded dude takes out thre other goon and saves hunter chick and nerd and i think gets it fightiong daemons

bad guy is gonna shank blondes head on a swqord but chick stops him by going to drop the cip in the star gate

as he know nbopthing of her, he'd know not wherre it would go

she gives him da cup and shoves his a55 inb the gate, but he comes out to piull her in

btw the sideways water was done in prom night 2 and the gate thing was done in shining force ii

so the gate ices over and blows and chick and blonde survive and the place is snowed over like a tim burton movie

chcik sz she understands why mom did this and forgives her and sez her secrets sage with her and shows her coma mom the cup card in her coat

so later moms in the hosptial and nerd and chick talk

chcik would rather  inbreed with her brother, and kepp the bloodline pure, and goes home and uses magic top unbdestroy it

also the warnd this they use is right otta harry potter, asd is them calling humans, mundane (muggles, )

blonde bro bf sez he needs her and shes his angela and she goes off with him on a mototcycle and says she sees things different now

then credits to a really 00s song with 00s cgi

the end

that was pretty cr-ppy

but in a fun way

you ever sewe show girls?

made 100 million in rentals

this has a LOT of logic, story, writing and moralkity issues

plus it rips off a bunch of better stuff

but its fun to watrch and point out the errors

not as much as the room

but not too far off

its one of those so bad its good kinda films that whi;le its all kindas of f'd up, its niot hateable

i''m glad i ssaw it

watch it if you got like 2 houyyrees to p-ss away for a laugh

for The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones 2 I want them to be in canada on the runb from daemons and find a tribe of sasquatch who are revealed to be descended from fallen angels and have stuff in common with em, but they also wanna enslave humasnity like theior origuinators made themn to do, and the 2 gotta take em on with magic! also its a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis, snes, gba, tg16 and attari jaguar where you play as the heroes of the last movie and fight accross a really exaggerated ver of canada with moose that come on screen and when you beat em up, they blow into chunks of meAT TO HEAL you. oh and the sasquatch also summon other canadian cryptids to fight as bosses

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