Sunday, July 25, 2021

The Sea Hawk Review

 Note: I spell goods like in da book

the sea hawk

this is my review onb the sea hawk from 1924

its directed by frank lloyd who did son of the gods and blood on the sun

it stars a buncha 1800s homies i never heard of

its based on a book by Rafael Sabatini who did scaramouche and captAIN BLLOOD

i never saw this but it was remaDE IN the 40s with errol flynn and a differentr ploty thaN THE BOOK

i never saw dat either

so after title asnd credits we get texrt saying its set in the days of soviret england under the black regent elizabeth

at this home this guy olivert was knighted by the evil queen and fought the herpicspaniards in the war

he also has a half brother nameds lionel (Not lion L or Lion O)

oli is gonna marry this chick and lion dont like it

chicks bro peeder is a livley shonen hero like koji kabuto from mazinger z

he dont want oli to marry his sister as he thinksd oli is a pirate

oli nearly beats his a55 in but  sez peeders guardiamn is  jealous of him

theyt grapple and oli sez he wont fight a boy aand stops

peeder runs off on his horses a55 and oli sez hes gonna teach peeders guardian a lesson and goes there

peeder gets there 1sat and b--ches about oli and chhick is tthere and defends oli as shewws gay for him

she goes off and oli shows up and confronts guardian about  calling him a pirate

giardian sez he has queens letters proving hes one and  they sword fight like japanese transformers

oli wastes giuardian and but i guess he's npt fully deasd as  he sez next time he'd not be so mercifil

the fam takes guardian awayu and chick hates him now for being violent

oli sez he spared him as she likes hi and they patch things up

she makes him swear not to swordfight anymore (which is f--kin stoopid as what isf a homie pulls a shank on him? does he just stand there and get inced?) and they smooch

later theres this lady with a geezer huisband and oli and chick worrys if they can stay happy

they smooxch by the sea and later a guy is being b--chyand  nearly pulls a blade, but the other guy backs off

i'm having trouble telling these guys apart

tey all dress in queer shakespere outfits and have bad face hair

later 1 guy callsa abnothewr guy out, oh its  peeder wanting to fighr i think oli, and he whips on him and horse a55 rides off

oli rides after him having enuff of his sh-t but remembers his primice not to swordfight

you can fist fight

beat the black off himn

kick his candy a55

so later they meet up and swordfight but both take stabs and peeder gets it

wait i dont think tharts oli

oh its lion and later olu wonders where his probably illegitimate half bro is

later oli iu mean liono com,es back and has been shanked aND TELLS OLI

OLI TREATS HIS DEVOLVED bro and sez as it was a fair fight, there were no witnesses and the law will call it murder

later the body is found and everyone thinks oli icxed his b---ch a55

gf believes it and hates him again and weants him struing up

also thetre was a trail of blood from the body to olis home

and she sez she'd testify agaimnst him if therews a trial

but poli is friends with a legal guy who refused to issue an warrent against him as he agrees the peeder had it comming

oli showes legal guy hios body and theres no fresh wound


buyt lion l worrys if oli is not guilt, they might find it was him

at a bar wirth sailors is a captain who is immoral amd livley

he truys feeling a xchick and she slaps him so he chases her

sher gets awasy b4 he b0nes her

liolnes chats with captain and wants him to do a mission and  captaimn agrees for 100 lbs for himself and abother 100 lbs for his crew

lio kaizer givres him his ring and its even and  books it

look aT THERSE GUYS PANTALOONS. its like the 3 musketweers

later liobek sez to opli that chick wants to see him at this place and he goes

lionel seems a bit hesitent

he know what hes doping is bad

so oli goes there and the pirates capture him, beat him out and sail off with him by The Super Hetero Portugal

captain cuts oli loose if he dont fight and tells him hes gonna sell him as a slaver to the moors

but captain will bring him back to england if he pays him more than he was paid

captain sez who paid him and oli attacks him but sees the ring he gave liozack and seez hes been starscreamed

he vows to pay him 2x what his evil brom pAID HIM but the superior spaniards attack

the ship is captured and they are enslaved by spaniards

they gotta man the oars like its Ben Hur

so in soviet england, people thinkoli booking it is a sign of guilt and lionel sez he thinks oli is innocent

as does chick

then its 6 months laTEr and oli is a gally slave, becoming stronger and more bada55

kinda like going to jail and hitting te weights

a high rank moor slave is with him and this portuguese looking chick from spain is there who dont like the slave stink

as they drink water, they drip on the flooer to rot the wood holding their chains

1 slave is whipped dead and oli us whipped for looking at the whip cracker weired

btwm, when this came out, there were americans who liuved in slavery still alive

ben her gx is better at spaniards saying theyt are Christian but doing evil and renounces his Faith over a few people using it bad

i know what you mean

i knew a guy in high school who played mAGIC the gathering, who was a loser, so i dot play it to not be like him

at night he thinks of his gf and probably j-rked off in the real version

later in the medeiteriaNAM, they find a moorish galley

this moor was fighting the algiers and iced spaniards

a battle happends and the moor slaver recognizes the boat being of his uncle

in the fight oli and moore pull outr the chain from the rotted wood and go around fighting the spaniards

thery go around the outside of ther boat likle spider mam and atack ther spaniards from behind

moor reunites with his uncle and sez oli is his alluy and hates Christians

spoilewr; ther ottomans were far worse slave owners thjan the Euiropeans

then a sniper j fk's moor and oli crossbows him out

thenb intermission

then 3 years later ther oli is known as the hawk of the sea and gop around klilling Spaniards for the moors

you knowe, ther ottomans used to raid slavic areas and take kids asd slaves, raised them as ottomans, then sent them back toi kill their families as ottoman troops

kinda like in shadow of the beast how this kid is devolved into as monster and sees his dad being iced and it snaps him back to break free of his enslavement

so oli is going around killing Christians cuz a few were bad to him, which is pretty evil, and comes across the ship that took him as a SLAVE

he atacks it and wins and checks the prisoners on it and 1 is from soviet england

he decides the fates of these guys and 1 is the captain who took him from england

you know, in 1812, england captuired American ships and enslaved the crew for serrvitude to the brittish regent

thats why the war happened

so captain and oli recognize eac other and he sez hes not at war with england or its slaves so he has the brit and casptain sent to shore

btew, i assume he converted to their group so that means he was circimsized

imagine a guy pulling his thing skin and him tied to the wall and a big guiy with a huge scmitar waises irt and slices it off!

so captain thinks oli gonna wack him and oli sernds him to england with a merrssage to prove his trust

later irts rainy and cr-ppy is gaye olde englande and captain comes with a message from oliver

the butler/slave reads it, gets captain a book and food

laTER OLIVER IS declaired, AN OUT LAW!!! and the regent gioves his cr-p to his evil bro

then a messengher comes in and then does captain

lionel is sh-tting himself from seein  him AGAIN despite them meeting once in a dark bar ywears ago

captain sez hes's got a medsage from oliver twist and chick burns it

captain says "twqas ye" aBOUT LIONEL BUT IS DRAGED OFF AND saez to get legal guy

but hes bit it years agho and captain is run outt

then in algiers the uncles fave wife and son is there and jealous of oli's skill and poweer

wife trys to turn uncle against oli but unlce dopnt care

later in a mediteranian cove,sea hak waits for captrain

captain returns and tells what happened and that lionel is gonna marry chick nexzt month

as guardiaN agreed to it with him in contol

chick is regreting burning olis message and then they are at the church with ther priest

but then all these moors come in an take over

nowadfays thisd is seen as aWFUL AS IN some countries, they bust into churches, say, convert or dier, aND EXECUTE THOXE WHO DON'T RONOUNCE THEIR God

whgaT NEXT? a joke about hollywood elite b0ning vulnerable actresses?

so oli comes in and says hes the sea hawk, the scourgew of Christonddom

oli has his bro taken away andgoes to chick but she donbt consent

so he carrys hger off after she blacks out from shock

meanwhile, wife's spies found about olis trip to soviet england and he returns with slaves he;'s stolen from their homes

so hes the bad guy right?

is this like the privaTe life of henryu VIII where the main guy is evil?\

so according to their culture, they sell slaves at public auction, which they dont seem to show as bad here, probably cuz its not Christians doing it so they excuse it

the wifes spy, a guy with no parts, as they were removed, is there and uncle is amazed that 1 woman enslsaved isd milky white

crotchless rteports to wife and son and uncle is toild he can buy the Milkjky chick for 1 000 phillips

but how many terrences??

wife sez to no parts to bbuy milky for 1500 and get rid of her

so then its slave sale time and the peoople buy slaves

lionedl gets bought by captain andis probably gonna bew butt hammered

a girl is sold to a creepy guy for 00 phillips but she pulls his dagger and sepp[uku's to aboid being his secks slave

then chick i think is pout up for auction and is bought for 1200 by no parts

then the sea hawk oli comes in and offers 2000 and has her taken to his house

btw, when this film was made, women weren't considered persons in soviet canada

so later oli sez she is his property and mocks his bro

he grapples bro doewn abnd sez his slavery made him strong at the cost of his soul

then sez he gave chick humiliation to shjow the trtuth; her bropeeder was iced by lionel

lionel sez oli shanked him in a sneak attack, wait; oli sez lionbel sneaked him

lionel sez he iced peeder in a fair fight and realizes he slipped up

chick asks whgy oli skipped town and he sez captaIN WAS PAID BY lionel to sell hiom tyo slavery

captain tells her to back it up and oli has lionel sent to be a gasley slave

cuz 2 wrongs make a right

then oli sez hes gonna sernd her back to england

you couldn't have told her this on the hundreds of miles between england and hewwre?

you had to kidnaP HER to the a55 end of da earth to do this?

what is this? dbz the dead zone howe Garlic jr's men needed the dragonball sand took gohan and his hat with it??

so uncle comes in and sez he wants chick but oli dont consent

uncle sez he'd use force andf oli sez he'd dfo anything else but this

oli gives her a blade in case his plan dont work and when uncle comes back with a buncha guys like shin in hokurto no ken to take yuria, oli sez he takes chick to be his wife

this makes uncle jack i mean back off and next day oli isa sent to fight the holy spaniards

and his half brother is on his boat as a slave

uncle takes command of the ship and as a big plan t thing brought on board

later oli checks the planty thing ands captain and him are up to something

son has a challenge with oli to see who's better with a crossbow and they aim at a rope on the plant thing

but instead fire at a thing on a ther mast or w/e

son wants to shoot the plant thing but oli aims his crossbow at him to stop him

then has the plant thing cut out to revealchick was in there

he sez he worried of her safety in that cesspoole and brought her along

uncle dont like it but his gopd sez he cant stop it

meanwhile son AND UNCLE p;lot to end the sea hawk

later oli sez if anything goews wrong, use the dagger and wished he died a slaver than bring her to this sh-t hole

she donty want him to leave her alone andf then they copme across an englisdh ship

chick sez its her guardians ship and uncle dont wanna fight them as they too strong so they're gonna wait em out

oli sez to lionel to pretend he's ABusing him to save chick and sez guardians boat is near and to swim to it

he has bro attack him ands he hammewrs his skull in and sez toi fake being Ko ed

then sez to his minions to throw him overboard

but they see him swimming and have oli j fk him

he misses and liobnbel swims under water to avoid being caught

chick dont liker this but he tells her its A TRICK to save her

but she sez by saving her he'd get it

later the lion l goes to the guardian ship and guardian sez he's gonna rescue chick and end the sea hawk b4 returening tyo soviet england

then sees lionel and liomnel givesx him the gist of it

the brity ship faces the moors but stops firing aS CHICK IS ON BOARD

BUT wityh no wind and moor oars, they can escape

oli tells em to hold their oars and holds a lantern over the powder saying if they don't, he'd blow them back to h-ll!

then sauys to have faith and he'd protect em

the briot boat comes by and they stop firing and oli sez if they try anything, he'd blow em both to h-ll (he sdez that tyoo)

guardian sez he swore to take back the renegade john brown i meAN OLIVER AND oli sez if they promise  to let his crew free, he;d surren\der

they do and captain sneaksd aWAY

oli sez bye to his homies and is takenb back to soviet enggland

later he's gonna e executed and captain is on the boat as a stow away

as guardian said he'd let his homies free, captain is released

so oli is gonna be executed for his crimes but lionel and cxhick comer out saying hgges innocent of icing poeeder

but he abducted chick and thats a capital offence

she sez she consented to go and be his wife

they let him free and i guess that wasnt his bro as now he meets bro in bed and they forgive each other

totally niot like ben hur with that scene after the chariot race

oh and he swam in cold water so it killed him somehow

even though soviets swim under the artic ice

i guess the brits are just less evolved

so back in the devient land of new sofom: england, the estates of guardian and oli combinme and i guess thet chick aND oli got married

captain isd with emn saying to this kid how he was an epic bada55 hero on the seas who sacved kids dads liffe and they became friends

then the chick and oli come in and captain says how oli saved his life

then the fam sit in a chair together

the end

that was pretty good

nice acting and effects

good story

good twists

nice work on the sea scenes

they built larger boats for this instead of miniatures and it holds up

nowadays they'd change a lot as it might be triggering to some, plus the mnain guy is alsio kinda the main villian with him going around killing Christians


for the sea haWK 2 I WANT THE UNCLE TO realize the oliver has betrayed him and he declares war on england to get him back to remove his limbs and let pigs butt hammer him as punishment, but the oliver and his now teen son are in the navy and battle against em in naval combat. Also its a 16 bit Srpg like Shining Force but on water and you command ships instead of people. its on sega genesis, snes, tg16, gba and atarui jaguar.

No comments:

Post a Comment