Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Apache Review

 Note: I spell cow boy style


This is my review on Apache from the distant fiture year of 1954

its based on a book callles broncho apache by Paul Wellman and is directed by  Robert Aldrich who did Sodom and Gomorrah (1962)What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962)4 for Texas (1963)Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte (1964)The Flight of the Phoenix (1965) and The Dirty Dozen (1967)

It starts Burn Lancaster, John McIntire from The Fox and the Hound, Charles Bronson, John Dehner from Cast A Long Shadow, Paul Guilfoyle from The North Star, Walter Sande from Cirizen Kane, Morris Ankrum from From the Earth to the Moon, Monte Blue from Birth Of A Nation, and some 1800s dudes i never saw in anything

i never saw this b4 but heartd its good

so its in color but widescreen

after opening credits to dramatic music, then text saying in 1886 after the fall of geronimo, there was the last apache wsarroir

some indians walk to a buncha cowboys but burt comes in and does a j fk to pick one off and a fight breaks out

he tells his woman he'd rather die than be enslasved by the gov and fights guys but is beat out and caught

the captor dont wanna kill him cuz he wants a warriors death and it would inspire his men to have an uprising

he's arrested and taken away and they are sent to florida where they are bummed about thewir old lifestyle ending like its the same as being dead

It this why Samurai did Seppuku?

when burt drinks, a girl gives him a knife but he throws it down when spotted

then we got a montage of the train moving across a map

a photographer gets a photo of geronimo and they cover the chains to keeep the people from knowing of it

they open a wndow and burt escapes when the flash powder goes off and breaks his chains on the train wheels

he steals corn and a hat from a scarecrow and montages around for a bit

latter hes in a night town and a cart with a fire on it runs through and people are spastic

hes a stranger in a strange land and dont fit in

he sees the advancements of 1800s America and is confuseed by em

a player piano? witchcraft!


use your ninja powers!

This isn't naruto!

he jumps off a roof and esacapes into the darl

well, maybe he IS a Ninja

so he later goes on and is in a barn eating corn and a guy comes in

he beats him out but the guy is indian so hew dont finish him

burt dont like the guys house cuz its a White Man House (Racvist!!) bit this guy  sez its his

beat guy sez he's grown to live in peace with the Whites and burt is disgruntled by it

For him this must be like the people who saw humans being ok with Invid in Robotech

at night he trys to go out in the snow bit beat guy gives him seeds to grow

burt sez his kind are warriors not farmers but beat guy sez by adapting you can survive

burt goees out but comes back for the xseed and releaves

so he goes on and eats the dseedsand climbs a tall rock thing

he comes acrosss Americans overseeing people working on the road

Bronson is Hondo and works for the military like in FMA and  likes a chick

he gives her booze and her dad is glad hes a real man and gets the booze

then thery see burt in a tent and are surprised he got away from being shipped off

he hatews hondo and serz their people has no pride

thats a dog whistle

he wants his people to be like the cherokoo and grow corn enev if its womans work

so burt sleeps and is woker up  by being shackled at gunpoint

the gf's dad, the cheif, sold him out

then he goes and cuts the daughter loose as he tied her so she wouldnt save burt

so she goes to the army base and tellls em what burt said about the cherokee and corn

her dad's f'd opn liquor and she wants to have burt train them

the army guys talk about if they should let burt do it and they doont wanna

1 guy sez to send him on a train to Confederate Florida to be eaten by Florida Man

later the Americans have burt chained to a tree like hes b0ning it and 1 guy sez they should take the leg irons off his so he can walk

another sez to wipe em all out

laater they get to a place and let the indians out and take off the lerg irons and have em walk behind the carrt

1 runs and they j fk him but burt flips the cart and uses his gun to waste the other guy, then choaks him out

the guys he saved wanna help him but burt sez he has no friends and as his kind queered out,m he's doing a 1 man war like Arnold or Stallone

so the army comes by and burt jumps off the same rck from the start of the film and jacks a horse then cuts a telegraf line

so he causes havoc over the next few days like Mel Gibson in The Patriot and has gorilla war

1 guy comes back all f'd out as i guess he saw burt skinning the guys he was with

he goes in and hells the army it was burt and a sniper j fks him

if this wewre made today he'ds have a charge surgically implanted him him and after he told em, he'd blow apart into chunks

so a fire is started at the base and in the chaos control, burt frees the horses

cheif is bummed burt plugg is back and he sneaks outta the shadows like a ninja and captures daughter

later bronson hondo and the army track burt reynolds and the chick

then its day and burt and girl are on horse

he sends the horse off and sweps their tracks and has her stewp where he steps or he'd ice her

he rides her rough and ties her  up to a tree just so she can't reach the water and leaves

i thought they'd fall inn love

so he goes off and starts a fire in a wagion and it blows at night, then returns to the lake and frees her and lets her driink

they go off and eventually she tells him she never wanted to surrender and wanted him to be cheif and wanted to be iced when he was caught

but now he's full of hate and iss going to h-ll on his gee haaad

ssjhe sez to ice her if he wants but he slipped away like batman

so the Americans track her to where she is and they sneak around in case burt n cummings is there

burt comes back with a dead deer and she warns him and he takes 1 out and sends a horse to have them follow it

later they eat rabbit and he sez "its up to me do decide if its big or small" when she sez its small

so it identifies as big?

she goes on about how his anger is a gun and shes going with him

he beats her out with a stick and takes her shoes and goos oof

but shes stull crawling after him like a worm on her body

he hugs her and carrus her back and tends to her

they have a moment and grow closer talking about how women poop out kids

he goes on about how hes gonna kill everyone til they kill him (What a positive main character!) and they kiss

so brondo finds evidence they married and is gonna ice him to get her

meanwhile, burt young and chick play around in a g rated way as they canty have b0ning in a 50s movie

she still has the seeds and shes preggo with his kid

this seems kinda like spartacus

they hear a gunshot and its a deer hunter and they book it

he wants to send her back to the reservation for his kid to be safe

later they are in a cabin and its winter

he almost cauight a deer but it got away

he dont wanna stop fighting and wants his kid to be the last real apache after he gets iced

this is seeming like The Outlaw and His Wife by  Victor Seastrom

she wants a life with hium but he;s  too bitter and malcintent to be normal

huh, this wwas based on a true story, and the real guy went around b0ning and stealing and killing like a violence jacjk charcter or new york protester

so the army talks about letting burt and urnie go but 1 guy wants to keep trying

at da cabin, burt is gonna leave soon but chick sees the corn he threw out the window has started to grow

he dont wanna and later she digs a ground for planting corn she shoplifted from a store across the area

they make a plow and her's the ox a55 and they do the soil asnd plants da korn

later in a store the owner and a guy talk about how an indfian uprising is happening and when jhe hears shopkeeps seed korn gut jackedm, he sends word to his base

later back door burt is hunting deer without a license and sees troops comming

he races back to his cabin and his womans having issues

he sez the army will see the corn and hewsa not leaVING AS HES NOT A WARRIOR AND wont leave her

Then he gowsa rambo and has a gorilla fight with them while not wearing a shirt

he berserkly runs iun guins blazing, jumps em, fights em, runsd, gets capped, and hides in ther corn

they got him surrounded and 1 guy goes in the corn aND SNEAKS AROUND

burt leaves tracks and back tracks and when thre army guy goes in, he throws his gun and army guy shoots

he fights him and is gonna ice him but hears baby crys and hypnoticallyt walks out 

1 American sez he grew corn, the 1st for an apache, and now the wars over

burt walks back inside with a bullet in him

the end

that was pretty good

although the studio changed the ending where he bites it in the book

which is ironic as unuted artists was founded when D W Griffith and friends wanted to make their own films the studio wouldn't interfere with

like how He made Broken Blossoms and the studio head didn't like ho everyone dies in it

but this was well done

good msuic and action and style

good color and feel

good story and its a historical film

i like 1800s films and this was pretty good

burt did a good job being kinda Spartacus but less gay

For Apache 2 I want it to be the 1910s and ww1 is gonna happen and his son is considering joining the fight for americas but thinks the germans are being treated bad and his dad gets him to join the germans to fight the brits and frenchies by sendign them data from Brittish bases using his Apache ninja skills. Also its  an 8 bit Ninja game like Shinobi on Sega Master System and Game Gear, Nes and Gamer Boy, TG16, Arati 7800 and Lynx where you play as they son and get through levels fighting brits and genetic abominations made by their daemon worshiup experimentrs yto devolve the irish to be subservient to them

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