Tuesday, September 21, 2021

The Affairs Of Cellini Review

 Note: I spelll, I TA LI AN O!!

The Affairs Of Cellini

This is my review on the affairs of cellini from the distant future year of 1934

its based on the italian stasllion Benito Mussolinni I mean Benvenuto Cellini who they made a Classics Illustrated comic book of

I never saw this b4 and don;t recall the comic but imma goive this a shot

its dirfected by Gregory La Cava who did The Gay defender, half a bride, his nibs,, paradise for two, feel my pulse, the age of consent, the half naked truth, private worlds, My Man Godfrey,  and one touch of venus

most of these sound like p0rm0es

its got Constance Bennett from Son of the gods, Fredric March from the 30s  Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Frank Morgan from The Wizard Of Oz, Fay Wray from King Kong, Vince Barnett from Scarface, Louis Calhern from 20,000 Years in Sing Sing, Paul Harvey from The Ten Commandments, Jack Rutherford from Cult of the Cobra, and some 1900s and 1800s dudes I never heard of

So after fancy credits we get text saying its the 1500s (or 1700s, whichever one the 16th centrueyt is, i think 1`500s) in florence where theses a lot or coruption like soviet califortnia

but also is art and romance and the leader is alessanfdrop de mewdici, a relatyive of chronos de medici from yugioh gx, who rules as the evil regent like its gaye olde elglande

he's being read a list of people to be executed i think and hears 1 is a borja

he can't execute him as,m like england, they are above da law and he has a weiord food fetish thging like in interzone done

eggs under pits, salt on his feet thats licked off by goats, and ears removed

is this where the human centiupede guy got it?

maybe a serbian film

so then they gotta deal with venvinuto cellini killing people and 1 guy has it in for benny as bernny trumped him b4

then this blonde cchick with b00b jewlery comes in a black drsss and wants her gold service plaTES AS the dutchess of milan is comming and benny is making em and late

the regent dismisses the council and blonde sez he should have made benny work at blade point

trumped guy sez benny did worse than killing people (Which i guess means butt b0ning as they can't say it cxuz this is a 30s fikm)

the regent is called to say sorry to this emmisary (of chaos??) of venice and e o v comes in with a girl

she sez one night she was fantasizing of getting a bf and cellini came over the wall as he was running from some guys

he looked in her eyes and hypnotised her and read a sexy poemn from a gold and jewel book and she blacked out

but she don't wanna press charges and liked being b0ned by him

blonde wonders how thisa gross italiabno b0ned that chick as this was made before roon jeremy

but trumped guy sez thats bennys apprentice

I guess he works under him as a partner

the regent figgers they gotta strong him up but blonde wants to spare him until he finishes the gold plates

like the golden disk from beast wars?

then a guy comers in saying the regents nephew is in bed with 2 nose leaches to reduce swelling as he got beat up by a guy he badmouthed and was forcefed 2 live flies

and it was benny who did it!

the regent wants benny iced for laying hands on his kind and goes to his place in armor and sword

benny has made kind of a lair that can be entered from above and a guy comes in and tells him to lock da front door

wait, the guy making the plates is the assistent and this guy who came in is benny

he b---ches about how he force fed a  de midicii fl;ies and shanked a guy in da neck

the plates his slave made aare cr-ppy so benny throws em in the oven to melt

then goes to this chick in his bed and sez he's gonna b00ne her tomorrow

shes gonna go but, wait, if he's gonna make this thing hes gonna make for her

she made this lace and he just wants toi b0ne her and sez tiomorrow he's gonna be strung up

she don't consent and this hag comes in to bring her home and benny and hag bnicker

she wants money from him and they barter and  the regent comes by so he puts em in the back

he looks busy making gold sh-t and fakes being nice to em

regent b--ches at him for his atrack on nephew and he sucks up to regent

regent is gonna string him up but regent remembers benny owes him plates and a chalice

then the chick comes out saying "if ur gonna hang him, me and mom wanna leave" and benny sez shes the reason he beat up nephew and benny was gonna give her to him

regenbt falls for it and sends his goons out and flirts with chick

chick is onto him but benny twists her words to make regent look good

then mom wants chick but chick dont wanna but laRRY hag mom wants her to go

regent arranges to haVE chick brought over to be his butt slave and benny tries but can'tr stop it

benny b--ches bout it and trumped guy i think comes back with a handkercheif and benny sez he left it with a hot fat chick

trumped guy pulls a blade on him and benny sez if trumped guy wastes him, then the regent wiill execute him

so trumped guy brinmgs in so,me homies to bust up benny and books it

benny swordfights em and we get a decent swashbuckling foght

its like errol flunn or douglas fairbanks or something

good clean violence

benny goes after a guy with a hot poker and brands him but blopnde i think comes in meets benny

she comments on him killing people and going after chix and i guess the thugs are done so they went home

she sez dont hypnotize her, he sez he wouldnt then she's b--chy that sheisn't worth trying to b0ne

she drops an item for him to bring her and makes him do it and bosses him around to tell the truth cuz hjes the dutchess

she offers him to majke a duplicaTE key for her balcony in gold andfor him to bring it to her

and regent is gonna be in another place then

she books it and he makes the key

later regent is having dinner with chick and wants her to be his bimbo and she don't get he's into her

they eat peacock tongues and he has her call him bumpy in private and the guards there the regent had deafened as he's evil

blonde returns and finds regent didn't go to the other place as "he has gout"

regent hears blonde came by and he hides her on the balcony

she comes in thinking the romantic dinner is for her

wjhat is this guy? j fk?\

she's onto him but don;'t let on and sends him to bed

thebn benito comes by and goes across like Ryu from Ninja Gaiden and in the comes in da window to the blionde

he sez he iced a buncxha guards to get to her and she sdz regent is here

he covers his fear saying its honor and she goes on about chick cr-p

regent sneaks around and she wants the key but he walks to the fdoor at her like hes gonna butt hammer her

he slaps her and she blacks out but wakes up when regent knocks over a thing

regent is sneaking aROUND WITH CHICK AND HIDES HER OUTSIODE And f u caps lock

benny escappes and meets chick 

regent fakes sleepwalking and she goes to make a sleeping potion

benny and chick try to escape and regent trys to find chick but blonde finds him and he fake goes to bed

btw this is on proper fullscreen and is nice b/w

they look for their partners and later in benny hideawayu in the hills , he brings chick

he calls it paradice and she sez its a du,p

itrs fill of sheep but he sez they;'re princes turned by magic

she don;'t buy it and i guess he wanted her to b0ne the sheep

she regrets ditching da duke(regent ) and he goes on about making good art

she wants food and thety bvicker and she whines of trusting him and he sez he's gonna go back and get strung up as its better than being with her

so the regent puts up a reward for benny and benny goes to town in disguise like the scarlet pimperenell and finds his minion slave dude

he goes to the blondes place who's talking with her femal;e slaves about her captain of the guards being cool

she sends em away and talks with benny but is kinda b--chy about last night

its only been 1 day?!

but he got a buncha wanted posters and sh-t!

she wantsd his key and he sucks up to her and is about to go but goes back to tell "the truth"

he sez he had to gocuz soldiers came for him and wasted tyhe soldiers in an epic battle

she dont' care and dont mind him egtting iced and he offers her a chance to wack him with his own blade

he gets a plate as she wanted his head on a platter and leans opver it and reads emo necro goth poetry about biting it being sexy

ther captain of the guards comes by and she's fallen for him and wants him to read for her more

she has him bring her a jar of rose leafs and she sez its got the heart of a guy she liked

man that;'s kinda evil

what next? ritual sacrifiice?

so the guards find a guard who wasd shanked and look for benny and blonde sends him to the dukes area so they won't look for him

kinda like in robotech how lancer is a wanted man but fakes being a female singer

then trumped guy gets benny at gunpoint and brings him to the torture room

There's people preserved after being chopped up like Griffith in Berserk

regen comes down and is gonna string him up and the rope gets caught

blonde comes in and tells the guards tro leave and sez its cuz its a secret

trumped guy sez benny was gonna steal something from regent and regent trys to shut him up

she sez she wanted benny iced but the people will rebel if they keep hanging people

and with a celeb being iced its too much

regent falls for it and and lets bennito go but vows to hang him later

he wants to know where chick went and he tells him that chick wants him in this hill top zone

he ran off with hwer to save the regent from the blonde and regent believes him

regent wants benny to bring chick over or he'd string him up

later theres a gathering and the duke and dutchess of milan are there and benito is popular all over pre mussolini italy

benito and chick are there and she's p-ssed at him

she waves at regent and he sez its bennys model

i guess she's a bimbo and don't get the cover, but regfent don't get how blonde is into benny

she's p-ssed he brought the chick and he sez its cover to avoid supicion

she wants her got rid of and i guess its too soon to sacrifice her and benito tells regentg to get blonde to not  be mental over chick

he trys to get her not to suspect chick and he tells her cjick and benito are gonna be married

but he;'s not a virgin!!

blonde confronts benito about it and regent reveals chick is benitos gf and he cant explain himself

chick comes over and blonde sez its gonna be a wedding pheast for them and they have dinner

regent gives a lot of food to chick as i guess he likes fat chicks

1 cake is made like a chick in a dress and blkonde saws off its head and offers it to benito

regent offers necklaces to the ladies, but eats it as its candy

benito is uneasy about blonde and blonde implies she's gonna have him wacked

regent sexz these gypsy dancers are gonna do the dance of death and they come in and prance with danny elfman tim burton ahhhhhh sounds

blonde gets this guy who looks the Der Golem to get wine and poison it for benito

she sez benito wants to toast his bvride and he he goes on with it and chuggs it

he keels over and she regrets it saying she loves him and regent clears the area

regent b--ches at her andf she b--ches back and regentr sez he has a witness here

witness bites it and it turns out beninto is ok

i think it weas trumped guy who got it and chick calls regent bumpy and blonde figgures it out

he backs off as both have dirt on each other and blonde sez she's going off with benito to work on a new project

and i think its b0ning

the end

that was kindfa good

its only like 80 mins and has some good 30s wit and charm

its like starship troopers with a lot of dark themes under a sunny surface

the actors do a greart job and its a nice lite comedy

no onscreen lust or violence, but its implied in a way that kids won't get, but adults will

like Batman TAS or Animaniacs or Robotech

It starts a bit slow but picks up and gewts better quite a bit

Glad I saw this

Its pretty good

For The Affairs Of Cellini 2 I want the Duke to commision a gold golem with Celinni and a Rabbi and they make this battle Golen to go around enforcing the will of him over the people, but seeing the error of his ways, the Rabbi uses his magic to break the Golems bond to the Duke and its free will kicks in and it goes to end the duke's reign of evil. Its also an 8 bit Action game on Game Boy, Nes, Master System, Game Gear, Atarim Lynx and 7800 and TG16 where you play as The Golden Golen and fight the dukes forces with various gadgets built in the bodsy and in the end, the duke ritual sacrifices his women and devolves into a grotesque aboomination as thee boss

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