Cocktail Review

 note; I speell drunk but never drink

Cocktail

This is my revierw on cocktail from the didtasnt fuiturte year (to erich voin stroheim) of 1988(10 years beofre the globasl ciovil war in robotech)

its fddirected by Roger Donaldson who did species 01

it stars Tom Cruise from The Outsiders/Risky Business/Top Gun/Rain Man/A Few Good Men/Interview with the Vampire\Mission: Impossible\Minority Report\Minority Report\Minority Report\Oblivion, Bryan Brown from gortillas in the mist\Grizzly Falls, Elisabeth Shue from The Karate Kid\Adventures in Babysitting\Back to the Future Part 02 and 03/City of Angels\Hollow Man, Lisa Banes from Dragonfly/freedom writers/a curte for wellness/svu, Laurence Luckinbill from star trek 05 as spocks bro, Kelly Lynch from charlies angels the 00 movie and not the cr-ppy feminist one from the 2020s/10s/whatever, Gina Gershon from pretty in pink/Spider-Man: The New Animated Series/Tripping the Rift/The Batman/Family Guy/American Dad, Ron Dean from the west wing/The Dark Knight/The Fugitive/The Breakfast Club\Risky Business, Ellen Foley from law and order.ghostwriter, Gerry Bamman from home alone 01 and 02\The Bodyguard\Great Expectations/Law & Order/SVU, Paul Benedict fromJeremiah Johnson/Jeremiah Johnson/sesame street, and a fre i never heard of or saw in things

i never saw this but reviews said it s-cxked

soo it starts with really 80s neon credits and 80s msuic and these guys driving in a cop car and puilling a bus over thhen dropping tom on it to go off

its a greyhouse bus? hope no one bets posessed and eats anyone like in soviet canada

so tommy goes to soviet new york amd tells a baby hes gonna ;live in the towrs before the gov did em

so he reunites with a geezer oh its his uncle ands he works at a bar and talks with him about how he needs a job but he doint wanna "fall into the traP" LIKE POISON IN FINAL FIGHT??

wait hes not working at the bar and has to pay 1 $ for a beer and he was sewrving his country and is back, is this top gun 2 the 1st one?

so he goes around soviet new york wanting work but they wanty a degree as it shows he's able to repeat what THEY tell him and not thiunk for himself

he's gonna have to get intpo p0rn0

so he goes to a bar and asks for a job and the guy asks if he knows how to mix drinks and handle drunks and punks and he sez he can learn

then we hear ex queer little richards song tooty froory as tom strtuggles with his thing of making drinks and the bar head does is bada55ly

1 after another yell drinks to be made for them as iif he can remember each one and do em all in a row

after the dsay this blonde gives him money as he gets stuff from ewaitresses and hes given the job

so then he goes to college to learn cr-p and learns bartending tricks from hisa boss and at work does flips with the bottles

boss sez he can make it big but tom wants to do more than bartending

So for college hsi professor who looks like chrostop[her lee but i think is spocks brother gives em an assignment to write his obrtitary and he sez he was a billionare whos 18 year old woman cant come from being b0ned too much and he was 99

in class another ay tom falls asleep in class and proff yells him awayke

at the bar hes playing addicted to love and turns off the radio at times so the people sing it

In class the teacher rags on the stutends and when tom defends them,  the tearcher rags on him and when he tells him hes hiding in as school to avcoid the real weorld, teacher ses hes gonna givbe him an F, which you could repoort him over

at da bar tom dumps on the teacher and boss tells him they can make it and taskes him out drinking and they sinfg loud in new york at night, which is where peoiple probably get mugged or iced or b0ned dead

boss falls down stairs and is ok but in real life he;'d have a brain damage and bite it hours later like kaneto shiozawa

the next day they talk and decide to start a thing as partners but boss gets more of the percentage

later its night and they do a performancer of dancing and mizijng drinks and a guy says he wants em to kmake em famous and they put on a great show

later at the cell block or w/e this club or bar, this guy does athing of being a yuppie and tom and bposs are working thereAS BARTENDERS

Tomgives a dolemite like rhyme about drinks then does a performance of maixng drinks with shaking his arms like hes j-rkin off

1 chick gets a pohoto of tom and later is b0ning tom as he comes up not for air but liquor

later its day and they watch wwf and tom wants to raise 70 000 $ to make their own bar and go to jamacia and does an accennt and they dont gotta declare income as they cheat the gov

latewr tim is t5talking with boss and playiong basketball asn this isnt the room and they dotn got foortball in soviet new yuork and often spread aids

tioom is into a girl called coral liek sango from inuyasha and he bets tom that ttom and coral wont last

at work in the cell block he sees boss smooching a chick and iu think its colar and she ses tom shouldnt have told of his secks life

tom confronts boss over coral and he sez he did him a favor and tom slugs him and boss pulls a broken bottle on him

tom sez "do it" and boss sez "you'll thank me for this later"

tom thrusts forwars on the bottle and destroyes his beck as a way to get back at him and have him arrested for killing someone in nerw york as any killing even in self defence is a capiotal offense, unless ur a homie or gaijin and get away with it

jk relly he goes out and then is insoviet jamacia which has high crime ands violence and dfrugs lie new york

at this bar, thic chick brings tom to help her friend who blackedd out and tom checks her outn and gets help and dshes ok

so tom grows closer to the chick and the boss comes by soviet jkamacia and sits next to chick and talks to tom and sez its 3 years since they were togetehr

boss sez he taught tom everything he knows and is aware of tom having a book by the bar as he thinks he can make it

boss sez he married a woman and at night tom and chick grow closer and she sez she sewnsded shed meet someone importent

tom seems not too trusting and thinks boss might seduce her but she sez shes not like other women and he sez hes not like toher men

nowadays thats a springer ep

homie: yo  Rikki! she ma gurl friendfQ she ainty sposta be having no p== ness!

so tom grows closwer to her asnd we get an island msuic montage to them having fun and bnot b0ning

later shes drawing and she want sto be an airtist and is waiting tables to keep it up and he gets a look at art of him and they playfully fight and she bumps his face

imagine if she hit him in the maN THING AND HE NEEDED HER TO KISS IT BETTER?

later they are in a waterfall and they get nude and make out and then its night and they are still making out like its tommy wiseau

they talk of maybe havign kids and gettiing married

later boss and talk bicker over their women and bosses woman going around half naked and boss says he can swindle rich chciks outta their cash

vboss bets tom he cant do well with thuis rich chickwith bad frizzy hairand hetries to seduce her and f'd out

she calls him back and when toms chick comes by he sees tom with the bad ahirt chick and is bummed

she cant take it and pulls out a katana and scomits seppuku and pulls oput her guts and syasd "you didf this tom" on the beach

jk

then its day and tom is in bed with the bad hair chick aND IS PROBABLY GONNA GET THE AIDS AS THIS IS THE 80S AND OLDER LADIES ARE OFTEN WITH A LOT OF GUYS

get f'd caps lock! get f;'d like that chcik toim b0ned!

so tim finds that the chick left back to spoviet new ytork and he goers back to his sheck and the bad hjair chick scoems by

she wants him and is into him adn this is what happens whren you b0ne outsioode of reral mairagge and love

we're human beings! not animals! act like it!

riki-oh guy; if i called YOU humans i'd have to do the same to the rats and cockroaches!

later boss wants to work with tom to go back to new york and tom wants to go back to there with the bad hair chcik as her kept man or indentured servant

boss vbets tokm  he'd he working for him by St Patricks Day pover a 500 $ of brandy and tom accepts

later its soviet new sodom new yorka dn hes living weith that bad ahir chick and shes doign dancercize and runs a company and she wont help him get in her business as hes too young and shes a cougar

so later hes wandering the new york and sees the bar his real gf is at and sees her but goes off and later its night and he and bad ahir with less bad hair in this scene go by some party or w/e

its an art thign and he mocks the artist who slugs hiim in the face but he beats the artist out and into his art

outside, bytw tyhis is widescren but in color ,adn she wants him to say sorry for being a c-ck sucker but he mouths off to her and she slaps him

he had enought of her cr-p like its a seinfeld ep and leaves her and she walks off with all his cr-p at her place and she p[robably wopnt let him back

so tom comes by chicks bar and she is a waitress and he wont leave so she goes back to work and gets the specials and dumps it on jhim(and its not kosher!!)

thisd is some power rangers style humor

so hours later  hes outsdie with perfect hair afetr the fgood was in it and gets her to let him into her place and its an art studio and has paintings on it

she asks why he b0ned that chick and he sez how he b0ned her as his friend bet he couldnt and she she asks how she felt, he sez she was coming on too fast and he got spooked

she ses shes pregneant from b0ning him a lot and sends him otu and sez it wont interfere with him making a million but rthrn breaks down and  sez its the best way to get him outta his life

tom goes out and she crys as shes hromonal and is probably gonna get really fat from the baby in her a55

tomgoes to see his uncle and sez hes gonna be a father, but he already IS a FATHER AS the baby is in her

uncle sez to ditch his woman and unborn child and tom sez he cares of her

tom goes to see her and thisn janitrpopr or h--ker sez shes at her rents place at soviet park avenue

So he goes to hger place and its a hotel or w/.e and is let up and sees her dad

dad is p-ssed at him for b0ning his little girla nd making her unhappy and dont wanna see him

he tries to pay him outta her life and he dont weant it and dad sez he dont weant a bartender to be her man

chick comes in and he treis to explain himself and she sez she dont want a man as her baby daddy whos not gonna be around in a year

she never told him shes rich as he cares more about money and wanted to know if he'd like the resal her

he rips up the 10 000 $ check and walsk out aftrer a speech and later goies to a bar with boss who is glad to see him

so boss is outta money and knew nothing of business like electricians and building codes and planning and is f'd

he pulls out a shotgun and says "this is one only way out" and puts it in his mouth and tom yells "noooo!" as he blows his head apart

jk thats species and boss's woman comes in and wants to go home

tom brings boss and woman home and she has him bring her up and theres tense msuic

she pulls pout a needle and sticks tom aND WHEN HE WAKES UP HES CHAINED TO A TABLE AND his body is surgically opened up with hjis organs out but not disconnacted and his arms/legs are shredded

jk really she trteisd to seduce him and makes out with him but hes not into this as shes a woman whos married to his best frtiend

she calls him a candya55 and he leaves and she dont weanna be only b0ning 1 guy the rest of her life, which is how aids spreads

tom goews back tomthe houseboat and finds boss dead witrh a slit throat and calls das cops

adn this isn not one of my jokes, hes actually iced

tom is in the seinfeld diner and theres a serveice thats a f--kin p-sser according to sengoku in cyber city oedo 808

later tom gets a suicide noter saying "to my dearest brian" and goes on about being bummed and how hes gonna miss his conversations with him and at least he gets the last word from h-ll

also ignore all myn other advice and berry the dead b4 they stink it up

looking back, the scene where toim had a brioken bottle to his newck and wanting boss to end him was a forewshadowing of this

later tom goes to see his chicjk but the guard tells him hes not to come in and tom fakes him out and runs to the chick

he tells her he madse a deal with his uncle and can turn it into something great asnd howe boss iced himself as he was too proud and didnt ask for help

the goons and dad come in and tell him to get out and she goes with him and dad sez if she goes with him, dont come back

tom beats out the guard or doorman or receptionist and they go off togetehr AND GET MARRIED AND  sher sez shes gonna get really fat and he's gonnZA love it and i guessi its gonna go like the learning channel with the huge chciks

laster tonm has his own bar and his woman is pregannt and he gives a poem to his unborn child about being an irish even thoguh toms a german(leprreachaun face!)

if its a son he'd hel;p him lkead the bar that is in every mall and if its a chick then he'snot let it marry a guy like him, but hes gonna be the best dad

then she tells him she's havign twisns and i guess it will be arnlod scwarzenegger and danny devito

the end

that was kinda good

entertaining, a bit sappy and cheesy, but it had heasrt

i liked the msui and style and colors

the acting wasnt bad

shows the danger of b0nign a lot

shows both sides of the college thing on how both extremes of anti school and only school have downsides

knda like beast machines shopping onbly tech and anti tech as both bad

or beign full feminist oir fuill mus lim

its got that 80s style and a decent romance aND ITS USUALY THE GIRL WHOS HIGH STATRUS AND THE GUY WHOS below her

althought theres the monvies of the chicks wanting the prince like dragon half or all those disney things

but i liked this, its not going to change the world, jo netsu taia sazu ni, takamaru miraie tewono vaseva kahaya geta hazu se, its wonder land

but it entertains and has a nice story and doesnt really drag and has some surprised

for cocktail 2 i want it to be the 00 and toms twin daughters are against liquor as they saw too manyt people die of ddiction and the damage it does, So they try to convince Tom to turn from his bartending ways but he won't listen as he's an irish, So they go around talking to the victims of alcohol and put together a video to show the dangers of liquor to win him over, Also its a 32/64 bit game like snatcher on Sega Saturn, N64, ps1 and 3DS0 where you play as the daughters and intterview people and see the dAMAGE booze does and collect the info, then make a video prersentatioon outta it and at the end if you did it well enough, Tom quits the booze business and gets into naecro p0rn0 as you don't get aids or pregnancy from corpses, Also are fight scenes whewre these junkiers and degenerates in new york attack and you gotta ice em or they give you aids, also there's street fighter boss fights where you take on the junkies and devolved.