Land Shark Review

 Note: I spell like this movie, w/o l;ogic

Land Shark

This is my review on Land Shark from the distant future year (to Chris Latta) of 2017 (The year of the Malcontent Upsisings in Robotech)

Its directed by Mark Polonia who did a lot of cr-ppy direct to video movies I'd love to see

It stars no one I've seen in anything and is a cr-ppy little direct to video shark movie that I never saw b4 and gets bad reviews, but I'd probably love as I like silly cr-p like this

Its not even on back door candsy a55 beta male soy boy wiener cleaner gender offender hippie vegan peta stoner tree kung fu based on lants aids bag soviet wikipedia

So after some 80s style logos we get an amusement park and town by the sea were this bikini chick goes by seagulls and has an arm tattoo

eventually she, wait, this is daylight and tinted to look night but not much

so she goes in the sea ands drops a bottle but sees something and goes backl and lays on the sand as this shark fin goes across the land andwe see the monsters p o v

eentually it drops goo on her and rips her up offscreen andgoes back to the sea

then title and credits like done in a cheap editing program

then its actual night and this sea captain but not like the simpsons and his crew member pull up a net and find its gone and the fish are gone from days ago

we see the monsters p o v and it gets the captain then his member comes out and fires at it with a gun but is eated

then its the malco research faculity, like malcontent?, off the coast of the soviet republic of california, and people in full bio suits and putting goo in things are workimg on something

a blonde sees a shark and notices something is wrong and callsthis dr foster like in Ninja Gaiden and tells him the shark numbers decrease in multiples of 2

he comes down and sez its a glitch as charks cant come and go from there and this work can benifit mankind, but he sez huan kid like a beta male or frenchie

foster calls a hag whos kinda b--xhy and was his ex i think ans sez  how da sharks left the tank and returned but she gets b--chy over not being told

He sez they crawled outta the tank and retured and can stand 20 mins out of water and it might be a new super predator, but hag sez its her funding that made it. After hangng up he sez its his hard work and he injects himself wirh goo

later blondelooks at sharks and counts em but she looks like a bimbo but with tied hair and glasses to fake being a nerd

he calls foster and sez she counted and found 1 is missing and he se he has it in his lab and its right there moving its fin in a tank

at this concrete floor ad hard hat worker place a guy works a dial and checks his phone and eventually a shark gets him

blone trys calling and the phone f's out and the shark thing goes through the sea and on land and this bimbo and her butt buddy are out in the wasteland for a photoshoot and she poses qwhile whining that guys online wanna see her bod like guys finding you hot is bad

after it she looks through the photoes and butt buddy wonders what this other guy does with photoes he takes of her and thinks hes j=rkin off

he goes to the van and the shark thing gets him and eventually bimbo comes by and gets to the car and the shark gets her and goes off somehow across land and back to da sea

blonde wants to find the maintence man to fix the phone and foster goes with her anbd they find the hard hat guy iced and foster puts a net over him and wont let her call the cops and wants her to clean it up or he'd black male her with dirt on her past and she consents

hag tells her to keep quiet on video phone and sez if she goes against em they'd ice her

foster sez he adapted sharks to function on land and use em for weapons and defence as living  weapons like cobra la in g i joe or jurassic world

she realizes thats why theres changes in the shark population in the tank and goes with it and goes back to looking at sharks and looking at a clip board

foster is having dreams of a cr-ppy monster like outta tattooed teenage alien fighters from beverly hills or maybe brats of the lost nebula andafter looking at the mirror and having flashes, akes up as its a dream in a dream

blonde seez theres three sharks out and fostercomes inand learns she cpuldnt sleep and he shos herhis serum and how he needs new test subjects

then he zaps the sharks and i think it ices em and she sez the missing ones will come back i mean not come back somehow knowing it

hag learns they iced the sharkls and blonde ares for em and sez they were planning to move soon but they need to waste the remaining aharks which have trappers i mean trackers

blonde laves and hag, whos a cr-ppy actor but it makes the movie more fun, sez he knows wat to do when they catch em

later foster gets a bag of erum and blonde takes a shower but we dont see her nips and  this thing is in her place and when she looks out of the shower theres nothing there and the thing is utside

in this pool at night this lusty couple is wearing sunglasses at night like cory hart or timmy wiseau and i mean tommy wiseau andthe shark thing gets the guy taking a selfie and then his chick

then its day on a boat and chik dont like being with foster on a boat and they go by the beach and amusment par from b4 and shes got thicc hips

she takes a tracker and goes to the beach and foster calls i think hag and she wanders around the areauntil shes under a pier andthen is driven in a car by foster following the signal

at this beach the shark fin is thee and she finds it in the mainland and this bum drinking from a paper bag and wearing jeans and a leather coat is walking around

blonde and foster come out but not like back door buce or manly brad and have some kinda flesh gordon blasters and look for it

bum fals over and saw something and when they come by the bum sez he saw the land shark and they dont buy it and he laughs

they go in this tunnel that people probably b0ne things in as its soviet california and foster wants to wait for it to return to the sea, but she sez the tunnels have water at times and it might be a while so the 2 othes miht do cr-p so they go in

on the other end of the tunnle the shark is behind em and on top of the tunnel and is cr-ppy ps1 cg but it a puppet in close ups

they hide and she takes off her coat to show a tank top and she zaps his foot to make him come out and when the shar sees it, they laser blast it dead wih blood holes

they burn the shark somehow and go back to the car and she sez da shark hates him more than her over a territory thing of riva sharks

they can't do anymore now despute it being daylight and they stop at a motel and on the news the bum sez he saw the land shark and 2 guys were dino might fishing and caught a shark they shot and the cops fined em for gun and aspolosidves permits as soviet california has no freedom

in the hotel toilet the foster injects the serum and has flashes of this power rangers thing and at night this chi in yellow and a skirt missed the train and the shark got her looking like a cr-ppy ray harryhausen puppret

he next day foster didnt sleep well and she notices he had a cut on his hand and asks why e got into science

he sez he loved the vast mysterious ocean and then saw jaws and she sez he's raeping nature and profiting off war andusing science for evil, but he sez so do un and car makers

she whines about evolutio, which is fake, and how sarks happened over millions of years and hes twisting em

actually, sharks aren't as violent as movies make em seen, but dolphins are like gacy meets dahmer with icing small animals for fun and b0ning people

she sez da little mermaid was her fave movie as a kid and now likes the ocean, but what about all the undersea daenons and ningen and yokai and cr-p?

so they rive on and we see the shark go by with a puppet and they go out on a dry grasslands like africa and hills like in power rangers

da bum is following em or in da area and when he asks a guy for money is told f u, but hes like, f me? f u!! and later p-sses but its on the shark who bites off hids parts then eats his gut open and hamberger meat guts come out bere he eats off his thighs like chicken

good cheesy low buget gre and humor

so blonde and the foster come by a house in the area and go in and its a mess and theres a hand on the floor like splatterhouse 2 and maybe three or 1

da shark comes by da home and eventually they wander around outsude and go to da woods but the scanner sez its by em and it tackles he in da womb area and bites his leg but leaves em and they try to go back to a house

da shark is behind e and they run as it somehow moves on land and they get in the house and beat it away and close da door

he wraps gause on her abs and ther no bruise and his legs not dat ba bit but theres black ooze in it and she dresses it

they go out and da shark is on da house somehow and jumps dow and the aim theur guns at it for a bit b4 firing but it books it

they chase it and the hunter is the huned and they dispure where it went and she sees the fin and they fire but its only a pile of rocks

theysee it get to the ater and fire at the river but it does jack sh-t and jack is j=rkin off on the floor

wait they capped it an it comes up butisnt dead ad attacks but dont get close t em so she fires at power lines andit aps the area and it asplodes in a fireball for some reason

So they got 1 left and foster wants to continue the experiment and they stop by a house and she goes to it and he wanders off

her detectot beeps and she wanders around looking for him andfinds him a bigt f;d, thinking its from the shark bite infection

foster sez the other shark was caught at a resort and knocks down her detector and reveals he experimented on himself with shark dna and devolved himself as a shark cant hold a weapon or drive a vehicle and he didnt tell anyone

then he spazzes out and devolves into a shark furry but not like the street sharks nd comes at her but not with his j-zz

her gun dont work and she runs and he chases her and i guess we forggot about his leg bite and he spastically goes around until he catches her and she grab his head and gets in his gills or w/e, which is a big weak point, and he bites it

so much for the utimate killing machine, stopped by some blonde j=rkin off his neck like hes turning into a d0ng

so he turns back to human mode andsez there were other exepirments and she shakes him with her thicc buns sticking out and has good acting and he bites it

then we see the beach and a shark fin the size of the pier its next to pops up and i'd assume that the water is ultra deep as the rest of the shark would be pretty huge

the end

that was pretty cheap and cr-ppy

i liked it

made for little, some stuff was fun, clearly not meant to be srs

its openly bad so its not trying to be Ben Hur or Gown With The Wind or The Ten Commandments

A silly cheesy shark movie

the acting was bad but it works for it, like shenmue or house of the dead in arcades

the music is that cr-ppy public domain things used by the bad power rangers when disney took over(and outcheaped saban)

the effects are kinda home made but i like em, it has charm

its the kinda movie you watch with ur drinking buddies and have a good laugh

I watched it on Youtube so it might have cut the nips or a55cracks but other than that, it was pretty solid

Plus the blonde hero chick showed some good acting at the end and the bum was pretty tongue in cheek

glad I saw this one, its silly and makes no sense, but its not trying to

And the shark effects were cheesy and fun

For Land Sahrk 2 I want the giga shark to have been revealed to be a land shark and be busting up soviet california like a kaiju. Then the blonde is told by an angel that theres a secret cave with ancient tech from before Noah's Flood and in it she finds a battle mech suit. She gets in it and fights the shark in an epic battle that busts up soviet california and all these junkies and cannibals see their chance and start going nuts thinking they got nothing to lose and start eating and b0ning people alive as california devolves into chaos. So after beating the shark, she sees claifornia is just as bad as the shark and starts wasting em. Also its a 128 bit game like that Godzilla one but on GameCube, Dreamcast, xbox and ps2 where you play as the chick in a mech armor or the shark or a buncha monsters made up for the game and fight through the claifornia and have mini games of wasting the malcontents in there.