Two For Texas Review

 Note: I spell texas style, manly and bada55 and American!

Two For Texas

This is my review on Two For Texas frm the distant future year of 1998 (The year of the global war in Robotech)

its directed by Rod Hardy who did eps of JAG and nothing i saw

it stars kris kristofferson from the remake of Stagecoach/Dolphin Tale/the blade movies/Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story/the 00s Planet of the Apes/The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock/Payback/Big Top Pee-wee, Scott Bairstow from the 00s The Twilight Zone/Party of Five/Touched by an Angel, Irene Bedard from Squanto: A Warrior's Tale/disneys Pocahontas/The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest/Roughnecks: Starship Troopers Chronicles/House of Mouse/The Spectacular Spider-Man. Tom Skerritt from M*A*S*H the movieHarold and Maude/Alien/The Dead Zone/Top Gun/Poltergeist III/Steel Magnolias/My Favorite Martian/The West Wing/Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/The Good Wife, occult commie Peter Coyote from E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial/Sphere/Patch Adams/Erin Brockovich/Behind Enemy Lines II: Axis of Evil/Law & Order: Criminal Intent/Law & Order: Los Angeles/Blue Bloods, Rodney A. Grant from Dances with Wolves/Geronimo: An American Legend/Wild, Wild West/Ghosts of Mars, Marco Rodríguez from Cobra/Frasier/The Crow/High School High/Seinfeld/JAG/Bully/Desperate Housewives, Julio Cesar Cedillo from Wishbone, not Fangbone, Rodger Boyce fron No Country for Old Men, and countless guys who aint on back door, cany a55, beta male, soy boy, aids bag, cripple nipple, soft parts, tinky winky, sodom bottom, don glover uso suki, frooty booty, gender offender, girly man, banana crammer wikipedia.

Its based on a book of the same name by James Lee Burke that I never read

in 1836 in louisianna we get credits with people chained as probably slavrs and heavy music with fllscreen and 90s color like that goosebumps ep with the kids in the bayou and the monster

this africanized man whips an Americanas blacks owned slaves too(and many still do)

in the swamp a snake wizzes a a gut and bites him and 1 guy sez to use chewin tobacco cuz it can suck the poison ot(get the mythbusters)

the ownersunchain the bit guy and leae him to de and 1 objects and is beat out for it and woke up in a cage abobe the swamp

then a recap of the guys life how he left tennessee and came to texas hoping to make it but santa anna took over and attacked bt The Honorable Sam Huston countered with Jim Bowie

then in the presentthey dump his cage in the water and he rises for a long breath after 4 seconds under water

after being taken back to the camp, kris advises him to not raise a fuss but kriss sez this isn't a normal place

they get sent out to get a stuck wagon out but when a swinging hing hts the slave driver he caps a guy and kriss takes him on and gets him chained with a block tackle

i think he iced him and the bullet missed his vitals and the three guys escape with kriss and main guy going together

this devolved loking frenchiewants em back and theygo off to join the texas army to get the aches of land they were promised

kris mac daddy r daddy mac was revealed he jacked hoses from andrew jacksons army as the soldiers were j=rkin off and they stop to get the bullet out

so in mexican occupied texas these guys go by some indians and wait its the heroes and they see a girl enslaved by em whos probably gonna be the love interest as EVERYthing tacks on rman ce

kris wants to trade horses but they see its army horsesand the leader of the indans has a smoke with kris but not main guy and then comes back saying he sold em so he could stay with em as going around texas in stolen horses is a bad idea

the slave girl was sold to the tribe for 2 horses as the red man were also big on slave owning, as pretty much all nations were, and shes stays with them now as the other men might wanna b0ne her

main guy dont like indians as his home was burned down by the res and his fam was iced by em with theyr heads cut and guts out

also the slave added dog meat as i guess this is pro korea

so at night kirs tries b0ning the slave girl but she fights hi off and he looks kinda like charles bronson

main guy cuts loose the rope on the slaves leg as she sez "those men who stole me" and tells her "i aint like them" like one of those gitls in a nyu yorke tunnel

so the next day they find the tribe has other idniasn steal for em and something about mexicans and thsi 1 who looks 5'2 wants to kow where they got the horses and when main guy mouths off kriss beats on hi m a dn sez hes a mon g0loid redneck and main guy goes with it

so it turns out its the mexicos that let thr tribe steal and keep what they want in exchainge for the horses and the mexicos go off with the horses

the frenchie owner meets with the meixocs an trive leader wants to get back at the mexicos for taking the horses they took from ohers

slave girl wants to go with em and shows em a gun she hid an gunpowder and the tribe wants to have it and the Americans can fight with knives instead of American Guns

so the indians do their sneaking aorund and shanking emfrom behind like a ninja instead of an honorable samurai and the Americans catch the mexico guards at gunpoint when 1 is p-ssing and tie em up instead of sending em to h e double soviet california

the indians wann ice em but the Americans stand their ground and the reds back off as they had knifes to this gunfight

the frenchies and mexicoeans attack and the horses scatter and kirs sez "dat fenchie aint got no quit in him" which is odd as the fench usually surrender like the cheese eating monkeys they are

the heroes escape  with a buncha horses and as they cross a river main guy's horse falls then runs but hes off and is dragged  but chick cuts the rope and wait its kris an he didnt know how to swim as he stands up after she saves him and the the river isnt even up to his waist

so as they go on the slave girl asks what the indians did that made him hate em andhe sez drunk shawnee iced his fam in tennessee and they have a light laugh at jokes of kris being beat with a stick after he triend b0ning her

she gets along well with him after that. what is this? Japan?

so kris goes off to buy cr-p and sh treats main guys wound saying she learned english after being taken by Americans and she was sold to other guys which surprizes him to find Americans did it and they grow closer

later kris comes back and tells his story of hanging with a gang who iced people like stepping on frogs, an i assume its frenchies and not the amphibian

then its day and some deolved looking guys claim to be hunting a deer and ask if they seen it and when told no, ask for food and get some coffee

these uys look like the inbred guys from deliverance so they are clearly evil

so later the trio is riding and the inbred guys come by looking like ghouls and the heroes cap em but the survuving one talks after kris is gonna scalp him

he reveals the frenchie put a bounty on em like one piece with less okama and when he sez he got this ear or w/e from a chick he b0ned the slave girl shanks him to h e double soviet australia

at night with a really bright night and they go to make out, but in the real version they were b0ning, wait, this is the real version

imagien if kirss woke up and was like "oh come on! I try and i get beat but u get to go all in?!"

so the next day kris sez she cant come ith em cuz they cant take her to the army and if the mexicans catch her she'd be b0ned

imagine if main guy said "is this cuz we b0ned?!" and kris sez"you b0ned?!"

kriss offers to tell her as "she'd take it better from me" which makes me ewann aedit the clip of him b0ning her after tha, but he tells her snd thinks hes like all other Americans and wants to come back after he gets the land but she dont buy it

later the duo is going on and the frenchie chases em and they escape to an Ameircan base and say "don't shoot We're Americans! Those guys are santa anna gun runners" and the frenchie escapes with his men

they meet general Sam Houston and tell them they escaped from prison and got a 200$ bounty on em and main guy sez he was wrongfully accused of stealing a womans puse and got a decade for it and kris iced a dink in a card game

jim bowie knows kris from b4 and are homies and after explaining they need land and a place to lay low with the bounty they join up

an night they tell stories and laugh and bowie is all f;d and he's got his big a55 knife like violence jack that he lets main guy see, whos name is son holland like son wukong or son goku, then bowie throws it like Joe Musashi in Shinobi and cuts a rope with it

later its day and jim said they needed to stop santa anna or he'd take over all of Texas and tthey needed to give Houston time to gather his troops

wow its 1 44 in with adds, that felt like nothing. also its a 2 hour movie on TNT but 2 and a half hours on Grit by adding an extra half hour of adds

so frenchie meets santa anna who he's been giving weapons to and is on a ranch he stole but sez liberated from a Texas guy, and santa anna sees really frooty

after training they hear that The Alamo is under seige and while they wanna save em but if they do, they'd lost the war and santa anna would take over Texas

Bowie was at the alamo and the heroes ran out to save em as if an army cant stop em, 2 guys in that army can

i mean if its the Contra guys yeah but thats the 2600s

so at whats left of the Alamo  its  a massacre and the sad part of the movie and son holland wukong attacks mexicans for picking the corpses but kris sez they are not soldiers but guys who do santa annas dirtywork

they come across a White Woman whos mad General Huston dint come sooner and shes got a kid and her husband got a hedshot like jfk to jfk 2 harambe aka jfk reloaded

she goes on about the horrors she sa of the Amerians chopped up and iced by raging mexicans like being at the boarder during biden

santa anna spared her to give Huston a letter and she showed em Bowie in the infirmary where hees dead and kirs is p-ssed for then wasting his friend

huh, like Houston, Bowie was a Catholic and slave owner

so they retun to the main forces and find the army is running and leading santa anna off, but kris and son holland pan and a thried guy stop to spy on santa anna as he's waiting around cuz hes b0ning a girl, or as kris keeps saying, p0king, and frenchie is there and kris sez now they can kill him and its not murder

So santa anna offers amnesty for Texans who surrender but that's not very American or Texan of them and its like asking a Japanese to be impolite or an irish to act like a highly evolved human being

Huston gives a speech and tells em Remember The Alamo like in Pee Wees Big Adventure not Big Top Pee Wee with Kriss Krisstofferson

I though Bowie fought a Sasquatch but got him mixed up with Davy Crockett

so the Americans attack now that santa anna's troops are low ki from all the chasing and not expecting an attack and they figre cannons that blow the ground and send guys flying like Power Rangers

so main guy rigs the bridge to blow and kris is gonna monkey knife fight frenchie like its the patriot with mel gibson, more like a cheese eating surrender monkey knife fight, as frenchie thinks kris iced his brother, but kris backs away and son hollend goten lights the bridge and it blows and i think sent the frenchie back to h-ll with his kind came from

so after the battle of 18 bins, they lost 9 men and 18 as wounded but took down hundreds of mexcoes and caught more, santa anna got away but some deer hunters, not the christopher walken movie, found him in a cave liek saddam and Huston accepts his surrender

son hollen goku jr gets his 600 achers and kris give him bowies knife and and goes off to pan for gold as big as elk teeth or elf teeth in D&D

he goes off to some indian village an gets back his woman as he somehow knew where to go to find her

the end

that was pretty good

nice action and story. good writing, memerable characters, good ties to history

the music was well and the filming was pretty good wth a nice PG style

the acting was good and the effects worked and it wasn't a mess of cg like modern things

iit did the thing of the younger guy guided by the experienced master and overcoming his anger

and i like how the french and spaniards were the bad guys, like in real life

it doesnt drag and has good flow and goes by at a good pace while holding my attention and not having me hoping for it to end soon

I liked this one and its got some good Pro America Protoculture in it

For Two For Texas 2, which would probably be called 2 For Texas like wth Coming 2 America, I want them to be on the farm with their teen daughter and this Eastern Europeany guy comes by and needs help. Turns out he's been fleeing a Fext, an undead creature thats immune to bullets except glass ones, and has been travelling the world to keep away from it. So he grows closer to the daughter who helps him as hes worn out and helps him recover his strength. near the end of the movie, the Fext attacks and its an epic battle to try to beat it as they try to use a gun with glass bullets but stuff keeps geting in the way until the final shot. Also its a 128 bit farming simulator like Harvest Mood on sega dreamcast, gamecube, ps2 an xbox where you play as the Slavic guy and work on the farm and try to grow closer to the daughter.