The Cat In The Hat Review

 Noe: I spell like a real ca

The Cat In The Hat

This is ore samma no review on da cat in da hat from the distant future year to dr suess of 2003(20 years befoe Roboyech 2 The Sentinels)

Its diectal by Bo Welch who did nothing much i've seen in directing but good stuff in production

It stars Michael Myers from So I Married an Axe Murderer/Wayne's World 1 and 2/Shrek/Austin Powers 1-3/Bohemian Rhapsody/Saturday Night Live, Spencer Breslin fron Law & Order/Meet the Parents/Disney's The Kid/The Santa Clause 2/Zoom/The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Dakota Fanning from I Am Sam/Uptown Girls/Man on Fire/My Neighbor Totoro/Hide and Seek/the cr-ppy tom cruise War of the Worlds/Charlotte's Web/Coraline/Ocean's 8/Malcolm in the Middle/Family Guy/Justice League Unlimited, Kelly Preston from Christine/From Dusk till Dawn 1/the clean Jack Frost/Battlefield Earth, Alec Baldwin aka phaIIic Baldwin, after people stopped hiring him and he needed to do p0rn0, from Beetlejuice/Great Balls of Fire!/The Hunt for Red October/Mercury Rising/Notting Hill/Pearl Harbor/Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within/The Adventures of Pluto Nash/The Aviator/The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie/My Sister's Keeper/The Alamo: Thirteen Days to Glory/The Simpsons/Walking with Cavemen/Johnny Bravo/The Fairly OddParents/Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/candy a55 Saturday Night Live, Amy Hill from Cheaper by the Dozen/50 First Dates/Seinfeld/Spider-Man: The Animated Series/Jackie Chan Adventures/Frasier/King of the HillAmerican Dad!/Boston Legal/The Goode Family/Two and a Half Men/Law & Order: LA, openly sodomus Sean Hayes from The Three Stooges/How Murray Saved Christmas/The Emoji Movie/Rugrats/Hot in Cleveland/American Dad!, Danielle Chuchran from nothing I've seen, Steven Anthony Lawrence from Cheaper by the Dozen/Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Frasier/Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth/Sabrina, the Teenage Witch/The Amanda Show, Paris Hilton from Raising Helen/Zoolander/House Of Wax, Frank Welker from everything, Candace Dean Brown from Party Of Five, Victor Brandt from The Boy in the Plastic Bubble/The Santa Clause 2/Star Trek: The Original Series/Highway to Heaven/Saved by the Bell/Gargoyles/Superman: The Animated Series/Totally Spies!/Spider-Man: The New Animated Series/My Life as a Teenage Robot/The Batman/Avatar: The Last Airbender/the 2010s Transformers: Robots in Disguise, 

I saw some of this but I don't think I watched it from start to fin ish

People hated it and killed the sequel b4 it was made but some like it and think its underappreciated

so after a cel shaded universal an dreamworks logodone dr suess style we get cretis and narratoin saying things in rhyme and a city between a hill with pastel colors and those f'd up trees

mom gets a call that the babysitterquit and her boss is super ocd and fires a guy for shaking his hand, which i thinktheres legal issues of

mom gets chosen for her home having a meeting and if her house is messy she's fired, which is not cause for termination i think, i mean you cant even fire guys for spreading aids like that tom hanks movie

in this neat and tidy house the girl is being a stck in the mud and the son is making a mess and wears fooas armor and slides down the tairs on a baking tray as mom comes in

son trys to blame girl and mom cleans him up as alec baldwin brings the dog back as it ran away and is dating the mom but son dont like him and wants to send son to military academy, which hollywood guys fear/hate as it might make an alphe male outta em and not let em stay beta

mom gets the phone and son confronts alec over wanting him to go to military school but alec sez hes gonna marry his mom and as mom comes in he fakes being nice to him b4 leaving and making military gestures

so ktes catering comes in and kate is a bald guy and mom is called back to the office and gets a maruta to look after the kids and girl ha a stick up her a55 over being dominant and following the rules and tells the kids to sstay outta the dining room or w/e

as usual in these movies, on tells off mom saying he wishes he had a different one and she sez she wishes the same and leaves

alec baldwin wants to go phaIIic baldwin and b0ne her and is sneaking around the neighborhood and the maruta is watching maruta shows andfalls asleep and it starts raining as i guess they dont got a sega they are bored

the kids bicker and they hear a noise upstairs and go up and check the closet and he gets pulled in but its a fake out and he trhew a teddy at her

then the cat in the hat shows up outta nowhere and is this a furry movie?

so the kids keep running from him and hes doing kind of a lion from oz thing and eventually sez hes the cat in the hat and f's ou at rhymes

after claiming to be lactose intolerant and surfing down the stairs on a wood thing, he lusts after their mom and his hat extends like a b0nar

he sits on the sitter and hangs her in the closet and uses a funmiterto check their fun levels and girl gets low andso does boy and he does a song and barfs up a hairball

then the fish went cg and tells em not to f--k about and cat sez "u gonna listen to him? he drinks where he pees!" and sings a gaijin song dressed as a gaijin cross dresser and matador among other costume changes

after a sip of milk and body inflation as this is a furry movie, he belches and the kids liked it and want da cat to stay

he has em sign a contract and his lawyers are there and he sez they can have all the fun and nother bad will happen and they sign it w/o reading it like clockwork orange

cat goes to the living room and they say they aint allowed and he goes redneck and has a plumbers butt and chex the couch and f--ks around with it

he jumps on it and bounces around even on the couch he didntedit and the boy joins in andfish tries to keep girl from going in but cat sends him to the toilet and girl joins in

alec comes in andsees em and when girl fakes being on his side he tells her off for being a suck up

cat jumps way when alec is there andhe starts sneezing as hes allergic to cats as hes lower evolved and books it

girl wants to make cup cakes and not the mlp fanfic and cat goes martha stewart and can clone hmself as hes in his cat forme also there

he gets out a cup cake maker that turns anything into cupscakes like alchemy in fma and cat is also watchign this with the kids so theres3 of him and tv cat  thros cr-p in the maker and eventually chops off his tail and is bleeped out

after having a hbandage on it and his lawyers say they can sue, they go bakc to the cipcakes and it sprays purple cr-p n the wall and it tastes like cr-p

cat cleans the walls with moms dress and acts black and gay and sez he can fix this hmself

he getsa crate and lets out these gremlins thing 2 and thing 1 and as cat goes on bout them, oy tries to look in the crate but cat sez its a gateto other realms(like the twilight zone?) and cat sez keep outta the basement i mena crate

they use cg to send the stains off the dress on the couch then do it on the coucheto spread it around the room

1 of em kicks plates around and the kids try to catch em as they wreak havoc on the place and spazz out and ride the maruta down the stairs and break her brains

the lock on the crate is a crab and lands on the dogs collar and cat sez the thrings o the opposite of what theyre told and they wind up throwing the dow out the window and it runs off

if they dont get back the lock theworld is f'd and theres 4 hours til the party and girl sez to call mom but boy dont wanna andget the dog andcat puts the maruta as a paperweight on the crate

in his place alec takes off his girdle and faek teeth and his tv is reposessed and he sees the dog and calls mom and outs em and wants to get it

the kids and kat fish is in a jar with em and and spazzes out and cat has em throw him over d fence where hes gonna ice the dog with a ditty hoe but it runs

they follow and see th girls friens w/o her and havign a party and as they swarm out the kids hide and cat fakes being a pinata and the swarm of kids beat him with sticksand 1 kid gets him in the parts

the duo throw candy and cat nearly wastes the kid who broke his parts and the 2  hold him back

mom calls and the maruta sez thing sare good and the things tie her with strings and puppet her

the girl is bummed she wasnt invited and phaIIic balwdun gets the dog and drives off and cat gets his car thats called yhe acronym s l o w and not s h - t like the last one and they drive off in his cr-pmobile

in his car the dog p-ssed on alecs taco which is something hes gotta get used to in jail and cat lets boy drive thenwhen girl wants to drive ge grows another wheel and a thrid for himself

after tearing out the breaksand going maruta by driving doen a 1 way road the rwrong way, he slams into something and alec gets there to show mom son lost it

cat fakes being a janmacian and woke guy wanting a petetion and as he signs it he gets the dog and runs and alec chaxses em

cat takes em to a rave nd paris hilton is there and alec gets in and they book it as alec goes back for hiscar

they got the lock and dog but cat dont have his hat as he dropped it and got the wrong one and his hat had his powers like with frosty

alec gets mom and heads home and boy realizes doing the opposite is gay and sez for the things not to help him and they jack alecs car, which mightn make him beat on em or pull out his 45, and they dgo off

boy tells the things to not stop em and they fake being chips cops and pulls em over

alec jacks thing's bike and gets back and at their home aec scomes in and the ouse is ormal but when the cat shows up, he spazzes out and falls through the background and the house is a devolved extra dimensional space and is pure fun w/o logic

so this is like the cats world and i think he came from h=ll and they ride the sleeping maruta down the river of purple goo, but should have hollowed out her torso and rode in her

boy sez its liek a ride in an amusement park and cat plugs universal studios and they eventually get to the crate and the kids try closing itbut gril gets sucked into the vortex and boy has her let go so he can seal the crates a55

so the house undevolves andfalls apart and alec is cr-pped out in a purple slime thing like nickelodeon shows in the 90s

the kids and p-ssed an the cat ruining their hosue and the cat reveals his hat is the real one and he faked it and he planned the whole day happening and knew the kids would f it up

the kids had enough of his cr-p and pull out a machine gun and shred him

jk really they send him out and we get the token sad moment where the happy fun colorful movie is ruined by a forced sad moment to make us feel bad even though its a f--kin comedy and not in any way meant to make us feel sad

so the kids are gonna face mom togetehr and stick togetehr and learned some cr-ppy lesson and like each othwr no andthe door opens

mom comes in and steam blows outta her eats and she raises her hand and it enlarges into a huge cartoon cg fist and she crushe em with a green slime splatter

jk really cat comes in andsez if they learned the lesson then he can fix everything and used a machine called acronym d i r t to clean up and magically fix everything with cg

also its idescreen and bright colored and really expressive and bold

so cat hecks thei fun level and they got it good and the kids are happy and we get a sappy ending of them aying bye

cat comes in and i mean mom comes in nd cat books it and maruta wakes up and sez the kids are angels

lec comes in and sez all the weird a55 cr-p he saw but theres no eveidence as it as covered up like with the sasquatch in the solomon island or j fk or mt sinai being found and purple coated alec sez "who u gonna belives?" and she truests her son even though she bever qustions where the purple goop came from

alec sez to marry hima dn she sends him off to eat his gun and the party goes well and mom and kids jump on the bed i mean cuch after it

narrator sez its all good and sucks up to the cat and its revealed the cat is the narrator andhe goes off with his male things down the street and cresits roll

then credits to 00s music

storyboar dartist; michael jackson

camera operator; michael scott?!

and a song by smashmouth

characters in this are fictinal and any connection to living or dead is acc9dental

no, really? i thought it was a biopic abou a huge cat yokai f--kin with reality and cr-p!

the end

overaly, i liked it

its kinda silly, but its not trying to be ben hur or gone with the wind

its got life and style and heart and even though its got that forced sa moment, its not awful

its got a few mparts i smiled at, like his butt pooting, and its colorful and bright and alive

decent acting and nice over the top cartoony cr-p

the cat is like beetlejuice or w/e and ha good chaos and the kids are decent and they didnt turn one of em black like the cartoon on pbs

its got nice animation and effects and is a vibrant silly zany wacky world

glad i saw this, its a nice start of the 00s movie kinda like the grinch and is  good clean pg fun time

For The Cat In The Hat II i want it to be years later and alec has found his way into the cats world and wanders to find the power source to control the chaos and remake it in his image to make a ne copy of the mom and have her as his queen to reign over it with. Also its a 128 bit action game on sega dreamcast, cgamecube, ps2 and xbo where you play as alec and go around this weird a55 world like a n64 castlevania game and one you reach the core, you fuse with it and become the new ruler.