The Dark Crystal Review

 Note: I spell darkly

The Dark Crystal

This is my review on The Dark Crystal from the itant fture year to J R R Tolkei if 1982 (40 years before Soulent Green and Robotech II The Sentinels and that thing in Blade Runner)

Its directed by Jim Henson wjo did Labyrinth and Frank Oz wjo did Dirty Rotten Scoundrels/What About Bob?/The Indian in the Cupboard 

It stars Stephen Garlick and Lisa Maxwell and Michael Kilgarriff and Charles Collingwood and Robby Barnett from nothing I saw, Billie Whitelaw from Mr. Arkadin/The Omen, sodomus Barry Dennen from Fiddler on the Roof/Jesus Christ Superstar/The Shining/Trading Places/Superman III/Titanic/Heavenly Sword/60s Batman/Batman: The Animated Series/Animaniacs/Batman Beyond/non anime Avatar: The Last Airbender, Jerry Nelson from sesame street, Steve Whitmire from Labyrinth/The Witches/The Muppet Show/Sesame Street/The Muppets Celebrate Jim Henson/Dinosaurs/30 Rock, Brian Muehl from The Muppet Show/Sesame Street/Eureeka's Castle/Dog City, David Buck from the 70s animated Lor of the Rings, Seán Barrett from labyrinth and cyber cuty oedo 808, Toby Philpott from star wars episode 6 Return of the Jedi/Labyrinth/Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Percy Edwards from The Plague Dogs/labyrinth, Joseph O'Conor from Oliver!  and a buncha guys not on back door, aids bag, Sodom bottom, queer as a deer with a steer in its rear, banana cammer, wiener cleaner, cripple nipple, gender offender, wikidia, which gets things wrong often and needed an overmastering

I saw this b4 and loved it, its dark and serious but cean enough for kids, like lord of te rings or don bluth or if star wars was good

after logosand crediys in color and widescreen, we get a nattarrio sayn in another wold and tme, a crystal broke and a piece was lost andso the planet f'd ou

2 races emergs, the skeksiesand mystics and in the castlethe skeksies which ae devolved bird monsters, ruled for 1000 year but theres only 10 left, and they recharge their life withlight from te dark crystal

then ttle and the light goes through triangle symbols forthe ccultists andtheir emperor is biting it so hey need a new one

far away the musticue natural magic andtheres 10 leftand they look like dinocratures and the leader is biting it and they make a humming sound

in the muaticvalley is the last male gelgling called jen and the skeksies iced his fam and hes the chosen one

jen goes to see his master whosez the time of III suns is coming and he's in danger and his times up and the prophecy sez he needs to find the crustal shard to save theworld before the III suns happen or the skeksirs rule forever

he tells to go go ogra or w/e to get the shard(like Kirby 64 the cryatal shards?) and he should have told him sooner

the graphics look great with dat 80s effort and style and in the castl the skeksies, who were said to be of the 7 deadly sins, gaher at the emperorsbed where he looks rotted andtakks like a bad transformer

after biting it and crublbing,we see the mysticfade out and this is a lot like the transformers movie with the clear mirrors of attitude and style of the  rival groups

also the guy fading out as the other bites it was used byDBZ with Kami and Piccol Jr

so en goes off an we see the skeksies, which i thought was the seksies long ago, bickerover whos the new leader and chamberlain grabs therod and this othr guyhas a challenge by syone where these slaves bring up a rock and blades

1 swings a blade on thestone and sparks fly, then the other does it. so the 1st swgs and busts the dark ro andwins so the loser has to paywith thegang taking off his clothes ashe screamsand they banish the chamberlain

he looks gross and devolved, i love it

then the crstal makes sounds and they go to the chamber and on the floor look like zodiac signsin the ring around it

they see a gelfling and fear it as the prphect sez he'd end em sothwy summon big blac bug nstwerto get the gelflig

the chamberlainsees and follows andwe see en going ovr this phantasy thing like they had in things like thing ad Barbarella andstar wars

he wonders whats up and these plant tantaclescatch im andtis dog yokai chicksees it and puts her eye in her head andsez hes like a gelfling but they are dead

he ez hes looking for ogra and the mystics master send him and he wants the crystal shard

she orders the plant tantacles to drop him and they go to a big Astro machine room where she sez it for looking at the sky and astronomy so she knows its comming, the great conjunction where its the end or start of the world

she gives him cryatal shards and he eventally chooses the one that glows and  the black bugs attack so he escapes and the blace goes up in flames as the chamberlain is near nd sees the jen

the myticssense its time to return to the caste and wal across theexpance gradually

in this fantasy forest jen has the sard and don't now wat t do with i but sees a vision in it of something hitting something with a staff

he wanders theplace ripped off by aatar andnot the last airbesnder but the space demon thing andsees a large footprint

he looksin a hole andthis tribble with a mouth umps out and bark and he falls

this female gelflingcomes out and is blonde like Eve in the Bible and speaks a phantasy language and each thought they were the only one

they talk of howtheir familyswere iced and were took in by new families andthy have a memory meldy holding hands

i stops and he's sinking in mud andshe yodels an a catfish thing rises and saves him and her tribledont likebhim

she se the skeksis are watching and they otta go andthen we see the skeksies  eating with podling slaves serving them

it looks so much better to see matter on film than cr-ppy g b0ning our eyes

the black bugs retun and caught urga or w/e the dog yokai was called and she b==chrs at em and sez the gelfling will end their rule

they send out guys to get the gelfling and in a swamp the blonde sings in a boat with jen who plats pipes

she takes out this flying thing the skeksies sent that the see through but it pops out of the water

she takes e to the village the podlings who adpote her are and its ike if star wars was good and they havetheir own language yet she speaks engish  somehow

eventually the black bugs attack and the gelflings book it with her tribble but the bugs catch podlings

i think the chamberlain aide em and they feel for the llage so jen blames the shard and throws it

blonde sees his arm is f'd so she puts moss on it to heal it and they go onward

they lay in an area and hes bummed and talks to hi master wos not there before realizing he's not there

they find they are near ruins and she sez its the place their ancestors lives

she finds the shard and he senses someting andse fears it as the gelflings wo lived there were ied

good shot of the abandoned city wth plants on it like south America or india andthey see imageson the wall hoqung the cystla

she dont know what writing is cuz shes a bonde and he reads it cuz his master taught him and they read a prphphercy  saying gelflings gotta fix the dark crytal

chamberlsin comes in and sez it was a mitake and hes their friend but blonde called kira ez dont trust him hes a matuta

they book it and come acrossthese creatures called land striderson limbs like the guys in mad max fry roa and she knows how to call em with podling tahngs

they both go even though he sez she dont gotta and they bring the tribble which roars like that meme its from

the land striders run fast on long limbs and then we see this h-l fire which reflects the dark crystals light at the podlings that sucks out their souls and makes em zombie slaves like they thought aliens would mae em in that mr rogers ep of Arthur

the new emperor drinks the erssance and its like THEM eating the unborn and other stem cells and he gets younger, een though te past emperor decroded and died

then his hand decroded as bit and emperor goes mental but the scientist sez it always worked and i think when they used gelflings

we see the black bugs carrying podlings across a wasteland andthe gelflings attack em riding on land striders like fire emblem

the gelflings get off and save the dropped poflings and the bugs take out the striders and come for the gelflings as th podlings aren't there anymore

she and him jump off and she uses her wings as shes a chick to float down and through this canyon thing where they see a way in the caslte

holy cr-p we're almost 90 mins in, tht really elt lie nothing, it whiszzzed by

they go through the cavernts and the chamberlain comes in and offers to let em ie together in peace andgrabs at em but they fight back and his hand is cut, which has a mystic to bleed grey green like saint seiya knights of the zoiac dic dub

chamberlain grabs the chick andknocked a ceiling over to crush jen but she sends her tribble to help him

chamberlain brigns her in and the skeksies are scared of her but he offers her to the emperor saying he did it even though he was wounded 

1 wants her iced and another offers to hae theemperor drink he reseence and i think this is why THEY iced im Henson

they take her to remove her essence and emperor gives back chamberlains robes but in the cave tribble digs a bit and gives up on jen

urga is in a cag and her eye is on a table like in the Greek story and they put her in the chair to suck out her soul liek a vaccine and open the gate to move the crystal and beam purple light on her face

jen crals out of the rocks and tells her to gfght andshe hears as they got a bond and urga tells her to call the animals

sh say gaijin words and the muppets in the cages go menal and the science skekises has a light for a right eye

the animals break out and i uess the machine stopped draining her and the animals attak the sciene skeknies unti he bumps bumps the machine off and falls in th file pit to h=ll

after hes iced a mystic vanishes and urga sez its too late and the conjunction is gonna happen when the III suns unite and the seksies ill rule the stars(like the fallen angels?)

so the mystics are comming and jen falls in a put with the black bugs but evades tei attaks til they punch a hole in the walls a55 and into the red h=ll of the pit of fie

he sees te dark crystal above him and climbs and gets to the life drain room where ogra sz theres no time as the great conjunction comes

the mystics come to the castle and the black bgs block em but they hum and the bugs step aside

also the long faces reptile people the mystics are seesms liek  ref to THEM who own things from the dark, plus the magic they use

jen sees the crystal and is higher up and the skeksies walk by as the kira hides adn the effects are so great she loked real

jen sees the  suns with a triangle above and a trigle beloe the crustal andhe has to unite it and man theres a lot of occult refs in here

the skeksies come to surround the  ctystsl and h sees kira on the other side of the ipper room

the skesnies sez they will live forever like jarlic jr andthe tribble stats spazin out which draws their attentionto kira anthe skeskies freak out like someone tld em humans cant be dogs

they see en and the blak bugs come for him so he jumps on the crystal but drops the dshard

the tribble bites the skensies who grabs it buttrible bites  im so he thtos it in the fire put

kira bgrabs the shard and fights off the skeskies but when jen sez to gve em it and live she sez no and throws it to jen and gets shanked

the suns alighn and jen shanks the shard in the crustal andi turns white from putole andjen is is blown to the ground

the bugs and castle crumble and the myrtiscs come in and the catle falling is lik the dragon all movie pricess in the devils csle 

urga finds trible hanging on a thing in the shaft pt o file and saves him as they cant kill pets but people are ok

jen holds the ira and the light on the crystal pulls the skeksies and mystics together intoa fusion of otherworldly beings

one of em sez the prophecy is fulfilled and they are on again and lon ago in their arrogance and delisun they shattered the pue crystal and it broke the wolrd but he saves em and restored the true crystal power

they say shes part of hima s we are part of each other and revive him i mean her and leave with the cyrsital of truth being their to make the world part of its liht, like how the trust missing a pice becomrs a black ie

they go up the trianle hole and the land is healed like with raoh in hokuto no ken and the caste is a crystal astle of white gem

then credits towonderful music that we need more of

the end

that was great

it has really good flow and doesn't feel long at all with no drag

it holds interest and the scenary and characters are all great

the effects work so well and the story is dark but clean so kids can watch it and adults can enjoy it

its said to be like the Brothers Grimm to try to have fear but in a safe way as kids need to learn how to ddeal with it instead of censoring it andv making it bland

the music was great and the acting fit

its like if Star Wars was good

Its a solid film and the puppets look far more real than anything cg has done

and jim hhenson went on to to Ninja Turtles and Farscape withch both looksed amazing

For The Dark Crystal 2 I want it to be years later and the last Gelflings have repopulated their kind and started a kingdom and we see flash backs of them doing so and dealing with Neo skeksies who miss the old order and try to start a pseudo skesis kindo and take back the crystal. Also its a 128 bit  Harvest Moon like game on Dreamcast, GameCube, xbox and pa2 where you pla as Jen and deal wth Kira swelling up pregnant and you and your podling people refurbish the Gelfling city while using the Cryztal to do things like healing or giving life to earth to ake dirtmen to byuild things.