The Craft Review

note; I has no plans on imporoving my spellings

the craft

tiis is my review on the craft

as a kid I often got it mixed with the crow

only 2-3 letters off

both came out in the mid 90s

after seeing both I can tell em apart

as I never saw either in da 90z

it starts with some teens doing a black magic ritual

just like yugioh

then we gets a barrage of occult imagery and the tital

ooh, neve cambell is in this

and skeet untcich

im not familiar with them

then we get this 90s teen moving in to a new home and she sees a snake on the way there

I like the 90s look sound and feel of this

its like my youth

then a homeless guy comes in and offers her a snake

the dad chases him out

how random

later she is going to school but don't have a uniforme yet

I think its a catholic school

the black magic teens walk through the halls and guys fear em

they seem goth

they talk about having "a fourth"

as in air fire water earth

or north south east west

then theres French class

I always hated French class

my teacher was a butthole

also the school is in LA and the kids would rather learn mexican

the new girl makes a pen spin on its tip on her desk with black magic

the goths want her as their fourth

contra 4 was awesome

as was phantasy star 4

later this 90s guy(named chris) talks to the new gril

he warns her about the goths

1 is a sl-t

one is covered in burn scars(which isn't bad)(scars are cool)

and theyre witches

then chris goes to footfall practice

as the new girl watches football, the goths come to her and make friends

the neve cambell has personal hate for him

I think they b0ned and she was bad in bed

ohhhh

the new girl moved here cuz she slit her wrists

emo!!

and she seemed so normal

she and the goths go to a magic shop

but not like in pee wees big adventure

the burn girl tries to get the new girl to shoplift

the magic shop lady knows her ring is from her mom and the new girl buys stuff

on the way home the homeless guy followes her saying he dreamed of her

but a car kills him

the chix run but they said they made it happen

the goths say that they worship a force called "manon"

they describe it as "if God and the devil were playing football, its the stadium"

they obviously have no perception on God

as does the writer apparently

God isn't the devil's rival

this like saying the green goblin is stan lee's rival

and marvel comics is the stadium they fight in

also; this force they worship seems a lot like that thing in star trek

later chris and the new girl are on a roof and talking about her head being big or something

he likes her head

ive heard of foot fetish

but

head fetish?!?!

later the goths say chris said he liked other chix and b0ned em

wait

he said he b0ned the new girl

later, at the school pool, the sl-t doesn't dive despite standing on the board for a while

when she does dive, this pretty blonde yells SHARK and she flopps

later she jokes about the sl-ts hair

and jokes she don't like blacks

nowadays that would be depicted as worse and the girl would have viet nam flashbacks or mental attacks

later the burn girl gets skin treatment

I think they're tattooing her burned skin

but it hurts

then the new girl has dreams of cutting herself and maybe drinking it

then the neve cambell comes home to her trailer and smokes as her drunk inbred hick rents argue

later the girls take a bus to the beach

on the bus are some blonde kids

its like me in the 90s

but I was like 9 when this came out

and playing sega genesis

spider man vs the kingpin

btw, they go to the woods, not the beach

they have some weird rituals with a dagger

then mix their blood in a chalice and drink it

you gon get aids!

they ask for things b4 chugging the blood

the sl-t asks to not hate (esp the blonde)

the new girl asks to not hate chris

the burn girl asks for beauty

the neve cambell asks for the power of manon

then butterflies come down and hang with em

the next day chris is gay for the new girl

hes addicted to her

this is like something the chicks from sailor moon or wedding peach would fight

screwing with hearts

well, this is the 90s.

imagine if they had the craft vs sailor moon

wait

hes her slave

er the chix are having a slumber party

they play "light as a feather, stiff as a board"

they chant the games name and lift her up to float like a foot in da air

they they remove their fingers from herand she's floating

this is going dbz!

then the mom comes in and she falls

we then get a 90s motage of the girls

then the new girl pulls a hair from the blonde and ties it in the sl-t's hair

the new girl sez her current mom is new and her real momk bit it giving birth

also the burn girl asks for manon to take her scars

I should note that "ma" in Japanese can mean both magical and demon and evil depending on how its spelled

later the blonde is swimming and her hair starts coming out

that's awful

a girl's hair is her individuality and expression

to steal it is like taking someones skin and eyes and clothes

wedding peach is extremely angry with you!

then the burn girl's skin fully heals as the damaged skin comes clean off leaving good skin

later the burn girl comes in showing her healed arms for once(which might be censored in some countries)

at night the neve cambells dad is playing around and sez he's not her real dad

his woman pushes him too far and he snaps

then the microwave burtts and the guy bites it

turns out right b4 he bit it, he signed a huge insurance policy

and the mom/ neve cambell get 175 000 $

she moves into a penthouse and her mom blows cash on a jokebox that only plays connie francis

also the neve cambell discovers illusion magic

they use it and change their hair and eye color with it

1 girl wants a smaller a55

but most guys like huge butts

look at all those rappers

then its 3 am and chris comes by the new girls place and is obsessed and addicted to her

they goes to the magic shop  undo the spell but they say magic cant be undone

then they say magic isn't good or bad but both like nature

I've played Dungeons and Dragons and those rules she said are a big load of CR-P

she also says whatever you do, comes back 3x

so if I cast 1 fireball, 3 fireballs attack me?

no one would be a mage if that were true!

then they buy a high level book and go to the beach

the new girl sez when she cut herself she saw bugs/snakes

the neve cambell sez;the serpent is a powerful thing

reminds me of that leather bikini sorceress from slayers "naga the serpent"

she was like the 1.5th best magic user in the show

they then have a black magic/hippie ritual and lightning zaps em

speaking of D&D...

worst D&D idea; everyone gets "virtuous feat Chastity" and all the enemies are succubus, incubus and tentacle monsters.

the next day they wake up and neve cambell is walking on water(using 90s cgi)

then they see dead fish on the beach and for some reason the cops were called

neve cambell goes cheerfully mental

the new girl feels bad about screwing with chris's heart

she also says the burn girl is getting full of herself

and the neve cambell is paranoid

as they drive the gils use their black magic to turn the traffic lights green

it almost kills people

in the shower the blonde's hair is still going and she's really upset

ironic that one girl improves her looks while the other ruins someone elses

but both are bad guys

the new girl finally goes out with chris but when she talks to him he just agrees with her

he gets more touchy feely and she leaves

then he tries b0ning her

but she fights him off and runs to the sl-t's place

the girls talk and its revealed theres a party

so the neve cambell goes there

she brings the chris to a room and tries to seduce him

its implied they b0ned b4

but he turns her down

so she turns into the new girl with well done 90s cgi right infront of him

despite seing her change, he doesn't get it and they b0ne

the other chix come there

the new girl comes in on them b0ning and she turns back

he realizes shes a wich but don't believe he only feels that way cuz of a love spell

he accuses the neve Campbell of being jealous and she goes on a feminist tirade and kills him while freaking out

the new girl thinks he wasn't such a bad guy deep down and uses a spell to stop the neve cambell

but is tormented by then in her dreams and at school

she wants to leave the gang but the girls say if she does she better skip town

the neve Campbell sez in the past if a witch betrayed her gang they'd ice her

just like with gangs, the mob and unions

she  goes to the majik sjop lady for help who brings her to a pentagram room

she is told she has a strong light inside her and her mom was a witch

to win she must surrender to a higher power

sounds like AA

they start a ritual but a fireball hits the store and she books it home

no ones there and she gets a call saying her rents went back to san fran sisko

also the plane broke up and iced everyone

this is why I don't use planes

a car breaks you can wak

a boat breaks you can swim

a plane breaks you bit it

she then sees cgi snakes and bugs everywhere

how queer

I dreamed of bugs in my home last night

then the illusion stops and the neve Campbell busts in lolling at her

the chix are gonna ice her and make it look like suicide

they use illusion magic to make her see bleeding wrist scars and a fake note

she runs upstairs and when the neve cambpell sends the other 2 chicks upstairs she's casting a spell

the burn girl has fredy Krueger skin and the sl-t has hair stuff

they run out and the new girl invokes manon

her wrists heal and pictures turn into moving sky with 90s cgi

the neve Campbell comes up and the new girl sez that manon(refered to as a male He) saved her

he wants to punish neve cam,bell for abusing her power

then neve cambers skin and hair turn to garter snakes and bugs come out her a55 and down her jeans using 90s cgi

then it ends

she sea sorry but the new girl starts using a spell to stop her

neve cambell freaks out and attacks but it fails

this is pretty good horror

neve cambpell gets kicked into a mirror(not inside it. it shatters) and the new girl finishes the spell

the next day the burn and the sl-t return and say the plane thing was an illusion and theyre sorry

they question her powers as they walk away but the new girl uses her power to cause lightning and wind to nearly ice em

meanwhile neve cambell is strapped to a bed and in a nut house

wait

I think neve cambell and the burn girl were switched

as in I called them the wrong names

im not sure

the credits roll with a song that would fit the crow

the end

that was good

as a 90s kid I feel nostalgia from it

for the craft 2 I'd like for the girl in the nut house at the end to have gotten pregnant from b0ning chris and her kid has super magic powers from being conceived in a uterus in a body full of magic. also the blonde has become a wutch hunter and used holy things to break the spell on her. she goes around from place to place icing witches with holy weapons and holy armor. also shes a female bodybuilder and wears little to show off her huge bulky muscles which she uses to rip witches in half with her bare hands. then in the craft 3 I'd like for the kid of the nuthouse girl to try to destory the world as its actually manon who manipulated the girls into filling up on magic and b0ning outside of marriage so it could come into our world. its revealed that manon is an ancient demon who wants the souls of all humans. and only the magic resistant blonde with an immunity to it can save us.by hunting it down and icing everyone helping it by punching holes in em and the black magic oozes out. this is also a sega genesis and snes 16 bit beat em up with player 1 as the blonde and player 2 as an angel sent to help her save the world

Mr Smith Goes To Washington Review

note; spelling rigute are am for a buttmos
mr smith goes to washimgtpn
thias is my review on mr smith goes to Washington
its by frank capra abnd jimmy stewart
we all know of the mel gibson version on the simpsons
but this is the original
lets see if its any good
it starts wuth opening credits and the roger ramjet theme
ooh, claude rains is in this
hrs good
loved the invisible man
it starts with people calling eachother (including senator pain)
some guy bit it
they need to replace him
in the senate
ooh, the dad from our man godfrey is in this
they wanna build a dam but the replacement guy might screw it up
they buried the building thing in a bill
pain wants to upgrade his position
also the dam project has a lot of sneaky sh-t involved in it
hey wanna nominate a yes man but the people reject it
so another guy is selected
but theres issues with him
at dinner his kids (and theres a lot of em)comment on his dealings
they wanna nominate mr smith
hes a real american
and kids love him
and he's in the boy scouts
the kids say since 50 000 kids love him, theuir parents will listen to  politics
my a55
mine don't like my political views
they also believe in evolution, global warming, j fk's official story, n|ne ||, and princess daianna being only killed in an accident
in other words, they're deniers
then mr smith was chosen
the bad guys say this can turn out well for em
at a banquet, the guy with 20 kids praises himself for choosing a man of the people, not some political insider
mr smith gives a shakey speech saying his dad was homies with pain
he sez he never will dishonor his position
unlike most people in the system nowadays
the boyscouts give him a brief case and they play the song from the end of its a wonderful life
the kids love him
if this were made today he'd be b0ning them and the scandle would be about him
later he talks with pain
mr smith's dad didn't buy into the corrip[tion so he got iced
sounds like princesss daianna
or marylin Monroe
later he is carrying a box of birds
he meets a buncha chix and 1 is pains kid
later, smith is unaccounted for and the badds are looking for him
mr smith is looking through american landmarks like the constitution or statues of the founding fathers
most of em owned slaves btw
not that theres anything wrong with that
this is really patriotic
he also looks at a lincon statue
unlike biden(who disagrees with the state of the unborn but does nothing) lincon fought against constitution and supreme court decisions and is remembered as a hero
everyone thinks hes out drinking
in the real version they might've thought he was out b0ning
the daughter (pain jr) finds him and reports hes found and sober
smith explains he saw the sights of the capital
I forgot to mention pain jr is paid to keep an eye on smith and maybe seduce him
after a car ride, she likes him and wants to quit
in an interview he sez he wants a boys camp in his state to help poor kids an the kds pay the gov back in change they find
he sez pain jr is pretty
and does some nature cr-p like bird calls
the papers exaggerate his stories to cause a sensation
like with rob ford getting attacked by the mainstream media for not being 1 of em
pain sez to pain jr to keep smith away from their sh-t
in parliament, this little boy explains how things work
like when you start a modern game and get a tutorial
wtf
the kids name is Richard jones
like rick jones from hulk
or dick jones from robocop
oh and the desk mr smith has was once denial websters
I don't know who that is
they start with a prayer b4 doing politics
nowadays tat would cause the malcontent liberals to call it offensive as not everyone believes
not everyones black. is black history month offensive?
b4 smith is sworn in, a guy attacks smith's character over newspaper propaganda
pain defends him
he's sworn in with an oath to defend america fro enemies foreign and domestic
liberals don't do either and say anyone who does is a "racist"
after a montage where h does stuff (im not really paying attention) he goes to the paper guys
they say stuff that encourages him to get off his a55
he talks to pain and wants to make a difference
pain sez this is gov sh-t that's made my legal minds
in other words; only we can do it
he tells smth to make his own bill over the boys thing
pain jr talks with smith and hes fumbling around with is hat cuz hes got a b0ner
trips over a desk as he leaves
later he talks with pain jr about how top make a bill
they talk over it over the night and smith wants to inspire pro american feelings in the kids so they can love their country
unlike all these commies in Hollywood and tumber hating it
wait
the girl hes talking to is called ms sanders
I thought it was pain jr
srs jean Arthur
he wants to know her 1st name but she don't wanna say it
afte gurssing she sez its clairissa
in parliament smith tries to introduce his bill
hes not experienced in it ad everyone lols at him
he ses his idea but does it all cr-ppy
but the boys cheer for him
later the dad from godfrey warns pain that smith is trouble and wants to wack him
at smiths office people want sh-t from him
hes aso got mail
its change from boys who wanna be in his boys camp
pain jr calls and sez she is gonna do stuff with smith tomorrow
sanderas answers and is displeased
smith talx to her and fumbles with his hat
I assume that's 30s censorship for him getting a b0ner
the sanders is malcontent over te pain jr getting smith
she and a bad guy worry about being found out about their scheme
so they go to dinner and drink booze
she wants to marry the guy
they talk about nature and she reveals shes named clairissa
she sez she don't wanna let pain jr cut up mr smith and runs out to save him
she gets back and is disgruntled and finds smith not chopped up
she tells smith to go home and hes too pure for politcs
she reveals that theres a dam going up to fill out the area he wants to have the boys camp
and pain jr took hi out that day to keep him from hearing of it
smith talks to pain about the project an knows that he knows of the guy benefiting from it
the godfrey dad calls the headmaster and the badds argue
pain sez he'd handle it but don't wanna be part of icing him
the headmaster sez he made pain a senator and sez he can replace him
pain sez he don't wanna be too rough with smith
are they gonna b0ne him into submission?
the headmaster talks to smith and tries to bribe him
he also reveals he controls things
smith goes to see pain but pain sez not to f with things
pain sez he gave in to be part of the machine to help
in parlement smith calls ouit the bill with the badd benefit
but pain jumps in saying smith isn't fit to work I politics
he sez smiith owns the land for the boys camp and wants to profit
the news gets out and smith gets a hearing
at the hearing people lie about it
this movie is a lot like mr deeds goes to town
when mr smith is gonna give his side, he runs out
smith looks at the lincon things
he cries and the sanders comforts him
tjis reminds me of something that happened when I was in the womb
in the 80s my dad went to japan on a business trip and in america a politic guy had a conference in his office
he was accused of stealing money
so he ate his gun
in america it showed a gun or the guy holding it
in japan it showed his head popping
it turned out he was framed and had he defended himself it would bankrupt his fam defending it
so he ate his gun to give them a benefit for biting it in office
and as he was never fired or w/e they got enough cash to survive
although I'd rather have my fam than cash
cash can be replaced easy
so the sanders cheers up the smith
in parlement they wanna kick out mr smith
but b4 he's fired (ike dick jones in Robocop) he is still a senator and has the right to speak
and he starts talking and sez he wont yield
pain tried to shut him up
but smith wont and he outs the headmaster
pain sez he was in the room with the headmaster and smity and the badds but lies for why
mr smith wants 1 week to clear his name
the senators say no]
the senators leave saying they wont come back til he leaves
so smith calls to the people
using signals from the sanders, he uses a rule in the books to force a quorum
the headmaster tries to get pain to ruin smith
he sez to keep the pro smith facts out of his papers
this is like hilery vs Donald
a big corrupt media owning insider vs a normal guy who wants to do good and has the people n his side
the senators are siding with smith but pain gets em to try to wear down smith
smith uses a filibuster
as long as he don't stop talking or sit down or leave the chamber, he can hold the floor
if I were him I'd talk slow
good thing hes not a fat slob w/o stamina and rotting bones
as in; hes in shape
the headmaster keeps trying to use the media to fight the smth
smith gives an inspiring speech
theres plenty of 30s quips that's fun and timeless
he's offered a chance to call a break but if he does he loses his progress
like me playing high seas havoc on sega and paying it on/off for 44 hours
that white suit wolf furry was a pain in my a55
also the smith's home state isn't getting any of his sh-t spread as the headmaster controls the papers
is this a union thing?
so the sanders spreads the word by hand and private printed papers
nowadays you'd go to twitter but that site is owned by a corrupt commie who censors the real people
the next AM smith is still talking and is reading the constitution slow
the people mobilize but  the headmaster owned media spreads his propaganda
23 hours later, smth is still talking and wearing out
he should have some coke
he gives a meaningful speech but pain brings in evidence of what his state thinks
they bring in newspapers
wait
its telegrams
50 000
smith reads em
kinda
he rummages through em
hes kinda bummed
he sez this is a lost cause but pain once said those ate the only ones worth fighting for
he appeals to pain and decides to fight on
then he keels over
pauin looks worried and leaves
then theres gunfire.
pain tried to eat his gun
he admits hes gone wrong and will out the headmaster
the end
that was good
ooh
h b warner was in this
he played Jesus in King of Kings in the 20s
this movie is good
it otta be on the history channel
its more real than the texas chainsaw massacre remake
for mr smith goes to Washington 2 I'd like for the headmaster to have fought back against pain's betrayal by b0ning his daughter dead and eating her in front of pain(who had his arms/legs sawed off). pain gets metal limbs and tries to fight back against him but his papers smear him and accuse him of being into b0ning dogs. the dog lovers and animal supremacists go after him and he's on the run from them and the headmaster's men. he goes from place to place under cover and using alias's to keep from being seen while icing anyone who tries to wack him.

The Mummy Review

Note; you love my bad typing. admit it
the mummy
this is my review on the mummy(the 30s ver)
it starts with miniatures and a pyramid that sez the title
the music is 30s at its best
it then has an image of a scroll about reviving the dead as with the pagan Egyptian gods
to be fair
I love yugioh so im used to this
and mummies alive
that was a good 90s show
I did a grade school project on ancient egyot basing most of it off that show
then we get some archeologists talking about some cr-p
get to the horror!
get to boris Karloff eating people!
they talk about a mummy who was buried alive
inhotep; the high priest
his coffin had the magic seals to protect the soul on its trip to the next world chipped off
they suggest he was b0ning the virgins
I should point out I never saw anty of the Brendan fraiser mummy movies
they show ep on the history channel for some reason
they just don't care
I'd love it if they showed the yugioh movie from 2004
they find a box that warns of a curse by a pagan god
the scientists dont care
but 1 guy does
they think in the box is a spell that raised a pagan god from the dead after he was chopped up and scattered
like exodia
this movie is a lot like yugioh
esp the 2004 movie; pyramid of light
 and this undead bada55 kills em
so 1 guy opens the box and takes out the scroll
ninja scroll
so outside the guy who warned them sez to hide the box
but the scientist don't care
he's not gonna be in the mummy 2
the box opener reads the scroll and the mummy awakens
good effects on the mummy
it looks real ish
he takes the scroll and leaves w/o being fully seen
the guy who opened the box starts laughing
its joker gas!
the other scientist comes back and is told "he went for a walk" about the mummy
theres a dusty handprint on the desk
they otta challenge him to a duel
and the winner gets to live
10 years later the scientists son is in Egypt and sez the lolling guy bit it
he lolled too much and as locked up
then bit it
then Karloff comes in as an Egyptian saying his kind aint allowed to dig their dead
but foreigners are ok
and he's gonna get em to a great find
imagine if they got yul brynner as the mummy
he was the pharaoh ramses in the 10 commandments
people complained about that
but omar shariff as dr zhivago was ok
later they dig some place
oh and the scientist from b4 who loved that land never wanted to come back
like they don't have monsters in England
the son finds a tomb untouched for 3700 years
3800 now
in this room with no one in it, Karloff looks at the mummy from the tomb
I think its his gf
then we get this white chick talking about how she don't like north Africa
some guys tell Karloff is closing time
but when they realize hes the one who got em this exhibit, they let him stay
the son and this other guy say that the museum in Egypt gets to keep the Egypt treasures cuyz of the agreement with Karloff
makes sense
later Karloff reads a spell and the white chick is entranced
she goes to the museum
on the cab ride shes chanting the spell he chants
this isn't really scary
well
maybe in the 30s
she cant get in the museum as its closed
then blacks out
she's brought back to this place geezer speaks to her in ancient Egypt talk
the night guards spot Karloff in the museum in the dark but he ices em
later the girl is awake and normal
she don't recall what happened
she talks with a guy and its revealed she's part Egyptian
he tells about raiding the tomb
it had toilet things in it
and he had the hots for the mummy girl/priestess in the tomb
then the geezer hears a guard bit it at the princess room in the museum
the guard has no signs o damage on him
and nothing was taken
they find the scroll
oh
turns out the geezer is the dad who was in the 1st part
he walks in on his son and the girl making out
I assume they were b0ning in the real version
the dad talks about how his assistant went nuts and had he translated the scroll so would he
one suggested burning the scroll but they dont
then Karloff comes into the girls room
he wonders if they met b4
but she sez no
but he knows shes egyptian
its like gaydar
you can sense it
the dad and friends come in to find the girl and the karloff
man, not much happens in this movie
they talk about what happened so far so every character is up to speed
the girl goes to rest
the dad talks with the Karloff about the scroll
he has a photo of the mummy as a mummy
the Karloff wants his scroll back
he knows that they cant kill him
he's got super powers
like n'kantu the living mummy from marvel comics
the Karloff sez they gotta give him the scroll or die
he leaves
why not pray?
isn't our God stronger than a black magic user?
when watching the guy bring out the hidden scroll(by watching I a pool of water like with garlic jr)
he kills him with a spell
then the mummy's slave (a mind wiped guy) gets the scroll
later the other scientists come in and think he burned the scroll and it iced him
but 1 guy looks through the ashes
later the guy sez the burned paper wasn't the scroll, but newspaper
he gives the son a charm of a pagan god and sez they must fight him with the gods he offended
also the son is in love with the girl
later the girl goes to the Karloff and he shows her the past in his magic looking pool
so its like in demon lord dante with medusa and ryo utsugi
Karloff and the girl were in love
but she bit it
like with Pegasus in yugioh
he steals the scroll and wants to revive her with it
this is all done in silent style with Karloff narrating
he's interrupted using the black magic and is buried alive
the scroll is put with him
now this movie is good
the slaves who worked on it were iced
then the soldiers who killed em were iced
Karloff sez she's the reincarnation of the princess and hes gonna ice the son for loving her
then he wakes her from her trance
later she returns and makes up some excuse
also the dog she was with bit it
good
dogs s-ck
she doesn't wanna remember what happened and the son comforts her as shes scared
I notice bam stokers Dracula ripped this off
only with more nude scenes and b0ning and cr-p
later she keeps bugging people to let her out
they don't listen cuz they know giving in to her desires would cause more harm than good
like anorexia
turns out shes resisting the karloffs pull and its bad for her
the dr sez to give in to her urges and plans to follow her to the Karloff
later the son takes off his pagan charm and puts it on the girls door
but karloff is watching!
and he starts casting a spell
the son bites it and the girl walks out
imagine if his spell made them explode!
like they swelled up and burst and guts splattered all over!
she returns to the Karloff and wants him
but her soul is in a human body and he wants her in her mummy
also she got her Egyptian memories back and is dressed like a girl in a fantasy game
skimpy bikini
the Karloff burns the mummy of the princess
n they go to a room to have her mummified
she don't want it as it means killing her
she wants to live as a 20th century girl
just wait til the 80s!
neon and leather
she tries to escape but the mind wiped slave stops her
she gives up and consents to him
meanwhile the son is still alive and the dr sez he knows about the karloffs plan to ice and revive her
HOW!?
how did he find that out!?
where was he the whole time?!
they get to the mummy level and she bets her pagan goddess to save her
the Karloff stops the guys who come in but the girl summons a god card and it kills Karloff
the dr sez to the son to call to her to bring her back
the end
that was cool
a lot like a silent film
I hear the guy behind metropolis designs did this
he did really well
this should be on the history channel
although I dont know if those Brendan fraiser films are good
For the mummy 2 I'd like for the girl to have been stuck in her ancient Egyptian self form and e guy has to fall in love with her again. so its him showing her the modern coolness of the 20th century. later they are able to bring out her modern self and the 2 personalities fuse and have traits of both with memories of both. oh and she has magic powers from her memories as a priestess and fights  as a super hero at times.

Frankenstein Review

Nite; still cant type. big surprise there

Frankenstein

This is my review on Frankenstein(1930s ver)

its got boris Karloff and a buncha homies no one remembers

we've all heard the story or seen parody's of it over the last century or so

I remember seeing the Kenneth brannah version which was pretty good

better than bram stokers Dracula

that film s-cked

just lust and comically bad scenes

this film is based on a book from the 1800s

I like films based on boox and the 1800s

it stars with a guy warning that this film is "too much" for some people

I mean yeah in the 30s it was a lot

but now we got the human centipede

the opening credits have a cool look to em

ooh, james whale directed diss

and boris Karloff isn't credited

just a ?

so we get a funeral and this purvo is watching from the bushes

his master keeps him down

that's disgusting

after the grave is filled in and everyone goes home, the degenerates come out and dig him up

are they gonna b0ne it?

this is like ed gein

wait

ed gein was 50s and this was made in the 30s

the master sez the corpse is resting, waiting for new life to come

his life as a butt slave!!

on the way home they find a hanged man

the purvo cuts him down but the master sez the necks broke and brain is useless

brain fetish?!

btw

of course the nex broke! he was hanged!

then we get a dr teaching a class about the difference between a normal and abnormal brain

nowadays calling someone abnormal due to mental f'd ness is politically incorrect

some people are attracted to the living

some to the dead

doesn't make either right or wrong

the purvo(who's a hunchback btw) sneaks in and steals a brain

then we get a scene where the master's gf sez the master contacted her

he's living in an abandoned tower and does experiments

necrophililia isn't an experiment

unless you mean like "experimenting in college"

the gf and the gf's homie meet with a guy about the master(who's also a dr)

the guy sez the master left the university as the human pieces used in his experiments wernt good enuff

he wanted to kill and revive things

te master is dr Frankenstein

they go to see him

then we get this cool looking lab which would look awful in widescreen

btw I didn't see it but the purvo dropped the good brain and took the abnormal brain

I wasn't paying attention

the master (dr f) is ready to bring a corpse made of many corpses back to life

and he's using a storm to do so

dr f and the purvo are interrupted by people banging on the door

he eventually lets them in

wow, we're 20 mins in and it feels like nothing

he wants em to leave but they don't wanna

so lets em up

after they come up he locks the door

why?

is someone after him?

is he paranoid?

he wants to prove hes not crazy

the pc term is sanity challenged

he sez he found a ray beyond ultra violet that can bring life

he experimented on animals and kept a heart beating for 3 weeks

he sez the body on the table never lived but he made it(outta stolen corpses)

but it has lived.

its made of once living sh-t

he raises it up and into the lightening

lightening force! (thunderforce 4)

when it comes down its moving

the dr f freaks out saying ITS ALIVE!

he sez he knows how it feels to be God cuz he made life

God did it better

and 1st

later the gf is with her dad and he thinks dr f is with another chick

maybe when he was b0ning the corpses like ed gein or that gay xxx star cannibal in canada

also a wedding is gonna happen but its getting delayed

wedding peach!

wedding peach vs Frankenstein?

wedding peach vs blackenstein!

the bearenstein bears vs blackenstein!

yeah that's a crossover!

so dr f sez some poetic words and finds out the brain stolen was from a criminal

what was his crime?

public j-rkin off?

imagine the Frankenstein monster j-rkin off in public and making weird noises

heeee heeeeeeeeeeee

its like j fk's dad after his crippling

then the monster comes in

he looks iconic

he seems mentally slow

maybe the abnormal criminal was just mentally challenged and didn't know betrer

frankensteins monster is ret-rded!?

that changes everything

they show him light from the open ceiling but he reaches for it like Edward elric in full metal alchemist

the purvo comes in with a torch and Karloff freaks out

the purvo keeps tormenting him with the fire

they chain him up in the basement like the epileptic brother in the kings speech

but the purvo keeps tormenting it with a whip and fire

is this Castlevania?

then we hear screaming and the dr gets there the prvo is dead

he b0ned him dead

the brain dr sez to kill it but dr f sez that's murder

so they put him to sleep with drugs

hes kinda like an ape in here with his movements and noises

like king kong(made 2 years later)

the gf and  dad are coming so he hides the monster in the basement

this is like a bad sit com

the wifes homie keeps them busy

wait

I think the dad is the dr f's dad

baron Frankenstein

dr f is burned out from fighting the boris Karloff so they give him booze

they want the dr f to come home

the brain dr is gonna cut apart the boris but it wakes up and wacks his a55

he starts choaking him but it fades out

I assume he b0ned him dead

then he goes outside

later dr f marries his gf

in the village the boris meets as little girl

they play games by throwing flowers in the water

when they run outta flowers he throws her in expecting her to float

she bites it

wtf

shes like 8

why cant she swim?!

and its right at the edge of the water

its not that deep!

when I was 8 I went to the beach and pool in my little speedo

I went everywhere in my speedo

riding a bike in a speedo

wearing a speedo instead of undies

hope no pedo files are imagining that

not that theres anything wrong with that

to9 be fair; I hang around in my place in my undies all the time

sometimes I'm only wearing real clothes like 3x a week

at the wedding party the gf has a premonition of danger

shes psychic like jean gray

then the dr f hears the brain dr is iced

and they hear a growl and know the monster is in there

wtf

they hear a growl?

but cant tell where it is?

as they look the boris is in the room with the gf

we don't see what happened

but afterward shes freaked out

I think he b0ned her

then the farmer brings in his dead kid

The town gets freaked out over a dead kid
just like when a kid does something stupid with a toy and gets crippled and the public goes mental over banning the toy or preventing this 1/1million accident from happening again

also dr f wants to kill the boris Karloff with his own hands

this would make a good video game

not like the cr-ppy marry Shelley's Frankenstein on sega/snes

that game s-cked

bram stokers Dracula was better(on sega)

they track the monster up the mountain and in this mad max looking area

the dr f faces his monster but its not scared of fire

it kicks his a55

then carries him off to b0ne

dr f is a scientist who works with corpses

he should know the bodies weak points

as in joints and such

cant he aim for those and take him down?

the boris Karloff takes the dr f to a windmill and the town sets it on fire

dr f wakes up and they fight

he throws the dr f off the windmill and he busts on a windmill blade b4 falling down

normally that would kill someone

the windmill is on fire and the boris Karloff is freaking out

the windmill falls apart and burns down

afterward the dr f is recovering from getting killed by the monster

people were tougher in the 1800s

my great grampa was bad a55

the end

I liked this

and it wasn't that long either

like lon chaney's "the unknown"

I can see why it was so parodied

its classic and grand

for Frankenstein 2 I'd like dr f to be crippled from his windmill hit and is using his science to rebuild his broken body. also; the monster is back and burned to have bones showing so it takes the name "bonenstein" and goes around eating people to try to heal its deformities. so dr f has to upgrade his body fast to stop this monster one more time. its also a variety party game mini game collection of puzzles and tasks that represent dr f trying to rebuild his body with science and then fight game things of him facing the monster art various levels of healing and gradually upgrading. also the monster has turn those its eaten parts of into its slaves so dr f has to fight them off to free them by beating out the mind control poison. its a beat em up and puzzle game on sega genesis and snes.

The Four Feathers Review

note; cant type for BEANS!!!

the four feathers

this is my rebierw on the 4 feathers

its the 30s one

not the heath ledger one that s-cked a55

in it they changed history cuz the director is indian and hates the brits

like the brits losing a battle they won in real life

the one I'm doing is considered the best

its also in Technicolor

after the credits to exotic music we get text

in 1885 in sudan there was an evil force oppressing the natives

so the brits came to save em

then we get images of the brits getting bwned

they lost

now the evil force (whatever it is. they aint really clean on who it is) rules

meanwhile in England, old brits talk

one wants a 15 year old to eat with them

hes gonna tell him about his ancestors'

but the kid was reading a poetry book

is this 30s slang for saying he's queer?

at dinner a geezer uses food to reenact a battle from decades ago vs the Russians

in the story, he threatened a solder afraid of guns to fighting

the kid was shredded by gunfire

1 guy got a blade in the neck

1 guy got his arm b0ned off

1 guy ate his gun

he hates cowards

btw, these soldiers he sent to their graves were people with familes and loves ones.

he said its good they got shredded

he seems to feel like some kind of ubermenche who lesser men have no worth for him

the teen is getting freaked out by this war talk

this reminds me of in duck dynasty where uncle si told grade schoolers his viet nam stories

10 years later the brits try to reclaim sudan

b4 they ship off next month, some army guys are gonna have a party for one of their sisters

the teen (now a man) is named harry (like the green goblin)

he's kinda uneasy about going to war

at the party, harry is engaged to marry this chick

im noticing a few things similar to gone with the wind

the guy with the food reenactment sez the army is too soft now

he reenacts the fight again with food

this s like how the joker in the dark knight keeps saying "ya wanna know how I got these scars???"

outside harry makes out with his future wife

in the real version they might've been b0ning

well, maybe not

people had class back then

nowadays people b0ne too much

esp in films

1 guy called john comes out and talks to the future wife

hes not dancing cuz its polka

hes racist against polka

weird al otta charge him with a hate crime

later a note on screen sez they are being called into service

but harry resigns

he only joined cuz his dad wanted him to

and with him having bit it, hes quitting

this is like in Robotech how bowie isn't into battle and only joined cuz of his fam pressure

the commander outs harry's quitting to the other members

later theres a military parade

the people cheer but harry watches

later the soldiers sy bye to their fams

to think, those kids would later be fighting the kaizer

too bad

the kaizer was bada55

later harry reunites with his future wife and sez hes not with the army buddies

his woman isn't happy he quit despite his flowery words

then harry gets a letter with 4 white feathers

wait

its just 3

1 from each army homie

the food guy returns and ignores the harry

his woman sez she feels betrayed

is this a thing on being queer?

like instead of leaving the army he got b0ned?

he takes a feather from a hat and sez it should be 4 feathers

as she feels the same as them

later its Egypt (where yugioh happens) and the troops are getting ready

later the war needs more men

so they have recruitment stuff

1 geezer talks to the harry and they talk at his place about the feathers

harry is traumatized over a story of a guy who chickened out eating his gun

he's bummed over being a coward

and sez the feather senders knew him better than he knows him

but the geezer knows the harry wont eat his gun

apparently back then brits could have guns

nowadays

In america everyone has guns.

in canada only cops and crooks have guns
and in england only crooks have guns

so the harry goes to the egtpyt

ere he has a native disguises him as a guy from a tribe that was mutilated and branded

they disagreed with the ruling class, got their tongues cut out, and were branded

that's basically what the left wants to do to anyone who says anything they disagree with

exclude em, silence em, and treat em like sub humans

so the harry gets his forehead branded

to be fair, people get tattoos and piercings

so its not that far away from the norm of today

plus unneeded surgeries to satisfy fetishes

the harry sez that a white feather is a coward mark

and he needs to get those who gave him it to take it back

you s-ck!

take that back aids mo!

same logic

later on the harry is living with slaves and working his a55 off

btw, I can see malcontents whining about a white guy disguising himself as a north African

even though north Africans count as white

Egypt and turkey are near Greece

are greeks white?

what about Italy? that's near it

not all whites have blonde hair and blue eyes

like sailor moon

my dads site is Slovenian and are pretty tanned and ethnic looking

I'm only milky white from my moms polish side

at the area near a battle, the brits use scarecrows to fake having more men

one guy on recon sees people coming but climbs to the top of a rock thing

his helmet falls off and the sun cooks his head

he stumbles around like a druggie or drunk

just use ur shirt to cover ur head!

dumba55!

he blacks out in the sun

wait

hes still going

he almost gets his hat

but blacks out

later the men find him

but its another group

his group wonders where he is

but the enemy is getting ready to attack

but the harry is with em

the cooked guy wakes up and his eyes are dead

he tells em to get ready for battle and lights matches infront of his eyes

despite his eyes being dead he gets to his horse

I think that happened in dr Quinn medicine woman

by night he made it back to his group telling of the enemy coming

but he dont tell his eyes are dead

at night the enemies sneak up under the shadows

the hary is also coming

he says; alarm! but is KO'd by a baddie

the battle breaks out

brits with guns vs Africans w/ swords and shields

the Africans sheer tonnage of numbers gives em the edge

they also set fire to the brits area

its a pretty well done battle

sorta like in birth of a nation with the smoke filling empty area

the Africans get into the brit base and are overwhelming em

one African nearly kills a guy

but the harry saves him

the next day some boats are moving down a river

back at the battle the brits are taken capture

they're gonna use em for b0ning!

they tie em up (ahhhhhh!) and pull em behind horses(ok that wasn't as bad)

the Africans and captured brits leave but the harry and cooked guy are left behind

the harry carries the cooked guy as birts eat the dead

rather than explain it to him, the harry stays in his character of a mutilated mute

the cooked guy is freakin out

if they donty have food they can just eat the fallen

or catch a bird

the cooked guy gives up and is gonna eat his gun

but the harry saves him

just freekin tell him!

the harry wraps a turban on the cooked guy's head and they go off as the cooked guy is freakin out

the harry helps his cooked friend survive even though the cooked friend gave him the feather

although he couldn't have saved him had he been in the service in the 1st place

maybe the cooked guy might not have been cooked

they go across this violence jack like wasteland

meanwhile the geezer who talked with him b4 tells his future wife that the harry is probably dead and its been 1 year since he left

back in Africa the cooked guy and harry find water

they boat down a river on a raft

oh sh-t a hippo!

those demons are deadly!

in the real version they probably had a death match with it

at shore the brits see him putting a note in his papers and think he's robbing them

they catch him but the Africans think he cant speak cuz of his disguise

a dr sez the cooked guy's eyes are dead and cant be fixed

later the food guy and the future wife are horse rising with guya

I think 1 is the cooked guy

the cooked guy is relearning to do things w/o eyes

the future wife is gonna be with him cuz she feels bad 4 him

oh, the food guy is the future wifes dad

at dinner the cooked guy tells his story of the mute guy

he takes out the letter but in it is a feather and a note

the letter sez not to get sunstroke

the cooked guy sez they sent the mute guy to a convict gang

wasn't there a part in the heath ledger version where he frees his homies from a prison?

oh the movies not over

the other 2 feathermen are being sold in a cage to be b0ned or something

they're all chained up and the harry plays a flute with the words "don't despair" on it

in prison its said no one gets out

meanwhile, the brits are coming by land and sea

in prison they eat from a trough and are whipped

when they let em drink from a river the harry gives em a metal item and sez tomorrow a boat is waiting

prison break!!

the baddies have figured out the harry is a brit

but he wont talk

so they whip his a55 and chain him up

this is getting x rateD!

I assume they b0ned him too

if this film was made today he'd get b0ned

in prison the 2 feathermen use the item to get free from their chains

the harry is thrown in with em and reveals he can talk

he plans to get to the armory or w/e and fight back

he sez to free the inmates but not to do anything b4 his sign

meanwhile the brits get ready for a battle with the Africans

if this were made today the brits would be the baddies and the Africans would be the heroes

a swam of horse riding Africans attack and the brits have a line of muskets

wjy not use a gatling gun?

shred em all

they fight off the Africans

In prison Theresa riot and they fight/kill/b0ne the guards

oh?

the African prison has guns

in american jail theres no guns

yet people get killed every day there

shanked, sliced, beat, b0ned dead

proof that taking away guns wont stop killings

back at the battle, they use mortars on the Africans

they also attack a building

wait, its the prison

the harry lowers their flag and raises a brit flag

the brits take the prison

the win the war

I think in the heath ledger version they got f'd at the prison and the baddies won

back in england the cooked guy is doing well w/o eyes

and the dr sez they cant be fixed

and he's learning brail

the dr reads the newspaer

it sez about the prison thing and how his friends survived

hes happy and wants to go meet em

then he hears about the harry faking being mute and saving them

he has the dr send a letter to the future wife saying he's going to get his eyes fixed and join the army

also he sends the note with the feather harry gave him

later the geezer talks about his war days an does his food things

but the harry points out the errors in his story

the horse he was riding ran forward when freaked out and he didn't have time to give the order as they just followed him

the harry gets the future wife

ther end

that was cool

fun exciting and positive

the heath ledger one was negative

full of hate

and malcontentary

for the four feathers 2 I'd like for the guy who's eyes cooked to have gone to the Germany to get his eyes fixed but has turned to the black arts to restore em. he gets eye powers that lets him see into mens souls and know their sins. he uses this power to go back to England and expose the hidden secrets of the big wigz to help the people turn from their enslavement to the regent. but then the brits need to distract them so they cause ww1 and attack him for having german help. using his advancing eye powers, he begins burning holes in people with his vision focused to a black magic point and begins causing people to cook and explode. he then becomes a super hero.