The Martian Review

note; this isn't  50s b movie. but I wish it were

the martian

this is my review on the martian (the 2010s one)

after logos we get a title I can hardly read

so its mars and people are on it

why?!

so they joke around and collect samples

suddenly theres a storm coming

right after being told of it, it arrives

so they choose to end the mission

they walk through the sandstorm in the dark with head lights

matt dammon wants to stay but the storm takes him out when something hits him(I wasn't looking)

the rocket back home might tip over so they gotta book it

lol matt damons name is mark

like in tommy wiseaus the room

they give up thinking matt damon went back to h-ll and leave that awful planet

wtf the area is called the ARIES 3 site on MARS!!

that's like the APHRODITE  city on VENUS

or the A site on ALPHA

later mat damon wakes up with low ait

oh and the stormes over

hes the only man in the world

wasn't this a twilight zone episode?

he goes into da base and gets nude

he;s gotta wound on his abs

he does DIY surgery to fix it

this is like in Prometheus with the chick getting a cyber c section

then he starts a vlog on his condition

the antenna broke off and shanked him

but his blood sealed the hole in his suit

its gonna be at least 04 years til any manned mission can come for him

and he cant contact em

and he's low on food

and if the systems of his base go he bites it

but you know he wont as that would ruin the movie

wait

4 years?!

astronaut chris hatfield spent 5 months in space and when he got back hre was so weak he could hardly hold up his head

so 4 years would make them immobile

plus you'd have to get use to mars gravity(1/3rd of earth)

then its another 4 years years in space

if he ever returned to earth he's probably bite it from organ failure

they'd probably spill outta his a55

so he checks things and finds he has like a year of food

so hes a botanist and makes a small farm in his place

oh and he watches happy days

he uses oxygen and hydrogen to make water with fire

as nasa makes nothing flammable in space, he uses the girls items

including a cross

that's racist

it blows and roastes him a bit

so he tryes it better and it works

the water is vapor in the air and it moistens the area

then he starts growing potatoes

on eat they have a

memorial for mat maron

this black guy wants to go back to the mars

but jeff bridges wont consent as they don't want pix of mat daemons body

so black guy sez to say they are gonna recover whats left of mat daemon

a sattilite viewer notices acticity on mars in the base location

and jeff bridges don't wanna (wait its jeff daniels) let anyone know hes alive

it might be bad pr

also they think hes gonna bite it anyway

also they wont tell the crew returning home

but it comes out anyway

oh and the only music he has is "turn da beet around" which I thought was from the 90s as its in that stallone film

but its disco apparently

so mat maedon knows they have the next mission is set to land 3200 kms away

that's like a whole mile

wait is that earth km or mars km?

so ittl take him 50 days to get there

so after testing he digs up plutonium they buried to use as some thing

oh and at earth they might do something that will take 09 months to get there

are they gonna get him pregnant>?

so 48 sols (wtf is that? they keep saying sols. do they mean days? then day days!) later he has potatoes grown

he goes out and the earth satilite people figure out where hes headed

I just realized that as mars has 1/3th earths gravity they don't gotta make the rover car as sturdy as earth cr-p

so mat danon digs out the pathfinder and brings it back

he connects it to his tech and gets it to transmit date to earth

I cant even hook my sega genesis to a widescreen tv

how can he combine these decade different techs?!

he asks them y/n questions on paper and they turn it to reply

he uses a hexadecimal code thing and pictures on paper things to rig a code of numbers he turns into letters and deciphers

nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd]

nasa tells him how to hack da rover car to communicate with pathfinder or w/e

now they can text

its the early 90s internet al over again

he asks how the crew felt when they found hes alive

they eventually say they hasn't told em

hew starts saying f--k

they say hes broadcast world wide and watch his mouth

his reply isn't shown

I assume it had to do with b0ning

later the 1st crew gets word mat daemon is alive

hay guyz! that guy u thought got iced is alive and u left him. we didn't tell u for 2 months but now we r. we cool homie?

so mat daemon sez once u grow crops somewhere u colonized it

i'm surprised that word isn't banned by then

what year is this anyway?

according to wikiopedia  its 2035

10 years after transformers victory and well into the 3rd Robotech war (the one with the Invid)

huh, ridley scott directed this

what is it with him and space?

is this part of the aliens canon?

oh and btw, in Robotech we had mars fully colonized by 2005

they go to an abandoned mars base in season one in 2009-10

later its night and the base blows

he fixs his cracked helmet with duct tape

also his plants bit it

its like -80 below zero

he gets to a safe place and freaks out

ur dead bone head!!

they decide to speed up the thing going to him

he sends a text to the crew heading to urth telling em cr-p

so earth and mars aint positioned well

so this nerd has an idea but wont say wat it is

jeff daniels wants to speed up cr-p and maybe skip inspection

meantile matt maerde is outta ketchup and has potatoes in vicoden

isn't that a b0ner pill?

the nasa launches the satilite but it blows

see you in h-ll matt daemone

matt daemon asks the chick who ditched him to tell his rents if he bites meanwhile the chinees have a booster rocket that can save matt damon

but it would cost them their thing

they give it to America

really?

come on

1st; they wouldn't do that

they don't even like their own people

2nd; this is just bad writing

our only plan failed

but someone else has something better never seen or mentioned b4

oh and the one with t is never seen or mentioned either

that's like bad power rangers

the nerd has an idea to just speedrun the rocket and not stopping to pick up or drop off the supplies

its just gonna grab em on the way

something about gravity

why not jus slingshot around the moon?

so the 1st crew finds out and decides to help

but its against the nasa orders

and they'd have to go back to the mat maerdeea

oh matt aradesaa is gonna rocket up and catch the passing by spaceship

we get a montage of them getting ready to david bowie music

he was in the hunger by tony scott

later mat daemon has a beard and thinks about the laws of mars

he uses trippy reasoning that hes a pirate

lay off the drugs matt daemon

I can see it now

the martian 2; space chronic

so he uses his modded rover car and drives to his destination to get out

he drives, recharges the solar things, sleeps and repeats

what was the movie where the guy is about to blast off of mars and sez "f diss planit!!"??

I saw it in like 2001 or so and cant recall if its mission to mars or red planet

so to get matt daemonism home hes gotta ditch 500kg from his vehicle

that's like a whole pound!

wait is that earth weight or mars weight??

so hes gonna have to leave most of his ship behind

but mars has a thin atmosphere so he shouldn't burn up

also its gotta be remote controlled from space

yeah, that sounds safe

trust people miles away to perfectly direct something moving at high speeds

where as online gams can have lag in connections

and this is higher more complex tech

see you in h-ll matt damon

then we get a montage with matt maedon stripping the ship to the song waterloo

I never new this was 70s

oh and he puts a blanket cover thing over the ship cover

dat mammon shaves his hair back to the way it was at the start of the film

he rockets off and gets to space

set con trols to out er space now fly ing high er than ev er be fore

ran gers

in space!

theres some speed problem and they use much of their fuel to fix part of it

so mat maron wants to use air things to redirect himself to "fly around like iron man"

they still have iron ma in 2035?

the 1st crew decides to breach the airlock to reduce thrust

see you in h-ll 1st crew

wait wtf theres gravity in on the space ship?!

they're running and everything

wait, in other parts of the ship they float

good f.

so they use sugar and cr-p to make something to blow the airloack

a guy goes out and plants it

oh and 1 guy on here looks like dan woren from Robotech

hes got the beard and face features

so the chick who left mat mardon goes out to get him

but cant reach him

so matt faemon shanks his suits hand and uses the air to fly up

she grabs him but he slips out

he grabs her chord and they spin around and hug

he then sez its good to see her and her music taste s-cked

everyone in the 1st world cheers as watching it live

later mat maredo is on earth and notices a plant growing in the ground

I think hes at space academy

the martian gx

wait hes teaching there

he tells em about how bad space is

maybe we shouldn't go there in the 1st place??

hmans aint designed for it

btw at 1 point he sez this is da only time 1 man had 1 planet

what about adam b4 eve?

oh and as the credits go we get the 5th mission to mars

matt was da 3rd

he waited for da 4th

btw why are all the tvs flatscreens?

in 80s stuff people still use vhs in the future

the end

that was pretty good

in 20 years it'll be on the history channel

like with 2001 a space odyssey

I'm srs

they had that on the history channel

should've been riki-oh

that was a better film set in 2001

but this was pretty good

not much to hate about it

its basically castaway in space

good survival and nerd cr-p

for the martian 2 i'd like it to be years later and everyone who was on mars has started to mutate from some unknown element being there that affected people and when mixed with our atmosphere. they start to deform into grotesque abominations and begin feeding on people. turns out, this happened to the last residents of mars and they disintegrated into dust without others to feed on. also their metal cities rusted and decroded into the red dust of mars. and the only way to beat the mutated is for humans to eat them as they cant survive digestion but can regenerate from blades and bullets. its also a 16 bit beat em up  game where you play as people who beat up and eat the mutated and matt damon is the boss with the most grotesque mutation.