Tuesday, February 6, 2018

The Black Stallion Review

note; i'm not a brony... kinda...
the black stallion
this is my review of the black stallion (70s version)
its not the urban version of the Italian stallion aka party at kitty and stud's
nor is it a sequel
nor prequel
nor remake
I've never seen this b4
so I assume someone gets b0ned by a horse
this movie has mickey rooney from santa claus is coming to town
and Kelly rend who I never heard of
who plays the horse?
for star power the should've had lilian gish in a cr-ppy horse costume
nowadays the horse and bACKgrounds would all be cg
ooh its by mgm and united artists
its by fransis ford coppola
his Dracula was like a bad p0rn0
we get credits to sand and wind
oh its blowing sand off a horse item
then this boat is at sea with some midget walking around it
the midget finds a big black horse tied and freakin out
it gets the whip
the horse, not the midget
midget finds his dad at s poker game with what looks like culture day at degrassi
1 guy puts a metal horse on the bet table
so midget checks on the horse but some foreigner picks him up, slams him against da wall, and talks his language to him
that kids gonna assassinate the foreigner
later the midget/kid and dad are going over the winnings
he gives his son a knife he won
nowadays people would go mental cuz of dat
so dad tells son of alexander the great and his taming a wild stallion
later the boat gets f'd and dad gves kid a life vest
wtf happened to the boat?!
its on fire and thrashing about!
the kid hears and frees the big black horse
the foreigner cuts off his life jacket to use but dad tackles his a55
in the chaos they lose eachother and kid goes overboard
didn't this happen in the blue lagoon?
the kid sees the big black horse and the next day hes on the beach
that was actually pretty epic
nowadays it would be all cg
but here its done right
he has his knife and the metal horse
man we're 20 mins in
that felt like nothing
he looks around from a hilltop zone and its nothing but ocean
just like the blue lagoon
btw theres long stretches w/o words
its well done
this could be a silent film if changed a bit
later he finds the horse and its all caught in ropes and freakin out
kid frees him nd e runs off
later after some trippy neverending story stuff this snake goes for the kid as he sleeps
he wakes up face to face with a cobra
but out of nowhere the horse uses stomp on it
how'd neither the snake or kid hear the horse?
later the kid starts a fire and watches the horse with the metal horse in the foreground
nowadays a kid starting a fire would offend people
btw if the kid had stayed still the snake would've left him
kid gives horse a turtle shell of greens and makes sounds to him
use words!!
horse runs around for no reason after hearing sounds
kid offers horse a handful of greens and they go back and forth
I thought the hose is bigger than that
he seems smaller here
eventually horse eats the leaf
those horse lips
later kid plays with the horse
are they gonna fall in love?
like in the black lagoon?
blue lagoon
this is rated g in America and 12+ in the Netherlands
and 11+ in Sweden
buncha candy a66 countries
then there some underwater playing to calm music
this is like mr rogers neighborhood
seeing picture picture showing kids being happy to nice music
then kid rides the horse
its cool seeing its legs and feet go off the ground as it runs
later the kid is under water and sees a boat
he goes up and meets some sailors
I think there Portuguese
the horse come by and freaks em out
he trys to tell em to take the horse with em
but they don't understand and carry him off in a boat
so after waiting for like 40 seconds the horse jumps in da water and swims
its weird seeing it move one leg at a time like a spider or something
the sailors hoist it up on a gear thing
later its a school thing with kids singing poems of him and the horse
now da kid is back home and has the horse I his backyard
isn't he in the suburbs?
at dinner he brings out the fruit salad to da horse
hes living with some blonde chick
and he falls asleep outside with the horse
so the chick brings him a blanket
he survived for who knows how long on an island
I think he can handle a night outside
oh the blonde is his mom
shes glad da horse saved him
the next day the horse attacks a garbageman and chases down a car
this is like in the simpsons how lisa got that pony
the horse runs through town f ing stuff up
after looking for him the kid meets an old black guy who saw where the horse went
his horses name is napoleon
so the kid goes after the horse for like a week and finds him on a farm
the farm owner disputes the kids claim its his horse
I think its mickey rooney
he agrees its the kids
he spent all night getting him in
farmer and kid bond over breakfast
the horse likes it there and stays
and kid visits him
oh and I think the horse has a white horse gf
kid finds a room of cr-p from when mickey roomer was a jockey
he gets mickey ronue to try to get the horse to race
they try putting a saddle on him but he flips it off
later kid watches a movie and a news reel (as its da 40s) has a thing about the Belmont thing
later moickey rfonies trains the kid in jockey cr-p
and the horse looked a bit like tommy Wiseau with his hair over his eyes
later mickey ronite takes the kid to the track and hew runs it
mickie romioes gives the kid a ball to squeeze to power up his hands
later its raining and horse isn't up to going out
the black guy sez the horse should stay wild and might be blue
later its dark and they're at da track and lightening flashes and horse gets freaked and knocks over mickie romioies
a car comes by and mickey roonioes sez "its him"
it starts raining and the kid on horse runs
I was watching a dragon ball fighter z vid and missed what happened but the kid cant remember what happened either afterward
also this guy in white shoes comes out and is impressed
oh its the guy from the newsreel
later the kid shows his mom his metal horse and tells her of him nearly biting it in the ocean
he grabbed the horse and it saved him
later its race day and the midgets and kid get weighed
the horses race and this white one is leading
oh its a race between the other 2 best horses in the thing
blackie is catching up
then blackie wins the race
the horse gets its leg patched up and the kid thanks mickie roony
then we get the horse and kid on the islad as credits roll
horse rolls in the sand and so does the knid
I think he went back to live on the island
ooh the rainbow behind them as they play
and the soft music
this is art
moves my heart
the end
that was really nice
clean, wholesome, positive and warm
I loved it
its like mr rogers or something
and it doesn't feel like 2 hours
its also got a timeless feel as its set in the 40s
for the black stallion 2 I want the horse and kid living on an island and African pirates capture the kid to ransom him off for cash. the horse calls on sea creatures to help him and goes on adventure to rescue the kid. he can ride on mosasaurs and use them to attack ships. but the pirates have whale slaves under their control with a black magic item. so its the horse riding mosasaurs and the pirates commanding whales battling it out. oh and the horse also can summon giant squid to fight. its also a 16 bit sea faring beat em up on sega genesis and snes and Atari jaguar with players controlling various sea monsters like giant squid or mosasaurs or megalodon and fighting pirates in steam punk boats and whales and whales mutated by black magic.

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