Saturday, April 21, 2018

Avatar Review

note; this is like a 8 hour film so this review will be long and have cr-ppy spelling
this is my review on avatar (the 00s version)
its by the guy who did terminator (yays ) and titanic (p-ss!!!!)
also it is all cgi and rips off dances with wolves and pocahantus
but its in space so people think its new
btw he also did aliens but this movie is kind of the reverse where the space demons are the good guys
kinda like Charles dickens making a book where the rich are oppressed by the lusty evil poors
actually that's kind of true in many places
so it starts with a guy in the hospital having dreams of flying
then he gets outta cryo sleep in deep space for 6 years
his twin brother a scientist and bit it
and they are on an alien planet thats atmosphere is poison to humans
so they wear masks
main guy is crippled and cant afford to fix his spine
the army guy warns of how dangerous the planet is
also theres fake aliens made to synchro to the human drivers that match their dna for missions
so they needed he dead nerds twin as hes got da same dna
also the chick from alien is the head of some thing
so alien chick doesn't like main guy as she things hes a dumba55 warrior who shoots 1st
also this colonization of this planet is a ways in as they taught the aliens English but relations have broken down and there might be war
oh and the whole reason the humans are on tis h-llhole planet is to get a rare expensive mineral
holy cr-p thats a bad name
its like upsydasium from rocky and Bullwinkle
but meant to be srs
then main guy gets his brain synchroed into his fake alien
kinda like a gigai in bleach
he's around as tall as violence jack
I bet jack would bust his a55
main guy goes out in his fake body in a robe and can walk again
but the nerds don't want him to
he meets alien chick in her fake bod and she gives him a space fruit
those fake bodies can eat?!
are they like organic?
technorganic like in beast machines?
I mean they have computers linked to em
hows they work?
later he goes in his real body to the army area and checks out the weapons
army guy warns him the low gravity on this planet will weaken him
he got wounded on duty earlier
hes bad a55
I like him
he don't like the avatar program as he sees it as a candya55 waste
also he has main guy report to him
oh and he gets a big bada55 mech
and army guy offers to help main guy get his spine fixed so he can walk again
that's nice
later they go on recon in their fake bodies and see what looks like creatures from panzer dragoon flying
alien chick and main guy are in fake bods and theres a soldier in a mask
alien chick describes the aliens there
while alien chick works on tree scanning, main guy finds demon plants that shrink when touched
then this big bad rhino space demon comes out
and its armor is too thick to hard with a machinegun
alien chick sez stand ur ground and they face off
but it runs
cuz theres a bigger badder panther lizard demon there
and its after the fake aliens
main guy runs as it tears up the background
he hides in tree roots and opens fire
but it grabs his gun and nearly gets him
he jumps off a cliff and into a river to escape
good thing it wasn't a canyon
he gets away and sharpens a spear outta a tree limb
but some nearly nude alien watches and nearly snipers his a55
but stops when a dandelion fluff jellyfish goes by
some of these weird a55 monsters look or sound like Yugioh cards
can you ritual sacrifice em?
later the recon team returns to base as they aint allowed night missions
main guy starts a fire and makes a toarch
but Castlevania monsters attack him
I think they're little versions of the thing that chased him
he pulls a knife and wacks em
then nearly nude alien chases em off and wastes a few
she puts out his fire and takes out a wounded monster
oh and the area is lit up by neon plants
its like a 3d sonic level
he thanks her but she hits him
what a b--ch
she blames him for the things biting it (victim blaming )
she's p-ssed at him for not knowing things she does
yet if i'm offended by some gaijin in my area who cant function here then i'm called the bad guy
he wants her to teach him her ways but she don't wanna
then the jellyfish fluff comes at him
they're seeds of some magic tree (Yggdrasil?)
I think ferngully did this 1st and almoist 20 years ago
the a buncha space demon warriors come in and nearly wack him
lol they call main guy the demon
oh and their horses and pretty much everything else here has 6 legs
was this made before or after the human centipede?
they take him to their gangs place and meet the leader (also her dad)
also everyones nearly naked
then her mom comes over
she pricks him with a blade and licks it
that's how you get aids
he sez hes here 2 learn and is a warrior
they decide to let the nearly nude alien (the one who nearly iced him) teach him
btw imma call her gf now as they're obviously gonna fall in love
every movie gets a cr-ppy love angle tacked on
if there was a movie about a turf war between dogs and drug dealers, one drug dealer would be in love with a dog
to be fair, it happened in romeo and juliete
and king kong
and Robotech
the next day they wake up main guy and he reveals he's in with the space demon gang
1 nerd sez they tried giving the space demons medication, education, roads ect
but they just liked living in the jungle
and they gotta get the gang outta he area as its got a massive unobtanium deposit under it
he has 3 months to get em out or they're getting it by force
oh and they worship some nature goddess or some hippie cr-p
later main guy jacks his head tentacle hair into a 6 legs horse tentacle and they synchro
oh and main guy is in a lion cloth
when main guy was missing why didn't hey have a locator in his fake bod?
they pump billions into a fake space demon and don't have a way to find it if its lost?!
oh and main guy fills in the forces about the structure of the tree
oh and theres floating mountains on this h-llhole planet
spoiler; escaflowne did it 1st (and better )
alien chick and her crew set up a base in closer to the space demon gangs terf
and she knows main guy reports to army guy
but is willing to do anything to learn about the space demons
later gf shows main guy a flying reptile that only lets 1 man ride it ever
like a dna coded hoverboard
later we get kind of a montage of him assimilating into their life views
isn't that cultural appropriation?
I appropriate Japanese culture by peppering ORE SAMMA NO dialogue with NIHONGO! but those OKAMA GAIJIN don't understand.
the capital letters are to be read in a really manly Japanese voice like daisuke gouri
later he hunts a space monster and comforts it b4 he slays it by saying gaijin words
yeah that makes the wild animal feel better about being gutted
btw you never see a tiger or a spider that's eating something taking a break to thank it for getting caught and devoured
later he fight a flying reptile contra monster and nearly falls off the flying mountain
he gets back in and jacks in to its head tentacle
return to your power confined!
he tries flying with it but nearly bites it
youre f'd blue boy!
but he instantly gets the hang of it
also theres some magic place with weird ki that f'd their scanners
can they see through his eyes!?
is his eyes recording?!
then while they're flying this big red Digimon nearly gets em
also gf's grandpa's grandpa rode the Digimon and saved their h-llhole world
later army guy sez the mission is almost over
the info he gave army guy is gonna help him win
and army guy got him approved to restore his legs
things look good
but main guy wants to go back for his space bar mitzvah
then hes a full member and has become a man
then they'll listen to him and he can help em
he has it
are they cutting the hair on his head tentacle too?
gf takes him to some glowy place and he links his head tentacle to the glow
he also gets to choose his woman
of course he chooses his space demon gf
wait, this is a lot like Hanappe bazooka with mephisto dance
then they have cyber space demon b0ning
the next day machines come in and mAIN guy isn't in his pod
when they cyber b0ned, his his real body j-zz?
he gets in the pod in time b4 being run over
a tree almost lands on his legs
ironic if it did
he tries to stop em but they think hes one of the native demons
if he was wearing his uniform they'd've know its him
so e smashes the camera
army guy sees main guy turned on em from footage of the camera b4 it busted
the space demons wanna go to war but main guy and alien chick say not to
main guy beats up his space demon rival and starts talking slow
but he takes too long and army guy unlinks em
also he punches main guy
alien chick sez the plants are connected in an internet web of electron channels
and the space demons find it sacred
they really make white guys look bad and women and hippies look good
main guy has a diary entry saying humans have nothing the space demons want and they wont move
army guy is gonna bust their tree but nerd is won over by saying he can save lives
he gets back in his fake body and tells em to book it
and that he was sent to learn their ways to clear em out
and he knew they would bust their plant home
his gf goes all b--chy and all the demon space gang hates him
then the battle starts
bows and arrows vs metal
army guy tried to get em out with gad
but had to go to missiles when they wouldn't leave
the one woman pilot who was with em breaks off when she cant handle missiling a tree
but even without her, the tree goes down
see you in h-ll a55plant!
and it crushes a buncha space demons
man they got big a55 anime eyes
army guy has done this mission and casually returns to base
and sez: 1st rounds on me
what a guy
but I don't drink
i'll have rootbeer
oh and the space demon gang leader bit it
and gf gets b--chy again
are all of them the kids of those 2 space demons?
they mustve b0ned a lot
then we get some slo mo cr-p trying to make us care for cgi monsters tree falling down
what about when I use my archfiend emperor's effect to destroy my opponents field magic card in Yugioh?
should that be slo mo and ultra dramatic?
later the woman pilot breaks out the alien chick, main guy and their crew from the brig
but, they betrayed the mission
they belong in the brig
what if lancer was helping the Invid fight the expeditionary force in Robotech?
same thing!
the black guy stays behind as hes not important I mea they need a man on the inside
but hes a known traitor
just tell em you don't like black guy
be honest
after admitting you have a problem, you can work on fixing it
so they take off in a stolen military jet but army guy goes out w/o a mask and opens fire on em while holding his breath
what a bada55
he should be the hero fighting the lusty space monsters
wait that's duke nukum
oh and alien chick got capped
Is she gonna jump into lava again?
worked in alien 3
so main guy returns to his fake bod
was it like, dead when he's out?
how does it stay alive w/o brain waves?
is it a vegetable?
a coma?
Stasis lock like in beast wars?
it never explains it
they eat so I assume they need air to live
I mean they breathe often enuff
oh and main guy jacks in to the Digimon by going at it from above
As it has no predators and never needs to look up
after taming smaugmon the big red Digimon, he earns the respect of the space demon gang
and won is gf back
is this like fonzie jumping the shark?
doing something so brave/stupid it wins everyones respect?
oh and now his rival who only had like 4 scenes with him b4 likes him instantly
they have some kind of demon ritual to download alien chick's soul into her fake body
they suck out her soul and put it in a demon body?!
that's kinda f'd up
and people called pokemon occult
oh and she bites it
see you in h-ll, gorillas in the mist b--ch!

man every movie has a sad moment
so main guy gives a biased message against his own people to rise up and unionize and fight the evil white people
all i'm thinking of is south park when cartman though he turned ginger and got all gingers to try tp wipe out non gingers
so he goes around gathering more space demon gangs and uniting them to fight the evil earth humans
so in 1 day he got thousands of space demons on the attack for the human base
so army guy decides to pull an Anatole leonard from Robotech and hit em so hard, they wont try anything again
blackguy tells the main guy's crew of the coming attack
why wasn't he arrested?!
wasn't he with them and put in the jail cell?
main guy links to the soul magic thing and tells it about how bad earth people are
and how he needs help from this demon goddess magic tree

so now he's a self hating straight white male?

sounds like he belongs on tumbler
then its the big a55 final battle
you know if this ended after the tree going down it would be dances with wolves
but this is like in scream 04 where the last ending is the new 2nd last ending and it goes on for one more chapter
with main guy's guidance they take out a lot of human soldiers by aiming at the cockpit
each one with families and homes
you were one of them a few weeks ago
in fact you ARE one of em!!
also pilot chick attacks army guy's craft
he takes her down
gf gets shot down and takes time outta war to comfort her ride
oh and main guy's rival gets shot up and falls off a jet
but after he killed a buncha humans and threw a few off too
yet is demise is shown as meaningful instead of his victims
and I think pilot chick bit it
and gf is alone with many human soldiers near
but she gets saved by the rhino demons who stampede the humans
they had years on this h-llhole planet and never got weapons to take out the rhino demons?!
oh and the demon goddess heard main guy and sent space monsters to fight the humans
even the panther lizard thing helps them
main guy jumps on the craft, shreds a few humans with gunfire, drops a change in and engine and jumps on his Digimon
he winds up grabbing a missile and throwing it in a propeller and taking out the craft
I don't think missiles bust when hit with propellers
don't they need to be armed and detonated?
army guy gets in a mech and survives
he fights gf on lizard panther demon and takes it out with a big a55 knife
she's pinned under its body and main guy in fake bod fights him with a big metal thing
in the fight the glass cover is damaged and he ejects it and wears a mask
he tells main guy he betrayed his race (the human race) and hes not one of em
main guy snarls at him like a demon
he's turned
then attacks the trailer his real self is
he damages it and grabs main guy by the head tentacle
but takes too long to finish him and gf gets out and arrows him dead
you could've stepped on him
man guy's real bod nearly bites it from the air on this h-llhole planet
but gf somehow knew about da mask and saves him
and sees his real self for da 1st time
interspecies romance
spoiler Robotech did it 1st
so all humans are exiled from the planet and only the traitors get to stay
main guy makes 1 last log and has his soul sucked out and put in his fake space demon body
the end
ooh, wes studi was in this
he was sagat in the street fighter movie
then 7 minutes of credits cuz this film was just cg with a few real people in some scenes
that was pretty good
the story is a rip off
the characters betray their people to help space demons
the earth is pretty much doomed without the badly named mineral
but the space monsters are safe
and that's what really counts
I ate the choices the characters make
and how they are portrayed
but the movie was good
its kinda like birth of a nation
good movie but the message might not sit well with some
I liked it and thought it was well made though
just because it tells a bad story doesn't mean its a bad movie
for avatar 2 I want the humans to return after 13 years and have brought heir A game. The army guy's Dad who's a general leads the attack to take down the men who took out his son and ruined his mission. they bring holy weapons that have been blessed and have the power to repel and disintegrate the alien life on that planet. also they have give up on peace with the blue aliens and decides they are going all out to save earth. they use acid fire to destroy the plant life on the planet and burn away the animals. the main guy from the 1st movie fuses with the tree goddess who is revealed to be a soul devouring demon and becomes a huge mountain sized tree abomination and takes on the hole military at once. its also a 16 bit sega genesis, snes and Atari jaguar mech run and gun game where you play as soldiers in super mech suits (highly advanced versions of the ones from the last movie) and go around taking out alien plants and animals an deformed fusions of humans who stayed behind and were experimented on to turn em into the blue monsters. and he game boss is the mountain sized tree monster and you are flying a buncha space base sized transforming robots that attack its core points to release its souls to weaken it. Oh and you can play as the genera l but he's got cyborg parts and is the best character in the game

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