Sunday, April 1, 2018

Quo Vadis Review

Note; this is like a 3 hour film. Theres gonnas be a typoes
Quo Vadis
This is my review on quo vadis
I never read the book but my dad and bro did
Its based on real people but some parts are fiction
So is is more or less real than Law and Order?
It stars Robert taylor from the time machine
an re ewe get credits, both to epic music
then the narrator talks about some road to rome
and how rome rules things, oppresses the people to serve the state, and kills the innocent
so its Canada?
and its set 30 years after Jesus died
the distant future year of 64
the evil queen of England I mean emperor nero oppresses the people
some roman soldiers return after a 3 year thing
1 guy makes a comment the main soldier hates and gets 10 lashes
at least they didn't try to get the media to lynch him for not being pc
so nero is shows as a fancy candy a55 who is fickle and unbalanced
even worse than candy a55 trudeau of soviet Canada
and that's saying something!!
was the real nero this screwed up?
I never met him so I wouldn't know
the main soldier reports to nero and his uncle works for nero
mAN they make him seem really fruity and prissy
again, worse than trudreau
at least nero isn't sucking up to gaijin for votes
1 guy has a slave from spain for main guy
oh and nero iced his wife and son
and the gov sees this as good for the gov
I think stalin drove his woman to suicide and didn't care
but the qween wacking daiana was forgiven by the brits
so I guess things don't change
later this guy is getting a bath and a big buff guy comes in
main guy I think is impressed by his big manly buff bod
n0 h0m0
also he wants him to be a gladiator
but buff guy dont fight
later main guy meets a blonde and is hot for her
shes daughter of someone
they talk about his travels and how britton women are gross
well, they do have bad teeth
later they chat at dinner with da rents
the blonde is adopted from lygia
and main guy keeps flirting with her
they have a jewish guy come over and he works for Paul
btw they call Israel "pala stein"
soldier; no one in bible times called it that
that's like Indians in the 1100s calling it; new York city!
the jewish guy has been trying to keep up with Saint Peter (the 1st jewish pope)
also the jewish guy follows Jesus
back in those days, the main followers of Jesus were jews
and gentiles following Him came later
now we wonder how a Jewish guy can follow Him
oh and the jewish guy was aquitted of some charges
and wants to convert the romans in the dinner
main guy tries to seduce the blonde but she don't consent
she don't like him being a soldier who iced and oppressed the people
he sez its to unite and civilize da world
also he wishes he were a slave so he can buy her
that wouldn't be allowed nowadays
as in showing a main guy saying that in a movie
the big buff guy gets main guy away from blonde
he served her real dad and now protects her
later blonde prays for forgiveness for getting p-ssed at main guy
btw this film is fullscreen and in color
just like good power rangers
later the romans worship the gods and include nero in their worship
but nero hates the low humans who worship him
like hilery hating real americans
the uncle I think praises nero and boost his spirits by framing his issues as good things
nero quickly changes his tune and loves being in charge of all these dinks
at the worship thing main guy drives by in a chariot and give the Nazi salute
as nero returns one
maybe that's where the fuhrur got it?
later main guy and some higher ups check out a slave girl and have her pose for them
they almost sell her then give her the whip for thinking not like the others
how liberal
man guy wants the blonde and tries to find a way to get her
later the roman soldiers take blonde from her home to da palace
like in Canada how da gov can take ur kids if u disagree with em
or ur license plate as its not owned by you, but by the state
at neroes house of women one slave almost sez something to her but don't
main guy flirts with her for a bit
then some light skimpy dancer comes on
nero watches through an emerald for some reason
one guy sez 1 chick isn't so hot (oh its uncle Petronius) as shes too narrow in the hips
I guess he likes fat chix
nero then strums on his instrument and does a poem that would make a beatnik look good
everyone cheers as they don't wanna disagree with the emperor
like the news in America from 2008 to 2016
pertonium sez nero can do better
but frames it so it sounds like nero is too good for his poems
also nero wants to torch the city to be inspired enuff to make da ultimate poem
nero flirts with the blonde but remember he like thick hips chicks
blonde is disgruntled at main guy and sez she wont love him
he seZ he Can have her whipped til she does
sounds x rated
snt that the plot of 50 shades of gray?
later at night buff guy saves the blonde in the town as they travel
later main guy goes to blondes home for her but shes not there
he sez she is legally his as the emperor signed a law
like how slaves or the unborn aint considered persons
in soviet Canada women didn't count as persons until the 1920s
later main guy talks to uncle perto and finds the jewish guy was saint Paul and the blonde and her homies are Christians
They say Christians worship a "dead carpenter" named Christ
but Christ is the greek word for Messiah, a title, not a name
its like saying
americans are lead by a blonde reality tv star named "president"
also they ignore all the Jewish roots of Christianity
like saying Aliens is unrelated to Alien and is its own thing
main guy decides to infiltrate the Christians to get his blonde back
he chats with a guy who reveals they use a fish as the greek word for fish is an acronym for Jesus's title
later they watch a Christian service where Peter tells of his time with Jesus
After church the main guy and his homies follow blonde and his homies
buff guy notices and stays behind to stop em
he slugs out main guy and fights another buff guy
after a fight he picks up the other buff guy and chucks him down the stairs
then he saves the man guy and takes him home to treat his wounds
later buff guy asks for forgiveness for wasting the other buff guy as ts a sin to kill
but main guy sez its not so bad
spoiler; murder is a sin
but fighting in battle or self defense is ok
I mean its one thing if u slug out a guy to try to kill him for no reason
but if some drugged out homie is beating ur head in the pavement
u gotta do what u gotta do
blonde tries to convert main guy
also they use a cross as a symbol of their faith
wasn't that started during Constantine?
as in 200 years later??
he tries to just go with her faith but not really believing it
he don't wanna share her with Jesus and wants to be her only man
but she don't consent
he leaves but wont out them
and she loves him now but didn't wanna give up her faith
later main guy is playing chess with uncle petro
wasn't chess invented much later?
and nero has built a model of his plans for a super city
his woman loves nero but hes not into her
did he turn queer?
main guy sez he didn't like being with Christians so he ditched his slave
uncle petro senses something and makes out with a chick
later nero sez da world is his to end and he has visions when playing music
after more rambling he wants to make neropolis; the city of nero
and to make it he's clearing out rome by torching it
didn't dr robotnik wanna do that to station squarte to make robotnik land in sonic adventure 1?
main guy chariot races to save the city but another guy on a charoiot fight him
you can tell when its stuntmen in real locations and actors in rar projection or w/e
but its still good
wasn't it just night?
why is the sun up?
and when he gets to the city its dark but lit by flames
whats going on?!
so the city burns and crumbles
reminds me of in gone with the wind when the evil general Sherman torched Atlanta and b0ned all those people dead
main guy tries to help the people
also the blondes fam has booked it
but he finds em and gets to em
him near em but kept from em by a sea of humanity reminds me of orphans of the storm by d w Griffith with lilian and Dorothy gish
main guy wastes the commander of the guards keeping the people in there and sets the people free
nero is giddy with seeimng what he's done and sings a cr-ppy song
this reminds me of the ginyu force in dbZ
then the people rise up and try to take down nero
he asks his homies for help but they s-ck
uncle petro has given up and don't wanna outlive rome which he loves
nero; no mob wants justce, they want vengeance
me; so blm??
nero tries to get his homies to take the blame but the say it'll bring him down too
a chick sez  blame the Christians
oh its one of neroes wifes
I like how they made the woman the bad guy
nowadays they'd make her the victim
uncle petro twists nero to ry not to blame the Christians by saying it makes nero look unbrave
they say his nephew loves a Christian and hes soft
but he denies it
nero blames the Christians to cover his own errors
like blaming the soviets on hilery being a cr-ppy candidate
petro explains how blaming the Christians will make him look bad
but nero plans on wiping them out
man we're like 2 hours in
that didn't feel like it
later main guy wants to stop nero
he goes out and Peter thanks him for helping them
but he sez he only did it for the blonde
Peter comforts a boy who was traumatized
main guy gets a thing to get a guy to replace nero
petro signs it
tro sez nero is going after Christians
main guy tries something but is later caught and jailed with the blonde and Christians
on the way to somewhere, Peter gets a vision from God by the kid telling him to go to rome to be crucified
and the kid has no memory of it
was that just him experiencing it like the kid said it?
later petro commits suicide by slicing his arm
but has issue when his woman does it too
then writes a letter to nero saying he forgives him for icing the innocent and ruining the city
but his music s-cked and he f'd rome
and don't be a d-ck to the Christians
word petro went to h-ll (the final Friday) and crys for him
he saves 2 tears in a bottle then reads his words
then goes mental and wants everything about him wiped out
like how celebs turn on anyone who is accused of anything they disagree with
I gotta wonder
he knew nero pretty well
how did he think those words would reach him after a life time of sucking up to him?
pretty sure he knew it would drive him to go mental
later Christians are fed to lions and Peter shows up saying things will get better
the Christians sing praise then the lions are released
the crowd cheers as the lions eat the people
like how people cheer when someone who spit on a dog gets b0ned dead
Peter is thrown into jail and sea of his vision
nero wants main guy and blonde put out with he hungriest lion
but is woman has something else planned
at night nero chex the eaten bodies and they bit it smiling
blonde and main guy say they wish they could've got married and had kids
and main guy is turning Christian
they have Peter marry them
Pater don't wanna bite it the way Jesus did as he feels unworthy
so they crucify him upside down
later nero has people burned on crosses and blondes dad reveals nero cooked rome
but gets whipped and cooked
as they burn they sing praise
they chain buff guy to a post an tie blonde to another post
oh and main guy is with nero in the good seats
they release a big black bull in the arena
buff guy defends blonde by wrestling it with his bare hands
nero sez if buff guy wacks da bull he'd let the girl go
they didn't chain buff guy to a post
its main guy
buff guy gets black bull in a headlock and main guy prays for help for him
then buff guy snaps da big black bulls neck with his bare hands
he could've bit out its neck
see you in h-ll cow boy!
the audience cheers for buff guy
main guy gets loose and tells da people help is on the way
the guy he wanted to replace nero is coming
the people rise up and nero is alone in his palace as the people come for him
he regrets his cr-ppy actions and how all who liked him are iced
he blames his woman for making him blame the Christians
then strangles her
his woman he banished previously returns and sez the mob is gonna ice him
to spare him from being b0ned dead by his people, she gives him a blade to seppuku
but he goes on a wordy monologue
and wants her help
assisted suicide?!
she shanks him
later the new guy galba (which sounds like a contra boss) comes in to fix rome
later the kid, main guy, buff guy and blonde stop by where Peter saw the vison
and theres a tree growing there
we get a holy looking scene with a bible verse said
the end
oh and exit music
that was quite good
and not just cause i'm catholic
its well made
has good pacing
and like birth of a nation; doesnt feel like 3 hours
I don't know how much was true but I liked it
they otta put it on the history channel
better than 2012 and 2001 a space cr-p
for quo vadis 2 I want the kids of the blonde and main guy to be growing up in eastern Europe when a cryptid from some Slavic legend attacks the city. they realize its some kind of black magic creature so they fight back by rebuking it with holy words,. but the cryptids are many and have taken over many towns. and the kids (a brother and sister) fight their way through the towns to get to the cryptid lair and fight the ruler of them. also its a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis and snes and Atari jaguar with each player as one of the kids. and instead of using fists, they use holy words to attack the monsters (and the words have range and distance)

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