Monday, April 16, 2018

Hobgoblins Review

note; whats worse? my spelling or this movie?
this is my rebiew on hobgoblins
its a knock off of gremlins
I never saw this b4 but I hear it s-cked
it starts with a guy at some night job rocking out on his Walkman and his boss b--ches at him
also the teen working there missed a phone call and his boss chews his a55
then they do their rounds as they are night watchmen
yet they leave the phone unattended
after the geezer made a stink about missing 1 call
they get to some place and geezer tells teen theres nothing there
then he gets called back
so teen goes in it
good 80s music
and lighting
kinda standard
but classic
geezer gets bashed by his boss for missing the phone call and taking too long to get back from across the place
if you wanted him so bad, why'd u wait til he was across the place to walkie talkie him??
teen goes into a vault and hears cr-p
then geezer hears static on his walky talky and runs over
he runs like hes gotta take a dump
teen is on a rock show thing and starts rockin out like hes twisted sister
but falls off
geezer arrives to find his body
then seals the vault
with the body in it
its ok
its not like he mattered
then we get the opening credits with black screen and glow green font
goo 80s horror music
reminds me of grade school
I know none of these actors btw
except daran Norris from mon colle knights, team America and fist of the north star
written directed and produced by rick Sloane
what is he? tommy Wiseau?
so geezer sez the teen quit
boss wants a new guard but geezer sez they don't need it
boss sez if theres a problem with no guard on duty, they lose insurance
but the place is deserted for almost 30 years
so since da 50s?
boss sez if geezer don't get 1 new guard, boss will hire 2
then geezer has a new teen to train
geezer worked there 30 years and never missed a day
thats OCD
he tells teen 2 not to go to the place the last guy bit it and that its got dangerous machines
teen 2 accepts this
he also shows teen 2 a firearm
as unarmed guards are useless
but e's never had to use it yet
doesn't mean you shouldn't have it
bring life jackets? why? I never needed to use em b4
later teen 2 goes to his gf's place with a rented vhs tape and her cool friends are there
they wanted him to bring a p0rn-oh
bt teen 2 and his gf are clean and wholesome teens who don't smoke or drink or b0ne
kinda like me and my gf
or the survivors in chopping mall
or bowie grant and musica in Robotech
n the 5kanks bf returns from army training
he tells her about it and shes lusting after it
the other homie wants to call his gf who he sez is shy
shy girls often have big t-ts
look at Hinata from Naruto
or chiharu from Eiken
also bf wants to cap someone
pretty sure the army shrinks would've weeded him out by now
gf he calls is a phone secks thing
she talks about seeing a movie and b0ning in the theatre
but its really bad
and teen 2 sez he keeps being billed for secks line calls
after that, teen 2's gf sez teen 2 otta learn from army bf
they then go out and have a cr-ppy fight with garden items
its almost as bad as star trek
ts the same move over and over
use down and B!!
army bf eventually takes down teen 2
gf b--ches at teen 2 as 5kank and army bf b0ne in the army bf's van
later teen 2 talks to geezer about his gf being too hard to please
geezer is about to tell his army story but theres a punk dressed like fonzie breaking into the lot
guess those civil war flashbacks will have to wait
geezer drives off in a mini cart thing and leaves teen 2 behind
wont fonzie hear the cart?
the punk takes geezer hostage at knifepoint
so teen 2 comes over with a gun
5kank knows teen 2 dot know how to use a gun
so teen 2 shoots straight up and punk runs
teen 2 wishes his gf was there to see it
geezer calls da cops and teen 2 goes after punk
he winds up at the forbidden area and puts his radio down to go in
also, how'd you lose him?!
he was right there!!
teen 2 goes in the vault as that's totally where a break and enter guy would flee to
a place with no way out
thats locked from the outside
geezer runs over like he's gotta dump a55 and saves him
but something offscreen gets out
they go out and are chased by cr-ppy-ish puppets on the mini cart
they look like gremlins but with more fuzz
they outrun the cart(which makes me wonder why have a cart if you can go faster than it) and the puppets just are gone
geezer sed he's been trying for years to keep em from getting out
then flashback to him in da 50s when a space thing came and in it was the hobgoblin(not the Spider-Man boss)
he let em live on the studio lot he guards (as he totally has the ownership rights to make that choice)
hey iced people by reading their minds and letting them live their desires
isn't this Hollywood?
bet a lot of em were purvoes and had deviant phantasies
getting turned into really big d0ngs
teen  sez geezer otta warn the people in the city of the hobogoblins
but geezer sez no one believed him 30 years ago
probably cuz its demented!
geezer; hay homie! theres mutant space daemons that make ur wishes come true and kill u with em
guy; this aint wishmaster!!
geezer sez he cant catch em despite outrunning a cart and keeping up with teen 2
but they're attracted to bright lights
if someones acting weird, its cuz of a hobogoblin
and if teen 2 kills it, it saves the guy
why didn't geezer kill em when he had the chance?
he had 30 years!
oh and e has until dawn to stop em for some reason
meanwhile, the homies are having an 80s dance party and theres a strobe light
the music sounds like a 16 bit game
and they cant dance for cr-p
and the hobogronilns are outside
army bf comes by and 5kank goes out to him
but its not army bf
its the hobogobln with an identical horn as his van
se's waiting for her army bf and teen 2's gf tries to comfort her
but shes kinda b--chy and teen 2's gf goes in
eventually a hoboglobin gets her
after cr-ppily fighting it off, she slays it with a garden tool
she comes in and more hemoglobin's come in
then army bf comes by they try to escape
they try locking the hoboglobins in the house but they cant close da door
so army bf gets a grenade from his car
they let new recruits take home grenades??
what kinda cr-ppy a55 army is this?!
teen 2 comes in and turns off da lights and da hobobgolons go in the van
he locks em in and they go inside the home
homie calls his phone secks gf as that's what you do when monsters attack
aimt they gonna ice the things in the van?
are they just gonna wait until da last minute b4 dAwn?
aaaaaaaand the hobogoblins get out
they opened the door
hone secks gf talks about a zookeeper and her doing stuff and its so bad its good
also she voices the zookeeper
a hoboglobin effects him and he hears the phone gf at shes outside
as he walks to her I think someone bumped the camera as it moves
and outside is phone gf in a bad 80s outfit
they drive to reputation road to b0ne
teen 2 hears this and asks 5kank where it is
she tells him and he go after 1 guy and leaves the 3 at other home
at reputation road he parks in the kissing only zone but moves to the b0ning zone
how organized teen secks is in the 80s
now we got internet deviants
she gets out and tries pushing his car off da cliff
teen 2 arrives and takes out the hob gob lin and she vanishes
he takes homie outta da car and bashes him for nearly getting iced
then the car rolls off the cliff
btw phone gf had trouble pushing the car in some scenes and in others moved it easy
they get back and notice the van is open
then 1 hobogoblin pulls teen 2 in and they fight
homie tries to wrench it in the head but s-cked at it
so teen 2 grabs da wrench and wacks it
they go inside and find teen 2 gf went to a purvo club
5kank sez its got drugs, guns, fights and cops arresting people
so its a ghetto school?
they go to da club and tell the bouncer theyre looking for 1 girl
so he brings over a h00ker with bad hair
bouncer lets em in after recognizing the 5kank
army bf and 5kank bicker about her being suck a 5kank
but that's why u like her!!
then an 80s band plays
wasn't this a movie about fighting evil muppets or something?
h00ker sez theres a 2 drink minimum and homie sez theyre all under 21
so bouncer gives em fake ID's
then teen 2's gf comes on as a dancer or str-pper or something
and all i'm thinking of is how in Yugioh, tea/anzu wanted to go to new York to be a dancer
plus her actress's name and the teen 2's gf's name is both amy
btw I think the announcer might be daran Norris
but I don't know what he looks like
and teen 2 is shocked at what a 5kank his gf turned into
she goes out back with bouncer and teen 2 tries to stop em
he gets homie and they go after em
but while army gf and 5kank stay behind, army bf's commander comes by
he gives army bf weapons as homie and teen 2 chase the critters around the club
one hoobolonon makes announcer and h00ker make out but homie wacks it so they stop b4 they b0ne
also army bf is grenading everything
but the grenades make fire blasts and not sprays of shrapnel for some reason
and all the extras run out
1 hoboblo9n shows up and teen 2 strangles it
then gf turns un5kank
except in clothes
she busts bouncer in the head with a beer bottle when he tries b0ning her
commander invites 5kank to entertain the troops
and by that he means b0ning them
she don't consent for some reason so commander throws a grenade and army bf jumps on it
and goes into a full body burn
as grenades are full of lighter fluid
she then puts a grenade down commanders shirt and he's blown back by a fire poof
and somehow it took out the last 2 hobgoblins
outside some Mexican compliments teen 2's gf on her str-pping
and she is glad to be known for something besides the 5kanks friend
they get in army bf's van and theres more hoboglobins in it
back in the studio, geezer warns boss about the monsters
he don't buy it and gets p-ssed the teen 2 left and no ones manning the gate
geezer wants to go help the kid despite him saying he cant b4
boss sez if he goes hes fired
so he sez good
why didn't he ever show him the monsters in the vault?
he had 30 years!
then teen 2 drives back and da punk from b4 comes back with nunchaku
he gives teen 2 a numchaku and they fight
teen 2 kicks his a55 so punk pulls a gun
but geezer shoots the hobobolon and punk vanishes
the remaining hobolonon return to the vault for some reason and teen 2 and gf smooch
geezer and teen 2 go in and he sez hes fired and cant guard em now
heres a idea; show ur boss them right now!!
so teen 2 volunteers to guard em
heres an idea; take em out!!
but geezer has a better way
they go out and he blows the building
wheres he get the boom stuff?
homie gives 5kank sticker flowers for her shirt and army bf returns in bandages and crutches after jumping on a grenade and burning
they b0ne in the van again
geezer calls boss and sez da film vault blew
and as he was fired, there was no one on duty
then homie asks to use the phone
the end
and we get 80s rock to credits and clips from the film
honestly, I liked this
good tongue in cheek 80s cr-p
no one really bites it and its silly and fun
its not trying to be akira kurosawa or hayao miyazaki
its just trying to have fun
and that it wins at
its silly, upbeat, cheesy and so bad its good
btw, the phone secks lady is named fantasia
like the Disney movie or the never ending story
for hobgoblins 2 I want it to be the early/mid 90s and the guy who called the phone gf is trying to win her over but she doesn't know him from Adam. also the 5kank and her army bf have like a buncha kids and she's super pregnant. he's told his superiors of the hobgoblin threat and they planned an attack on their home planet. geezer and the teen 2 from he 1st movie are selected to go there and his gf is also really pregnant from years of b0ning. they eventually get there and fight the hob goblins with 80s sci fi weapons and mind guard helmets that shield their thoughts from being read. also they face the hobgoblin queen who is covered with pregnancies that make more hobgoblins. its also a 16 bit run and gun game like contra or gunstar heroes on sega genesis and super Nintendo and has 4 players, geezer teen 2, amy bf, and the phone gf who volunteered to get away from the guy who keeps calling her.

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