Hobgoblins Review

note; whats worse? my spelling or this movie?

hobgoblins

this is my rebiew on hobgoblins

its a knock off of gremlins

I never saw this b4 but I hear it s-cked

it starts with a guy at some night job rocking out on his Walkman and his boss b--ches at him

also the teen working there missed a phone call and his boss chews his a55

then they do their rounds as they are night watchmen

yet they leave the phone unattended

after the geezer made a stink about missing 1 call

they get to some place and geezer tells teen theres nothing there

then he gets called back

so teen goes in it

good 80s music

and lighting

kinda standard

but classic

geezer gets bashed by his boss for missing the phone call and taking too long to get back from across the place

if you wanted him so bad, why'd u wait til he was across the place to walkie talkie him??

teen goes into a vault and hears cr-p

then geezer hears static on his walky talky and runs over

he runs like hes gotta take a dump

teen is on a rock show thing and starts rockin out like hes twisted sister

but falls off

geezer arrives to find his body

then seals the vault

with the body in it

its ok

its not like he mattered

then we get the opening credits with black screen and glow green font

goo 80s horror music

reminds me of grade school

I know none of these actors btw

except daran Norris from mon colle knights, team America and fist of the north star

written directed and produced by rick Sloane

what is he? tommy Wiseau?

so geezer sez the teen quit

boss wants a new guard but geezer sez they don't need it

boss sez if theres a problem with no guard on duty, they lose insurance

but the place is deserted for almost 30 years

so since da 50s?

boss sez if geezer don't get 1 new guard, boss will hire 2

then geezer has a new teen to train

geezer worked there 30 years and never missed a day

thats OCD

he tells teen 2 not to go to the place the last guy bit it and that its got dangerous machines

teen 2 accepts this

he also shows teen 2 a firearm

as unarmed guards are useless

but e's never had to use it yet

doesn't mean you shouldn't have it

bring life jackets? why? I never needed to use em b4

later teen 2 goes to his gf's place with a rented vhs tape and her cool friends are there

they wanted him to bring a p0rn-oh

bt teen 2 and his gf are clean and wholesome teens who don't smoke or drink or b0ne

kinda like me and my gf

or the survivors in chopping mall

or bowie grant and musica in Robotech

n the 5kanks bf returns from army training

he tells her about it and shes lusting after it

the other homie wants to call his gf who he sez is shy

shy girls often have big t-ts

look at Hinata from Naruto

or chiharu from Eiken

also bf wants to cap someone

pretty sure the army shrinks would've weeded him out by now

gf he calls is a phone secks thing

she talks about seeing a movie and b0ning in the theatre

but its really bad

and teen 2 sez he keeps being billed for secks line calls

after that, teen 2's gf sez teen 2 otta learn from army bf

they then go out and have a cr-ppy fight with garden items

its almost as bad as star trek

ts the same move over and over

use down and B!!

army bf eventually takes down teen 2

gf b--ches at teen 2 as 5kank and army bf b0ne in the army bf's van

later teen 2 talks to geezer about his gf being too hard to please

geezer is about to tell his army story but theres a punk dressed like fonzie breaking into the lot

guess those civil war flashbacks will have to wait

geezer drives off in a mini cart thing and leaves teen 2 behind

wont fonzie hear the cart?

the punk takes geezer hostage at knifepoint

so teen 2 comes over with a gun

5kank knows teen 2 dot know how to use a gun

so teen 2 shoots straight up and punk runs

teen 2 wishes his gf was there to see it

geezer calls da cops and teen 2 goes after punk

he winds up at the forbidden area and puts his radio down to go in

why?!

also, how'd you lose him?!

he was right there!!

teen 2 goes in the vault as that's totally where a break and enter guy would flee to

a place with no way out

thats locked from the outside

geezer runs over like he's gotta dump a55 and saves him

but something offscreen gets out

they go out and are chased by cr-ppy-ish puppets on the mini cart

they look like gremlins but with more fuzz

they outrun the cart(which makes me wonder why have a cart if you can go faster than it) and the puppets just are gone

geezer sed he's been trying for years to keep em from getting out

then flashback to him in da 50s when a space thing came and in it was the hobgoblin(not the Spider-Man boss)

he let em live on the studio lot he guards (as he totally has the ownership rights to make that choice)

hey iced people by reading their minds and letting them live their desires

isn't this Hollywood?

bet a lot of em were purvoes and had deviant phantasies

getting turned into really big d0ngs

teen  sez geezer otta warn the people in the city of the hobogoblins

but geezer sez no one believed him 30 years ago

probably cuz its demented!

geezer; hay homie! theres mutant space daemons that make ur wishes come true and kill u with em

guy; this aint wishmaster!!

geezer sez he cant catch em despite outrunning a cart and keeping up with teen 2

but they're attracted to bright lights

if someones acting weird, its cuz of a hobogoblin

and if teen 2 kills it, it saves the guy

why didn't geezer kill em when he had the chance?

he had 30 years!

oh and e has until dawn to stop em for some reason

meanwhile, the homies are having an 80s dance party and theres a strobe light

the music sounds like a 16 bit game

and they cant dance for cr-p

and the hobogronilns are outside

army bf comes by and 5kank goes out to him

but its not army bf

its the hobogobln with an identical horn as his van

se's waiting for her army bf and teen 2's gf tries to comfort her

but shes kinda b--chy and teen 2's gf goes in

eventually a hoboglobin gets her

after cr-ppily fighting it off, she slays it with a garden tool

she comes in and more hemoglobin's come in

then army bf comes by they try to escape

they try locking the hoboglobins in the house but they cant close da door

so army bf gets a grenade from his car

they let new recruits take home grenades??

what kinda cr-ppy a55 army is this?!

teen 2 comes in and turns off da lights and da hobobgolons go in the van

he locks em in and they go inside the home

homie calls his phone secks gf as that's what you do when monsters attack

aimt they gonna ice the things in the van?

are they just gonna wait until da last minute b4 dAwn?

aaaaaaaand the hobogoblins get out

they opened the door

hone secks gf talks about a zookeeper and her doing stuff and its so bad its good

also she voices the zookeeper

a hoboglobin effects him and he hears the phone gf at shes outside

as he walks to her I think someone bumped the camera as it moves

and outside is phone gf in a bad 80s outfit

they drive to reputation road to b0ne

teen 2 hears this and asks 5kank where it is

she tells him and he go after 1 guy and leaves the 3 at other home

at reputation road he parks in the kissing only zone but moves to the b0ning zone

how organized teen secks is in the 80s

now we got internet deviants

she gets out and tries pushing his car off da cliff

teen 2 arrives and takes out the hob gob lin and she vanishes

he takes homie outta da car and bashes him for nearly getting iced

then the car rolls off the cliff

btw phone gf had trouble pushing the car in some scenes and in others moved it easy

they get back and notice the van is open

then 1 hobogoblin pulls teen 2 in and they fight

homie tries to wrench it in the head but s-cked at it

so teen 2 grabs da wrench and wacks it

they go inside and find teen 2 gf went to a purvo club

5kank sez its got drugs, guns, fights and cops arresting people

so its a ghetto school?

they go to da club and tell the bouncer theyre looking for 1 girl

so he brings over a h00ker with bad hair

bouncer lets em in after recognizing the 5kank

army bf and 5kank bicker about her being suck a 5kank

but that's why u like her!!

then an 80s band plays

wasn't this a movie about fighting evil muppets or something?

h00ker sez theres a 2 drink minimum and homie sez theyre all under 21

so bouncer gives em fake ID's

then teen 2's gf comes on as a dancer or str-pper or something

and all i'm thinking of is how in Yugioh, tea/anzu wanted to go to new York to be a dancer

plus her actress's name and the teen 2's gf's name is both amy

btw I think the announcer might be daran Norris

but I don't know what he looks like

and teen 2 is shocked at what a 5kank his gf turned into

she goes out back with bouncer and teen 2 tries to stop em

he gets homie and they go after em

but while army gf and 5kank stay behind, army bf's commander comes by

he gives army bf weapons as homie and teen 2 chase the critters around the club

one hoobolonon makes announcer and h00ker make out but homie wacks it so they stop b4 they b0ne

also army bf is grenading everything

but the grenades make fire blasts and not sprays of shrapnel for some reason

and all the extras run out

1 hoboblo9n shows up and teen 2 strangles it

then gf turns un5kank

except in clothes

she busts bouncer in the head with a beer bottle when he tries b0ning her

commander invites 5kank to entertain the troops

and by that he means b0ning them

she don't consent for some reason so commander throws a grenade and army bf jumps on it

and goes into a full body burn

as grenades are full of lighter fluid

she then puts a grenade down commanders shirt and he's blown back by a fire poof

and somehow it took out the last 2 hobgoblins

outside some Mexican compliments teen 2's gf on her str-pping

and she is glad to be known for something besides the 5kanks friend

they get in army bf's van and theres more hoboglobins in it

back in the studio, geezer warns boss about the monsters

he don't buy it and gets p-ssed the teen 2 left and no ones manning the gate

geezer wants to go help the kid despite him saying he cant b4

boss sez if he goes hes fired

so he sez good

why didn't he ever show him the monsters in the vault?

he had 30 years!

then teen 2 drives back and da punk from b4 comes back with nunchaku

he gives teen 2 a numchaku and they fight

teen 2 kicks his a55 so punk pulls a gun

but geezer shoots the hobobolon and punk vanishes

the remaining hobolonon return to the vault for some reason and teen 2 and gf smooch

geezer and teen 2 go in and he sez hes fired and cant guard em now

heres a idea; show ur boss them right now!!

so teen 2 volunteers to guard em

heres an idea; take em out!!

but geezer has a better way

they go out and he blows the building

wheres he get the boom stuff?

homie gives 5kank sticker flowers for her shirt and army bf returns in bandages and crutches after jumping on a grenade and burning

they b0ne in the van again

geezer calls boss and sez da film vault blew

and as he was fired, there was no one on duty

then homie asks to use the phone

the end

and we get 80s rock to credits and clips from the film

honestly, I liked this

good tongue in cheek 80s cr-p

no one really bites it and its silly and fun

its not trying to be akira kurosawa or hayao miyazaki

its just trying to have fun

and that it wins at

its silly, upbeat, cheesy and so bad its good

btw, the phone secks lady is named fantasia

like the Disney movie or the never ending story

for hobgoblins 2 I want it to be the early/mid 90s and the guy who called the phone gf is trying to win her over but she doesn't know him from Adam. also the 5kank and her army bf have like a buncha kids and she's super pregnant. he's told his superiors of the hobgoblin threat and they planned an attack on their home planet. geezer and the teen 2 from he 1st movie are selected to go there and his gf is also really pregnant from years of b0ning. they eventually get there and fight the hob goblins with 80s sci fi weapons and mind guard helmets that shield their thoughts from being read. also they face the hobgoblin queen who is covered with pregnancies that make more hobgoblins. its also a 16 bit run and gun game like contra or gunstar heroes on sega genesis and super Nintendo and has 4 players, geezer teen 2, amy bf, and the phone gf who volunteered to get away from the guy who keeps calling her.