Saturday, March 31, 2018

Calamity Jane Review

note; I spelle olde weste style e
Calamity Jane
thjis is my review on calamity jane from 1953
its got doris day and is based on the historical figure
I'm not familiar with her story but I recall in da 90s how there as a cartoon of it
but I never got around to seeing it and It was taken off the air for being too violent or w/e
guess i'll have to watch it on youtube
its only like 13 eps anyway
ooh its in color
and is fullscreen
and as chubby Johnson
the cowboy actor
not the xxx star
after some credits jane comes in on a stagecoach singing about going to deadwood
hope they don't swear too much
jane climbs around the coach as it moves
nowadays they'd make that look bad for being too dangerous
also she whips the horses
another thing that now would look bad
at deadwood everyone fires their revolvers in the air
man people had chutzpa in the 1800s\
nah we're just candy a55 now
jane sings and dances as she introduces everyone
she's fun, upbeat lively and tough
kinda like sailor venus
both are blonde too
then the indians come to town
jANE sez she fought off a lotta Indians (which today they'd make look bad)
also her homeboy is wild bill hickock
but he's clean shaven!!
ruined forever!!
jane is kinda tough and boastful
like anna kozuki from Yugioh zexal
in japan anna sez ORE instead of ATASHI or BOKU as she's a tough tomboy
I assume jane would too
also jane is into some guy
a lieutenant
also this saloon or bar or str-p club owner ordered an actress
but francis turned out to be a guy
like Kelly or chris or Ashley or jesse
the owner advertised an actress and sez they'd lynch him if they found out
also after this indian attack, the lieutenant is captured and thought iced
so jane saves him
back at da bar, jane exaggerates her story
wild bill (WB) finds it dubious so jane shoots by his feet
then the owner brings out fransis but he's in a dress
remembers that rob Schneider film
cant u read?! Friday is gay night!!
well he sings a love song and the guys love him
reminds me of Robotech season 3 how lancer would put on womens clothing, and hang about in bars
as a singer
but hes a wanted man
so they wernt looking for a female singer
its clever
well the men find out they were lusting after a man and riot
but jane sez to give him another chance (da owner)
and jane promises a big a55 star
Adelaid Addams
is she in the Addams family?
but turns out its really hard to get her
WB has faith in her and boosts her spirits
they then sing about how they can do without the other
that means they're gonna fall in love and maybe b0ne
look at rick and lisa in Robotech
Lisa: "See you all after the honeymoon!"
Rick: "Yeah in about 5 hours from now!"
me; 5 hours of b0ning?!
later jane goes on a trip to get the star
shes in Chicago!!
nowadays some areas are slums full of gun toting homies
in the city she pulls a gun on a wooden indian and everyone laughs
sounds like PTSD
then we get a song by skimpy dressed chix about a guy she wants to marry
man we're like half an hour in
that felt like nothing
the skimpy chick is da star
and she don't like Chicago
i'm from Chicago!!
that's racist!!
oh and this other chick wants to sing
but he star is a d-ck to her
hope the gun toting homies get her
jane comes in on the chick singing the wedding song and wearing the stars skimpy outfit
jane sez the chick is pretty and wonders how the dress is kept up as its strapless
the chick thinks janes a man as she's a tomboy and thinks jane wants to b0ne her
after solving the misunderstanding, jane invites the chick
oh and the cowboys like collecting the star's trading card sold in pax of smokes
nowadays they would be shown as evil
man doris day does great playing a tough chick
manly and brash and rough around the edges
but in real life shes girly
good acting skill
so they go to the deadwood town jane snipers Indians chasing them as they drive away
bad a55 action
that nowadays would twist things in favor of da Indians
they get to town and everyone loves the chick
then jane sings about how fancy Chicago is
good body language too
she comes across as expressive and masculine
holy cr-p she has a dane hat goes on for a while
good memorization
sorta fred Astaire
b4 the show da fransis actor tries to tell the owner that the chick isn't da star
and da chick don't know how to do makeup
why is fransis still there?!
I thought he'd leave after nearly getting lynched for turning them gay
some Indians are in the audience and 1 has a crying baby
wait, its WB in redface
nowadays they'd go mental over his
and jane lols at WB
the chick comes out singing but is nervous
she cant take it and cmes out about her identity
and everyones p-ssed at jane
oh and the real star went to Europe to hang out with the purvoes and cannibals
the crowd goes nuts but jane fires in da air
1 guy tries throwing a booze bottle but jane shoots it outta his hand
jane gets em to give da chick a chance
chick then gives a confident good show
she does high kicks to take off guys hats and flips over em
everyone loves her
then WB ties up jane with a lasso and hangs her from the ceiling
jane sez she's gonna shoot his ears off
naked Minerva mink!
wait, that's animaniacs
later jane and star are gonna live together and chaperone eachother
nowadays people would think they were b0ning
but in da 50s no one did
later WB I think sings some song
later at janes shack she won in a poker game, chick and jane talk about if jane loves WB
jane gets bummed her shack isn't good enough for a lady like chick
but the chick is ok with it
then she sings about a womans touch fixing he place up
like a montage in an 80s movie
chick gets an open can of paint and paints da door
why was thee open paint?
did they have pan cant in da 1800s?
so they fix up da place and its cleaner and better looking than anything in da 1800s
later the lieutenant wants to date the chick but finds shes living with jane
and WB is trying to get here 1st
at the radio free shack  jane and chick are wearing dresses and jane goes to get water
and shes BAREFOOT!!
foot fetish!!!!
2 hot 4 tv!!
WB and lieutenant go there and flirt with the chick
WB chopps her wood and lieutenant hits on chick
but chick sez jane loves him
which he don't believe
also he notices theres still firewood in das home
WB returns and notices da wood
they wanna go to some dance or w/e and chick sez the 4 of em can go
after arguing over who gets jane, they draw straws
WB gets jane
chick sees jane coming in her dress and expects them to get b0ners for her
but when she comes in se's covered in mud from falling in the creak
dirt fetish!!
slob fetish!!
too hot!!
poop fetish!!
human centipede guy!!
later its night and WB sings about the black hills of Dakota
sounds like a horror movie
like the hills have eyes
man we're like 75 mins in
good flow
at the dance jane is in a white dress
and veryone is shocked she looks hot
all da guys wanna dance with her
reminds me of Gundam seed
kira sees da blonde in a dress
kira; ur... a girl...
gurl; whats that supposed to meen?!
kira; nothing. it just reminded me of it...
girl; that's the same thng jacka55!!
and on ytv they blanked out the audio for jacka55
don't wanna offend the male donkeys by using that word as a slur
also in the recap episode clip show it didn't censor jackA55 when she said it
so jane is jealous of lieutenant liking da chick
she fires at her but don't hit her
later at her shack jane takes off the fancy dress in a rage
btw b4 her back was open but then its closed
later the chick sings the wedding song and jane is p-ssed
jane tells chick to get outta town tomorrow
chick borrows a gun and tries to shoot janes beer glass off her hand
but WB did it secretly
and chick's shot hit this wood think holder container
later lieutenant takes jane out back and b0nes her
really he gives her advice
she acts like a man but thinks like a woman
as she's jealous
its WB
not lieutenant
WB sed she looked foolish tonight and that she's not a man
nowadays that would be seen as bad
they comfort eachother over the people they loved falling for others
then they smooch
they rebound quick
the next day she sings of love outside
I think they b0ned
its just like in big top pee wee where pee wee got implants
I mean spent the night with an italiano and was happy the next day
btw jane is dressed like col sanders
she's cheerful at town but everyone is avoiding her for last night when she told da chick to skip town
but turns out she did skip town cuz of jane and her coming between jane and the lieutenant
so jane goes after her
on the way she meets WB and smooches him
then they both go after the chick
wait its just jane
she calls to the driver to stop
wtf his name is rattlesnake
what is this?! mad max?!
maybe the crow
jane tells the chick she loves WB and is gonna marry him
chick; I thought u loved the other guy?!
jane; that's female thinking
me; wtf!?
then jane and the chick marry their bf's
then they sing
WB rhymes well (like a deep well) with well(as in doing well)
that's just cr-ppy
lol WB mentions "the light of the silvery moon"
that's another doris day film
thy drive off singing
the end
doris day had to recover from exhaustion from filming this
she worked her a55 off
but I liked this
its fun, upbeat, cheerful, charming and lively
plus jane saving a guy who she likes reminds me of new cutey honey how honey saves Chokkei but he goes with another chick
this film has good pacing
good flow
and good feels
for calamity jane 2 I want her to have gotten really fat from being pregnant with all of wild bill's kids and is almost 700lbs. she is still a good shot but has trouble moving. then Indians capture her kids and b0ne her fat all over. she decides to try to save em but cant really move much. so she knows se cant lose the weight in time to get back in shape to save her kids. so she gets ben franklins kid to give him an exosuit to let her move fast and handle her tonnage. also she keeps extra ammo in her rolls and goes on a chase to get back her ids. its also a 16 bit run and gun game on sega genesis, super Nintendo and gameboy advance with you as jane in her exosuit powered by human flesh and you gotta take out enough people per level to get enough power to make it to the next one

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