Tuesday, March 27, 2018

The H Man Review

note; this keybords going f'df. there be typoes
the h man
this is my review on the h man
also called Bijo To Ekatai-Ningen
which translates to Beauty and the Liquid People
after images of nukes an credits we get people walking in the rain
a guy getting into a car groans and the car drives off
then a car hits him offscreen and hes gone and just clothes left
oh and there was chronic in his bag worth 7-8 million yen
they bring in mr chin (not jay leno) to talk about the bag
he saw someone who gave him it
chin looks through a photo book and recognizes misaki (the guy who got car hit)
the cops go to misaki's place and this chick in his bed sez she aint seen him in days
I assume he's been b0ning her
at the station she sez misaki never told her what he did to fund their lifestyle
she works as a nightclub chick and makes 50 000 yen or more
I assume that's the covered up verion of h--ker
misaki was in a gang and his homies will ice him if they find out about the cops finding out about his chronic
then theres some str-ppers or something in a nightclub in fancy bikinis
then this chick sings a love song
what is this? robotech?
imagine minmei becoming a str-pper in a night club
oh and the cops are there
I think its misakis woman
in the change room misaki's wife gives this guy money for misaki as the cops are following her
then the cops come in and arrest him
the guy is proffser masada from the university
hes studying nuke ashes effects on humans
sounds like what the gov did after the war
he sez radioactive rain might dissolve people
misaki might've been in a nuke testing area
bikini or xmas island
bikini island?!
sounds like that yugioh card
bimbo battleground
Its bamboo battleground
later this trenchcoat guy gets in the wifes place and interrogates her at gunpoint and slapping over where misaki is
she don't know
also he tells her not to tell anyone
sounds like what happened with j fk r fk and marilin Monroe
after he leaves he empties his gun and she stumbles out and blacks out
the neighbors (not tommy Wiseau) look outside and the trenchcoat guy is just a coat
she tells da cops and they think it was really misaki
for the focus of the movie plot, misaki is only in like 28 seconds of film
then he goes to h-ll
is he dead?
maybe he's a living puddle of soup
masada talks to wife about misaki and he learns of the other guy who went
later masada shows his hospital homies to the cop and they tell of a deserted ship that they found at sea
on it was empty clothes
in the captains room some slime comes out and gets a guy
then these see through beings show up and melt another guy
a 3rd guy gets soaked in the spurm like goo and melts
then it shows a see through thing
and more spurm people rise
after they returned home they told the cops but no one believed it
the cops and I think masada look through th log book from the ship and it sez after a nuke test men disappeared on da boat
then dr maki does radiation tests on frogs
what is this?! hulk wth eric banna?
microwaving frogs
the frog bubbles like blowing in a straw in milk and melts
but the frog is still alive as a liquid
that's worse than killing it
oh cr-p
batman beyond
inque did that thing to that guy
she only gave me half a dose!! help meeeeee!!
f it that was f;d up
later theres another homicide
and one cop brings in the radioactive life thing from the ghost ship
wait I think its masada
wife talks to masada and asks if misaki is dead
and she saw a guy melt
she feels faint so they give her a stimulant
hope the mormons don't find out
I think its coke or pepsi
masada sez to a cop he wants to tell the public about the melting people
and wife wants to finger the gang members who follow her at the club
then she sings another love song at the club and gives subtle hints to the cops of who is a gang member
then some bikini dancers comes on
and the cops arrest the gang guys
and the music is loud enuff to cover da arrest sounds
outside its raining and the slime comes outta the water
I think they reversed the footage to make it go up
1 guy in the club tries to escape out the window but the slime comes in, turns man and gets him
and bullets don't affect it
it also gets a bikini girl
wife sees the slime and escapes and calls a guy
1 cop attacks the slime which turned slime man but it slimes him and melts him
a scientist checks the attackers remains but its radioactive
also the slime gets away out da window
the news reports the story later
then they microwave another frog into foam then goo
they pour the goo by another frog and it turns it
turns out its eating it
and the slime things are attracted by human life
they call it H MAN as its made by a hydrogen nude I mean nuke
hermaphrodite man?!
they find high voltage and fire stop it
so they'll burn the sewers and river construction
later they find out 1 guy they thought dissolved faked it by taking off his clothes and running around nude
they knew as his clothes wernt radioactive
later wife goes in a car to meet masada
but then masada arrives to get her and realizes its a trick
so theres a low speed car chase
the music tries to make it exciting
but not much happens
eventually masada's car crashes and the kidnapper gets away
the cops or w/e use flame throwers and gasoline to burn out the sewers after evacuating the area
but the slime moves on the ceiling
kidnapper (who faked his melting)takes wife through the sewers
he finds a bag of smack worth 50 million yen hidden behind a brick in the sewer
they run into the flame thrower group but try to leave b4 being noticed
then they find the slime
he has her get undressed so the find he clothes and think the slime got her
also I think he wants to b0ne her
I just had an idea
the slime is in da sewer
what if it came outta the toilet like the ghoulies and up peoples butts and filled em up?
masada finds wifes coat floating out the sewer
so he goes in lookin for her
but the forces have found the monster slime
btw the wifes name is chitako ara
reminds me of Chisato Yamane and naoko arai from nami sos
so the slime gets the kidnapper and wife runs
also they started torching the sewers
masada finds her
btw she's not nude
she's in a slip or something
so they get saved and the slime is cooked
also nowadays they'd make a big deal about torching the sewers
they get outta da sewer and the sewer fire torches the town
its like in gone with the wind when Sherman torched Atlanta
dr maki sez the monster is done
but then sez if man gets wiped out cuz of nukes, the next ruler of the planet will be the h man
but you just said it was dead
what is this?!
Halloween 4?!
Loomis and Michael are alive and Jamie lee Curtis isn't?!
they switched things?!
the end
that was pretty cool
good effects
good story
took some time to get going
but it paid off in the end
I liked it
for the h man 2 I want a piece of the slime to have survived and has developed a mind of its own. it has the memories of all those it absorbed and personalities mixed. it finds chitako and tries to be her husband again but it knows if it touches her then she's iced. but the gang is still after her and after the slime ate the guy with the smack, the drugs have caused it to become addicted and it goes around eating drug users and dealers to get its fix. also its a 16 bit game on sega genesis and snes and game boy advance where you play as the slime and have to protect chitako and go out on feeding missions to eat junkies and dealers.

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