Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Judge Dredd Review

Note; diss moovy iz 90z so I spell 90z, homie
judge dredd
this is my review on judge dredd (da 90s one)
its got Sylvester Stallone, Rob Schneider and Max Von Syndow
Most of these actors get bad reviews
when this came out everyone hated it
plus the video game was hated
its directed by danny cannon who did I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
its based on a comic from gaye olde englande by some malcontent who didn't like Margret thatcher
after some logos and comic book panels we get text explaining da backstory
so at the start of the 3rd millennium (what?? I don't know what dat is) da planet got f'd up and became a fist of the north star wasteland for some reason
so people crowded into mega cities and things got outta control with too much crime
wait, is that a jab at foreigners?
so after the law collapsed a new law and order thing happened
they gave normal people the power of judge, jury and executioner and let them loose on the violence jack cities
they were called... judges
how original
so now its the year 2139 according to imdb and rob schniedr gets outta jail
after flying through the mega city he lands in a riot in the slums
he goes to an apartment and its full of gun toting homies
the homies open fire on the riot below
then the judges arrive
Hershey and brisco
wait, brisco?
like law and order?
you know briscoes nephew played by his son chris orbach did anime
and a few p0rn0 animes
then judge dredd comes in and tells e to stop
the homies open fire but dredd knows hes outta range of their guns
btw dredds armor looks really plastic
I love it
so the judges go up and shred some homies
but brisco bites it
so dredd shreds em
with his bad a55 gun
he reads the charges to the guy who iced brisco and wastes him when e attacks dredd
Hershey is bummed brisco bit it but dredd don't care
then dredd gets schnider out of a food robot
he hid in it to avoid the homies but gets 5 years for tampering with a robot
dredds coldd
later the head judges talk about how crime is getting to much for em
jurgen pronchow wants to expand executions
later a reporter does a hate piece on dredd
like dat morgan spurlock commie on mcdonalds
dredd takes off his helmet and we see his face which never happens in da book
he chats with max von syndow who taught him how to judge
now 2 days a week at the academy dredd teaches ethics
meanwhile, in aspen prison, some guy goes in and talks (oh its the warden) to the bad guy of the film in his isolation cel
the bad guy (named rico like in starship troopers) icede too many innocent people
rico got a package from some guy
the package turns into a laser and rico gets warden through the throat buit it don't affect his spine
the autoguns wack him as it don't recognize his voice
then rico takes out da guards
later dredd is giving a class to the cadets
he tells em how da law is important and how they're doomed even if they live
also after retiring, judges go out into da wastelandz to do justice to the mad max warriors
later dredd chats with Hershey and hes kinda gloomy and shes more upbeat
dredd used to have a friend but judged him
so I guess that's it for friends ever for him right?
I played a sega game, but it was hard. so that's it
later rico gets back in the megacity by faking being a body
why'd they bring bodies back?
are they gonna make soylent green?!
well, Schneider's robot did mention... RECYCLED FOOD!!!
so rico picks up a package at a used shop and its a judge blaster
he ices the shop owner and gets a big a55 robot that looks realy epic
later the reporter is gonna air a thing that can bring down the council
but a judge comes in and shreds him
btw, if the council goes down, wont society crumble and go back to mad max?
I mean look what happened when oh bba mma took down gadaffy
the people went nuts and it turned into cave man times
people b0ning and wacking eachother non stop
its like freekin violence jack!
later Hershey handles a drunk driver
hes pretty brash and boastful
so dredd blows his car
why is he so brash to a judge?!
they was ice you no sweat
btw dredds catch phrase is; I knew u'd say dat!
how 90s
its like in sonic or something
then judge gets arrested for murder
he asks for Hershey to be his lawyer
they're lawyers too?!
at trial they have video they loop of the reporter getting iced and saying; dredd! no!!
but the video is low def and the uniform can be faked
in the 2130s they have low def video?
but in da 2010s we have 4k
the video is thrown out
but the secret evidence sez the judge blaster works by marking bullets with the dna of the judge
and Hershey had no info on it
btw the dna is scanned by the hand grip
but I thought they wore gloves
the bullets in da reporter match dredd
dredd; its a lie! I never broke da law! I am da law!!!
that's lol
totally what I want a guy who decides who gets to live to say
so jurgen offen I mean pronchow sez if max von syndow retires, his last wish can be done
also something about dreed and another guy both being killers
and a secret project needing to stay secret
so dredd gets the chair but max von syndow reties and has them give him life in prison
then he goes to the wasteland
Hershey gets a baby picture of dredd from his locker
rick chats with jurgen about how jurgens plans working
syndow is out, dredds out and the reporters in h-ll
later the jet going to prison with inmates on it has Schneider and dredd next to eachother
but he was sentenced just...
is this only a day or 2 later?!
they argue
dredd sez hes here for a mistake
rob sez he is too but dredd sez the law don't make em
Schneider sez; how'd u get here then?
its like dredds a liberal with dat logic
a homie tries to knife dredd but some rednecks take out the jet
later Hershey tries to find out who the man in this photo with dredd is but her comp is shut down by da gov
kinda like Nintendo bricking your machine for ding something they don't want
or levi's burning your jeans when you sew your name in em
later the rescue team finds dredds gone
so jurgen has them execute the pilot to say no one survived
so the red necks caught dredd and Schneider
one is a cyborg with really good effects
it looks real
also he has a dial on his head that controls mood
Schneider fakes being Christian to get em to like him
I thought he was jewish
but it turns out the rednecks are cannibals
that's racist
so dred gets out and takes out the red necks
and turns off the cyborg
then the recue team comes in and dred ices em
one survived but syndow saves him
then the cyborg has turned back on somehow and shanks syndow
yeah that makes sense
dredd ices him by frying him with electricity on a power chord on his metal spine
meanwhile, Hershey and some nerd find dredds baby picture is fake
by removing artificial pixels they see he was really in a lab and the parents were added in
that's not how it works
the picture was printed out
then scanned in to remove the pixels
its like it I took a picture of people behind a sign and moved the sign after it was developed
as syndow is biting it he laments on how things got f'd
40 years ago dna was taken and his was a best
it was modified to be perfect
and dredds whole life was a lie
also rico is his brother
dredd realizes rico is alive as his dna is da same as dredds
and syndows order to execute rico was ignored
the syndow bites it
also there was a big statue of justice in the rednecks place for some reason
dredd didn't know anything about it
yet then he has an epic moment looking at it
meanwhile, jurgen and rico and rico's lawyer who sed he was nuts to get him off (didn't work) return to the dna project
they're dooin it to bring order to society
so are they liberals?
doing bad to try to do their version of good?
the project files are locked away
so jurgen has traps set up thast waste lotsa judges
riots are breaking out without judges to patrol the city
and if they get all untrained cadets out it wont be up to full power for a while
so jurgen offen has em unlock the project files to engineer a new batch of judges and grow em in cyber tubes
but how will they know anything?
they were born yesterday!
dredd needed to go to the academy!
later dredd and rob try to go in to the city by going in a tube that blasts flame every 30 seconds
I think Yugioh 5ds ripped that off
and that episode was directed by Masaharu Tomoda who also did the ova of nami sos
b4 they go, Schneider b--ches about dredd ruining him
and wants him to apologize
but dredd sez he never does
they run through it and dredd opens a hole in da floor to let em escape the fireblast
later dredd and Schneider knock out a judge and dredd takes off his clothes
rob thinks dredds gonna b0ne him
jurgen finds they can grow a new group in 8 hours
when the council rejects the idea he has rico waste em
dredd goes in and finds rico
then a gun fight and he and rob escape on a hoverbike by shooting through a wall and driving out the building
theres a pretty cool chase where dredd drives and rob shoots
the effects look like jingle all the way with the turbo man fight at the end
later they stop by hersheys place and she holds him at gunpoint
only to drop it and trust dredd after an offscreen talk
also its been 48 hours of judges biting it and rico put his dna in the machine to make clone judges
working together they realize the base is under the statue of liberty (also it was moved b4)
jurgen finds out about rico's dna and tries to stop him
but the big a55 robot grabs him and removes his arms/legs offscreen
the trio comes in the statue but the big a55 robot comes in
he caps rob Schneider and grabs Hershey
dredd drops his gun when rico is gnna order big a55 robot to snap hersheys neck and they go to the chamber
rico reveals his master plan and wants dredd to join him
they have some back and forth and dredd don't consent to rico
so rico sends his big a55 robot after dredd
but rob schneider saves them by f ing with the robot
rico orders the clones to acitivate but theyre only 60%
the rico lawyer fights Hershey and dredd ices the clones offscreen
the place starts going f'd and blowing
rico fights dredd in da head of the stature of liberty
dredd gets knocked out and rick is gonna ice him
he charges him with cr-p ad tries to cap him
but the guns outta ammo
dredd grabs da gun, makes it fire a flare, and sends rico outta the statue
the rico lawyer is gonna ice dredd but Hershey wastes her
the next day dredds forgiven and the truth got out about the project
they want him to be chief justice but he just goes out on his motor bike to regular work
oh and rob schneiders still alve and they are still low on judges and the council is in h-ll
the end
honestly, that was entertaining
I liked it
good 90s action
yeah its not accurate to the comic
but its still cool
I enjoyed it
its not trying to be gone with the wind or birth of a nation
and both were changed from the books they were based on
yeah it could've been better but its not awful as it is
for demolition man I mean judge dredd 2 I want the megacity to be in ruins from not enough judges and too much crime. even dredd cant handle all these malcontents b0ning and eating eachother and tearing up the city's a55. the new council made of judges who were the next best after dredd says they gotta do rico's plan of making clones of new judges to replace the forces. but rico is still around as he survived the fal by landing just right and busting his legs. also he's genetically superior and can take more damage. he comes back with a centipede lower half and cyber arms that are made of the judge guns. also its a 2d run and gun game where you play as dredd and go around shredding crooks while sometimes having a vehicle or rocket pack level and its on n64, sega Saturn and playstation 1

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