Sunday, July 8, 2018

Alexander Review

note this is a long film. also ttypoes
this is my review on alexander from the 2000s
its got colin feral, an Irishman, as the greek/roman dude
in Yugioh capsule monsters they fought an evil version of him or w/e
i'm kinda inrto history so lets see if I like this
I saw it b4 but that was a while ago
huh, its directed by oliver stone
im watching this on fox 29 so they censored the nips
after an enchanting opening that feels 90s, its june 323 bc in babylon
someone bits it and then its 40 years later and Anthony Hopkins talks about someone he liked
he's in a lot of historical things
he goes on a history lesson about phillip who took over a lot
then flashback to 350 bc and how alexander might be the son of a greek god
Angelina jolee plays his creepy a55 mom who ets him to play with a snake
then the king comes in and starts trying to b0ne her
he nearly kills al and some guys come in and jolee gets b--chy
later al is doing greek wrestling and sez he will beat his teacher one day
later hes getting a lesson that sez asians are less civilized
al wants to know about legends and asks why if other groups are inferior, why don't he rile them
btw my fat a55 gf keeps spamming me with cr-p on skype and its hard to review this
later da king cant handle a wyld stallion so al tames it by noticing it fears its shadow and he works with him
btw a conquerer and a big black horse was done in fist of the north star with raoh/ken-oh and kokuoh-go
so al instantly tames it and rides it well
maybe he used his ki?
king is proud of al
later king tells greek history of the gods and titans and Prometheus and achillies
and he warns him of him mom with other greek history
and how kings aint born, theyre made through trials
that's why America failed in 08-16
also the kennedys
then al goes to take out kind darius
they mis say it as darr rai us
its dare e us
this fruity guy who I think is jared leto kinda comes on to al and gives advice
man we're 30 mins in
that felt like nothing
good pacing
only 5 more 30 mins left
al gives a speech that mel Gibson did better in braveheart
I think the king got wacked by darius's assassin
so they go into battle and xerxes I mean darious sends his men
eventually al comes in and aims for the gap in their defence lines
lol 1 guy sez "back and to the left"
just like when L bj iced j fk
al sees daruiis and calls his name
that'll tip him off
he rides in on his big black horse and datious sees him and books it
the battles not going well for the makedonianoes and al falls back
somehow he took out the darious country
I thought he was losing
and at age 025 years, he bat the baddest dudes in the area
then flashback to king telling him cr-p about da gods
then al comes back a hero
btw, he's blonde in here
like sailor moon and venus
I think hes in Babylon
so daruis's daughter comes in asking for mercy for her fam
and wants to still be treated as a princess
for some reason al consents
meanwhile, jolee is malcontent about al not goig back and ding cr-p for her
she writes a disgruntled manipulative letter to him
man this b--ch is twisted
and she wants to come to Babylon
later al tALKs to frooty booty about problems hes got
he mentions people mating in public
is it the pride parade?
hes having personal issues as his cr-ppy parents f'd him up
his mom made him think hes an ubermench and his dad taught him hes cr-p
also hes gay for jared leto
later al finds darius iced by his own men
and starts naming all the places he founds "Alexandria"
this guys an egomaniac
even Donald trump didn't name all his kids Donald jr
although theres like 4 joe Kennedy's
the 1st was awful and his sins ruined their f'd up fam
later al wants to marry a foreigner
but his men don't want him mixing his dna with forirghers
I should mention i'm half polish half Slovenian and my fat bimbo gf is Portuguese
despite his peoples racial issues, he marrys her anyway
although I should say; i'm glad they didn't censor the racial issues
its part of history
later frooty booty hugs al and al's wife comes in
she's not glad hes into b0ning guys
just like on springer
then he takes her upstairs and tries b0ning her
but stops to get her to consent first
then they breed
jolee goes on a monologue about telling al wat to do
then kits 10 year later and jolee goes on a monologue about what will happen if al goes to battle
and his mom wants him to marry of his own race to have a pure bred child
and bashes al's dad
wat is she? a feminist?
so he puts his head in her la and she rubs his hair
creepy a55 Angelina jolee
she wants him to make a successor b4 leaving to battle
he tells jolee to treat his wife with respect
later al is out on the campaign and 1 guy seppukus
this blonde wiener gets the blame and is executed
at least they didn't b0ne him dead
al has someone assassinated and I think he b0nes jared leto
then I think its a flashback where someone puts a toast to kings legitimate sons and al gets triggered
e causes a scene
dad tells al off and his b--chy mom wjo wants him iced
oh king married another woman and al's p-ssed over it
king falls on his a55 and al mocks him
so king exiles him
then al goes to india
hes got a mobile empire of cooks and drs and cr-p
young Anthony hoipkins talks with al about bringing the army home to see their fams
but al wans to go on until he reaches the end
then its 326 bc and hes in india in a jungle
he fights monkeys and catches a few
then it rains 60 days
a snake gets 1 guy
and the local water s-cked
wat a h-llhole
after al beats a country, he gives da kings their land back to rule as allys
but the army don't like it
da indians say his greek god came there years b4
so al's wife hates the Indians and wants to go home
at dinner 1 guy bashes how low al's army sunk
and how al's dad was better and wouldn't have barbarians as equals
and sez how hes not the kid of a greek god
al sees him as his dad and goes mental and has him arrested
then sees his dad everywhere, freaks out and shanks him
then theres some creepy statues and al returns home
when did al build the pyramid for the shadow games in capsule monsters world?
wait, him returning home is a flashback to him and king returning
and I think the king has a new kid
king sez al can always trust the guy al shanked and to treat guy as him
they're having wedding games (not games of wedding peach)
a guy smooches king and shanks him
and jolee watches on
the hitman is caught
and frooty booty leto sez al is da new king
later al gives a speech to give his men ready for battle
but they're sick of him
like America after 8 years of democrat rule
1 guy sez he's had enuff and now they gotta fight elephant monsters for monkey tribes
what is this? the wizard of oz?
al gives a speech against him to inspire them
but they don't care and make comments at him
so he goes mental
wtf he executed his men for getting sick of him
at least when Genghis khan wiped out that Chinese race they betrayed him 1st
here al p-ssed em off and when they spoke out he iced em
what a p o s
he gets a letter from Aristotle
then the screen iris opens and they fight elephants in the jungle
this is bad a55
as they advance, 2 groups come on da sides
then from behind
1 elephant gets its nose tentacle cut off and dangle
al attacks to save his surrounded homies
al elephant skewers a got on its mouth horns
1 guy lifts the armor flap and slices it
it steps on a guy
he talks to his horse and goes on attack
btw in fist of the north star; raoh's horse kokuoh go was as big an a elephant
al rides in with a crazed look and charges the elephant in slo mo
but gets shot through the horse neck and into him with arrow
then speared
the screen goes red as he las low hit points and his men chargeto save him
froty booty gets hit near the crotch
they bring down the elephant
the other elephants book it
it was da most violent fight of al's career
narrator Anthony Hopkins sez they'd never be men again
well, jared keto did get his parts destroyed
al has a flashback to confronting jolee ovet her icing king
he sees shes evil
she keeps trying to twist him against king
didn't this happen in Beowulf?
she did it to make al a big shot
after dat he stopped seeing her
so al survives and sez they're going home
so on the trip a bunch of his guys bite it
and his butt buddy jared leto has hepatitis or w/e from mixing native water and wine
they have a tacked on bummer moment as every movie has to have one by law
al sez his plans he has with leto
just like in revenge of the living zombies aka flesheater (maybe 2 ) how the couple plan their lives, go outside and get capped
al has his butt buddy's dr executed as he's going nuts
then finds his wife and blames her for icing the guy hes cheeting on her with
he tries icing her but she ez shes pregnant and he has a freeky experience and his inner child tells him to stop
later he has a party and wears a lion skin
wasn't that Hercules?
one of the 12 labors was icing a lion?
al chuggs a thing of wine and falls over
so he's biting it for some reason
and wife sez in 3 months she gon poop out his son
to be fair, in modern day medicine, we can save a baby born 5.5 months premature
he has flashbacks of his life and bites it
the empire broke up and his fam got iced
back in Hopkins telling the story time zone he sez they all iced him by not believing in him
he fought to be free from fear and it made him the most free
and his losing was better than most wins
and he was da greatest alexander of em all
the end
btw his son was iced at 13
alexi the czars son was too
that was not so bad a film
the ending music is pretty cool too
wtf val kilmer was in this
I mean I don't know every thing about the true story
but this was entertaining and had good pacing
its almost as long as birth of a nation and don't feel like it
good effects
I like how jolee was the bad guy
and it didn't queer out about showing animals biting it
animal gore
nowadays they'd go mental over it
yeah shopping people up is cool, but don't  spit on a cat. that's a hate crime
I heard the greeks tried to sue the makers of this
imagine the south suing Hollywood for making all those anti confederate films
or England suing mel Gibson for his movies where he fights those evil brits
but I thought this was good
for alexander 2 I want his son to be revealed to have survived his assassination and gone into hiding. he works his way finding out who tried to ice him and staying under cover while taking them out 1 at a time in really gory ways. also its an 8 bit NES, Sega Master System Turbografix 16 game and you play as al's son going around finding clues and interrogating people by deboning them with your bare hands.

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