Alexander Review

note this is a long film. also ttypoes

alexander

this is my review on alexander from the 2000s

its got colin feral, an Irishman, as the greek/roman dude

in Yugioh capsule monsters they fought an evil version of him or w/e

i'm kinda inrto history so lets see if I like this

I saw it b4 but that was a while ago

huh, its directed by oliver stone

im watching this on fox 29 so they censored the nips

after an enchanting opening that feels 90s, its june 323 bc in babylon

someone bits it and then its 40 years later and Anthony Hopkins talks about someone he liked

he's in a lot of historical things

noah

thor

this

he goes on a history lesson about phillip who took over a lot

then flashback to 350 bc and how alexander might be the son of a greek god

Angelina jolee plays his creepy a55 mom who ets him to play with a snake

then the king comes in and starts trying to b0ne her

he nearly kills al and some guys come in and jolee gets b--chy

later al is doing greek wrestling and sez he will beat his teacher one day

later hes getting a lesson that sez asians are less civilized

al wants to know about legends and asks why if other groups are inferior, why don't he rile them

btw my fat a55 gf keeps spamming me with cr-p on skype and its hard to review this

later da king cant handle a wyld stallion so al tames it by noticing it fears its shadow and he works with him

btw a conquerer and a big black horse was done in fist of the north star with raoh/ken-oh and kokuoh-go

so al instantly tames it and rides it well

maybe he used his ki?

king is proud of al

later king tells greek history of the gods and titans and Prometheus and achillies

and he warns him of him mom with other greek history

and how kings aint born, theyre made through trials

that's why America failed in 08-16

also the kennedys

then al goes to take out kind darius

they mis say it as darr rai us

its dare e us

this fruity guy who I think is jared leto kinda comes on to al and gives advice

man we're 30 mins in

that felt like nothing

good pacing

only 5 more 30 mins left

al gives a speech that mel Gibson did better in braveheart

I think the king got wacked by darius's assassin

so they go into battle and xerxes I mean darious sends his men

eventually al comes in and aims for the gap in their defence lines

lol 1 guy sez "back and to the left"

just like when L bj iced j fk

al sees daruiis and calls his name

why?

that'll tip him off

he rides in on his big black horse and datious sees him and books it

the battles not going well for the makedonianoes and al falls back

wtf

somehow he took out the darious country

how?

I thought he was losing

and at age 025 years, he bat the baddest dudes in the area

then flashback to king telling him cr-p about da gods

then al comes back a hero

btw, he's blonde in here

like sailor moon and venus

wait

I think hes in Babylon

so daruis's daughter comes in asking for mercy for her fam

and wants to still be treated as a princess

for some reason al consents

meanwhile, jolee is malcontent about al not goig back and ding cr-p for her

she writes a disgruntled manipulative letter to him

man this b--ch is twisted

and she wants to come to Babylon

later al tALKs to frooty booty about problems hes got

he mentions people mating in public

is it the pride parade?

hes having personal issues as his cr-ppy parents f'd him up

his mom made him think hes an ubermench and his dad taught him hes cr-p

also hes gay for jared leto

later al finds darius iced by his own men

and starts naming all the places he founds "Alexandria"

this guys an egomaniac

even Donald trump didn't name all his kids Donald jr

although theres like 4 joe Kennedy's

the 1st was awful and his sins ruined their f'd up fam

later al wants to marry a foreigner

but his men don't want him mixing his dna with forirghers

I should mention i'm half polish half Slovenian and my fat bimbo gf is Portuguese

despite his peoples racial issues, he marrys her anyway

although I should say; i'm glad they didn't censor the racial issues

its part of history

later frooty booty hugs al and al's wife comes in

she's not glad hes into b0ning guys

just like on springer

then he takes her upstairs and tries b0ning her

but stops to get her to consent first

then they breed

jolee goes on a monologue about telling al wat to do

then kits 10 year later and jolee goes on a monologue about what will happen if al goes to battle

and his mom wants him to marry of his own race to have a pure bred child

and bashes al's dad

wat is she? a feminist?

so he puts his head in her la and she rubs his hair

creepy a55 Angelina jolee

she wants him to make a successor b4 leaving to battle

he tells jolee to treat his wife with respect

later al is out on the campaign and 1 guy seppukus

this blonde wiener gets the blame and is executed

at least they didn't b0ne him dead

al has someone assassinated and I think he b0nes jared leto

then I think its a flashback where someone puts a toast to kings legitimate sons and al gets triggered

e causes a scene

dad tells al off and his b--chy mom wjo wants him iced

oh king married another woman and al's p-ssed over it

king falls on his a55 and al mocks him

so king exiles him

then al goes to india

hes got a mobile empire of cooks and drs and cr-p

young Anthony hoipkins talks with al about bringing the army home to see their fams

but al wans to go on until he reaches the end

then its 326 bc and hes in india in a jungle

he fights monkeys and catches a few

then it rains 60 days

a snake gets 1 guy

and the local water s-cked

wat a h-llhole

after al beats a country, he gives da kings their land back to rule as allys

but the army don't like it

da indians say his greek god came there years b4

so al's wife hates the Indians and wants to go home

at dinner 1 guy bashes how low al's army sunk

and how al's dad was better and wouldn't have barbarians as equals

and sez how hes not the kid of a greek god

al sees him as his dad and goes mental and has him arrested

then sees his dad everywhere, freaks out and shanks him

then theres some creepy statues and al returns home

when did al build the pyramid for the shadow games in capsule monsters world?

wait, him returning home is a flashback to him and king returning

and I think the king has a new kid

king sez al can always trust the guy al shanked and to treat guy as him

they're having wedding games (not games of wedding peach)

a guy smooches king and shanks him

and jolee watches on

the hitman is caught

and frooty booty leto sez al is da new king

later al gives a speech to give his men ready for battle

but they're sick of him

like America after 8 years of democrat rule

1 guy sez he's had enuff and now they gotta fight elephant monsters for monkey tribes

what is this? the wizard of oz?

al gives a speech against him to inspire them

but they don't care and make comments at him

so he goes mental

wtf he executed his men for getting sick of him

at least when Genghis khan wiped out that Chinese race they betrayed him 1st

here al p-ssed em off and when they spoke out he iced em

what a p o s

he gets a letter from Aristotle

then the screen iris opens and they fight elephants in the jungle

this is bad a55

as they advance, 2 groups come on da sides

then from behind

1 elephant gets its nose tentacle cut off and dangle

bada55

al attacks to save his surrounded homies

al elephant skewers a got on its mouth horns

1 guy lifts the armor flap and slices it

it steps on a guy

he talks to his horse and goes on attack

btw in fist of the north star; raoh's horse kokuoh go was as big an a elephant

al rides in with a crazed look and charges the elephant in slo mo

but gets shot through the horse neck and into him with arrow

then speared

the screen goes red as he las low hit points and his men chargeto save him

froty booty gets hit near the crotch

they bring down the elephant

the other elephants book it

it was da most violent fight of al's career

narrator Anthony Hopkins sez they'd never be men again

well, jared keto did get his parts destroyed

al has a flashback to confronting jolee ovet her icing king

he sees shes evil

she keeps trying to twist him against king

didn't this happen in Beowulf?

she did it to make al a big shot

after dat he stopped seeing her

so al survives and sez they're going home

so on the trip a bunch of his guys bite it

and his butt buddy jared leto has hepatitis or w/e from mixing native water and wine

they have a tacked on bummer moment as every movie has to have one by law

al sez his plans he has with leto

just like in revenge of the living zombies aka flesheater (maybe 2 ) how the couple plan their lives, go outside and get capped

al has his butt buddy's dr executed as he's going nuts

then finds his wife and blames her for icing the guy hes cheeting on her with

he tries icing her but she ez shes pregnant and he has a freeky experience and his inner child tells him to stop

later he has a party and wears a lion skin

wasn't that Hercules?

one of the 12 labors was icing a lion?

al chuggs a thing of wine and falls over

so he's biting it for some reason

and wife sez in 3 months she gon poop out his son

to be fair, in modern day medicine, we can save a baby born 5.5 months premature

he has flashbacks of his life and bites it

the empire broke up and his fam got iced

back in Hopkins telling the story time zone he sez they all iced him by not believing in him

he fought to be free from fear and it made him the most free

and his losing was better than most wins

and he was da greatest alexander of em all

the end

btw his son was iced at 13

alexi the czars son was too

that was not so bad a film

the ending music is pretty cool too

wtf val kilmer was in this

I mean I don't know every thing about the true story

but this was entertaining and had good pacing

its almost as long as birth of a nation and don't feel like it

good effects

I like how jolee was the bad guy

and it didn't queer out about showing animals biting it

animal gore

nowadays they'd go mental over it

yeah shopping people up is cool, but don't  spit on a cat. that's a hate crime

I heard the greeks tried to sue the makers of this

imagine the south suing Hollywood for making all those anti confederate films

or England suing mel Gibson for his movies where he fights those evil brits

but I thought this was good

for alexander 2 I want his son to be revealed to have survived his assassination and gone into hiding. he works his way finding out who tried to ice him and staying under cover while taking them out 1 at a time in really gory ways. also its an 8 bit NES, Sega Master System Turbografix 16 game and you play as al's son going around finding clues and interrogating people by deboning them with your bare hands.