Monday, July 2, 2018

One-Eyed Jacks Review

note; I didn't see this b4. but I have sprellef bad b4
one-eyed javks
this is my review on one-eyed jacks
its starring and directed by that fat a55 p0rn0 purvurt marlon brando
its also got karl malden
its based on a book I never read
I never was impressed by brandoes acting
dan green in Yugioh was better
so after credits its in mexico  in the 80s
the 1880s
brando is eating a banada
I could make both a fat joke or a sodomy joke there
they rob a bank
he also almost takes a Mexican chicks ring
after booking it he goes off and has dinner with the chick
then smooches her w/o consent
but she fights him off
better than last tango in paris
then acts sorry about it
later hes in bed with some 5kank making out
some Mexicans come into this sallooon and cap a guy
wait, its not brando with da 5kank
he goes out da window and over a rof and escapes on a horse
meanwhile brando tries to give the chick his moms ring
they make out (with consent this time) and the guy in bed rides by
he tells brando to haul a55 and brando takes back his ring and books it
later they are being chased by Mexicans in da wastelands
as they ride 1 guys horse gets capped and they sniper the mexicos from a hill
in a 1 hour the mecinas will return
brando wants to go and get a new horse in a near town
brando rigs a game of chance to let his homie go
5 years later 2 caveman looking are running around in rags and with beards
its like planet of the apes 1
and brando wants revenge on someone
later brando goes to see da homie and homie is doing well
he explains when he got there the mexcanis there didn't speak English
and had no horses
and when he got back brando was caught
so he went to montery and cleaned up and became sherrif
brando sez he stole a horse and got away and drank
brando is invited to dinner and meets his fam
at dinner they pray and talk about the past
he sez hes done being a robber
later breando sez with his gang hes gonna jack a bank and oice some guy
later brando buys a necklace rom a chick for 30 $
its at a festival
sheriff homie tells brandoes homies they can stay for the festival but gotta go after
brando talks to the sherrifs wife and sez bye at night
wait, its his step daughter
wie wants sheffir to check in on step daughter
later brando gives the daughter, I think, the necklace he bought and sez its his moms
then smooches her
as it fades out after hat I think they b0ned
later its day and they r on da beach
she sez she missed him and I think its da chick from b4
he admits he lied to her and hes a bank robber
even the necklace thing
and he even lies about how much he paid for it when coming out to her
and she ditches him and at night on the way back one of brandoes gang confronts her
the next day someone tells sherrf his woman or daughter or w/e was out all night with bando
brando;s name is rio in here
like sharks sister in Yugioh zexal
or ryo from Devilman
he confronts her and she sez they just walked on da beach
wait I think it really was the daughter
the mom confronts her and daughters bummed
he sez she didn't b0ne him
later a guy at a bar forces his 5kank to drink booze as punishment for acting up
here comes the air plane
then brando assaults him
she tries to kice da guy and guy grabs a gun
but takes too long and brando wacks him
sherrif has brando hand over his firearm
but he don't wanna
so shefrrif summons snipers in attack mode
he then has brando tied to a thing and whips him
as brando was in a p0rn0 later, i'd say this is a sign of things to come
he nails him with a gun when brando wants to be iced and has him run outta town
oh he busted brandoes hand with da gun
imagine if he stuck it up his a55 and gave him a 45 caliber suppository
later  his gang tends his wounds
4 weeks later his hand is still f;d
btw busting the main guys hand was also done in the kung fu movie 36 crazy fists
he makes a hand chain thing and trains in how to use his dead hand again
after weeks of waiting his goons wanna shoot up the sherrif and take da bank
I just realized the scene of him whipping and busting brando was like in American history x where that na zi gang b0nes the hero
 the daughrer is bummed over the brando being rode out of town
later he's training (where do they get da bullets?) and daughter comes to see him
brado admits he wants to waste sherrf
he admits he was in prison for 5 years in a h-ll hole mexico prison
he dug maggots outta his sores and worked in a lead mine
looks like hes gonna bite it soon
lead is deadly
and sherrif was his best homoie but now he hates him for betaying him
and his ambition for revenge kept him going
just like in ben-hur
and the 2000s count of monte cristo
and fist of the north star
and he don't think murdering sherrif is murder
he wronged me, so imma ice him
how civilized
daughter wants him for not do it but he wont
so she ditches him, again
what is this? the princess getting caught in sonic 06?
later at a card game, 1 goon alludes to b0ning the daughter
brando freanks out, throws the table, and calls him a: scummm, suck king, pigg
kinda cr-ppy acting
later his goons go
but 1 of em starscreams himself as the new leader
his Mexican homie wants to stop him but the starscream has his bullets
then caps him and kicks him in the sea
starscream tells sherrif brandoes gonna ice him
then jacks a bank
but a girl comes in
when he picks up some dropped cash, teller shoots through the desk
but he fires back and in the gunfire both bite it as does the girl
I think it was not starscream ut his homie who bit it
sherrif goes after brando and catches him
they bring him in jail and brando tell him he was in mexico jail for 5 years
but sherrif don't buy it
daughter sees brando and he sez he wanted her to be his wife
she sez shes pregnant with his kid
maybe now sherrif is gonna bust brandoes parts
1 deputy tries to get brando to try to grab his rifle so he can cap brando
but brando don't bite
after closing the cell, he comments about taking care of the daughter and brando attacks him
calls him a "sobb of spitt"
kinda cr-ppy acting
at dinner wife asks if sherrif wants to ice brando for ditching him in he desert
she heard it from daughter
and she outs daughters pregnancy
sherrif gets p-ssed that wife lied to him about what daughter said in Mexican b4
and after all he did for her and daughter they don't trust him and turns on him
and he wants to ice brando sooner
later daughter brings food and sez her dad told her to do so
but guard checks the stew and finds a gun in it
she freaks out and is taken away
brando breaks his bed and makes a grappling hook to bring over the table with da gun on it
that's city property
he tilts it 1st to slide it over soo he can reach when its near
I never thought of dat
he holds the guy at gunpoint and almost counts to 8 to get him to unlock the cell
he gets the deputy in the cell and makes him get on hands and knees
brando gets is gun and reveals it wasn't loaded
then beats him up
imagine if he put the gun up his a55 and gave him a 22 caliber suppository
he locks deputy in and tries to getta horse
but sherrif sees him after deputy yells and they gunfight around a water fountain
bando ices him and runs off wit daughter
but hes not dead yet and fires 1 last shot
then collapses
later he tells daughter to tell mom he tried to run but sherrif didn't give him a chance
he wants to go to Oregon
she wants to later go to mexico but hes wanted there
he sez hed return and they kiss with consent
then he rides off into da wastelands
the end
that was not so bad
had a few good twists and ideas
too bad it was widescreen
its from da 60s and is a western and I thought it was good
not great or mind blowing
but entertaining
surprised they had teen pregnancy in here9how old is she?!)
huh, slim pickens was in here
and this was gona be directed by the director of the shining and 2001 a space odyssey
for one eyed jacks 2 I want it to be years later and brando still hasn't come back. his teen son is being raised by a recovered shefrrif who kept saying how brando was no good while the mom said he was good. he eventually goes on a quest to find him. but a long the way, finds others who are his illegitimate kids. he's been b0ning half of California  and has countless kids. and they all want a piece of him for ditching their moms for eachothers moms. its also an 8 bit platform game on Gameboy, sega master system and NES and you play as one of his many kids and try to find clues b4 the other kids get them (often taking them out)

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