Friday, July 27, 2018

The Ghost And The Darkness Review

note; my spelling is inspired by actual worfds
the ghost and the darkness
diss iz ma revew of da ghost and da darkbess from da 90s
its got Michael douglas and val kilmer
its based on actual events back when we had civil war suirvivors
the title sounds like a Yugioh card
so it starts in soviet London in 1898
narrator sez its da best African adventure
yeah but this was filmed before primeval happened in the 00s
narrator sez he was there and so was his homie who was there
so this moustache guy with a whip sez his only joy is tormenting his employees
once in grade school, our gym teacher got married, and a kid asked if he's into S before M
I think this guy is into S before M
so he wants to build a railroad to help modernize Africa
he germans and French are competing with soviet England
val is confident he can do it and his wife is pooping out a kid in 6 months
so the brits are the bad guys right?
maybe if this starred mel Gibson
val always wanted to see Africa
reminds me of Orlando jones in primeval
he wound up screaming "I hate f--king Africa!!" and got eaten by a gater
later val goes to Africa and meets s guide
I like how as this is a 90s film, they don't force cg too much
real matter on film
real trains
so they train ride like in Digimon season 4 and val knows everything about those crazy monsters he sees
wait til he sees a Mokele-mbembe
so val and guide arrive riding the front of the train and meet the narrator guy
they need val to build a bridge
hope its better than the river kwai one
also all the various races and faiths of workers hate eachother
also on the other side of the river ditch the workers are laying track futher away
also theres a dr who thinks the railroad is just to help the rich In the ivory trade
yeah cuz food and medicine and travel are only side effects
later val and guide go hunting at night and theres a lion val snipers
as its the 1800s, people cheer for it
nowadays animal supremacists would go on gee haaad on him
well in the white countries anyway
in most of the world that's seen as good
also 1 guy (I think narrator but im not sure as hes dressed different and im watching this in 240p) iced a lion with his bare hands
k its not narrator
it had a close up
also he senses something in the wind blowing
7 weeks later the bridge is being made
as they made that much in 7 weeks I think its non union
It took God 6 days to create all of existence.
After He was done, He rested.
Nowadays we got unions that slow everything down and take endless breaks before the job is done.
Not to mention holding the company hostage with strikes until they surrender to the union demands or have to either move out or shut down.
later narrator gives val the claws or teeth or w/e as a friendship bracelet
he writes a letter to his wife saying how things are going
and that he converted some natives
nowadays that would be shown as bad
then a lion takes a guy into the wild and wacks him
next day  finds whats left of him and caps birds eating it
ion licked off his skin, drank his blood, and ate him feet 1st
but lions don't eat that way
oh it was the bare hands guy who was eaten
this lion sounds bad a55
maybe a daemon lion
at night val tries to j f k the lion from a tree
but didn't get him
but lion got a guy
and the workers are freaked out
narrator suggests fences and fires and val is gonna send it back to h-ll
what would help is more guns
enough firepower and u don't need to aim
just ask leena from ziods
oh a guide is the one converting people
and he wants to save the souls of val and narrator
vals mom is catholic and dads prodestent
and narrator has 4 wives
they laugh about going to h-ll
laugh now but when queen elizabeth 01 and carl marx are b0ning u, you'll see its not so funny
later val reads his wifes letter and the lion attacks in daylight and eats people
guide gets a gun as val runs over
but val gets there and its a tense moment of where is the monster
its like alien or predator
they find it eating a guy
holy cr-p dat things huge!
its like a dinosaur!
val nearly picks it off
but a 2nd lion is on the roof and stops him!
btw lake placid 01 ripped this twist off
they get away
and in the chaos the guide got it
val quotes the bible over the guide
narrator sez the workers called the lions the ghost and the darkness
which one is which?
also lions don't hunt humans as duos or in daylight
the people think the lions are either
reincarnated medicine men
devil trying to stop white man from owning the world
narrator sez they were evil
and the place they work in translates to; place of slaughter
later da workers don't wanna continue
val gives a speech to get em to stay or go
S b4 M comes by and sez val cant have soldiers
val fills in s b4 m that the lions iced 30 men
s b4 m don't care a he only wants to be made a knight by the English regent
so its just like in the river kwai bridge
the higher rank brits don't care for the civilians under them
good thing in around 16 years zee Kaiser takes em on
val made a trap for the ions
he had a spare cage trap from trying to get a tiger in soviet india
but it didn't work there
s b4 m wanted remmington (steele??) to take out da lionz but val thinks he can ice em b4 rem gets there
s b4 m sez if val don't win, he  gon try to ruin vals rep
wat an a555555 hooooooole
val gets some guys with guns to go in the trap to lure da lions in but they are behind iron bars
1 lion gets in but they keep firing at da bars
also its strength is busting the joints of the cage
and they knock over a lamp
these guys s-ck!
when it roars the men have some kinda episode
maybe it is a daemon
it somehow gets out the back that fell apart and its totally unharmed
val busts the mens butts over them screwing up
the workers revolt
but Michael douglass as a buffalo bill looking homie pulls a gun on the guy leading the uprising and calms things
also hes got a band of africans
he knows narrator
douglass is streetwise and figures things out quick
k I looked it up and douglass plays remmington
and this film is from 96
and directed by the guy who did
lost in space (1998 ver)
predator 02
and a nightmare on elm street 5 the dream child (which I have on vhs)
so rem wants val to look good so workers don't lose respect 4 him
narrator sez rems backstory of his fam getting iced in da civil war and he ditched America
sounds like he was confederate and had to leave or union commies would take him out
so now he hunts all over da world
and thinks Africa is the last good place
and narrator fears lions
then rem has some weird ritual which I assume is him Africanizing himself with magic
the next day they go out after the lions
val finds 1 and fires
but his gun f's out
he freezes as rem yells to cap him
then rem fires on it
turns out, val swapped gun with dr
oh and lion got away
maybe its got some kind of spiritual power
like a ki thing
but rem denies it
they get the sick out of the area and clean up da place
then soak the hospital in blood
and litter it with animals
then seal the exits
rem tells val he tried the trap thing b4
but it didn't work
but was still a good idea
so theyre locked in and da lions are out
I realized if they had a Gatling gun or put out poison meat it might do something
or get a priest to rebuke the lion monsters
but this is America so they use guns
so the lion gets the wounded in the hospital
but are gone when the good guys get there
later the workers have booked it
narrator gives val his lion friendship necklace
val and rem go after the liones
good music as they prepare to enter da cave
in it they find many human bones
rem sez lions don't do this
da next day they get a baboon as lions hate their sounds
val gets on an 80s playground equipment thing to j f k da lions
rem sez the lions r after val
and its Christmas
then at night da baboon freaks out
a bird knocks val off his wood thing and lion attacks
I think
its weirdly edited
a gun went off
later it jumps but gets capped
later rem talks about if they can remember this adventure
val wants to see his son born
then his wife and kid come to see him
but the lion gets em
turns out its a dream
reminds me of naked gun 33 1/3rd with frank drebins dream
he gets his gun and goes out
I think rem got it
btw in the real story rem wasn't in it and val iced the lions himself
they torch the area
narrator and val
then its night and val shoots in the airas the grass burns
as he walks da bridge, da lion comes up and he falls back to escape and drops his gun
how long was it there?
was it waiting 4 him?
he gets his handgun and fires
what is this? metal slug?
so he runs and it chases him up a tree
narrator throws a rifle but it misses
val jumps out of a tree, gets da gun and fires
it keeps coming so val shoots again
game over
user wins
also he looks kinda like the guy from die hard 1 wit that wife beater and pants and straps
later a new guy comes in wishing he was there 4 da hunt
val sez; no u don't
and da workers returned
and his wife and kid are here
why didn't the lions rt their ki attacks to freeze the hunters?
maybe they had to be at full life to do it and the hit they took stopped it
narrator sez he finished da bridge
and the lions are in Chicago at a museum
holy cr-p I think I was there b4!
the one with the huge dinosaur skeleton in the room right?
narrator sez if u lock yes with em, u will be afraid
the end
that was pretty good
not epic or super awesome
but it had good parts and told a good story
yeah it changed things, but I think it still worked'
nowadays they cant have animals as the bad guys
well, not mammals anyway
sharks and bugs are ok to ice
but a dog? worse than a human child
for the ghost and the darkness 2 I want it to be revealed the French were the ones who sent the lions by using black magic to create them out of shaman souls. also they are trying to start a war between England and germany so they can rise up and take over in the aftermath. but this german teen who worked on the railroad has found plans for them to take out franz Ferdinand of Austria to start da war. and he's gotta fight his way through africa to get to german African turf to get it to zee Kaiser. also its a 1 player action game like Zelda where you play as this blonde teen and fight frenchies and brits and Africa monsters to save germany. but the French have made  2 new animals, a rhino and an elephant, and you gotta take em down by getting pieces of a magic samurai sword that can cut through anything hidden in Africa.

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