They Made Me A Criminal Review

notew; I spell like a 30s homie

they made me a criminal

this is my review on they made me a criminal

its a remake of some 33 film and part of the dead end kids film series

its got john fgarfield and claude rains and may robson who was born in the slavery day

ooh, music my max steiner

hes good

so it starts with a boxing match

main guy pummels the foe and wins

lol his name is jonny

like da room with tommy Wiseau

he gives a clean positive view on winning to da fans

now hes world champion

a cop brings him a watch he loves

claude puts it on jonnys right hand as hes a lefty

claude sent an innocent guy to da chain(hes a cop)

1 guy mocks jonny for not drinking and b0ning a buncha chicks

wat next? making fun of him for not having aids?

later jonny is drunk and with some bimbo

if this were made today. they'd be b0ning

later another bimbo comes in and drinks his booze

she playfully fights him

johhny doesn't think friends are real and anyone who likes him is after something

he reveals his wholesome act is a lie and hes really scum

but 1 guy I there is a reporter

jonny tries to stop him but is too drunk and falls over

jonnys manager kills reporter with a bottle to the skull

then he and 1st bimbo carry jonny out and drive him to some place

manager tells bimbo johhny iced the guy but she thinks it don't sound like jonny

johhny doesn't drunk?

then gets drunk?

he hit a guy?

but its a lie?

its the room!!

also maganer jacks jonnys watch

they drink and drive and radio sez jonnys wanted for icing the reporter

they floor it but cops chase em

they crash and the car goes up in a freekin fireball

cr-ppy a55 union made American cr-pmobile

then newspapers say jonny bit it in da crash

the next day or week or w/ew, jonny wakes up and finds himself in a new place

but hes not tied up with leather like Charlie sheen

he reads da paper and hinds hes dead

he calls some guy and sez he cant recall killed the reporter

so guy sez to stay faking dead and to live someway else

and he cant get his bank account 10 grand

guy writes him a check and change his looks

da cops thin they closed the case

but detective clause conan sez he don't think so

the watch was on a different hole size and the wrong wrist

and hes gonna prove jonnies still alive to win back his status after having an innocent man executed

so the guy get jonnys cash from da bank somehow but takes most of it as his fee

and jonny cant do sh-t as he'd get da chair for it

guy tells jonny to not act tough nor use his fighting stance or he'd get fingered

and gives him 250$

jonnk travels like a hobo across the US America to Arizona

in a restaurant he drops a cash but a guy takes it

he nearly beats him but holds back

later hes on a train roof and jumps off as a guy is after him

then walks across the mad max violence jack wasteland of Arizona and comes by a forest

man we're like half an hour in with adds and it feels like nothing

good flow

also its made in 39 like gone with the wind and wizard of oz

so in da forest is a blonde and a buncha kids/slaves working on it collecting dates to sell

btw jonny keeps using the work "sucker" over and over

its his phobia

he blacks out and blonde nurses him back to health with milk(probably from her b00bs as I don't see any cows or stores here)

lotsa blondes in here

they talk and he smooches her w/o consent

nowadays they'd make him look like a butt raepist for dat

he gives em lies about being from texas

after they leave he gets dressed in his clothes and leaves

they took off his clothes?!

and put him in jammies?!

naked men!!

this kid bugs him and he shoved him in the dirt

kid attacks him and so does grandma from the slavery days

the other dead end kids are there and he wants work

he ges in a pit spitting contest with a kid and kid wins

the kids are delinquents and are here to reform

the kids have smarta55 remark at each other

jonny wants some smokes and dares a kid to jack some

he does

but blonde takes em back

then he trains kids to box

they had boxing equipment?

also he trains em to fight dirty

and shoves a kid on his a55 for taking his picture

kid gets it anyway

blonde busts his a55 for teaching kids to fight dirty

but he sez hes preparing em encase someone tries it on em

this story is a lot like the ones of a demigod kicked out of heaven and having to slum with mortals

Beyblade did it once with Tyson helping that kid and one kid had stars on his blade

or in batman the animated series where bruce goes undercover as a hobo and gets put in the hot box by that fata55

btw this whole thing of his life going from superstar to slumbum happened cuz he got drunk

plus the real crooks bit it cuz they drove drunk

its like that tiny toons episode one beer

weird al don't drink

amy winehouse did

amy bit it b4 30

weird al is like over 60

so later the kids (who are like 25 year old teenagers like 90210) swim in a water holding thing

but da farmer waters his crop and the water level gets too low for them to get out

and no one knows where they are

this is like one of those 90s shows to teach kids to tell people where they are going

then da farmer turns off da water

and a kid is running outa steem

so they take turns going to da bottom and opening the water manually to let it out

maybe they could use their clothes to tie it open

eventually the water is low enuff to stand in

they stand on eachothers shoulders and get a ladder

jonny gets em and drives em back and tells em not to say wat happened

and 1 is kinda f;d up from it

kids say he fell in an irrigation ditch

blonde wants jonny gone

1 kid wants to go with jonny but jonny sez no

offscreen a kid tells blonde wat really happened and she forgives jonny

later he drives with her and they grow closer

on the drive they stop at a gas station and see posters foe a european boxer where if u beat him u get 2000$ in 30s money

btw as this is da 30s I assume its the economic slump of oh bba mma I mean f d r

he goes to be signed on to fight but the manager there don't accept

so jonny slugs him and is admitted

what is this? double dragon?!

if u can beat me i'll let you in!

later he's training and slavery days granny trash talks him

later hes having some mad max style shower

the kids show they got his picture in da paper

he slugs the guy out and his jaw dangles

jk

he just gets p-ssed

claude rains gets it and sez its jonny

but his superior don't buy it

so clause goes after jonny

later da dead end kids see this snooty a55 rich kid with a motion picture camera

they go and get rich a55 kid to come with em to play poker

and they cheet him outta good hands

I think

I don't know poker

I play Yugioh b--ch!!

I can see them using duelist kingdom rules to cheet him outta winning

rich kid; but my monster has more atk

dead end kid; yeah but you got a spellcaster and hes using a machine. its immune to magic

rich kid; ohhhh. that makes sense.

they swindle the rich a55 kid outta his clothes  and cr-p

at least they didn't make him bet his virginity!

later jonny sees a guy at da fight who's woman is gonna have a kid and hes fighting for cash

but he hears claude angela rainz asking if the fighter is a lefty

at dinner the kids get him some fancy item

I cant see it but I think its boxing gloves

he sez he cant fight and it bumms everyone

blonde b--ches about him not loving her and kids b--ch about him being yellow(that's racist)

1 kid tries to get him to fight and believes in him

this is kinda sappy but its got heart

kid wins over jonny and jonny is gonna fight

jonny talks to a picture of a priest and realizes if he don't fight south paw style they cant finger him

at da fight da kids con their way in saying their friend has their tickets

then the last guy sez; who's them? its just me!

then they fake having tickets by passing the stub

b4 da fight the eurpean guy is an a55

always hassling his foes and trying to hit a pressure point on jonnys arm to f it up

but jonny knows that move and prevents it

jonny trash talks back and riles him up

guy with preggo wife goes up and gets his a55 kicked offscreen

then jonny goes up to fight

cladue talks to jonny but jonny denies knowing him

they fight and jonny doesn't use his southern style

but gets his a55 kicked

round 2

fight

jonny gets a55 kicked

same in round 03

btw hes holding out pretty well from these beatings

round 4 and hes getting creamed

claude sez just use ur left and kick his a55

jonny changes stance and beats his a55

like a Beyblade switching modes in battle

jonny lasted long enuff to make da cash

guess its a time thing

but he goes in one more round and gets his a55 beat

so we're back to where the film started

jonny after a fight and clause rains by him

slavery days gramma and blonde come in and are happy he won the money for da kids

then the kids come in and are happy to see him

after jonny gets dressed he tells blonde claude booked him fights in da east

she don't buy it and wants to go with him

he sez no and hes commin right back

she has jonny kiss her and he goes as she whines about wanting to go with him

at da train yard jonny sez claude is gonna be a hero when he gets back

and he wont try to run off

1 kid follows em and wants to go with jonny

jonny gives him a story and kid goes

btw, teens jonny helps and mentors with some blonde?

its denny and da room!

da train comes and claude sez da guy he iced had a wife

and her reaction to seeing him cook on da chair was like blonde just now

he lets jonny go and plays it tough

as train goes, kid jumps out from under it at high speed and doesnt get chopped up

they go back to town in the dark arm in arm side by side like Casablanca did years later

the end

that was pretty good

I liked it

nice lite and fun

good clean and charming

nice positive film about getting a second chance

its like when p0rn0 manga and anime creator toshio maeda got run over and got a new start at life after his homies ditched him 

btw the 2nd bimbo was Barbara pepper who was in a tar is born and of mice and men.

and green acres

and claude rains didnt do much in here but was a nice addition

for they made me a criminal 2 I want the kids to find a treasure map to some hidden Arizona treasure and go on an adventure to find it. along the way they find a tribe of desert midgets in Arizona who are undiscovered and live in some kind of interdimensional rift between realms. the midgets try to ice and eat re so they can be human sized instead of hobbit sized and the kids have to get out of their dimension and escape back home. its also an 8 bit nes, sega master system and turbo grafix 16 game where you gotta go through the levels and save all 6 other dead end kids(1 per level) and get midget tech to fight off the dimensional midgets and their organic weapon beasts.

Harriet The Spy Review

note; the book spells better than my cr-ppy a55 spellingz

harriret thre spy

this is my revirew on harriet the spy (90s ver)

its based on a book I never read

also this has a millennium remake about blog wars

but computers are for sodomingoes

imma 90s guy

IBM computers and a trackball you roll by hand for da mouse

I saw this movie b4 but it was years ago

ooh its fullscreen

no black bars

so after credits that go on for like 5 minutes, we see this girl is spying on people and writing it down what she sees

often making comments on it

she wants to be a writer so she writes what she sees

a guy swipes as wallet but plows into a food thing

later she wants to be blood buddies with her black and white friends

but instead of risking aids they draw a pagan god image o their feet and press it together

this rich girl comes by and they hate her for some reason

these girly movies always have a rich popular chick the main loser hero hates

why canty we have the cool kid as the hero beating up the losers?

after making comments on everyone in the class as narration, rich and harriet are nominated for class prez

I think rich girl won

good

take that u loser!

0/10!

u fail!

later harriet spys on a geezer with a buncha cats

later its the last day of summer and harriet and her homies go to this garden with some woman

the garden has all this cr-p made of trash

later she is with the woman getting put to bed and its revealed her rents are out on a work thing or w/e and woman guardians her

later its day and heriet makes a sandwitch of mayo and tomato

later she watches a guy making food in a cr-ppy place

she thinks its a veggie thief

so what?!

maybe hes a hobo and needs it to survive

later the homies and hioet read and mock the school paper rich girl wrote

then its home and woman has her bf (veggie thief) over 4 a date

at dinner they have a staring contest and Harriot makes a55 comments on him

he used to be rich but not happy so he started over and his wife ditched him

then Harriot and veggie guy go out and have g rated fun all night

watching a greta garbo film

when they get back, harriots rents r home and get p-ssed at them being out late and fire her

guardian sez its a good idea and consents

harriet is sent upstairs but sneaks down to spy on guardian saying Harriot can take care of herself now

guardian sees Harriot and they say the walrus and carpenter poem together

later b4 girdian goes Harriot asks if shes gonna fimd a kid to love more than her

guardian comforts her and sez she'd buy harriots 1st book in da future

they have  moment and its kinda knice

then drives off in a cab as Harriot runs after her

later in school they watch a 50s film about teens developing

but Harriot is bummed w/o the guardian

its shown in a way that makes me think shes gonna snap and start wacking people

later Harriot spys on her Chinese homie who's fam is p-ssed at him for crashing a truck

that's racist

also her white friend is buying cr-p from them and don't have enough cash

so Harriot comes in and gives him a doller

later theres gonna be some school class event

im not sure

im watching Yugioh abridged where yugi and kaiba fight dartz

so harriots black homie is making some chemical thing

she uses her large moms large bra to make mold

and it blows

wtf the black homie is a girl?!

I thought it was a guy!

later at her white homies lace and his dad is having viet nam writing issues

harrriot takes a snappie of white homie in a skirt cleaning

what is he? james from pokemon?

later Harriot spys hard on some big home

she sneaks in (breaking and entering!!!) when the door almost closesand a little dog barks at her

so she stomps it dead

jk

she hides in a dumbwaiter

then wears gloves to pull a rope to go up

this geezer chick played by ertha kitt from 60s batman hears her and maid finds her

she is then vivisected for experiments to keep kitt young

jk

shes just thrown out on her a55

later the trio of homies are laughing at the paper for having different views than them

then they play in da park

such 90s kids being 90s

the fashion and feel

in the tag game Harriot drops her spy books and rich girl gets em

she reads harriots g rated mean comments about everyone

even her homies and people who did her no wrong

this hurts the feeling of the kids she bashed

one kid she said shed hand herself if she was him

also she mocks her white homie's poorness

this is like when a celeb makes a bunch of nude photos and they get leaked

maybe if she didn't make all that evidence then she wouldn't be f'd by it

later harroit is bummed her cruel thoughts toward her peers got exposed

its like if I make a bunch of holocost denial vids then set em to private. but youtube makes em public

then acted like imma victim when everyone hates me over it

at school she's shunned by those she wronged

the kids pass around a note saying Harriot smells

harroit reads it and cleans ou her pits and feet in the school toilet sink

she plans to be a big celeb with her b--chy writing

well, now we got tmz so theres a future for her gossip and b--chyness

later Harriot tells rich gurl she's gonna get her

but rich gurl responds she and her classmates are goona f her up cuz they have a plan

holy cr-p we're like over half way in

that didn't feel like much

theye forme a spye catching clube

why is Harriot the main character?

is anything she's the bad guy

its like a civil war movie with the union as the heroes

the kids chase her banging on pots tied to em while on rollerblades

is this mad max?

she asks a cop for help an her rents bust her a55 over it

they say her spy cr-p is unhealthy

and want her to take a break from writing

she b-ches about her rents having partys and martinis

they get her notebook but she sez she'd just get another one

that's smart

tell them ur plan

reminds me of how the brits let leslie howard get gunned down in a plane during the war

they could've saved him but didn't want the axis to know they broke their code

so he got horribly killed

and he was a supported of England

too bad we didn't side with zee Kaiser in 14

at school she's frisked by the teacher to see if shes got a notebook

later in art class she gets paint spilled on her by rich fgirls homie

the class cleans her and I think its made to be a g rated version of her bring gang b0ned

she slaps rich girl and runs home to take a bath while having viet nam flashbacks

but fully clothed

she also scrubs her tattoo off

and rips up her notebooks

wait

notebooks?!

like.. in SE7EN?!!!?!?!?

is this how that guy started?!

does harriot get her womb turned inside out and become kevin spacy?!

later in class she carves the names of those who she thinks wronged her in the desk

good f--k this IS se7en!!

she then gets revenge on the kids she thinks wronged her one by one

then carves lines through their names in her school property desk

even though Harriot started it by writing mean things about the kids

its like if I try to beat a guy dead, but the guy shoots me, and I say imma victim

then she says infront of everyone that rich girls dad hasn't seen her in years and doesn't love her

holy f--k this Harriot is a real b--ch!!

that's the kid of thing that makes people attempt suicide

hope some child mo lester gets Harriot

and the only one who can save her is the rich girl

who just lets her be taken away to be b0ned dead forever

then she photocopys a bunch of pictures of her white homie in a dress and posts em all over the school

this chick is scum

she hurt him 1st

then he left cuz she was a b--ch

then she humiliates him

at home the kids she hurt's rents call their rents and hariots rents confront her

then argue with eachother

then Harriot freaks out

so they send her to a shrink

he plays kids games with her and writes notes

she whines about her notebook being taken and he gives her one

but gets it back

afterward her dad sez some bullsh-t about her being fine

later mom gives her back the notebook and sez she made a mistake over it

they should give her more beatings

beat the evil out

get da whip

later she has that 90s fortune teller paper things and plays with dad

he sez to turn around and behind her is a big naked guy who whips out his 29 inch...

jk its guardian

she tells haiort to sAy sorry and lie

then sez how good lies can help

later white homies dad gets a book deal or w/e and gets 10 000 $$

and hariot is watching

and white homeis finds her

he sez she's not his friend and shuts da door

good!!

you never know what she's gonna turn on you next

she broke ur trust

send her to h-ll!!

later the black homie leaves the gang that torments Harriot

in class Harriot sez class prez being editor for class paper is not good

rich girl don't like Harriot taking her job

esp after nearly driving her to suicide

but the kid Harriot sed shed suicide if she was him, nominates Harriot for 2nd editer

then da whole class votes for Harriot to be editor

it trys to make this look positive

yeah

p-ss everyone off

get revenge on them for not liking you after it

then win in the end

then she sez things aint always as they seem

and sees da alleged veggie theif had consent

and everyone leaves the spy hunters

btw this is all Harriot writing the paper

then writes good cr-p about all the people she p-ssed off with cruel cr-p b4

then sez sorry for all the mean cr-p

then retattoo presses her foot with white homie

the end

that was actually a good film

I liked it

but Harriot is a little b--ch

then again

weren't we all a55 holes as kids?

I was

and in grade 8 there were like 8 guys I just wanted to go to h-ll

but its got dat 90s charm and heart

I enjoyed it

plus in the uncut version they say SH-T

not on tv where I watched it on fox 29

for harriet the spy 2 I want it to be high school and she writes an article critical of someone who accidentally p-ssed her off. the article is pretty mean and the person she went after cant take it and attempts suicide. the brother of the girl she drove to suicide cant handle it and snaps and decides to take Harriot down before she ruins another life and begins hunting her down with a weed wacker to mutilate her dead. along the way he chops up anyone who gets in his way with the weed wacker and takes a big bite outta them on the a55 as he works his way up to harroit. its also an 8 bit Gameboy, game gear and Atari lynx platform game where you are the brother and go from level to level taking out people try8ing to stop you. also you regain health from wounds by eating the fallen

The Cable Guy Review

note; im not big on jim carry so im not gonna spell right(yeah, like that's the only reason I spell a55)
the cable guy
this is my review on the able guy
its directed by ben stiller from Zoolander
and stars the guy from ferris bueler and the guy from ace ventura
I should note that in high school this teen wanted me to be his friend and I had to sneak around the caf to escape him
we later got along but he was kinda f'd
so it stars with credits of a guy changing channels with static
ooh springer
its ferris waiting for the cabel guy hes moving in a new apartment
and calls jack black
also ferris is wanting to marry his gf
black sez to slip the cabel guy 50$  for free p0rn0 movie channels
when in da shower the cabel guy shows
its jim carry
hes pretty obnoxious
like a brain damaged jerry lewis
he pretends to seduce the wall to find the cabel
also by checking his billing he knows Ferris's gf kicked him out
after hooking up cabel jim sees a child star is on triel for icing his twin bro
the star is both ben stiller
ferris asks jim if giving him 50$ gets free movie channels
jim sez that's illegal but wads only joking and they become friends kinda
oh and he gives ferris free cabel channels and  offers to show him the sattilite dish and gives him his personal pager
da next day he takes fereris to da sattilite(not the slum in Yugioh 5ds)
jim sez in da future u can play mortal kombat over cabel and watch tv and phone all over da world
holy cr-p hes right
they talk about their dads and jim has a lisp from a steel toe boot beating he took as a kid
holy cr-p he is brain damaged
jim gives ferris girl advice he got from springer
on fa way back he tells ferris to watch sleepless in seattle to win his woman back
ferris asks jim his name and it warms him over
he sez its ernie "chip" douglass
later ferris uses jims advice to win back his ex
hahahaha
mtv airs ben stillers phonecall to da cops saying it was an Asian gang that iced his twin
its so bad I smiled
later at da gym jim comes by and plays b ball
then they have a slo mo montage of jim playing b ball like hes mentally ret-rtded
oh and jim shatters the glass behind da net with a slam dump after jumping off jack black like a Mario enemy
ferris tells jim off
later ferries comes him and gets a buncha messages from jim
later his gf comes by for da movie and his cabels out
he pages jim whos right outside da door
jims p-ssed for ferris not calling him back
ferris sez he'd do anything with him for it
don't say anything!
then he can b0ne u!!
jim fixs cable and books it
then we see a flashback of kid jim watching tv while his mom goes out to b0ne guys
then jim takes ferris to midevil times
no forks and knives as its da Castlevania days
but they get pepsi
how history channel
also jim wears Ferris's chicken skin and plays silence of da lambs
I lolled
this is like the only funny jim carry movie
then jim and ferris fight in mideval combat
after a few hits they fight like kirk and spock in dat star trek ep
jim kicks Ferris's a55
then they joust
ferris wins
later they go home and jim got a buncha high tech tv cr-p
but ferris don't want it
so jim sez his guy can take it back saturday
later jim has a bucha homies at a party at Ferris's place
they're geezers
Ferris's woman is still not back with him and is seeing other guys
ferris gets jim speech therapy lessons
then jim sings some 60s song like hes got brain damage
also jim gets ferris to make out with this girl and snaps a picture of it
the next day jim makes ferris bacon and eggs
I thought he was jewish
also the girl was a h00ker and ferris b0ned her
ferris snaps and sticks him with a kitchen knife in da parts
jk
really he kicks jim out
later jim in a freddy mercury moustache sneaks to where Ferris's gf and owen Wilson are on a date
he pays the toilet guard to go and beats up own and jamms his head in da cr-pper
then tells him to stay away from the gf
the news reports it and theres an add for a tv movie of the ben stiller bro killing the other
it stars eric roberts from the human centipede 3
yeah
that's not a joke
he was in that
look it up
man the movie is like half over
that felt like nothing
later jim goes to see da gf and sez she got a cable upgrade from her ferris
also he sees a mark on her back while spying on her changing
he sez good things about ferris and sez a bummer story to get em back together
sorta like in erich von Stroheim's greed with the 2 other couples that show possible outcomes to the main story
she calls feris and they get closer
ferris tells jim he don't have room for another friend and laves him in da rain
also he don't want jim f ing with his life
later at work ferris gets arrested for receiving stolen cr-p
its the tv and cr-p
also da cabel company has no record of chip douglass
and ferris has to spend a weekend in prison
later jim comes by and they talk between glass
he sez he did it to teach him a lesson
then does the scene in midnight express where he presses his nip to the glass saying OH BILLY!
also he sez his real name is larry tate
feris tells da guard jim did it but jim knows guard and did his cabel
jack black gets him out and sez hes gonna look into his names
which would be much easier in the 21st century with yahoo and duck duck go
later ferris and gf go to Ferris's rents place and jim is there dressed like mr rogers
he has the photo of ferris and da h00ker so he don't turn jim in
they play p0rn0 password and ferris cant make his mom say something gross
ferris cant take it and tells everyone jims awful
but da fam sides with jim
jim does a gay tongue thing by Ferris's ear and ferris slugs jim
but the fam didn't see the gay thing so they side with jim
later at work, jim sent a computer video of ferris b--ching about his boss
ferris is fired and in a garage the cars all start alarm going off
at home black calls and tells ferris the names used by jim were fake and from tv shows
and he don't work for da cabel company
hes just a nut
later jim comes by Ferris's door and bangs on it mentally
he breaks it down and chases feris through his endless hall
but its a dream
its actually pretty f'd
jim calls and ferris sez he knows da cabel company canned him
jim sez hes after da gf
jim takes her to the sattilite and gives he speech about the future
when ferris gets there shes tied to the antenna
then him and jim fight and jim quotes water world 1
jim is slugged and is cures his lisp
but another punch unfixs it
jim and ferris climb the sattilite and the cops show up
jim holds gf hostage with a stapler
then sez he just wanted to be Ferris's homie but f'd up
that's kinda heartfelt actually
he goes on about how tv raised him and gave gf to ferris
he jumps and ferris catches him
jim sez someones gotta save kids from tv
he jumps and takes out da sattilite right when the ben stiller trial is about to end
then people start reading
don't worry
in the 90s tv was great
but now its just cr-ppily animated garbage and political soapboxing
besides
now we have internet
also was his plan to save kids from tv to take out 1 sattilite?
theres other cities and cabel things
although his turning on tv after it made him is like in Robotech with Zor Prime and the masters
so jim just missed getting skewered on the sattilite spike and is gonna be ok
ferris asks his real name and he sez ricky ricardo
hes airlifted to da hospital and da dr calls him buddy
jim givs a ret-rded smile and da movie ends implying hes gonna f this guy next
the end
that was actually fun
good humor
good dark cr-p
good acting
crazy but fun
I liked it
it made me laff
and I normally don't laff at jim carry
I don't see why everyone hated it
its not so bad
maybe they just expected a lighter jim like the mask(who's original comic was dark and violent)
for the cable guy 2 I want the results of the trial to spark a riot and the country is tearing itself apart. but the town that didn't hear the results is safe. eventually 1 guy goes out of town and finds the surrounding area is a h-llstorm of burning buildings and people tearing eachother apart and eating eachother alive. he escapes back to town and has to get the people to defend the town wile also trying to keep the trial results secret as it will turn them violent if they know it. its also an action game on sega genesis and super Nintendo where you go around fighting people trying to get into town. its like mega man x or zero and you gotta go around protecting the town and get upgraded weapons and the 1st level is you trying to escape back to the tow wjile under attack.

Graveyard Shift Review

note; I never read tis book or saw this film. so to make up for t imma spell cr-p

graveyard shift

this is my review on gradvate shirt from 1990

its by steven king who my cool 90s aunt likes books of in da 90s

btw im watching it on fox 29 at 2 am so its censored

it starts with guys working in a cotton factory

ooh

its fullscreen

good

get the aids black bars

1 guy punches a thermometer and talks to a rat

then theres rats everywhere lined up 

just get some footlong centipedes

they'll eat da rats

he drops a big a55 rat in the machine to get chopped up

da rats don't listen to him telling em to go so he drops another in

even if rats knew english, they wouldn't fight for a friend

then something unseen pushes him in da machine

then opening credits very similar to pet semetary

ooh

brad douriff is in this

then brad tries exterminating da rats with some kind of water hose system

he flushes em into da river

then a guy (I think main guy)comes into a bar and guys make comments

he looks like james dean

later a cop comes by da factory

main guy is in there

deeper in the factory cop and safety guy say the place is dangerous

but cop bribes safety guy

im not sure hes a cop

main guy looks a bit like kevin Costner

he meets not cop whos really da boss

main guy is looking for a new start

he gets 4 weeks union free work at the cotton picker

in da graveyard shift

then brad comes in and sprays a rat with liquid aids

at night he works loading cotton in da machine

but fat a55 rats come out

he picks em off with diet pepsi cans in a slingshot

brad is suddenly there and they chat

the place is infested and brad fought rats for 20 years

also he carries a firearm

he goes on a monologue about viet nam or something

he plays crazy well

later 1 over da top guy jokes around and boss comes in and sets him straight

then boss flirts with da 1 chick there

offering her a promotion

I assume in exchange for a b0ning

oh and main guy hears it from across da room with loud machines between em

she don't consent

over da top guy goes in the greasy grimy gooey insides of da plant and something gets him

what is this? alien?!

the next day or w/e people say the guy left

at da bar da workers ask if main guy likes chicks

he sez yes

if he sed no they might b0ne him

then they give him food with I think a dead rat on it

what is this? whatever happened to baby jane?!?

later only chick gives main guy a ride and boss sees

also secretary is b0ning the boss in private and tries feeling boss outside but he don't consent

chick flirts with main guy and gives him tips

later chick gets assigned clean up duty and busts up boss's car with an axe

so he roughs her up

she sez she knows things and he nearly slugs her

but main guy stops him

later main guy in in the basement and rats come

he gets his sling and pepsi can ready but theyre gone

he hears something and fires but its boss

boss sez next week its lay off week and ge offers main guy a special job 4 double pay

he consents

at da bar main guy and chick talk

they go to his place and chick sez boss tried to b0ne her for money

btw shes in a red belly showing tank top and blue jeans

sounds like a 90s video game character

they have a moment and hug

man, we're an hour in

dat didn't feel long

at night secretary sneaks in and goes through bosses stuff

she finds papers but then walks around in da dark

then falls down stairs, breaks, and da rats and a monster get her

later the night clean up crew or w/e is screwing around and boss comes in and settles em

later they spray rats with water

just get some big a55 snapping turtles to eat em

or snakes

btw the over the top guy is back

he finds a wood thing and reaches in

but as he opens it more, finds its full of rats

so they have it blasted with water

the hose guy nearly kills the black guy with da hose

when black guy complains hose guy blasts his feet

over da top guy tells boss this is f'd but no one backs him up

so he gets canned

if they stood with him, they'd be fired too

then boss would get some 3rd world guys to do it cr-ppily

good thing its non union

later brad comes back and has his rat hunting dog

and down river mills whine about brad dumping rats in da river

but the owner of the mill was too cheap to pay for dumping

boss black males brad to go to this graveyard and do something

but brads dog gets it when he goes in a tunnel

was the river thing part of the plan to send brad here?

then brad gets crushed by a box in this muddy crypt

don't worry. hes gonna be back after getting melted down and remolded

the next night main guy and chick playfully go to work and boss watches and follows

then beats up a punching bag

main guy and chick are waiting for something at work in the cesspool

then breaks over and back to work

main guy finds a trap door

he sez it could be with rats breed

a sewer of rat spurm

boss sends main guy in but main guy gets boss to go with him

in case of finding treasure he don't wanna be accused of jackin it

the whole team goes down and chick busts her leg somehow

hose guy gets spiderwebs on his face

then picks up a human bone, freaks out, runs upstaris, stairs bust, he falls through floor, and into a water pool

then a big a55 rat monster gets him

btw his name was brogan

like Stephan brogan from degrassi (the actor for snake)

they run and regroup and boss goes blackface with dirt on a wine bottle

chick runs (wasn't her leg f;d?) and finds a way out in the water

its da crypt brad bit it

man they got this whole phantom of the opera complex under the factory

the other guts go up this shaft and black guy finds a way through

but something in it eats his arm

2 left

the last guy besides boss falls through wood and boss saves him

then he freaks out so boss ditches him

main guy and chick find a way they might get out

last guy turns on a lighter and this big f'd monster is right there and gets him

boss throws a Molotov cocktail ad runs

but falls into a bone pit

no not the playboy mansion

main guy and chick find the bone pit and she sometimes limps and others dont

its in a big cave the size of a building

they find boss and for no reason he tries killing em

main guy beats him with a jawbone

what is he? Samson?! (read the bible)

the fight goes on and boss pulls a knife

he shanks chick and tries to get out

why'd he try to ice em?!

they could've beat it together

oh and I think the chick bites it

boss finds da monster and its a huge slimy bat monster

he goes at it with a knife they fight offscreen

main guy sees it and runs

if this were aliens, they'd nuke da place

he gets back to the factory but big a55 rat bat follows

it gets its tail in the machine and main guy shoots the on button with a diet pepsi can

it gets ground up as da rats watch

was that their king?

what is this? stravinsky and the mysterious house?!

also looks like drinking pop saved this guy's life

so he punches a time card and leaves

then music to lines from the film

ooh, frank welker did voice effects

he was megatron in 80s transformers

hair stylist; candy walker

sounds like a p0rn0 name

wtf this had help from japan

the end

that was pretty good

not exactly like pet semetary

but it had a few echoes

good late 80s early 90s feel

sorta like if alien 3 was good

I liked it

for the graveyard shift 2 I want it to be a decade later and the rat bats have arosen and taken over the town. they were shocked their homie was iced for doing nothing wrong and that the humans should've let the last movie rat bat eat them. the city is shut down and people live in fear as if they go out at the wrong time they could be iced. so the manly men have enough of this and launch counter attacks against the rat bats whine in disguise. and try to gradually take out all the rat bats one at a time. its also an up to 4 player beat em up on sega genesis and super Nintendo and Atari jaguar with you playing as guys in various outfits and fight through areas clearing out these rat monsters and often using power tools to take em out.

Steel Magnolias Review

note; I never saw diss b4. so why spell right?
steel magnolias
this is my review on steele magnoisa
I hear its about chicks
so I assume its some kind of sailor moon/wedding peach thing
although family guy did a parody of it
not sure how accurate that was
its from da 80s and starts with dat cool tristar logo
its got sally field, dolly parton, Darryl hana, olimpia dukakus, and Julia roberrts and dylin macdermot
it starts with life in a 20th century town with nice music
huh, its based on a play
I never knew dat
this geeky girl walks around and finds a wedding
then a guy starts shooting birds
is this the south?
seems like it
geek goes to this house where this chick wants her husband to get easter eggs to da church
at the wedding home Julia finds a box of c0nd0ms the boys wanna put on the car
car fetish??
geeky helps do the egg ladys hair and shes doly parton
dolly hires her as a hair chick
then dollys mad max son rides off on a motorcycle
dolly and geek talk and its revealed geek lives with some chick who's fam bit it in ww2 and viet nam
then a geezer chick comes by and talks
geezer worries geeky might have issues
also geeky is married
at wedding house, julias bf comes in to doublecheck if she gon marry him
she sez if her dad catches him there, he;d cut off her bf's thing
later its tome to go wedding but this loud chick with a dog comes by and starts b--ching about them making noise that's bad for her dog
dad makes little jabs at her and she stays b--chy
later dolly and geek work on hair and talk about recipes
oh its the wedding fam they're hairing
they don't want Julia working after marriage
nowadays the feminists would go mental over that
also a radio station is for sale and they want geezer to buy it
they talk about colors Julia wears
this reminds me of gone with the wind
b4 the yankees attacks the south and ruined everything for em
they talk on and on about minor things
but its not boring
Julia told her bf she wouldn't marry him
but changed her mind
btw I like the bad 80s hair they got
its like double dragon or fist of the north star
then hulia starts having an episode
they give her juice
but she starts freakin out
shes got diabetes
also she cant have kids
man we're like 30 mins in with commercials
that felt like nothing
also it freaked me out
at wedding home dad and da boyz find arrows and a crossbow
time for some live action D&D
later dog lady comes in and goes b--chy
she bashes the dad and sez; mi bet he takes da dishes outta da sink after (or b4, I cant recall)he pees in it!
that made me laff
dog b--ch interrogates geek over her husband and it upsets her
her husband ditched her
might be into drugs
shes not sure shes married
spoiler; marriage don't end when 1 goes outta town
so juoiliA invites geek to da wedding
geeks name is Annabelle like the pink fatty from eek the cat
then dad sets off fireworks in a tree to f out da burds
dog gets loose and the chicks chase it
later they have the wedding
after it geek chats with a waiter ort bartender or w/e and has a cherry coke
also is an armadillo cake that's full of red cr-p
the bf's aunt made the cake
then they all dance to south music
later the boys bring da car and itds covered in c0nd0ms
were they b0ning it?
rednecks with a car fetish
juilia and bf drive off in their spurmobile
at night everyone leaves
then I think its xmas
they have a beaurty pagent
also geek has digivolved into a normal looking human
also geezer is now the radio station owner and announcer for a team
at home, dollys husband lost the contract cuz the other guy's bid was 6000$ lower than his
later geezer is in the mens change room talking about uniform colors
another chick tells her no one cares
take dat b--ch!
later Julia tells her mom shes pregnant
mom isn't excited and Julia gets b--chy
moms worried about julias health
they bicker and talk more
later Annabelle decorates a house super xmas
then dog b--ch comes by and juila tells her, her old b4 is back and single
but she gets b--chy over her cr-ppy marriages she had
later Julia brings em together(ex bf and dog lady)
later dad outs Julia over being preggers
later its summer and theres this blonde kids b day
juloia wants her hair done
at the hair place they talk
1 guys kid said he had months to live
then said hes kidding and really turned queer
that's pretty evil
a fake out like that
also a beauty xmas pagent chick was in a scandle at a motel with a politician
5kank!
also Julia gets most of her hair cut off
and her kidneys are going and needs dialysis
and her moms gonna give her a kidney
holy cr-p
the director of this did footloose(the 80s one(the GOOD one))
also geek deals with her waiter bf having beer in her fridge
and he takes the Lords name in vein, which offends her(and God)
shes become a believer
later da chicks go to church and the dog b--ch lusts after her ex bf
later theyre at the hospital and I think they transferred a kidney
later its Halloween and Annabelle is getting married
they have a wedding shower b4 it and gets skimpy lingerie
later dog lady is getting her moustache removed again and gets b--chy over how she don't watch movies, plays or books
get a sega
later Julia blacks out and her husband comes home to find her
at da hospital shes rejecting the kidney
and in a coma
her mom takes care of her
later they take her off life support
mom goes to get her grandson and they hug to moving music
later they lay her to rest and Annabelle says some Christian stuff
the mom gets b--chy but Annabelle says julias a guardian angel now
spoiler; we don't "turn into angels" when we bite it
angels are created beings made b4 man
Its like saying spaghetti turns into watermelon after its eaten
mom then tells about pulling da plug and how the men left but she stayed
and how she was there when julia came in and left her life
later mom breaks down and wants her grandson to know what Julia went through to have him
and how she wanted to bite it 1st
and wants to hit something
so geezer tries to get her to slug dog b--ch
dog b--ch gets p-ssed and books it
geezer makes up with dog lady
she then reveals to Annabelle she prays
then mom plays with her grandson
Annabelle sez the baby in her is gonna be named after Julia
later its easter and Annabelle is super pregnant
her waiter husband plays the easter bunny 4 da kids
and dollys hair salon became a chain
and geezer tells grandson about Julia and the evil dog lady witch
dog lady surprizes grandson and he freaks out and slap her
kinda awful the women turning the grandson against this chick who did him no wrong
then Annabelle poops out a baby
waiter husband rides mad max sons motorcycle in the bunny suit
then credits as the camera follows them from da air like with in the heat of the night
but more soft hearty music
the end
I gotta say
that was pretty good
not much action
but all the characters are distinct
and its got good pacing and flow
the footloose guy did pretty well with this
and both this and footloose had blacker remakes in the 2010s
the acting as good
it made me laugh a few times
and it had heart
the music was nice
its a positive movie
gives me a good feeling in my soul
for steel magnolias 2 I want it to be a high school movie in the 00s with the son from the 1st movie and Annabelle's daughter as a couple but there's a  serial killer going around the school and they gotta figure out which of their lusty classmates it is. also its a detective game on sega genesis, super Nintendo, Gameboy and game gear and you gotta solve the clues and save the other lusty classmates before e gets em

Murders In The Rue Morgue Review

note; I spell like ape. I mean cr-p
murders in the rue morgue
this is my review on murders in the rue moregue (da 30s ver)
its got bela Lugosi fresh (prince ) off of Dracula
its part of the universal monsters series kinda
its based on a (true?) story by edgar allen poe
its said to be the inspiration of sherlock holmes
and better than it too
so after opening credits to the swan lake music
hay, john huston did added dialogue
its paris in 1845
back in America they still had slavery
but today in the 3rd world, we still have slavery
theres a carnival or w/e going on
what is this? the cabinet of dr Caligari?
also belly dancers in bikini tops
the guys joke about liking em and the chix slap em
thats domestic violence
theres a station with a talking ape man
sasquatch?!
its Lugosi's
he sez hes the real deal and its a science thing
the ape is usually played by a guy in a monkey suit
but close ups are real ape footage
Lugosi has leaned ape talk and translates 4 the ape
then promotes the lie evolution being real
btw this evolutionist propaganda is not in da book
and Darwin didn't make up evolution until well after this takes place
and he ants to crossbreed man and ape
and offers chicks a chance to get close and see his ape
nowadays Lugosi would be the oppressed hero fighting ignorant rubes
at least ere hes still da bad guy
main chick comes close and it grabs her hat
then a man shes with
so Lugosi saves him, then blames him for the ape attack
Lugosi tries to get her info but they book it
later Lugosi finds their home as they are saying romantic things to eachother
then these 2 guys are killing eachother over a h00ker
fighting over who gets to have aids
I think they both bite it and Lugosi gets the h00ker and brings her to his lair
shes tied to an X like boris Karloff in the black cat
he gets a sample from her but finds her blood is rotten
that's what happens when u b0ne all those guys
AIDS!!
Lugosi gets mad at the h00ker for having rotted blood from b0ning all those guys
what did you expect?!
then she bites it
Lugosi is upset by this and has his minion dump her aids bod down a trap door under her X
later some hobos watch da cops carry out the h00ker from da river
I just realized this is only a few decades after napoleon and the French malcontent uprisings evolution
the head guy at the morgue has the bod's stats read and put with the rest
later this detective comes in to see da bodies
the h00ker is the 3rd in a series of wackings
detective notes needle marks on her arms and wants a sample of her blood
but the head guy sez since a body vanished, the rules got harder
probably some french naecrofiliac
they are more open to other orientations
later detective is working and his gay roommate is getting b--chy about him being too involved in work to chat
then some French guy comes in and chats
I think he gave detective something
he did an autopsy and finds theres a foreign thing in their blood that iced all 3 chix
they talk about Lugosi and his evolution and detective sez he might be right
oh detective as with the chick and gay room mate with the ape at the carvinal
main chick gets a new hat in the mail
it has a note saying its from Lugosi and he wants her to see him tonight
also they never told Lugosi where they live
then everyone outside sings for and with her
what is this? Disney's beauty and the beast?
well its got an ape
later its a picnic and guy x girl couples chat in a clean way
even a shot of main chick on a swing with the camera on the swing moving with her so the background moves
she tells him Lugosi gave her the hat and he gets triggered
he figures Lugosi had him followed
and knows Lugosi is not normal
what is he? tommy Wiseau?
detective sees Lugosi and sez the main chick sez thnx but aint coming
Lugosi is heading to munich tomorrow
detective asks more about Lugosi's work
then goes
but as he leaves, a worker sez dr is staying in france
detective hides on the back of Lugosi's carriage and finds his lair
then cuts to him tells main chick he heard ape and Lugosi chatting
they chat about if they should know whats in other peoples homes
he sez hes leaving and that she leaves her door unlocked then leaves
but someones watching
its Lugosi
h goes in and fakes being detective to get her to unlock da door
she wants him gone but he keeps asking her to go with him
she eventually shuts da door on him
so he sends his ape after her
meanwhile, detective figures out its ape blood in the dead chix that iced em
then races to save the main chick
ape goes in her place with good shadow effects
and an ape hand shadow over her sleeping face
it screams, she wakes up, and faints
how useful
mom comes in and I think the ape b0nes her dead
moms screams get everyone up there and they bust the door in
but ape and main chick are gone
as is mom
did the ape absorb her?
like that green guy and megumi in Urotsukidoji II legend of the demon womb?
da cops think detective is behind it and grill him and everyone there 1 at a time
they say the perp was speaking some languqage
but all the people say its a different language
and the different nationality people fight over it
eventually they bring in detective who sez it was an ape
oh and I think the ape b0ned the mom dead
they find her in a hidden area in the room
the cops think he did it but he sez its Lugosi who did it with is ape
and stuffed the mom up the chimney
they think hes nuts but he finds 1 ape hair and they trust him
meanwhile, Lugosi has tested main chicks blood and sez its perfect
da cops come to his creepy a55 Caligari home and Lugosi sends his minion to hold them off
da ape gets out and don't listen to Lugosi and wacks him
cuz animals understand, and obey, human words
ape carries main chick out and up da roof
man, king kong ripped this off
da crowd sees it going across the german expressionist rooftops
eventually detective somehow gets to da roof  by climbing the pipe like Harold Lloyd and going up stairs and out a window
they get to the end and ape drops her to go after him
oh and shes awake now
he caps da ape and it falls in the river
good guy with a gun!!
then saves da chick
later head guy goes over the info of Lugosi's bod and make up some of it
cause of deth?
an ape!
the end
that was pretty good
I like how the animal rights guy got iced by the animal he loved
just like all these other movies about killer animals and those who love them
but this was 1st
unless theres some 20s film like that
like the unholy 3 where that ape ices those guys
but they didn't defend or befriend it
good acting
good story
good 20s/30s/1800s feel
simple and easy to get
but they had to cut like 20 mins of violence and stuff too hot for the 30s
so its only like an hour
and inspired king kong kinda
but I liked this
put it on he history channel
for murders in the rue morgue 2 I want the ape to have revealed to have survived and haled by a geezer who fought in the French revolution. he hates how france stopped icing rich people and wants to take over. and this ape is his way there. he eventually grows fond of it and they fall in love. and he learns ape kung fu from it. like where the human body weak points are that ape learned from Lugosi. but they also go on attacks against the rich and descendants of people who wronged him decades ago. its also a 2 player stealth/beat um up game where u play as the geezer and the ape and follow targets until theres not many people around and splatter em all so no one tells da cops. and if 1 gets away, u gotta take on da cops. its on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar and neo geo.

Bram Stokers Dracula Review

note; this film s-cked! too much b0ning! also; I mention b0ning a lot in here cuz the film has it. sorry about dat.

bram stokers Dracula

this is my review on bram stokers Dracula (from 1992)

I like films in the 90s, films w/o cg, films based on books, and films set in the 1800s

but this one they just f'd up

it stars gary Oldman from the dark knight, Keanu reeves from bill and ted, Wynona rider from Edward Scissorhands and Anthony Hopkins from that movie where he has a killer puppet but it might just be him being nuts (magic I think)

its directed by fransis ford coppela who did the godfather and the outsiders

but those were good

so it starts in 1462 when Constantinople fell to da turks and they were invading Europe

Dracula and the Christians went to fight

and he tore a55!

sticking people on sticks

but when he was out the turks sent a letter to his place saying he bit it

and his woman suicides

when Dracula gets home hes p-ssed and wants the church to let her into heaven

even though suicide is a sin

and they cant just give 1 person special treatment over others

The laws is one size fits all

not; everyones equal but some are more equal than others

maybe in England but this is eastern Europe(the good part of Europe)

Also the church doesn't make the laws, God does.

so he blames the church and renounces God

even though it was the turks wo caused the whole thing

they were the reason he was out fighting

they sent the fake news(like cnn?)

the church did nothing wrong here

its like batman attacking the cops for not making his parents case the only case they investigate

his backstory makes no sense!!

is it a thing on malcontent teens who give up on their faith?

oh and he has a trippy scene where the church hes in bleeds everywhere and he drinks it

wtf

is this a metaphor... right?

otherwise this movie is just f'd!

btw theres stuff in the Bible against ingesting blood

even food like blood sausage and blood and kidney pie and blood pudding

later it London england in 1897 and this nutty guy is in the nuthouse eating bugs

hes got kind of a Gollum from lord of the rings thing going

Keanu is sent to take nuttys job as financial guy for Dracula whos buying property in soviet England

now Keanu might not have the best accent

but its not as bad as everyone sez

and hes far from da worst thing of this film

beats kevin Costner as robin hood anyway

also hes the future husband to winona rider

he takes a train from England to Transylvania in the 1890s and writes in his diary

theres a cool effect with draculas eyes in the red sky out the train window

good ominous music too

then he takes a carriage to draculas castle(not Castlevania)

btw I should mention I played the sega genesis version of this movie and I liked it

its not great, but its a decent game

just takes a bit of learning

wtf are those electric lights on draculas carriage?!

also f w murnau did this clever in his 1920s rip off of thing with the speeding up footage

at da castle is a creepy shadow which moves independent of Dracula

he looks and sounds like cr-p in here btw

hes not scary

hes just a weird europeany guy

imma weird europeany guy!

tommy Wiseau is a weird europeany guy!

in fact he seems like if tommy Wiseau went senile!

they have dinner and Keanu sees a resemblance with 1400s dracula's picture and this one

hen Dracula flips out and pulls a sword screaming at Keanu cuz Keanu said something he didn't like

then goes on a tirade

he IS senile!

or a liberal

either is possible

plus his hairdo looks like a mans a55

se of having his shadow move independent of him

but it was done b4 in vampyr in the 30s

also keanu doesn't notice anything wrong with his shadow being its own thing

is he peter pan?!

when Keanu asks why he buys those exact houses, Dracula goes on a monologue about destiny

also Dracula is gay for keanus future wife mina

wait, mina?!

like sailor venus?

The bimbo from sailor moon?

is this where naoko takeuchi got the name?

later mina is on a typewriter looking at, and being grossed out by, the karma sutra

and her home gurl lucy comes in and its revealed to be hers

spoiler; shes a 5kank!

literally everything he sez is lusty

its like Arnold Schwarzenegger and ice puns in batman and robin!

what is it with horror movies having some lusty chick in em?

you don't have some guy trying to b0ne all the chicks.

well...

lucy sez she did stuff in the karma sutra last night

but in a dream

in a dream I made out with rogue from xmen (and she was 90s cgi)

they talk about Keanu

btw prom night 4 the last kiss had a thing like this with the main character and her blonde lusty friend

but the friend tried coming on to her

but that was just a test to see if she was queer

later lucy lusts after quincy morris at a party

Castlevania homies remember him as the father of johnny morris from Castlevania bloodlines/ the new generation from sega genesis/mega drive

and the grandfather of johnny morris from Castlevania portrait of ruin on Nintendo DS

both good games

but I prefer using eric lecarde/ricardo in bloodlines

his spear is a better weapon and controls better

btw according to Castlevania, quincy here is a descendant of the Belmont family of vampire hunters

oh and hes played by the brother of bruce campbell from the evil dead, billy

lucy goes up to him and talks about touching his big long thing and wanting to see it

his big a55 bowie knife

not his man thing

then lucy moves to another guy

if she were around now, she'd get the aids

mina narrates how she admits lucy and how guys like her

does she wanna be b0ned like her?

secret 5kank??

is this like in hobgoblins where the mild chick goes wild?

did fransis ford coppola rip off hobgoblins???

late we hear a news thing of nutty guy renfield returning from Transylvania and going nuts

he looks kinda like mr raditch from degrassi next gen

In da nuthouse he eats bugs and has some mad max thing on his hand

and wants to move up to cats

and sez his master will make him immortal

what is he? garlic jr?

then he tries eating the nuthouse guy

later Keanu is shaving and blacula appears behind him

Keanu cuts himself shaving and Dracula freaks out looking at a mirror

then breaks it with an invisible ki blast or something

why does a vampire have mirrors in his castle if he fears em??

also he licks the shaving thing's blood in a weird way

how long left in this abomination?

2 hours?!

I could beat Castlevania bloodlines in less

h-ll I could beat the sega game of this in less!

then Dracula goes around keanu and shaves him

but hes behind him! he cat see what hes doing!

he sees the reflection of a crucifix on keanus neck in his blade and freaks out

then sez his culture is different

Dracula laughs about the wolf sounds outside

then books it

Keanu looks out and Dracula is wall crawling like spiderman

Keanu writes letters and don't mention his fears as Dracula will read them

like facebook reading ur messages

or oh bba mma reading our emails

later Keanu goes into the basement and finds perfume

he hears voices and follows em to a bed

this is how p0rn0es start

but if its ghost p0rn0 its naecrofilia

Keanu is in bed with vampire sl=ts who appear

they start doing stuff with him

licking him all over

then 1 takes off his pants

this is like brokeback mountain

an engaged man getting seduced by someone else when out at work

but as theyre undead its necro instead of gay

wtf I think 1 bit his parts!!

and in the mirror above da bed its just Keanu wiggling around(with his pants on)

why is there a mirror above da bed in a vampire castle?!

then Dracula comes in

and wtf I think the vampire sl-ts are fused together in a weird mess

D; this one is not for you

V girl; but you have never loved

D I have loved b4, and I will love again!

gives girls a baby and they eat it

Keanu screams

Dracula(raepe face)

scene fades to black

wtf man

did Dracula just b0ne Keanu reeves?!

later Keanu sends mina a letter saying hes staying 1 more month to teach Dracula English custom

back in Castlevania, Keanu sez Dracula has gypsies who work for him and has dirt from the castle floor delivered to englind

later lucy sez she agreed to marry some high rank guy

but mina worries about Keanu

later, on a boat mailing the boxes of Dracula dirt to englind, dracla dreams of mina and does a cocoon thing as storms happen and the crew gets eaten

wtf they hose people on a boat off

did they have hoses in the 1800s?!

also renfield in the nuthouse gets experimented on or w/e

later we see this thing that looks like a fusion of bigfoot and planet of the apes going around somewhere

mina looks outside and sees lucy in the stormy night

she goes out and sees the sasquatch b0ning lucy

he looks like a joke

he might as well be dressed as sonic the hedgehog!

it sees her and things white out

then hes gone and mina helps lucy

wtf is going on?!

I cant take this seriously

is this an art film?

oh and sasquatch is hiding behind the shrubs

then narrator sez vampires CAN be outside in the sun

vamps, if you do your homework, only started fearing the sun in the 20s when f w murnau needed a different way to ice his vampire

he figured, its a night creature, the sun kills it

and it was so popular, it set the standard in vamp films

but here they don't have full power in daylight

also Dracula busts outta his box and is young again

he walks around London in hipster glasses looking like johnny depp and follows mina

also according to da news, a wolf got outta da zoo

drac meets mina and sez she looks like his wife

btw the whole subplot of mina being drculas reincarnated wife wasnt in the book

in there she was just another victim

here they tried to humanize him for some reason

what next?

gacy's victim being his wife in a past life?

why not make the teens Jason ices his killers in a past life?

later lucy is getting ready for her wedding and is feeling like shes changing

its AIDS!!

her current man chats with quincy and homies

but lucy is all f;d

hes Abraham van h-lsing (abe vhs) to come over to help

vhs is played by Anthony Hopkins

later mina and drakura wach silent films

she wants 2 go but he pulls her back and tries b0ning her

wait

I think hes gonna eat her

or both like that gay german cannibal

but he cant do it

also is a wolf wandering around

I think its his familiar like in dungeons and dragons

he controls it and has mina feel his big white wolf

normally i'd say; In the real verson it was them b0ning

but in this movie, if they were b0ning, it would show them b0ning!

so he takes her home

then we are introduced to vhs talking bout vampire bats

and crotch diseases

great use of an Oscar winning actor

talking about b0ning and the plagues u get from it

at least hes not in an adam sandler movie

could be worse still

he could be de niro

from raging bull to dirty grandpa

hes not far from doing p0rn0

and marlon brando DID p0rn0!

BUTT P0RN0!!

last tango in paris

he thinks hes so big

at least when the Yugioh cast did xxx anime, they didn't show their parts on screen!

so Keanu escapes from the castle and tries to get back to London

but we don't see his epic adventure

instead we cut to dracula and psychically b0ning lucy

vhs shows up and learns lucy is missing blood

they hear her being b0ned upstairs and run up

he sees neck holes and gives her a transfusion

I should mention theres hardly any swearing in here

in the 1800s they had class

except gangs of new York

1 guy sez he loves lucy and would give his last drop of blood 4 her

vhs sez; thanks but we wont need that much I hope

Hopkins in great in anything

even a semi p0rn0 like this

after filling her with aids free blood, Hopkins points out theres no blood spilling from her bloodloss

and some things science cant explain

and eventually sez that its a vampire

later mina is on a date with Dracula and he awakens some past life memories of her

although go nagai did it 1st with demon lord dante in the 70s with ryo utsugi and medusa

Dracula tells her about how mina's past life and his woman suicided

Keanu gradually makes it back across the mud and cr-p to a church

and has em write to mina to come to the church in Europe to marry him

mina sees lucy and lucy tells her to be with kranu

and gives her a ring

then lucy goes mental over garlic

quincy sez if she don't get better hes gotta put her to sleep

she tried biting him

not the 1st time she used her mouth on a man

vhs holds her down and sees her fangs

even though brits usually have f'd teeth

then vhs reads about Dracula boilded, roasted, impaled, skinned and chopped up people. then drank their blood

and mina dumps Dracula and goes to Keanu

vhs figures out its really Dracula, who he hunted all his life for some reason

and has to save lucy

but 1st, dinner

later the men stand guard but drac attax and I think b0nes her dead

also at the same time, mina and Keanu marry

and we got nearly an hour left in this monstrosity

later vhs wants to take out lucys head and heart

and minas back in town and longs for Dracula

even though hes married to Keanu

when did this become springer?!

also I think they see Dracula and Keanu recognizes him even though hes 400 years younger

somehow

later abe vhs and his homies go to where they put lucy and its empty

vhs sez shes a vampire now

then lucy comes down and candles light up

why?!

they hate light!

also shes caught a kid

she tries to seduce the guy

but abe vhs stops her with a cross and rebukes her dead

then he has a guy nail her with a stake to da heart and they take off her head

then it cuts to them eating

good fake out to cannibalism

vhs tells everyone how he chopped her up

at dinner

Anthony Hopkins is the only good thing about this film

hes like scott mcneil in the 90s double dragon cartoon

or dan green in all those p0rn0 animes he starred in

that's right

bram stokers Dracula, the 90s double dragon cartoon, and bad anime p0rn0, all were almost saved by 1 excellent actor

but still kinda s-cked

so Keanu sez he knows where Dracula sleeps

vhs sez Dracula has the strength of 20 men

can control animals

can turn into fog

but needs to recharge in dirt from his homeland

and quincys bullets wont harm him

but head offing with his big a55 bowie knife can

doesn't it need to be blessed?

mina and Keanu are in the nuthouse for some reason and see renfield

he tells em Dracula wants mina and not to stay in the nuthouse

also renfiend yells at drakila over wanting to make mina immortal over him

maybe if u turned him queer and seduced him he'd do it for you

vhs and homies bust draculas boxes and drac ices renfiend by mashing him against the bars of the cell with his ki or something

draculas mist forme covers sleeping mina and they communicate

she wants to be with him

5kank!

ur married to Keanu

this is also naecrofilia

then dracluna reformes and sez how awful he is

she hits him like a girl over icing lucy

then sez she loves him

I think

im watching it on youtube mirrored and distorted to avoid copyrights

she then wants to go vampire like him

btw in the book she was mind controlled into this

here its out of love

its like megatron becoming unicrons slave cuz he admires him instead of being forced to, to avoid being obliterated in the tranformers movie

he sucks her and cutz himself and she drinks his blood

that's a good way to get da aids

drac wants to not do it half way through as he don't want her to be turned

but she gets him to anyway

also her drinking his blood is made to look like b0ning

fransis ford coppola really turned into a purvurt to make these recent films

at least we don't see gary oldmans thing

so the guys go up to see mina for some reason and Dracula has instantly turned into a bat sasquatch

why did they leave mina alone in draculas place?!

vhs rebukes him but he makes the cross catch fire

drak sez he was betrayed and blames God for him going mutant

even though he renounced Him and chose the blackpath

if I close the windows and turn off the lights and trip over something I didn't see, do I blame the light for not being there??

wait

he turned into a blue/grey bat monster?!

this ripped off Castlevania!!

and I think blacula did the reincarnated woman thing 1st

the lights go out and when it comes back on, Dracula is a pile of rats

it falls apart and escapes

imagine if he turned into a pile of soft d0ngs

they burn the rats they can catch and vhs sez Dracula fears em

later vhs tries hypnotizing mina to find Dracula

holy cr-p

one of the vampire 5kanks played Mary Magdalene in Mel Gibsons The Passion

so mina knows the route Dracula is taking home to Transylvania in his last box

they go after him by train

also mina is biting it from the aids Dracula gave her

but she wanted to turn

so drackila read minas mind and knew they were onto him so he evaded em by boat

somehow abe vhs knows he did this and they split up

also gypsies are helping Dracula

at night draculas vampire 5kanks come at abe vhs and mina

I should point out the sega genesis game actually scared me

after u beat 1 boss it goes black

then cuts to u surrounded by the vampire 5kanks as they cackle and chase u

its quite a jolt

so the 5kanks make mina try to ice vhs

but he turns her back

then lights a fire circle around him and mina

then rebukes them

howd he make a fire circle?

is it holy fire?

did pieces of the torch fall off in the right way?

the next day he iced the 5kanks as they sleep and throws their heads away

later the suns going and the good guys are trying to beat Dracula to the castle

what is this!? birth of a nation?!

I think mina casts a spell or something and its snowing now

oh and the good guys fight the gypsies

quincy got backstabbed

but hes from texas so hes bada55

after da sun, Dracula busts outta his box and Keanu slices his throat

good reference to the shaving thing 2 hours ago

quincy gets him in a heart with his big a55 bowie knife but Dracula busts him

I should mention, in Castlevania bloodline/the new generation,, its said quincy's son johnny morris saw this final fight

yet hes not shown to be in here

its like with Edwards being in the Alaska base in Robotech II: The Sentinels despite not being in the original macross cartoon

so mina defends Dracula and takes him in the castle

oh and Dracula looks like the thing in the troll movies

and quincy bites it

mina makes out with rotted chopped up Dracula and sez her love frees Dracula from dark powers

sorta like how in violence jack evil town, mad saulus makes out with his hermaphrodite gf's head b4 eating her

oh and Dracula is his human self again

she spikes his heart with the knife (as u gotta hit it 2x I guess) and smooches him

then she takes off his head and we see a picture of Dracula and past mina on the ceiling

the end

interesting

I don't hate it as much as I used to

I mean its still got a lot wrong with it

they changed the point of the book and made him sympathetic

what next?

megatron was only mean to the autoboots cuz one mo lested him as a kid?

its like making the joker from batman the good guy and having us feel for him

or carnage from spiderman into this romantic lead who only chopps people us cuz his gf dumped him and now he hates all chix

plus making the chicks he chops up be him doing it out of love

the effects were good in here and Anthony Hopkins did his best to save this film

I cant hate him

but the movie still is quite f'd

its like the dragon ball evolution of Dracula movies

I mean its not unwatchable

and other movies changed things from the books

and the effects are good

but theres so much lust and 5kanks

I might as well be watching la blue girl

the acting is kinda close to it too

and not just Keanu

I guess cary elwes from he princess bride is good

but gary oldman s-cked in here

hes good in other things

but I guess the director just told him to act like a nutmo in here

btw mel brooks Dracula movie was far better as its actually got good acting and jokes

this can be funny but not on purpose

yet that movie cost mel brooks his directing career

and this saved fransis ford coppola's company

its like bizzarro world logic!

this film had much more work put into the costumes and sets than the actual writing and acting

its like a game with great graphics but cr-ppy gameplay

is not boring or horrible

just kinda f'd in story, plot, characters and logic

Also its too long!

it goes on for nearly 3 hours w/o commercials!

and it drags too

its not like the ten commandments where its 5 hours but has good pacing and feel

it like, but not as bad as, titanic.

for bram stokers Dracula 2 I want it to be months later and mina wants Dracula back. but she still has his blood in her and saved a piece of his skin. using her memories from her mind link with him, she uses a ritual to revive him and eats the skin. but it causes him to revive in her and she turn into a hermaphrodite with half her face squished to one side and draculas face on the other. she decides to revive her vampire army and take over da world and starts turning people vamp one at a time. abe vhs and Keanu decide to take her down and fight their way through her vampire army and various mutated people she used black magic on and go after her from city to city. also its a 2 player hack and slash beat em up like golden axe on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar with 1 player as Keanu and one as abe vhs and they have a selection of holy weapons to fight with hat you can change b4 each level.