Sunday, February 24, 2019

Eegah! Review

note; I spell like caveman
this is my review on Eegah! from the 60s or w/e
its a vehicle for Arch Hall Jr wo was in Wild Guitar (which I loved) and was made by his dad or something
its rated one of the worst films ever
lest see if I think so
remember, I liked dragonball evolution and the Yugioh movie
so it starts in da desert then its a forest and we get cr-ppy letters on rocks with the title and credits to 60s-ish blues music or w/e
this looks like good cr-p i'd enjoy
then its the city at night and tis chick drives her april o'neil outfit yellow  car to a gas station to chat with arch
she flirts with him about her skimpy swim suit she bought and drives off
arch sez shes his chick, her dad writes adventure books and she likes swimming
so shes drving at night with the convertible down and theres no hair wind
then she runs into a caveman and blacks out
spoiler; cavemen were made up
creation science disproved em
caveman holds a dead animal with dubbed in sounds as she wakes up but faked being blacked out
a car comes by and caveman runs off
he looks pretty all compared to the car
but I don't think they used a fake car to make him look bigger
that would take effort
so arch jr comes over and shes freaked out
she sez she saw a giant
to be fair, some say cavemen might've been the crossbreeds of humans and fallen angels
and their kids were said to be huge
theres bones found all over the world of them that's covered up
look it up
there was a show on the history channel about it
later she's at dinner and no one buys it
arch plays his guy innocent and kind sorta like goku or something
girl sez in the bible there were giants and dad agrees
were this made today they'd bash it
later she sez to arch she felt caveman wouldnt hurt her and was kinda cute
to be fair, most guys like caveman chicks
look at joe and mac
da next day they go out looking for it and arch finds a big a55 footprint
they go on looking for it and dad says "watch out for snakes" but its badly dubbed in
they check the trax and he went to shadow mountain
what is this? ninja gaiden??
arch wants to send help but dad wants to go alone so he can wrote a book on it
later dads takes a chopper and sez he;d be back in 02 days
I think the area they filmed the chopper going in was used in star trek or power rangers
dad tells chopper guy to meet him tomorrow at 4 (on fox kids)
he goes looking and then we see caveman in the open and hes got an amish beard
dad finds a smoking campsite and cavemn shows up
dad trips and knocks himself out
wait, hes just saying "no! no!"
us the caveman gonna b0ne him?
the arch and gf are at da pool and gf is in a bikini that was to hot for the 50s but now is casual wear for music 5kanks
arch sings a song about Vicky even though his gf is named roxy
who takes a guitar to the pool?!
the song is pretty good though
dat 50s
later gf gets a call from chopper guy who sez he cant make it to pick up dad
so arch and gf go in his dune buggy
they dubbed in lines of them saying he's got water in his tires for traction
after driving around for a while, they get stuck, only to drive around more
they get to where dad was to meet em but he aint there
and its past 4 30
if they'[re 30 mins late hes probably gone
later its 9 and he still no so
also arch has sleeping bags and a gun for coyotes an mountain ligers
they go to bed even though its still clearly light out and arch sings but its dubbed in
also hes singing about a girl named Valerie
also is whistling but his mouth aint doing dat movement
after a bit of talk his transistor goes off and he has to hit it to stop it
that's animal abuse
as they sleep in clearely day, caveman comes by and loudly eats some cr-p
he finds girl but transistor goes off and cares him away
they wake up and find the club so arch throws it a few feet away
they drive off and find dads camera, talk a bit, and move on
they get to this plasce and he convinces her to stay baxck as he goes off with a gun
nowadays some feminist would whine about that
oh hay, a snake
now that line makes sense
eventualy caveman touches girl on the arm and she blacks out
maybe he used a pressure point to knock her out?
or used his ki?
as he gets her off, she hits da horn and arch runs over
but hes gone by then
then caveman takes her to Bronson cave or w/e they had that power rangers and batman and tar trek cr-p filmed
in there is dad and they reunite
also his collarbone is broken
and dad and caveman get along
cqveman sniffs her and likes her perfume
also he looks through her hair for lice
she tells caveman shes hungry to keep him from b0ning her
also his mummified relatives are there
also dad sez da entrance is blocked
huh, cavemans voice is a bit like daisuke gouri ort kenji utsumi fro,m fist of the north stare/dbz
also he introduces girl to the mummified
and gives her a hunk of meat on a bone to eat
and she drinks gross smokey water
and dad sez his name  might be eegah
eegah shoes her cr-ppy stick figure cave paintings
it looks like its made of chalk
1 includes her and his car
later she's filled up on sulfur water and dad sez its kept eegah alive for years
maybe he's using the water to turn her into one of his kind?
and dad sez teegahs the last of his kind and the last 1 b4 him bit it 50-100 years ago
that's in the slavery days!
I blame the president of the time: lincon!!
man, they used the camera angles to make eegag look taller
hes standing and they are sitting
and I think in `1 scene they are further away from camera
also I think he wants to b0ne her
later arch hall jr wakes up in a bush and girl wakes up in a cave
I think eegah b0ned her
eegah goes out and girl gives dad aspirin for his broken bone
she gives dad a shave even though hes got no hair besides a moustache
later eegah comes by and arch goes the other way just missing
as eegah comes back dad wants her to escape but she don't wanna leave him
to avoid being b0ned she sings
what is this? Robotech??
she then puts shaving creame on the eegah and cuts his amish beard
after arch hall jr nearly runs into a gila monster, she shaves eegah as he licks shaving cream off his face
after a make over she shows him a mirror and he seems interested
he comes onto her and she gives him her neck thing to sniff
she trys to get him to move da rock but he wants to b0ne her
she tries giving his stuff bit he wants her
dad; give him something else!
me; like ur butt virginity!!
he starts undressing her a bit but she sez her dad can see em
so eegah nearly busts dads head
but they go out
girl; i'll keep him so busy he'll forget the rock
me; 5kank!!
also me; shes gonna get caveman aids!!
btw they never show the rock blocking da cave
they go out and hes feeling her shoulders and peeling off her outfit
she seems to be liking it
then dad comes out and eegah shoves girls a55 down and b0nes him dead
archj hal jr comes by and caps the eegah
eegah picks up girl and walks on and arch helps dad, then follows
eegah sneak attax arch hall jr and busts his gun
arch socks him in da gut but it does little
so eegah back hands him out
arch trows a rock at eegah and hes out
arch saves girl and dubbed in says dads ok and waiting for em
they leave but eegah gets up
they reunite with dad but eegah is after em
and da car wont start
arch rigged it so no one could steal it
he fixes it and they drive off with eehah chasing em
they cant drive up a sand hill and go back past eegah who gets on almost
they drive away but girl feels for eegah and they ry to make it look sad
eegah goes home and is bummed and starts violently j-rkin off
jk he talks to his mummified homies and smells her scarf
he holds it to the mummified noses so they can smell and goes off
I gotta say I like the music in here
dat guitar strumming
although I felt had they ended the movie in that chase it would've worked
so he goes to da city and drinks out of a pool
but people pee in it!
a couple goes by and husband is drunk and wife throws his bottle away
he gets it and sees eegah and runs to her and blacks out
also he gives her his keys as he knows hes drunk now
in the city eegah cant get past glass to a mannequin
at home, girl helps dad with his tie
they talk about if they should reveal eegah or if its dangerous
then arch comes in and they go to a party
arch; I got my dads wheels tonight
dad; real ly? do they FIT on your CAR!?
such bad acting
I love it
so eegah goes in their place with edited in glassbreaking sound to fake a broken window door glass and  breaks a wood doore to get to another part
in this place he interrupts a party, eats a bite of cooked meet and throws a guy in the pool
they call da cops and arch and his band plays some cool song
also when arch 1st saw his gf in her dress he was impressed
yet he didn't care as much when she was in a black bikini
I think the caveman is at a different place as them
girl talked with dad about how she sensed something about eegah
sounds like they gotta psychic link
so eegoo goes through town and people fear him
that's racist
the cops arrive and he escapes
also hes wearing furry shoes
so arch and band plays and I think they reused the pool area where eegah through that guy in
arch fights a guy over the girl and eegah eventually gets in
as does da cops
eegah pushes guys around and carries her off like in the cabinet of dr Caligari
cops cap him a buncha times and he falls in the pool like sunset blvd
girl crys for him and hugs arch
background gurl; is he real?
dad; yes he's real. it says so, in the book of genesis
scarf sinks in da pool and we get a rock and mist that sez the end
then credits to meaningful music
how classic
the end
that was pretty good
nice 60s low budget film
enjoyable, cheesy and fun
it rips off king kong, caligari, murders in the rue morgue and Cyrano de Bergerac
the not perfectly hman title character bites it over a girl he likes
its got that classic charm and heart and good offbeat feels
its just an enjoyable film
plus it has bible refs
is this movie creationist?
seems like it
for eegah!!! 2 I want the gov to takle away the caveman and the girl starts feeling and acting weird. turns out, shes becoming a caveman woman. the water and feels eegah gave her infected her and she's pregnant with his kid. the movie deals with her transformation both physical and mental into one of them and at the end, eegah escapes the gov lab that healed him an they escape to the desert as dad and arch never told em where he lived. its also an 8 bit game on Gameboy, gamegear nes and segas master system and turbografx 16 where you gotta go through ur day as the girl but each level you devolve more and it gets tougher. oh and arch hall gets tired of her mutation and goes with his side bimbos Vicky and Valerie.

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