Saturday, February 9, 2019

The Princess Bride Review

note; movie. goooood. spelling. baaaaaad
theprincess bride
this is my rebview on the dprincess bride from 1987
its got xcary elwis from saw and andre the giant from wwf
its based on a book I never read from da 70z and is directed by meatheasd from all in the family
its also guy peter falk from columbo, wallis shawn from toy story, robin write from some cr-p, chris Sarandon from nightmare b4 xmas and fred savage from the wizsrd
it starts with fred savage being sick in bed and playing cr-ppy baseball games on his computer
his grampa comes by and gives him a book his dad read him when sick and he read to freds dad
in da book this chick worked on a farm and hassled the farm boy slave
he always said "as u wish" to her demands
also they fel in love
they are gonna make out and fred has issue with romance
don't show him sailor moon/Robotech/Urotsukidoji
he goes off to make money for marriage
but gets takes out by dread pirate Roberts (a relative of dred scott?) who never leaves survivers
no survivors means no witnesses
years later da prince wants to marry on the 500th thing of their country being founded
what country is this?
what year is this?
the castlevania days?
the prince chose her to marry him as monarchy has supremacy over common humans
she don't like him but he don't care
then wallice shawn, andre and some Spaniard capture her
he puts a patch from a rival country on her horse and sends it back
cuz he wants to start a war
and his actors a commie so this makes more sense
also wallis wants to ice he girl
also he keeps saying inconceivable
in mon colle knights; prince eccentro sez "this plan is ill-conceived!" and tanaka replies; "your ill conceived!!"
at 1st it sounds like "this is gay!" "Ur gay!!"
but when you think about it, it sounds worse
and that was on fox kids
so as the kidnapers boat away, she jumps out and is almoist eaten by eels
oh and they're being chased by a boate
da next day (don't they sleep?!)  they get to a rock wall and climb up
but the chaser is climbing after em
they get to a top and cut da rope
but he climbs da wall
Spaniard is told to stay behind to fight him
btw good background
they used real matter instead of greenscreening it in
otherwise ur just watching the amazing bulk
Spaniard swears he wont ice chaser b4 he gets to the top so he'd accept a rope he threw down to speed things along
at da top he sez his dad was iced by a man w/ 6 fingers on 1 hand
kinda like in the unknown with lon chaney how he's got an extra thumb
he dueled him and got face scars and was left alive
now he devotes himself to fencing
oh and he was 11 then
they have a nice talk and they duel
chaser is a better swordsman but Spaniard switches to his right hand and gains edge
so chaser right hands too and wins
but knocks him out and continues on as he don't wanna waste the talent of the guy so good
sorta like with goku and vegeta in the Saiyan arc
so he catching up and wallis takes girl and tells andre to bust chasers head with a rock
but he misses on purpose to be fair
they have a fair fight of strength and speed and chat
man andre is huge
like that guy from golden axe
chaser choaks him out but don't ice him and goes off
prince gets to the part with the duel was and figures out what happened by footprints
this guy has skill
man we're already 30 mins in with adds
wallois holds a knife to girl and sez hes smart
chaser challenges him to a game of wits
he poisons a glass of wine and he chooses wjtch to drink from
wallis goes on about whjich glass has poison based on all these little things he knows
he sez "look over there" and switches glasses
man hes like the big bang theory nerds
they drink and wallis bites it
chaser gets the girl and sez he poisoned both glasses and is immune to it
chaser talks and he sez she don't love
but she sez she do
oh and prince finds the giant battle area and wallis fight area
she figures out hes the dred pitare robertts and hates him for killing farm slave
he sez he remembers farmboy and he bit it well
and went on about how he loved he chick
she shoves his a55 down a hill saying he can bite it too and he sez as u wish
she realizes its farmboy andf jumps and rolls like sonic afer him
they reunite and hes asks why she didn't wait
she sed hes ded
then threy make out
freed saveage don't like it
at least they weren't b0ning
they go into da fire swamp witch sounds ike somethin ouuta a jrpg
no one survived b4
in it its a forest and has fie outta da ground
like contra legacy of war with that final level
on da way there he sez his saying please to survive and telling of his gf moved the last Roberts and he kept him as a slave
later he passed the name of dred pitate Roberts to him as it was done to him
as its like batman in batman beyond
or the phantom in phantom 2040
hes gonna retire the job and give it to someone else now he has her
they get sucked into qwik sand and he hpuills em out
also is a cool rat monster that I don't know how they made work
it attax him and bites his arm
she just stands there watching him get f'd by it and when it coms for her he wrestles it
he rolls it onto a fire poot and cooks it then shanks it
my bro said that freaked him out as a kid
they get out and prince catches em
hes gonna fight but she surrenders if they wont hurt him
prince agrees but tells his minion to take him out
also minion has 6 fingers
minion knocks him out and hw wkes up in some dungeon with an albino sez theres no way out
also albino treats his wounds as prince wants him healthy b4 hes iced
man we're like an 1 hour in
then the king bites it
and she gonna marry prince
fred goes mental over the story not going right
as girtl goes up a hag bashes her for dumping farmb oy
but its a dream
wtf is this? final destination 1-5?!
and king still lives
she tells prince she don't wanna marry him
prince plays it cool but trys to turn her
he sez he'd send letter to Roberts and if he don't reply she marry him
and prince wants to ice her and blame the rival nation
hay its just like what happened with Charles and dianaia
then minion hooks farmboy to a achine with nipple cups
it sucks a year of his life
sounds like something from final fantasy or Inuyasha
actually, mummies alive did that with the hoboes
later prince tells a guard the rival kingdom is gonna ice da chick and to empty the thieves forest by night
he gets a brute squad to do it
Spaniard is drunk and waiting for wallis and da guards want him outed
andre helps him and tells him about the minion with the 6th fonger
but they cant take em alone and need chaser
meanwhile girl figures out prince is an a55 and lied to her
she sez farmboy is comming for her
prince then kills chaser with the machine set on max
his screams go across the land
Spaniard and angre catch albino and k o him
spaniardo uses is sword to dowse for the entrance and its in a tree
btw the princess name is buttercup
like... fat b00b??
so farmboy is dead and fred goes mental over it
and wants someone to kill the prince
grampa sez no one kills him
so they bring farmboys bod to miracle max played by billy cryatal who is very Yiddish
better Yiddish than brittish
so billy sez farmboy isn't fully dead and he inflates farmboy and pressed him and he sez true love
billy finds if farm slave gets better than it f's da prince who fired him so he does some ritual o fix him
they carry him to the castle and give him a senzu bean to heal him
he revives but he's not fully able to move
he sez he cant but they have a few items that can help
then its night and prince gon marry girl
using a wheelbarrel and a fire cloak they make people think andre is the pirate Roberts and the people run
prince sez he iced chaser and the heroes get in the castle
priest cuts to man/wife without asking girl if she consents
yet with royalty, there IS no consent!!
Spaniard faces minion 6 finger and 6 finger escapes and spainardou chases
girl is gonna seppuku after reaching the honeymoonsweet
and the king is too inbred to understand
he leads the country
Spaniard gets a knife to the gut and 6 finger recognizes him
gurl gets to her room to shank herself but farmboy is there and sez don't knife ur t-ts
Spaniard fights 6 finger and regains strength by saying his name, telling 6 finger he iced his dad, and he gon ice him
then he shanks him on purpose without any other factors
nowadays they'd make it an accident or something
but here he executes him
if this were R rated he'd cut pieces of him off and make the guy eat them
girl sez sorry for marrying prince but he somehow knows she didn't say I do
prince come in and farmboy sez all this dark cr-p about him mutilating prince into a gross mess
that's some dante's inferno cr-p btw
he stands challenges and prince who queers out and gets tied up by girl
but farmboy was bluffing and cant stand
he wants prince to live long in shame of being beat
andore gets em 4 white horses from the kings stables
they go off and farmboy offers Spaniard the dred pirtes robets job
farmboy and girl make out as the best kiss ever and fed savage don't mind
grampa sez as u wish when fred savage asks if he gonna come by tommow to read another book
then credits that show film footage with the name of da actor as their character under it
wtf the Spaniards name is mandy
the end
what a nice movie
like a fairy tale that's not dark and cannibal
its got heart, charm, love, action, wit and fun
nothing awful or mean
no gore or nude scenes
well cast and written
not much swearing
the good guy kills someone on purpose
I loved it
and it has good pacing
it never drags and goes by at a good flow
it doesn't feel like 2 hours with adds
I loved it
for the princess bride 2 I want the prince to be taking out his issues on being beat on the people and forcing them to near slavery ad having them fight to the death in front of him. also he makes them eat eachother alive. 1 guy goes out to find the dred piate Roberts to save em but the kings soldiers are after him. much of the film is about this new guy who's a dink and whines too much. eventually he finds the girl and ex dred pirate Roberts and tries to get em to join him but is such a wiener that ex Roberts has enough and chopps him up. its also a Gameboy, game geare and Atari lynx game like Zelda links awakening where you play as the wiener who is always being a oser and makes the players hate him. at the end you play as ex Roberts and face him.

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