Saturday, April 27, 2019

Carnosaur Review

note; my spellings is as good as this film is reviewed
this is my review on carnosaur from 1993
its a mockbuster made to capitalize on the popularity of Jurassic park
it came out just before it and I think made money
its by roger corman who's awesome and stars no one I heard of
oh wait, clint howard is in it
after quick credits and title, we get credits to chickens in a factory and dna cr-p
so this is based on a novel just like Jurassic park
written and directed by adam simon
Is his middle name Samuel?
a s simon
so then people in a dark power rangers like room r talking about some chick who is god at science and wiped out a species or something
hope it was dogs
they s-ck
then years ago she vanished
her contract gives her undisturbed secrecy and shes working on someyhing
btw his film its fullscreen so to top and bottom cut off by black barz
then in the chicken factory these guys are working on cr-p and this chick watches em on camera
they go in da chicken cage room and 1 chichen was eaten and has a huge a55 egg
it hatches and w/e came out sliced his face like ice dragon in dbgt
spoiler; chickens are vicious
they can skeletonize a mouse in seconds
in the 60s my mom was a kid in soviet Poland and this chicken tried cutting her up
she still has a scar
my grandma took its head off and they ate him
plus chickens are cannibals
when my dad was a kid on the farm, if a chicken died in the coop, the next day, picked clean!!
I had an idea for a law and order ep where they ice this guy with a soft tissue injury and put his body in the chicken coop
by the time the cops get there; no evidence
just a pecked skeleton
then they feed the chickens to the victims family!!
so the chickem factory has lockdown but 1 delivery guy gets through against orders
driver stops to check on em and gets iced by whatevers in there
good music and feels
its like prom night 4
then this rdneck/hippy is drunk and hears noises
redniekc; I got a gun and cant shoot for sh-t
he goes out, shoots, comes back , snipers something and finds its some blonde chick
he calls da cops and cops are busy at the drivers body and think it might be a bobcat who got him
bubsy no!!
later at an autopsy I think, this dr sends a wound sample in da mail to a guy
next day redneck fell asleep and the blonde got away
they find her at this wasteland area and redneck sezs she's not here
later this guy is having guys look for the thing that got out and his teen daughter/sister/wife or whatever goes out with her bf
lusty teens?
well that's the end of them!
so later blonde sez thanks to redneck for not outing her and gives him a friendship item
she sez her name is thrush and used to be ann
is this mad max?
or like captain planet with wheelers friend trish going by trash?
she goes on about dinosaurs and evolutionism
even though when you weigh the facts on both sides, creationism makes more sense
she's also an eco hippie who defends da urth from da evil corporations
how original
so the lusty teens drive drunk and nearly drive off a cliff
drunk lusty teens?
they totally aint gonna be in the sequel!
so 1 teen goes out to p-ss and the others b0ne in the car
then they all get shredded by the monster
turns out its a dinosaur
well here its not a theme park and the dino comes to the humans and not the other way around
so its not exactly like Jurassic park
deep blue sea is closer
so driver was tested for diseases and dna and its a match for chickens
killer chickens?
better than killer shrews
so the workers are out driving and 1 has a bada55 scar now
then redneck meets blonde and offers her a lift back
she rejex it but when he sez he's gonna be driving around if she don't she consents
so then they see the teen who was chopped up
wait, hes a Mexican
the workers find the thing but use a real gun instead of a dart gun
then it wastes em
they use a puppet for the monster and it looks better than cgi today
later dark room guys are eating pie and 1 guy sez the pie can stay fresh on a shelf for 18 months
so main dark room guy sez to keep the info down as he's almost got a senator to back down on regulations and a chicken attack scandal would f em
of he's feeding the senator pie
 then the chick (I think the scientist mentioned at the start) tells this probably mentally ret-rded guy his daughter is here and alive and he goes into a foggy red strobe light room
theres a strobe light and this huge t rex is there and it eats him
also is a laser grid to keep him in it
the t rex effect looks like in pee wees big adventure
then redneck sees a buncha hippies on the construction equipment and they don't wanna move
but its night and they wont start using em until daylight
he lets em stay and warns em against bobcats
get em bubsy!!
later redneck I think is at a diner and the people talk about the attack
1 guy sez its not a bobcat as they don't eat people and the driver had his eyes eaten like birds do
at the diner is this pregnant couple and 1 guy sez a he knew of guy who kept talking about something (I cant make out what he said as hes eating) with his heavily pregnant woman and when the baby was born it had antlers
then at the construction site this dinosaur eats the hippies on the vehicle
1 guys face is bit off and cuz the hippies and handcuffed to it, they cant get away
its good and gory
take that u tree suckers!
1 guy's hand is stuck on the chain he trapped himself on the truck with
redneck comes back and everyones dead
the gore effects are actually cool
a dr tells cop that the killings are the same as the driver
its the same animal but each attack is deeper
its growing fast
also blonde somehow survived and is in rednex trailer
then the dino attacks
she shoots it with his gun as she's not such a hippie after all
then redneck finds workers iced
then he brings it into the base and sez he has the thing but its out from a trank
but its really a dead guy he took back and he pulls a gun on her
he hid the body in a bag
wait I don't think its redneck'
then cop (hes really a sherrif but I say cop) goes home and its day and hes with his wife
oh and there's a fever going around and chick sez she designed it
cop cracks some eggs but they full of blood
and theres a baby dino in one
then guy who told the story goes into the chicken factory eating a piece of chicken and a dino eats his head off
cop gets a dr and he examines the baby dino
also theres a lot of guys there with the plague
chick examines a worker of hers who feels ill and her name is susan like georghes fiancée in Seinfeld
chick sez her body is an evolutionary battlefiend and her dna is being rewritten
she does some weird birthing exercises with her and susan poops out an egg
come to think of it, the plague carriers on the dr's were all chix
chick has a bunch of eggs in her room
also darkroom guy gets a buncha dna engerening forms and mad science cr-p that was never shown to him b4
they (darkroom guy and the army find the dna in the driver was a virus tm'd by that company
then I think pregnant couple come by and theres hazmat armed guards on the road saying the areas quarantined
they take her and him
chick sez da earth wasn't made for man but dinosaurs
not according to the Bible
and she wants to give it back to em
this is what happens when you teach kids evolution
and she wants to fight the evils of human progress to save the world from people
then pregnant chick poops out a dino baby
not sure a baby can have all its cells remastered in a few hours
esp when it takes 9 months to go from 1 cell to a fully formed baby
although at 5.5 months a baby can survive outta the mom
and human brains don't finish developing until around the mid 20s
so chick goes on a monologue about how bad humans are and how da urth will be better w/o em
sounds like modern day eco commies
nowadays she'd be the good guy in modern movies
so cop comes by some place at night and wants action
btw he's a black guy in a horror movie
I never saw this b4 but I;,m pretty sure hes done
oh he's looking at a break in where the dino on the loose ate a dog
dino attakcs him but he quickly turns around and caps it
in Jurassic park, Muldoon got eaten
he goes up slow to take it out but gets sliced in da gut by its leg
still did better than Muldoon
so the army plans and finds in not long the species could go out
but they have artificial wombs now as the 90s are the future
btw this virus infecting people and turning em being a threat to the planet reminds me of the sigma virus from mega man x
redneck sez he knows theres a chance to make an antivirus but she sez its too late
so he starts capping eggs and she gives him the raw viral serum
he goes down the path the ret-rded guy went for some reason and the t rex is there
he shoots out the laser grid and runs
she starts pooping out an egg and redneck goes into the vents
but the t rex starts headbutting the wall
she tears open her gut wit her fingers as her skin is that cr-ppy and a baby dino comes out of her and she probably bites it
he gets back home to blonde and its daytime and sees he still has her friendship necklace
but then its night again and the t rex is out
the sun is coming in the windows at his place
redneck goes on the radio and the jets on it say theres a t rex out
he sez that when blonde talked about dinos and evolution she sed there was a migration route there
and the t rex knows somehow and is coming this way
that don't make sense
then the hazmat guys start capping the sick
assisted suicide??
redneck gives her the raw viral serum and has her drive a forklift
wait, its a bulldozer or w/e has a front scoop
he drives 1 too
they fight it with em like ripley in aliens and he gets turned on his side
good idea of tech vs living
like beast machines did
he gets out and she saves him by busting the t rex's head with her machine
but she gets knocked out
so he fights in her machine and guts it
pretty violent
even Jurassic park didn't have dinosaurs being bloodily killed
then he takes her back in his trailer and gets a call asking if anyones alive
the hazmat guys come in and shred him with bullets
then torch him and her
what is this? night of the living dead?
oh and the serum blows
Jurassic park didn't have an ending like that
I mean yeah it wasn't happy but it wasn't dark
the end
then the credits roll but going top to bottom in reverse style
gaffer; Christopher barnes
likre Christopher Daniel batnes? the 90s spiderman??
lol the credits say to read the book
so that wasn't ad as I was lead to believe'
I mean yeah its kinda cheesey and 80s but its not a clone of jp1
also the book it was based on was written before Jurassic park
its different and in an age where every movie I the same, I like it
its not as good as Cotman directed films but its sorta like prom night 4 or something
yeah Jurassic park has better effects and writing and music and directing
but this isn't trash
Jurassic park is more timeless and this is more 80s
this took risks and had more gore for that r rating
Plus it has a female bad guy.
Not too many movies have that now
its like Jurassic park is Mario and this is socket/time dominator 1st
for jurassic park I mean carosaur 2 I want t to be 20 yeas later and a new generation has arisen. part dino part human. the humans still exist but are not as strong or fast. but they are smarter. eventually a dinoman is revealed to have developed intelligence close to man but not fully there. she wants to take over an claim her true place as leader of the dinomen and wipe out the humans. turns out; she's the kid of the chick who made the virus and has absorbed her soul after busting outta her. also thanks to advances in science, some humans have become stronger, faster and more alive than before and are close to the level of the dinomen. a force of them defends humanity from the attacks of dinomen with cyber armor that boosts strength and speed and endurance. also its a 16 bit game like mega man on sega genesis, snes, Atari jaguar and turbogafix16 where you play as either the defese force or dinomen and fight through areas to take em over.

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