Thursday, May 16, 2019

The Thaw Review

Note: I spell better than globval warming exists
The Thaw
This is my review on the thaw from 2-009
Its got Val Kilmer, aaron ashmore(brother of the guy from x men and animorphs) and Kyle Schmid from Vrius, I was a 6th grade alian, degrassi next gen and thre pacifier
also its got garry chalk from beast wars and freddy vs jason as a radio voice
so it startz with val talking to da camera about sacrifice
ritual sacrifce 8 stars of monsters to ritual summon dark master zork in attack mode!
then it shows a chick with a head hole with a parasite in it
it gows out but deeper in her head
then garry optimus primal chalk bashes lies about global arming
note; with the media promoting it, omnly 46% of people believe in it
but 48% of people believe in creationism, even with the media bashing it and promoting evolution
so creationism is literally more believable than global warming
as 48 is more than 46
plus when you factor in the media propaganda, that makes it more so
so then val and homies watch a polar bear and 1 guy caps it
it runs at em but stops offscreen
next time use a machine gun
metal slug guy; heavy machine gun!
turns out it was a dart gun and they study the bear
its doing cr-ppy
their indian guide shows them a mammoth frozen in da ice
then val's video is shown to college kids to turn em commie
3 of em get to go up to alaska to help his cr-p
then val calls his teen daughter evil lynn i mean evelyn and she'ds all b--chy over some cr-p he did years ago
he invites her up to the frozen wastelands of soviet alaska
later this nerd talks to a black chopper pilot
black guy in a horror movie?
well thats the end of him!
val calls black guy and tells him to pick someone up
then this blonde chats to val in da tent over the frozen mammoth about telling people to stay away
then evil lynn comes by and black guy tells her that val told her to stay away
she gets in the choppa anyway and they go up
aaron from animorphs talks to her on the trip about her dad val doing eco attacks against pipelines
back at camp val shoots his dog
their kind dont belong on our blue and pure world
oh and blonde barfs
i think they got aids
so on the chopper trip aaron talks with a guy over how much time they have to save the world
listen to me or everyone dies
good sign of a hero
so thry get 2 da base and its off
no power or heat
use ur ki
also it stinks
So animorphs has issues with his dad and wants to go on eco gee haad
so evie and animprphs find a dead polar bearthat stunk up the place as the power returns
aimorphs takes a photo of black guy posing with the bear and something bites black guys arm
then val berrys his group in the dirt of alaska
blonde answers the radio while hes out and its evie
she tells blonde the students are at the base and blonde puts val on
he tells her to stay at da base
oh and black guy heard a gunshort b4 val berried his homies
so when val chacks on blonce she caps him with a shotgun and then the last guy left
thasts for batman forever!!
so at night the asian girl and 6th gade alian guy b0ne but thers a bug there and it freaks him out
hes racist against bugs
there are good bugs
like spiders and dragonflies and footlong centipedes
so the next day black guy is scratching his bite and its got a wound on it
thi is turning into naked and afraid
aka; dante's inferno gx
as its a new generation of naked people suffering
so then they find blonde at the camp in a vehicle or something and she's all f'd
evie calls her dad but hes not fully dead as he's still moving
btw howard hughs i mean howie mandell got ocd after gettign a bug bite and parasitres and it f'd him out
maybe that 6th grade alien guy has it too?
what caused his phobia?
probably had a foot long centipede crawl up his a55
oh and the chopper was f'd and black guy needs a few hours to fix it
so blonde starts barfing blood and bites it
asian tries mouth to mouth but it dont work.
wait i think its evie
6th grade alien has them seal the room blonde bit it in with duct tape
evie and animprogs go off on a speeder bike from mega man x or w/e to the camp site of val
at camp they find a frozen mammoth in a ice with bug eggs on it and moving parasites
animprphs sez a wood frog can stay frozen over a winter but this is 20 000 years old
so doesnt that mean its probably not 20 000?
maybe like after noah's flood?
evie finds val berried in dirt and tries digging him up but animprphs stops her
she still hates him cuz she's a b--chy teen
later 6th grade alien pees and has issues
he thinks he got something from his gf he was b0ning
but shes f'd too
so animporhs and evie return and animpoprhs tells black guy blonde capped everyone
6th grade alien calls for help
evie checks blonde and she's all rotted with eggs on her body
burn her!!
then a bug comes outaa her eye
they take her to da lab and she checks the bear and its got eggs too
animporhs wonders how long they stay as larva
sounds like he's gonna use them for his own gain like that guy in mega man x and the sigma virus
they figure out the eggs have infected the asian and black guy
evie wants to contact disease control
6th grade alian guy caps the radio and sez hes in charge
this is seeming a lot like john carpenters the thing
so asian teen is all f'd and barfs
this is turning into naked and afraid
they put her in a room and check her and shes got eggs coming outta her gut
then in da polar bar wroom is a swarm of bugs
so black guy cuts into his arm and its all rotted
so he makes a left arm offering
i missed a bit as i was testing my cloudian deck vs my D HERO Deck but someone goes in the bear room with full body covering and the parasites come for her
its evie and she gets out and takes off her clothes to gte the bugs off
1 almost goes in a cut on her but alimorphs pulls it out
6th grade alien makes her take it all off to do a body check
we dont see her nips
so later they talk about what could happen if the buigs get off the island
its on an ilsanad?!
also, would'nt global warming be good as it would flood the area and kill the bugs??
then a bug is out with em
they chack on the bodies and they are totally covered in bugs like oogie boogie in nightmare before christmas
then they see asian gurl struggling with parasitrs in her room from the vents and she's banging on the door to get out
he caps her through the glass
this is a lot like the scene in the thing where they had to wonder if macready was one of em when he was outsode and wanted in
oh and the parasites are in black guys arm stump
btw despite the room havign parasites in i swarming around a few seconds ago, after 6th grade alien capped her they are gone
black guy goes into the room with aisan teen to die
btw were already 90 mins in with adds
this went by qquick
so evie knows 6th grade alien has bugs on him and hes gonna cap her
but val kilmer comes back from h-ll and caps him
btw the bugs were in his b0nar
so they decide to torch the place but as they spread the gasoline evie realizes val knew of the bugs
she watches a video of val infecting hmself with a parasite and using his body as a sacrifice to get people to do something about global warming
he did it to cause a disaster and kill a lotta people to get people motivated to fight glbal warming
what is this!? the watchmen!?
this seems like something Sigma would do in mega man x
so the new chopper comes and val gets on it
i think he locked em in there but they easily get out and animprohs gets on the leg of the chopper
he falls and val sez they are infected and chopper gotta leave em
evie gets a rifle and takes out the chopper like its contra
it blows and she checks on animporhs who bites it
he tells her to get her dads notes out and this is the beginning
guess he wasn't a virgin
oh and the base burns from the chopper blowing
just like in the thing from the 80s
so she gets in a chopper and i dont think she knows how to fly it as it just cuts away to more choppers coming and her still there
then she gives a speech about how we need to change to stop doing bad cr-p and something abou val kilmers sacrifice
oh and the medics find and save her
then this fisher is listening to optimuis primal bashing evie's dad and the idea she saved the world on the radio
fishermans dad i mean dog eats a birg that had the parasite and they go back to the city
the end
that was pretty good
it had some good parts and themes
good effects
good pacing
good body horror
decent acting and good use of music
this got cr-ppy reviews but i thoguht it was ok
its not as epic as the thing but its not awful
yeah it rips off john carpenter and mega man x but those were good
streets of rage ripped off final fight and it was good
i thoguht it was good
and i'm not even into global warming
but i watch time travel movies and dont whine about how unscientiffic they are
unless they totaly screw up the time travel like the yugioh 3d bonds beyond time movie
for the thaw 2 i want it to be about an outbreak at the city where the guy and his dog went to. the people fight to survive but there are a few holy people who are immune. turns out, the bugs are aliens, or rather space daemons, and have come from h-ll in space to take out the human race. and the righteous people who don't swear or drink or use drugs or b0ne are immune. also he parasites control the people and make them turn into grotesque abominations of flesh and muscle and exoskeleton parts. and its up the the righteous to fight em with holy ki attacks. its also a 16 but beat em up on sega genesis, snes, tg16, atari jaguar and gba where you play as up to 4 rightous people and fight the infected.

No comments:

Post a Comment