Saturday, August 24, 2019

Christina's House Review

note; i spell righte horrorshow eh wot me droogs
cjrostinas house
this is my review on christinas house from 2000
i've never seen it but i hear its horror
itstarts with a chick going to a spooky house to sell cpokies
she gets cauught and shook til she bites it by some unknown guy
later these 90s teens wiyh 1 on a gameboy that sounds atari come home from school
girl teen takes a bath and when her dad comes in to whiz it freaks her out
dad wants her to look after her almoist 14 teen bro
theb her bf comes over and smooches her
he wanrs her to go party but she has to watch her bro
but she goes off with her bf
and she takes him with em and bribes him with a pizza
he gon get fat
at this bar her bf talks wioth her about b0ning and she dont consent
at the bar she meets howie whos probably the bad guy
later dad comes home and they have dinner
dad's job s-cked and the plumbers union gives em 26$ an hour for j-rkin off whole they wait for supplies
union free is the way to be
at night bf sneaks in and blows her hair to freak her out
he sneeaks out da window bf dad gets in
after hes gone bf sneeaks back and wants to go in da attic as he saw a light go off
later its after school and bro plays gbc with loud atari effects and teen chick sees a part eaten sandwitch
then howie is there ans chex da furnace
teens bimbo friend is gay for howie
later a guy comes by asking if they saw this girl whos missing
then he wants to use their potty
he sez missing teen was gone yesterday and they say they were here after school
they just ket a stranger in?
so he doesnt poop in their place and leaves
btw, who thinks that bimbo friend is gonna get iced?
also; its only been a day?
i thought she went missing years ago
later she asks dad why the house makes noises and gives him a letter saying they gotta pay da rent
he callls em and sez he payed
later they have dinner with bf and bf sez his uncle got capped in the head
he survived but went weird
also his dad aint with em
he sez he'd eat anything and dad freaks out and sends him out
maybe in the uncut version it made sense
later this big eyes chick gets a note from bf saying he broke up with main chick and to meet him at main chicks place
she gets iced
later main chick trys going in da attic but dad stops her
later howie comes by and they check the atticn for rats
people keep coming in and outta the house
its like the room with tommy wiseau
in there thery find pix of her mom who its imlpied she bit it
she also sez she moved her from soviet los angelas
eventually they find a rat and she grabs him in fear
then bf comes in thinking they were gonna b0ne
later bimbo friend and main chick are sunbathing in bikini's and bimbo friend sez everyone is talking about how he's a virgin
when did virgin become a bad thing?
its liek saying being a non-junkie is bad
now its cool to be a 5kank
then her bro finds a body in da river
wait, its just an arm
so the cops come by and bf too to see if things r ok
later a guy attacks bf by tackling him through a window and beating on him
that came outta nowhere
later main chick fights with bro over her missing journal
but dad finds it in her room and she sez it wasnt there b4
wait, it was howeie who got beat on
later main chick sees someone upstairs and sez she sensesz someone in the house
later she comes in and is scared but then its a surproze party
at the party she and bf go to make out but dad comes in
he is dissapoint as he thought he could trust her
bf opens a box and theres a dead mouse in it
later the bimbo goes upstairs and gets iced
she should\'ve stayed a virgin
later dad tells main teen that bimbo hasmt made it home
later main chick is freakin out and it trys to be scary
next day cop comes by
later main chick goes to see her mom who i thought bit it but is really in the nuthouse or something
mom sez she stopped watching dad and that was her mistake that got her sent here
its hard to tell as the signal on my tv is spazzing out
later she confronts dad and is mental over him following her
later at school she is worried her dad did something and tells her bro she loves him
later she and bro are home and she notices the window in the potty is sealed
she hears the diasy song from 2001 and goes upstairs to the attick
she finds a ghetto blaster in the attic and takes it dowbn
later she finds the windows are sealed
she trys to escape with her bro but the doors are sealed
then bf comes in the back dfoor (that soounded wrong) and he trys using a chair on da glass
it wont break ands the phone wont work
then who was phone?!
later dad finds out the people he wanted to work on his plance never did anything
allso howie is talking to himself with his hands as puppets of teen and dad
he comes down and has been reading her diary
bf slugs him but he tanks it
also howie thinks teen is gay for him
he grabs bf by neck and holds hiom to wall and kills bhim with a tool to the head
she lox herseld in a room and he ulockis itas she spazzes out
just kick him in the parts
dad comes home but gets caught in a trap with saw bladers
howoe tells her to check the atticxk for dad and she goes  up but he follows
he goes on a tirade over all the cr-p he did to protect her and no one appreciates him
then turns on the daisy song and trys dancuing witrh her
he knew her mom and did diss cuz of her
she calls mom crazy ands he slaps her and dances more
then she sees the girls he iced b4
were they dere da hopme time?
then dad comes in and puts him through a wall and beats on him
then howie shanks him as he turned his back to talk to teen instead of finishing hoeiw off
so she gets away somehow and finds bro and decides to ice howuie
she puts on rock music and faces him but the msic dies
so howie gets brother and teen confronts him
he turns to ice bro but she gets him with a long drill in da back
when he did that it made sense as hes crazy and didnt see her as danger
then she runs through the sealed house w/o finishing him off cuz shes a dumba55
could've aty least took oout a leg so he cant chase u
he comes 4 her but bro hits a trap door and he falls into the sae blade trap
then she drops a dresser on him
then after everyones dead, the cop shows up
bf is in a comea with a hole in his head but wait i think its dad
cop sez howie was released from da nut house a while ago
then we see mom at the nut house looking at a newly released guy and sending him mental mesaages
te end
that wasnt so bad
sorta reminds me of the gklass house from around the same era
i liked the cool blue lighting
it wasnt as dead looking as most stuff today
good atmosphgere and feels of dread
good musuc
its not great
bit its good as it is
wtf the credits say 1999
but i liked it and thought its a good lste 90s horror movie
plus its filmed in soviet canada
for chriastinas house 2 i want it to be years later and christina is a big beefy femake body builder and her bro is also big and buff. they got strong by fighting crazys her mom sent and eating them for protein. eventuakly they realize that the crazys were sent by mom and go to take her out. its also a 2 player beat em up on sega genesis, gba, snes atari jaguar and tg16 where you play as either the bro or sister and fight thriough the nuthouse to take her out.

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