Monday, August 26, 2019

D.O.A. Dead Or Alive Review

Note: i spell bwtter than the writer of this film writes
D.O.A. Dead Or Alive
This is my review on D.O.A. Dead Or Alive from the 00s
its based on the jiggley video games that I never played as I don't have a playstation
it stars devon aoki from sin city and has a cameo by robin shou from mortal kombat
people hated this movie but my bimbo gf loved it
i saw it years ago once and thought it was ok
so it starts in japan and princess kasumi's big bro bit it and she has to become leader
she dont believe it until she sees his body(thats horror movie logic) and wants to find out for herself
but if she leaves, she'll be an outcast, a shinobi(thats not what a shinobi is dumba55!! its another word for ninja!! not outlaw!! is robin hood a shinobi?!) like her bro
she leaves and fights the guards who were defending her b4
she fights ayane wjo was gay fir her bro 1st
they dont fight and she just throws a katana in a wall and springs off it like a sega game.
they flies out on a hidden back back glider
then she gts a message to invite her to sometyhing
then tina armstrong is working out her bikini bod om a boat and her dad wants her to go to a wwf match
then robin shou comes in to jack her yacht with his sea pirate cew
she kicks theye a55es and its pretty well done fighting
then she gets a metal shiriken invitation
then this chick taking a shower comes out and is arrested for jacking diamonds from as safe
eww i think shes brittish!!
she puts on undies under her towel to p0rn0 music and when a guy gives her the bra she kicks it and his gun  up, fights em with a towel and catches the bra on b4 it hits the ground
then leaves in just undies and jacks a guys trenchcoat and items b4 escaping on a motorcycle
then she gets an invite
shes christie
then ayame is otdered to take out kasumi
then helena in a bikini tells all the fighters on a plane they are the best in their fighting style and are gonna fihht for a cash prize
on da plane the bros friend who i think is supposed to ne ryu hayabusa from ninja gaiden, was invited as was ayame
and christine tells max off for leaving her to get f'd by the cops in the hotel and she wants payback
also she grabs his parts
then tthey gotta parachute out of the plane and if they aint at da compound by subnset thety're out
then sky diving like in the power rangers movie
but green screen
they're hair isnt even going up
so they get to this pagota ooking thing and tina/christine (which is the same name! Its like lex and al!!) and kasumi climb it
how do they know this is the right one?! they werent given directioons or shown pix!!
so then they work together to get up
kasumi climbs up tina and steps on her head/pulls her jeans down her a55
a good metaphor for japan taking over america in video gaming
this film is deep
so thy get up and theres a base on tiop of the mountaub
so the geese howard of this game sez  D O A was made by helena's dad and shes part of it now
the they get a physica; in their undies andd zack is in big baggy boxers
shouldnt he be in a mini speedo?
some nerdlinger tess the game boss the stats and lusts after helena
they give her an injection with nanoi machines that scan them
this is how adult comics start
imafgine if it turnrd her into a big d0ng-like monster?
then the chicks traiin (dudes too) showing off their tight bods
wtf ryu used nunchaku
where's his dragon sword?!
is this after ninja gaide II where it revied that chick?
then they fifht aand its pretty good
they even got name bars on thetop of the screens like in the game
so is this a best of 3 like the games or single elimination?
also; how many continues do you get??
i hate when fighting games have limited continues
in the arcade you just can keep putting in coins
if i spent 5$ on a game (used, cartridge only) i sjhould get 5$ of quarters worth of continues
so after the 1st round we see ryu hayabusa saving kasumi from bandits or w/e using accupuncture needles yo immobilize people
thats pretty bada55
it was a flash bacjk
but then an invite blade came in
when was this?!
so kasumi sees game boss and asks what happened with her bro who bit it in doa last year
boss sez he was iced by leon whos a huge hulkeed out body builder
but they never found his boddy
the flash back was her bro sabing her
noe it makes sense
a;lso they call ryu hayabusa; hayabusa
its like calling geese howard ; howard
or andy bugard; bogard
also kasumi dont trust boss and tells tryu
later christine is in a room with max and he sez he faked an injury to get by round 01
he wants to steal 100 million $ on the island in a vault
then they b0ne
then zack, again in long shorts, flirts with tina in a  bikini
whats with the long baggy shorts?
was his actors d0ng too big?!
so boss has nerdlinger pair kasumi and lein
but 1st ayame comes at kasummi with a katana
but leon comes in and tey kung fu fight
btw this leon reminds me of the bugg guy from variable geo with the shades
the fight busts through the place and into christines/maxes bedroom
she otta do the splits and punch him in the parts
worked for jonny cage/jean claude
she eventually beats him
then tina and her dad are paired up
he kicks in the door cuz he cant use a knob and finds her in bed with christine (who sleeps nude)
he thinks she's turned queer and leaves them til tomorrow
also christine is in black undies
so boss and nerdlinger find max is a fake a55 and nerd sends leon afrer him
so leon throws a shoe in his parts
then in da face which makes him get k o'd by a statue
work smarter, not harder
next day kasumi uses  pressure points on tina
use ur ki
then tinaa's dad comes in and thinks she;s gay with kasumi
this just went springer
my daughter has too many girlfriends!
that and ayame trying to kill kasumi for leaving the clan (ninja clan)
they fight on a raft and 1st one in the water loses
tina sez shes here to prove shes not a fake and they fight
she beats him with a ring out as he wasnt taking this srs
then thet are at the beach in more bikinis and siome play volley ball
max scans helena's butt tattoo with a small metal thing
ryu is flustered by kasumi in a bikini
yeah but rachel in that p0rn0e outfit is ok
as they have a harcd core bad a55 epic vollyball match, ryu sneaks in da base and beats guys up often using break dance fighting
eventuallly a shuriken pops the volleyball and kasumi fights ayame in a bamboo forrest like ninja scroll
in yugioh was a card; bamboo battleground
i misread it as; bimbo battleground!!
kasumi wants to work with ayame to find bros killer
but they just fight more
kasumi busts a big bamboo and spins it to open it like an umbrella, then catches ayame's blade and arm in it, then throws it
I'm like 80% sure thast wont work. But after Mythbusters, 1000 ways to die, and manswers, I don't know what's real anymore
so other chicks come by and ayamme books it
max thinks helena's butt tattoo is the code but it was only done last year
then nerdlinger has a phantasy of being with helena and comes onto her
it dont go well
zack hits on tine for like the 4th time and she kicks his face
but they put it off til sunrise
then its sunrise and they fight
btw theres a lot of continuuity errotrs in here
all over da movie
so je busts her oyutta the ring but she cimes back and beats the black off him
btw good use of slo mo
wasnt he dennis rodman?
then they have respect for each otrher after a beat down
the next fight is helema and chrisgie
then we see them fight in the rain in a bamboo beach wearing little
but i think its just imagination
or a memory
so christie draws the tattoo on helenas back (spoiler; good people dont get tattoos) and we see helena getting beat
i guess iy was a memory
nerdlinger doesnt like this and starts j-rkin off violently
so christie figgers out the cash is in the buddha head
whhy have a tattoo telling where it is?!
so later kasumi wants to fro rryu and tina sez she b0ned him but its a joke
so tima chruistine and kasumi find a hidden door and nsrdlinger chats with helena
helena troy?
sounds like a p0rn0 name
so the 3 chicks find a hidden computer room monitoring em
then they find kasumi's bro i mean ryu(i got mixed up)
they get caught and nwrdlinger tells helena her dad wanted his research used diffeent than what game boss wanted
dad wanted to shut it down and bit it after a word fight with game boss
then boss tells hs men to ice helena and nerda55
the sword armed guads come and helena kicks their candy a55es as nerd gets thrown in the shrubs
its a pg sword fight with no blood, limb ro9moval or blades entering
like errol flynn or captain kidd
neerdlinger punches a guy and f'd out his hand
so the ryu and chicks wake up in chambers like in robotech and boss shows them his ultimate item
so nerda55 takes helena into the caves and an alarm goes off from boss using nerds tech
boss scans the nanomachines in theitr blood and downloads the data into his glasses
somehow this hurts them
does it give em autism too?
so max follows nerd and helena in and nerd trys hacking into it
then boss brings ouyt kasume's bro who's still alive and has no mussle issues from being chained up for a year
he is p-ssed at hayabusa yru for letting kasumi come
boss sez bro is the worsds best warrior
so is he; the worlds strongest guy?
and boss sez if bro dont fight him he gon ice the chicks and ryu
they fight and bro kicks his a55
then round 2 like amakusa from samurai shodown boss improves and beat his a55
hes able to predict the bros moves with his glasses and counter em.
sorta like in cyber city oedo 808 how that guy was able to similate where sengoku would go
so bro is kicked off the tower like with geese howard and finds ayame
so max uses the tattoo code to unlock the vault with a puzzle like at mcdonalds
the game boss goes on video feed and sez to buyers he showed the fight with bro
and if they pay him, he can sell them the code
sounds fair
why is he the bad guy?
he's just trying to make money
is it against the law to do research and sell the results?
so nerdlinger blocks the code and calls the cops
whats the charges?
besides, this is his private island in open ocean
so max unlocks da vault and leon kills him
the helena faces boss and boss admits to having her dad iced
at least he admitted it unlike r fk and the queen
leon jacks the safe like dee jay in the street fighter movie with bison bdollars
boss beats down helena and takes a copy of the data then sets the island to blow like in yugioh
oh and he beats on nerda55
nerd a55 unlocks the pods and the gang fights minions who aparently dont care about getting nuked
the main 4 fight game boss at once (which is against da rules!!) and ryu fights leon
get out! then fight!
sio nerd trys undoing the nuke but it cant stop and the chicks fight boss on ladders over the pagota
btw, a guy beating on chicks, on purpose.
don't see that often in movies
so max and nerd save ryu from leon and leave leon to die and boss gets his shasdes kicked off
bro and kasumi use a pressure point needle to stop boss and they leave him to die
he totally deserves that for tryibg to make money off tech
btw him killing that guy to use his tech was also from cyber city
so they all escape as the place blows and are in the ocean
later robin shou aka liu kang 1 finds em on rafts and tina ppunches out him and leaves em in a raft to die
they'll probably eat eachother
that happened to the guys moby dick was based off
so nerd gets helena who i guess was the writers fave girl and we get a montage of fights and bikinis
a week later at kasumi's home the chicks are hanging out and all fight ninjas
the end
that wasnt so bad
good action
good fight scenes
good effects
simple plot
yeah its not high art like gone wityh the wind
holy cr-p! eric roberts was in this!
he was in the human centipede 3!!
so its not gonna change ur life or anything but its good simple kung fu entertainment
its not like it ruined the series
they had those bach volleyball game to do that
i like it
its like the 00s charlies angels movies
for video game movies, its entertaining and fun
plus the colors are bright and sunny
nowadays it would be gray and dead looing
for D.O.A. Dead Or Alive 2 i want the boss of the last tournament to come back as a cyborg with his brains and organs in a metal body. he starts taking out all the fighters who helped kill him b4 and their men. its also a 16 bit ninja game on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you go around taking out guys and the bosses are the main characters of the 1st movie.

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