Saturday, November 21, 2020

Notting Hill Review

 Note: I spell ye olde englishe gov'nuh

notting hill

this is my review of notting hill from the distant fiture year of 1999(the yeardigimon happened and robotech started)

its got hugh grant and julia roberts, the sister off eric roberts from the human centipede 3

its from a book by the writer of 4 weddings and a funeral and was directed by roger mitchell who did changing lanes amd hyde park on hudson

it did well sar theatres and got good likes but i never saw it

ooh, its got  mischa barton

so it starts with creits and julia as a celeb with papparazzi taking pix as romance music playes


then hugh is in sooviet england in notting hioll which he describes the weird a55 place

haaa! bavid and butthead stained glass things

so i think hughs gf ditced his a55 and he lves eth some dink who is the weird one

so hugh laurie works at a booke store and lets guys pay with buying himn coffee as in the 90s everyone drabnk coffee

thn he seez julia roberts and shes in a hat and shades and he gives her book advice

oh hs so brittish! stop being brittish!!

bte, american woman and brit mo man in love? is this cabaret?

he confronts a guy with putting abook in his pants and guy asks julia foran autograf

dont trust her! she's erin blankovitch!

so she buys a booke and throws in a freebee and she books it

later hes oit walking and bumps  into julia an spills juice j-zz on her annd tyakes her back to his place to be cleaned up

she cleans up into a tummy showing top and after much talk finally gets outts there b4 he eats her with his big brit teeth

then she coes back andgets her bag she forggot and smooches him and the dink returns

she escapes his mouth again and dink eats mayonaise thinking its yourt and they watch vodeo tape and lust after the chick in them(is that julia?)

da next daye a guy comes in asking fo novels but the hugh sez they only sell travel ooks (what a cr-pmmobile store!)

at homedinkk dresses like a final fantasy character as theres no clean cloths and forgot to wrte messages from da phone and remembers julia called but told him to call da ritz under another name he dont recall

later he recalls the name, flintstone and he calls her and they meet at da hotel and sez sorry forr not callimg her for a few days as his room mate is a dink and she sez she always uses a cartoon name

theytalk and she sez sorry for making out with him as i guess she thinks hes like all englishmen and like men and he sez its ok

he talks to her about horsses as i guess he's like that teen from equus and oh its cuz he went i faking being an interviewer

after timrs up he has to intervewwother actors and fakes it as he never saw da filme

so he gets back to julia and shesez shes free but he rcalls its his sisters day an she goes with him yo it and his sistter is a gross looking britmo who is a superfan for julia

1 guy asks if he b0ned julia and he sez no comment which guy takes to mean yes

then he asks if he j-rks off and hugh replys no comment and guy sez its proof it means yes

then guy asshow much she makes and its 15 million for the last film

the fam realizes shhes a big film actors guild star and sister walked into the terlett with her

also juliano is vegetarian an fakes eating fowl

after dinner they celebrate being wieners bu giving the last brownie to the one who s-cked the most and all tell storeys on how they s-ck a55

but julia out s-cked them all with her celeb cr-p and being on adiet since she was 19 and had sugery

bt they dont buy it as shes an actor and can fake it

so later at a restaurantthese guys talk about meg ryan and how actresses are like h--kers and b0ning em and hugh confronts em about talking about someone

they tell him to get f''d and julia confronts em and sez theyre parts ae the size of peanuts

they didnt even know she was there or an acrtrss andshe intruced on their cobversation to jjab em

and candy a55 hugh interupps em as nhe dont like them joking

uya joke. what a beta male

they go to her hotel and heer buttt buddy alec baldwin is there and he tellss acel hes roo service and alec isa usual ammerican to how brits see it

typical jjacka55 alec bawlwin

no wonder kim jong ill killed huim

so hughmo goes home ti bummer muisc aand watches juianoes sopace movie

for a sec i thought julia was in gravity with aids mo goeoge cloonie but theen remembered it was sandra bullock

so hugh a55 chats with dibnk andlater his fam and they knew julia had a butt buddy so they wanna get him witha rebound chick

ewwwwwwwwwww shes a brittmo and has gross hair and is aa 5kank

one way out! (puts gun in butt)

so theres dinner and 1  chick is a ffruititattian who only eats fruit that falls from the tree naturally or it counts as "murdered plants"

so to them, the 1st murder wasn't cain killing abel, it was eve picking the apple?

btw; plant tights are human rights!!

so after dinner he chats with his fam about his his romance s-cked

later theres a candle about ulua with photoes or something, oh it was a photoshoot that looked like a p0rn0, and her career is f'd, despite kim kardashian starting with a p0rn0

then dink comes back with a tabloid and looking at the photoes and is probably gonna j-rk off to em

oh he sees her in the bath tub

so shes going back to soviet l a on teusday and they go over her character and pracctices lines with her

so later they talk about him having big feet and people being butt doubles and mel gibson doing his own a55 work

so she sleeps in his bed and hhes on fa couch and hears sounds and its dik who asks if hgh is  gonna b0ne her and if huggh wont, if he ccan

then juliano comes down annd they b0ne

in tthe real verasion they were b0ning

so in the day break she wonders why guya like b00bs and sez guy go to bed with rita hayworyhs most famous role annd wake uop with rita as she's real and her roles are the dream

so huh ggets da door and its a swarm of papparazzi

julia gets it and dink goes out in his undies and loves the attention

if this were today, he''d be a meme liikee the looter

so julian is p-ssed and thinks dink outed her and thinks he's gonna do well with tthe pubblicity

high trys to say its not that bad and news  gets replaced but she sez she did this cr-p for a decade and people will never forget

so she books it and  dink tells hugh he told a few gguys at da bar and word spread like aids

soo then theres a montage of him going through the area as seasons happen annd bummer music plays

so siiater gets hgh the juliasnumber and he throws it out

then his fam haas 1 last dinner in a restaurant they own that no onee went to and 1 guy got canned and sister mmet a guy to marry

so later hugh goes to some 1800s looing shoot to see see julia but secruity wot let him in

he sees her lookin likke helena bonahm cartwr and she comes to him and sez if he waits for a bit, they can talke

btw this is full screen and in color and looks 90s

its revealed its a movie based on henry james who is a real guy and not like in field of dreams wherethey turned j d sal8nger blACK and changed his namee

so hugh wears headphones to hear dialogie andhears julian saying hugh is not important nd walks off to comit seppuku

later julia comes by his shop and her career is going well and now shes going back to america annd gives him a painting

she takes forever to get the wrds out that she wants him to like her but he reveals he heard her say he's a55 but she sez she was just saying it to avoid her secret getting oout

hugh has to talk to his mommy on da phone and his slave or employee sez he loved julia in ghost but she se its demi moore

so he gets ack and tells her no and stumbles wth words for another 2 mins as soviet brit moes cant just get r dun and say things normal

and shes catching it too

oh he sez he dont wanna risk being dumped again and dumps her and she books it

so his fam finds out he dumped a movie star gf and thinks hes f'd and that the painting might be the origiinal

he figgers out he f'd up and they all drive over in 1 ccar like clowns to get to her

at da hotel he asks for cartoon names including beavis and butt head and they say pocahauntus checked out an hour ag and is going to a press conferonce b4 going to america

they drive on and dink stops traffic to allow em to get by as they ditch his a55

he goes in da hotel and his fams wife sez shes doing an aritce on hotels treating wheelchair guys bad and they let him through

julia sez shes takin a year oof and hugh ja55 asks  about if she could be with the guy she was caught with last time she wwa in brit land and admits hee f'd uop and wants another chance and she sez yes

she sez shes gonna stay in soviet england aindefinatly and oh yeah, sister is in love wurh dink

ewwwww. look at those jylia tteeth! she could pass for brittish!

so later theres a weeding andhappy music and then shhes ggoing out on a  rred carpet with tthe hugh aand i think sister has a kids wiith dink and it ends with her and hugh on a park brnch and shes got a baby gutt

the end and credits to 90s soft roomance music

mike harris? tthe canadian guy?

jean simmons? the actress?

tommy lee and john smith??

but thhis was a decent film

it s mild and calm and not too high action but has a good flow and even though nothing is really happening, it hoolds attention

its got good 90s music and look and has some heart

it tells the story well and i thought it as well done

for Notting Hill 2 i want them to need movney and she's offered a role in an art film about being pregnant and they use her pregnancy to its advantage. but it turns out its a weird fetish film where they smear honey and mustard on her tummy and pigs lick it off. hugh finds out people are gonna be j-rkin off to his woman again and snaps and trys to stop it but stuff keeps getting in his way. also its an 8 bit mini game thing on game boy, game gear, master system, nes, atari 7800 and tg16 where you play as julia and do various pregnancy related events like rubbing the tummy is a wweird way or eating a lot or trying on tight outfits that her gut bulges outta.

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