Sunday, November 8, 2020

Tag Review

 Notte: I spell more originally thaN movies are today


This is my review on Tag from 2018 (The year of the Malcontent Uprisings in Robotech)

its based on both a game kids play andd a true story of guys playing tag for 30 years

Whats wrong hollywood? run outta board games to make movies outta?

it has jon hamm, hannibal buress and jeremy renner and no one else i know of

its the debut of Jeff Tomsic who is probanbly gonna wind up doing p0rn0

I never saw this b4 but people say its ok

also jeremy renner snapped his arms  making this and they cged them normal

so it starts with kids playing at an 80s playground and a narrator sayong playing keeps you young an da montage of them as teens and kids playing tag

then 1 guy talks to a guy for a job interview of a janitor

he gets it and jon hamm is a ceo in an interview and janitor is cr-ppily cleaning and reveals himself to be his homie and he tags him

janitor sez one guy is retiring and they gotta go se him

turns out one guy is getting married and they are gonnna team up to get him

eventually they explain their to the interviewqerthis guy has never been tagged  as he's some kinda ubermench and each year in may they play tag and its been going on for 30 years

interviewer comes with em and thhen we cut to another friend doing chronic with his dad this chick comes by

he realizes its may and trys to escape through other buildings and homes

btw this is widescreen so we get the black bars

afterr some damage and falls, he egts away but hamm tags him

after a flurry of tagbacks, janitor sez they gon get the wedding guy and go to soviet portland to get hannibal

harinab is in therapy talking about man parts and his homis come out of the closet and tag him and say they gotaa go

later, in soviet washington, they go to their home townn and go to some house and plan the hit

they plan to not get him in the ceremony and janitor smokes chonic with stoner

janitors mom comes down and flirts with stoner like its american pie or future bulma and future gohan in dbz

they go to a bar and the wife is still barred from it and ask a guy who wants to be in the game where wdding guy is

they twist him to tell by saying the interviewer is writing a story for a wall street journal and no wedding guy, no storyy and he spills where it is

so latter the wife calls ubermench and sez they're event they booked at the place is cancelled

they then go on the attack and he ninja beats em like he's Kenshiro from Hokuto No Ken

they talk and havve a truce to writte up ammentments to when they can and can't be tagged around da weeding

at da bar tthey go over the rules and reminice of the game being part of their life over the years

tthen they czech the ubermenches or weeding uy or w/e i called him's house by breaking in to see if he's there

they getta notesaying  "did u think i'd really be home" and as it feels like a trap, they split up and sarch da  home

in there they fnd he'd got maps of the city and high tech stuff and on a livestream from janitors childhood bedroom and is gonna start j-rkin off onjanitors teddy bear

they rsh over there but its revealed weeding guy in in a replica of janitors bedroom from his basement

later they rremminice of hamm roundhousing stoner and sh-tting his pants

hannib0ner asks interviewer if she can find outif maury is fake as each ep is the same but maury sez its real

da next day, jasnitor fakes being a heezer but weeding ubermencch beats him down with the dropped purse

after some back and forth with possible scenarioes of getting arrested and being in jail (but no dropping the soap jokes for some reason)

later its a dinner and wedding guys woman reveals shes el pregnanto

also once they had a cotest to see who can hold their breath the longest and  ubermench nearly bit it

stoner thinks the whole event is fake and set up by weeding guy

hanibre sez this chick there was liked by hamm and stoner butyears later married an orthodintist

evetually stoner trys talking to that girl and the guy she went with bit it

she gets into him andthe guys joke about him out of range

after leaving stoner, hamm trys being with her by following her into the little girls room

ranma chick; there's a purvurt in the girls bath room!!

as he's trying to b0ne her, wedding guy gets out of the exit hamm was to guard and theres a golf cart chase across the gold course

wife chats withinterviewer and its revealed theres no girls allowed so she  can't join in

da carty gets stuck in da woods and ubermench plays 80s music on a boom box as hedoes ninja trix  of shadow clones in da woods

traps start taking the guys out and hannibonula tags wedding guy but its just a body double (kaemusha) and he gets caught

so on the way back from da woods they say weeding guy had guys be fakes and set up traps

later hamm sez to try it at wedding guys gym andstoner stays back at the bar as his knee was f'd

but really its to meet the chick he liked

so at da gym hamm offers a worker 500 bones to out where wedding guy is but he tells em to gay out

after trying to raise the price, they water board him

but they queer out and cant go throufh with it and pay him 2500 $ and worker sez he's in AA

back at da bar yard hamm sees stoner wirh da chick they both like and they start b--ching out and chick and she sez wedding guy inviited her to f with them

they seal the exits of da church and attack at the AA meeting but he ninja a55 kicks em

who would win? him in this or him in the avengers movies?

he busdts a stained glass window but there's mouse traps out there and he seals himswlf in a room

they ry waiting him out and eventually his woman comes in all mental cuz they'd f'd up their wedding

she has womb issues and they argue if they can tag him as his kid might be dying

weddig guy tells em he'd wind pipe snap em if they f up his wiman or kid

he should

so we get a bummer moment where the wedding seems off and on instagram the bridesmaids b--ch

wife sez it seems off and makes a fake instagram page to get access and its revealed the wedding being off is fake and the womb issues

they wanna f his wedding but janitor spazzes out and sez its not worth it to do this tag sh-t

they go to the wedding and wedding girl reveals she was never pregnant and it was all just aa scam to f with em so they could have their wedding

thats pretty evil

she ruined the game 

so they haveda wedd8ng and its not as good as in robotech II the sentinels

rigght as they kiss, janitor runs up to himand tags him

but its not real andhawk eye dodges andand jamitor slams into tthe minister and blacks out

in the hospital they say janitor shouldnt me that active in hia condotion and stoner tests the dr to see if its fake

then stoner chats withthe chick he likes andhis life is faLLEN APART (probably from the drugs) and she has  pity on him (or finds him hot for it)

later in a video phone call, jannitor tellls wdding guy he's got a liver tumer and saiid wedding guy was quitting to get everyone together

also he might not make it to next year

he sez sorry for f ing his wedding and ubermench comes in the room saying sorry for not inviting em to his wedding

to get haWKWYE  to keep it going, he sez he's not gonna tag anyone and the game ends with hin

he consents to being tagged and tags another guy and runs out as theres 5 mins left until da planet asplodes i mean the month ends

then ubermench has a verbal ammendment to let chicks pplay and they consent

they tag back and forth to blackk guy music andrun around a hosopital

then we get clips of guys playing tag wwhich i think is the real game this movie was based on

the end

that was pretty good

a bit dark with the pregnancy issues and the constant talk of it but the storry holds up

i didn't laugh but it was clever at times

good action and despite the idea being really stoopid it holds up as a movie

its sorta like bridesmaids but less awful and actually somewhat good

for Tag 2  I want for the story to have made Tag become a world wide sensation like Beyblade in the Anime and its the 2030s and the kids of the 1st movies guys are in a tag league team where they ply tag and do stuff under a time limit and whoever gets more or less in it wins. Also its a 16 bit top down sportas game on sega genesis, snes atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you choose a team and plat tag in tournaments.

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