Wednesday, May 19, 2021

Ace In The hole Review

 note; i sp[ell a55 holian

ace in the hole

this is my review on asce in da hole from, 1951

its goty kirk douglass and no one else i recognize

its directed by biolly wilder who did  5 graves to cazirop, the spopiriot of saint louis, and the 7 year itch

i nevewr saw it b4 but my dad wantrs to watch it

so its in proper full screen and in good b/w

so after credits to ramatic music its soviet new mexico  and kirk dug less is riding in a car being towed

is that a ferrarri mustang?

also; new mexico?? wasnt 1 bad enuff?

what next? new england??

so he goes to this place and sez he's charles tatum from new york

like channing tatum? the gay str-pper from magic mike?

oh its a newspaper biz

the enemy of the people

so he mets boss and sh-ts on his pappedr and offers him 200$ by saying hes a 250$ guy who'll work for 50 and iss suiper elite

he also sez hes a good liar and is willing to make news if theres none

also he keeps being canned from better papers and has to work his way up

he works for 60 a week and theres no news and 1 guy tells him he wont get chopped chicken livers or garlic pickles as no one else wants em

he rambles on about yogi beara and how this hicktown is too natural and don't got enough corrupt city sh-t

oh and aparently he's been here a year and there's no news

a newsman whining about no news to panic the people? totally unreal!

so he suggests some co worker being in a murder or nuking something

theres no booze allowed at work (G00D! BOOZE KILLS!) AND THIS BOttle he has is a ship in a bottle

so hes sent to report a viper hunt to kill rattlers (whiucxh will cause more rats and coons to come up) and he wants to spin the stoeryto spread panik and make more cash

bad news sells best as no news is good news and he never went to school but learned the newstrade from selling papers in the 1800s or w/e

probabnly drawing d0ngs in little nemo

so kirk and the kid herbie the elf styop by this native place and find a chick prayung hard

they hear of cops up by a native place cave and they investigate and pick up the films blonde fewmale who's husbanmd is stuck in the gave

the natives lived there hundreds of years ago and i assume daemons took them to the ma kai realm like in urotsukidoji

aat there the cops wont let peopple in but want natives to go in as they know the area

but they wont cuz its their sacred area and kirk stronarms his way into going in

they go in and kirk sez its better news if its 1 man in danger than a million

also kirk sucker  sez a reporter for a 25 ccave story with 1 gjy in it got the pulitzerr

kirck goes in alone deeper and this tentacle monster grans him asnd starts b0ning him all over with this d0ngh like entacles as hew screams!@

jk really he finds the guywho's stuck under wood ansd the area in is unstable and could cavve in if moved

channing tatum from not gambit gives him coffee so he's gonna whizz and stink up the place

also the cave is a navite berial ground and he was grave robbing artifacts

good f--k this place is cursed!

pray it away!

so kirk takes a picture and sez cave guy is gonna be in the paper

cave guy sez about his time in the war in Italy andf has a cigar to burn off the oxygen

so kurk sucker goes up and wants to spin it as a cursed tomb and King Tutr in Newe Mexico

so he figgers he can do this in a week and outside the cop sez the sheriff is out

they go to a phone and calls his boss and pitches his storey

also the mexican chicxk praying b4 was the mom of the cAVE GUY


I know guys like that

they prefer huge butts

so kirk b0nes up on cave guy and chats with blonde and she wants to leave the place and him

she was in a night club and married him thinking he was richer

what a b--ch

also she sez shes like hi as they both are taking aDVANTAGE OF CAVE GUY BEING stuck undr ro\cks

se goes out ands sees guys coming in to the area tp see the cave thing

kirke sez hes wrotinmg her as a good wife and that there's gonna be lots of people here to see it and business will be good

she goes back in and later guys are comming and its 2 bnbits, or 25 cents(hot does that equal 2?!!) to come over

later the sheriff or w/e, hyeah its him, is feeding a snake hambeger and nmilk (but its not kosher!!) and snake wont eat it

spiolder; they eat the fresh killed!

kurke sez they got an ace in da hole(thats the tital! I wanna take his face... off!) and offers sherrif fame and title of hero if he keeps the press off his a55

a guy comes in saying its a monkey house in there and they gotta set up a lot of sh-t to get the guy out and it can take under 12 if they get a 2nd crew

but guys dont wanna work cuz of the curse

so kirbue suggests using a big a55 drill to go from the top o the hill to get straight down which wiull take several days

7 days!

he saw the ring tape!

laterblonde sez at the rate things are going, she'll have 1 000 dollers in a week for the 1st time ever

she's happy so he slapps her and gets her sad so she'll look better for the show

so later the drill is going deeper and a comunity is arising here of people comming over

1 news guy has an interview with some guys and kirk sez for bl;onde to go to church to pray for a photo

she don't like church but does it for money

later its 50 cents to come in and kirbe wantsthe teen herbie to quit with him and hold out on the people to make em wamt more

sherrif holds everyone else besides channting tator tot out and j michael tatun comes in saying he knoews all these newspaper guys and ain't gonna let em have his story

kirb has it all wrapped up so if the other news guys try to take him down legally, they'll go nowhere as he's got the sherrif and by the time they get him out, the story is over

so he has em say how tatums on an exclusive

kirke answers questions and 1 guy, kusac, wa a silver miner and wondfers why they need to drill from the top as he did a cave in liek this better

facts that would be in the comments section of a youtibe vid on the news clip

later channing tatum talks to cave guy who's going nuts from the drill pounding

also kirk comforts him saying theres lots of guys there for him and caver guy sez kirk is his friend

kribks sez hes gong to soviet new york after this and caVE GUY SEZ THIS FRIEDAY IS 5 YEARS SINCE HE MARRIED BLONDE

also there's food trucks selling booze and cave guys dad dont like itand just wants his son

so the burger shop is a realy monkey hosue with people swarming in

kirk goes in to have a drink and boss is there and sez he don't like how kirks doping it

boss dont like sherrif being crooked and up for reelecting and kirk dont care

hermie the elf comes in and boss doint' like channing tatum corrupting him

kirk sez boss's outtas date and its the 20th century and don't want the kid left behind

so kirk makes a deal with his new york boss to get his job back for an exclusive

latter its a fuull doller (or 1000 dongs in viet nam) to come in and they have a song for the cave guy

this is like in the simpsoins where tommy o tool fell in the fell

what in the name of h--ll, there's a ferris wheel here!

also theres a train there and people swarm to see it

just like the news today spamming the same story non stop to keep people interested

breaking news! that plane that went down last month is still down! no nerw updates, but we'll act like there is to get views!

later kirke tells blonde not to tell other news guys stories even if they pay and she wants to ditch her loving husband for soviet kurk douglass

don't tyrust her! she's just gonna dump you when she finds a bigger blacker guy! like kim karsashian!

so after 129 hours of being buried alive(liek james franco?) they are close to pooping him out

but cave guy is not dooing well and wants a priest

hes got pnunomia from beign laying in sh-t for 5 days and nights and by tomorrow he's gonna be dead

cave guy thinks its over but kirk sez they'll get him out in 12 hours and cave guy trusts him

lter sherrif has been feeding the rattler cherwing gum with a wrapper that's probably gonna glog his tract

but kurk is gonna have em bring out the guy with the good way

but sherrif don't want to havee to esxplain it and curk beats him down

then engenier sez they cant go in the good way as the drill has f--ked the cave wealls

kirk atones for his sins by charging his ki and self detonatinmg to burn off the top of the hill to sacrifice himself to save the guy

j really he vanishes and appears in the mine with cave guy and encourages him to fight

he's spazzing out and sez he hid his wifes anniversery present in his army bag and wants to give it to her himself

later kirk gors to see the blonde and gets out the present and gives her it

is parisian furs and she trhows it away but kirk tells her what her husbnans said while strangling her with the furs

she blasks out but comes to and he sez to keep das furs on

then kurnkgoos of in a police car and oh i think she shanked him with scissors when he was strangling her

at this place some mexican loking kids crawl on the car and run when they sound the siren and he gets a priest and brings him back

he brings the priest into this hole in the earths a55 and priest does his Confession

i think the cave guy bites it and kirk goes up in the lift thing and stops the drill and tells on the hill that the cave guy bit it with the drill 10 feet away

then to go home and the circus is over

the peope, scatter like roaches when the light is on and blonde goes as she's leached all she can from it

hermie the elf sez "you had it all and f'df it" and that new york boss sez hes fired

the other reporters mock him and say sherrif is gonna dig the body out

kirk sez to new york boss cave guy was murdered by a reporter but new yuork boss hunbg up

so kirk wants to bring down the sherrif and drives with herbie the elf to the newspaper office and tells boso hecan work for fre and is a 1000$ a day and falls over

the end

is that liek roy from robotech getting f'd and walking it off, to h-ll?

but that was good

shows how dark the media biz is

and how things aint changed in a century

this is based ona  true story, the 1925 thing mentioned in here, kinda like how the 2005 king kong mentioned faye wray doiung an RKO picture

it shows a corrupt guy ruining things and coming back to try to fix it

its not a happy ending, but its got good drama

i liked it and kirk doughlass was pretty good in here

prtetty bada55 for a 50s film with hi slapping and strangling a chiuck on purpose

its well done and works quite well

for Ace In The Hoole 2 I want them to have saved kirk at the last minute by taking him to the hospital and when he's in a coma, the kid hermie or w/e has to buyild a story based on what Kirk Cameron or w/e told him and thew sheriff is trying to silence him so his career isn't f';d. also its an 8 bit action game on NES, Gameboy, Sega Master System, Game Gear, Atari 7800 and Lynx and TG16 where you play as the teen and goaround collecting items and evidence hidden by kirk and gotta use a spitball gun to take out guys after you and solve puizzles

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